still angsty
living home makes me a grumpy teenager again. seriously i'm the happiest person in the world like at work, driving around with my friends aimlessly and of course when i'm in good ol oneonta. sitting in my bedroom at home means i am never happy or hungry and i want to kill someone. I got away for the weekend. tookers in albany on thurs night and oneonta for the rest of the time. it was a blur of a weekend but all the memories are good ones.
anyway today i had yet another wonderful morning of "training" at work where we learned about websites like craigslist and google. good thing we aren't allowed to use the internet at work. good thing everything i do at my job is completely pointless. oh yea but i did get quite cozy with my fellow intern crush which included some very interesting body language signals anddd a high five. yea that gf of his (which he never mentions but i know exists due to facebook) should be worried. hah. right.
i hung out with janine last night which was wonderful even though we did nothing. free pizza & quality raymond time is enough for me. every time i see her (which is a lot) she's always like 'omg keep losing weight, you stupid bitch. i'll just keep gaining it.' and i'm like 'really you're crazy.' i'm pretty sure my whole friendship with her through middle school was her being the popular, thin, hot girl that all the guys wanted and me being the chubby, not so cute, awkward shy best friend that the guys (that i liked) who were in love with her talked to about how to get with her. so this whole her being jealous of my legs and tits and random other parts of my body is super fucking weird. i also got her pissing her pants with excitement to com visit me in oneonta. we also decided that we need to buy (or have one of her friends steal us) bikes.
here are some things i wish:
-that i was effortlessly pretty all the time, could wear a bikini without being insanely self conscious, turned more attractive guys heads and not so much the old and/or creepy and/or very overweight guys heads, didn't consider myself 'average' at best, didn't always feel like 'if only i lost 10 lbs(sometimes 20 or 30)...' , had some sort of confidence that isn't just a facade or sorta a joke, and that i photographed better.
-that i had some sort of escape from this prison of a home, my parents didn't get under my skin so much, that i had a decent relationship....heck A relationship with them, that i didn't feel guilty for truly disliking them when they aren't bad people, and that i will have enough money to move out and far far far away after graduation and cut off from them completely (minus occasional phone calls and some holidays).
-that work didn't take up my whole day and i could think more and write more and smile out of genuine happiness more.
-that i wasn't so obnoxious, sarcastic, jealous, self-depreciating, negative (a lot of the time), confused, lost and wracked with inner turmoil.
-that my fucking intestines did what they were supposed to do, i didn't have a list of foods i literally can't eat, people didn't think ibs was so goddamn funny because it has the word 'bowel' in it (& i think poop is hilarious but actually intestinal problems really suck a lot) and that one of the many traumatic events in my past that is probably the cause for it never happened.
-that i was girlfriend material instead of one night stand or one of the boys material, that i could at least get a shot at having an actual relationship and not the twisted experiences that i've had in the past which are the closest i've come to one, and that my friends wouldn't get engaged all the time (2 in one week. new record!) to remind me how reallly far away i am from that in my life right now.
-that i wasn't the type of person who questions, overanalyzes and sees symbols everything thus driving myself crazy, that i would be able to accept one political view or religion or reality and not search for something more beyond it, and i wasn't so obsessed with finding out the truth when i'm coming to find there is no such thing as truth.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i'm not very cheerful right now
anyway today i had yet another wonderful morning of "training" at work where we learned about websites like craigslist and google. good thing we aren't allowed to use the internet at work. good thing everything i do at my job is completely pointless. oh yea but i did get quite cozy with my fellow intern crush which included some very interesting body language signals anddd a high five. yea that gf of his (which he never mentions but i know exists due to facebook) should be worried. hah. right.
i hung out with janine last night which was wonderful even though we did nothing. free pizza & quality raymond time is enough for me. every time i see her (which is a lot) she's always like 'omg keep losing weight, you stupid bitch. i'll just keep gaining it.' and i'm like 'really you're crazy.' i'm pretty sure my whole friendship with her through middle school was her being the popular, thin, hot girl that all the guys wanted and me being the chubby, not so cute, awkward shy best friend that the guys (that i liked) who were in love with her talked to about how to get with her. so this whole her being jealous of my legs and tits and random other parts of my body is super fucking weird. i also got her pissing her pants with excitement to com visit me in oneonta. we also decided that we need to buy (or have one of her friends steal us) bikes.
here are some things i wish:
-that i was effortlessly pretty all the time, could wear a bikini without being insanely self conscious, turned more attractive guys heads and not so much the old and/or creepy and/or very overweight guys heads, didn't consider myself 'average' at best, didn't always feel like 'if only i lost 10 lbs(sometimes 20 or 30)...' , had some sort of confidence that isn't just a facade or sorta a joke, and that i photographed better.
-that i had some sort of escape from this prison of a home, my parents didn't get under my skin so much, that i had a decent relationship....heck A relationship with them, that i didn't feel guilty for truly disliking them when they aren't bad people, and that i will have enough money to move out and far far far away after graduation and cut off from them completely (minus occasional phone calls and some holidays).
-that work didn't take up my whole day and i could think more and write more and smile out of genuine happiness more.
-that i wasn't so obnoxious, sarcastic, jealous, self-depreciating, negative (a lot of the time), confused, lost and wracked with inner turmoil.
-that my fucking intestines did what they were supposed to do, i didn't have a list of foods i literally can't eat, people didn't think ibs was so goddamn funny because it has the word 'bowel' in it (& i think poop is hilarious but actually intestinal problems really suck a lot) and that one of the many traumatic events in my past that is probably the cause for it never happened.
-that i was girlfriend material instead of one night stand or one of the boys material, that i could at least get a shot at having an actual relationship and not the twisted experiences that i've had in the past which are the closest i've come to one, and that my friends wouldn't get engaged all the time (2 in one week. new record!) to remind me how reallly far away i am from that in my life right now.
-that i wasn't the type of person who questions, overanalyzes and sees symbols everything thus driving myself crazy, that i would be able to accept one political view or religion or reality and not search for something more beyond it, and i wasn't so obsessed with finding out the truth when i'm coming to find there is no such thing as truth.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i'm not very cheerful right now