rant..possibly pms induced
ok so like i try and be happy and shit when i write in here and leave all the depressing shit for my physical journal so that no one bores themselves to death. well fuck that. i'm upset.
consider yourself warned.
today wasn't all bad. i saw jared and we talked about how much living in nyc sucks and is overrated (funny story...lived here for 20 years...anyway), SA stuff and just life. good times. later on, i started thinking about shit and like my life is really not all that great haha. this happens on long subway rides. it's not horrible but its boring as fuck and so lonely. i have good friends but like i honestly rarely feel like they give a shit about me most of the time. i know thats a 'it's not you, it's me thing' because i'm fucked in the head but like i feel that way a lot. i'm needy as shit but i play it off like i'm not a lot of the time so no one thinks i'm a pussy & i don't bother anyone but i really am. i'm so goddamn lonely. i went to the florist with jared, who the minute his gf texted him that she was coming home...he went to go buy her a flower...for no reason. that is the cutest shit ever and like i helped him decide which one to get. THAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. i am always standing next to a guy friend helping him with girl shit. do i want to date any of the guys i'm standing next to? no. they're great friends but it's never (ok...once it was but whatever that was dumb) like that. when will i be the girl a guy's buying flowers for? and asking for advice about? do you know how many people i see walking down the street holding hands in a day? a whole lot. most of them are uglier than me. i'm sick of being told 'someday my prince will come' or that i'm too picky. because i'm really not. i just don't get it. i cannot wait another 20 years. i want to love someone and have them love me back. i want someone to buy me a flower. i want someone to hold my hand. i have NEVER had that. EVER. i am a best friend or a fuck buddy. i have never been loved like that. yea lots of people love and lose so they say we're in the same boat but we are really not. not at all. i seriously try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. i've never had a bf. i've on & off hooked up with a friend for like 6 months. i've hooked up with one guy for like two months a lot. and then three other randoms. THAT'S IT. that is the story of my goddamn love life. so what do i do? i'm social. i'm not a bitch. i am generally kind unless you fuck with me. i'm not horribly obese or terribly ugly. i am secure in the fact that i like men. yet....constantly lonely. that's fine.
sidenote- my dad is at madison square garden seeing REM. we're obsessed with them. he did not tell me he was going nor did he ask me to go with him. last weekend, i started thinking that maybe every close male relationship i have is modeled after the one i have with my father. fucking awesome.
consider yourself warned.
today wasn't all bad. i saw jared and we talked about how much living in nyc sucks and is overrated (funny story...lived here for 20 years...anyway), SA stuff and just life. good times. later on, i started thinking about shit and like my life is really not all that great haha. this happens on long subway rides. it's not horrible but its boring as fuck and so lonely. i have good friends but like i honestly rarely feel like they give a shit about me most of the time. i know thats a 'it's not you, it's me thing' because i'm fucked in the head but like i feel that way a lot. i'm needy as shit but i play it off like i'm not a lot of the time so no one thinks i'm a pussy & i don't bother anyone but i really am. i'm so goddamn lonely. i went to the florist with jared, who the minute his gf texted him that she was coming home...he went to go buy her a flower...for no reason. that is the cutest shit ever and like i helped him decide which one to get. THAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. i am always standing next to a guy friend helping him with girl shit. do i want to date any of the guys i'm standing next to? no. they're great friends but it's never (ok...once it was but whatever that was dumb) like that. when will i be the girl a guy's buying flowers for? and asking for advice about? do you know how many people i see walking down the street holding hands in a day? a whole lot. most of them are uglier than me. i'm sick of being told 'someday my prince will come' or that i'm too picky. because i'm really not. i just don't get it. i cannot wait another 20 years. i want to love someone and have them love me back. i want someone to buy me a flower. i want someone to hold my hand. i have NEVER had that. EVER. i am a best friend or a fuck buddy. i have never been loved like that. yea lots of people love and lose so they say we're in the same boat but we are really not. not at all. i seriously try and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. i've never had a bf. i've on & off hooked up with a friend for like 6 months. i've hooked up with one guy for like two months a lot. and then three other randoms. THAT'S IT. that is the story of my goddamn love life. so what do i do? i'm social. i'm not a bitch. i am generally kind unless you fuck with me. i'm not horribly obese or terribly ugly. i am secure in the fact that i like men. yet....constantly lonely. that's fine.
sidenote- my dad is at madison square garden seeing REM. we're obsessed with them. he did not tell me he was going nor did he ask me to go with him. last weekend, i started thinking that maybe every close male relationship i have is modeled after the one i have with my father. fucking awesome.