Staring into my glass of wine, trying to figure out my life....
This is one of those nights where I feel like I should be in a movie. Picture it: the woman alone in a cafe, staring into her wine--swirling it around in the glass every now and then--as she contemplates her life and where she is headed long into the night. That's me. Except my cafe is my dorm room. Where am I going? What am I doing? I never have the answers to these questions anymore. I used to. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and who I wanted to do it with and everything else. I had it all figured out. Funny, how things change.
I'm paying many, many thousands of dollars for an education. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things, is it important whether or not I can memorize the periodic table or recite excerpts from my psychology book? I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I've always known I want to teach. It's just hard, during times like these, to see why all the small steps in the begining are necessary to reach the ending goal.
Chase and I fought this weekend. We had a big argument, and I felt awful. I was angry with everyone. No, that's not true. I was short-tempered with everyone because I was angry with myself. So, I called him. He didn't answer.
That evening, as I was looking through some old e-mails, I found something I had e-mailed myself. During a conversation on AIM he had said something that touched me so deeply... had such a profound effect on me that I copied it and sent it to myself. It is the epitome of Chase and Me. I love him. I love him dearly. You hear that a lot with couples. You don't usually hear that over a year after they've broken up.
"Baby, you have no idea how much I love you, how much I care, how much I miss you, and how much I just want us to be truly us again. It means more to me than anything. I would do anything to get you back for life and I don't want to wait. I miss you so much it hurts inside really bad. I just want to see you and give you a big back-cracking hug. I wuv wu. Only you and I can share something this good and this bad and still end up okay."
He may kill me for posting that. Oh well.
What does this tell me? Maybe the best line for me right now is the last one. The point that we will have our ups and downs until the end of time... but we're going to be okay. Sometimes--like tonight--I am so overwhelmed with how much I still care. I still love that boy with my whole and entire heart. Why is it that, despite that, I can't be with him right now? I'm just not ready to settle down yet?
Maybe this glass of red wine can tell me... but somehow, I'm doubting it.
He's right--I miss him so much it hurts inside.
I'm paying many, many thousands of dollars for an education. Is it important? In the grand scheme of things, is it important whether or not I can memorize the periodic table or recite excerpts from my psychology book? I don't even know what I want to do with my life anymore. I've always known I want to teach. It's just hard, during times like these, to see why all the small steps in the begining are necessary to reach the ending goal.
Chase and I fought this weekend. We had a big argument, and I felt awful. I was angry with everyone. No, that's not true. I was short-tempered with everyone because I was angry with myself. So, I called him. He didn't answer.
That evening, as I was looking through some old e-mails, I found something I had e-mailed myself. During a conversation on AIM he had said something that touched me so deeply... had such a profound effect on me that I copied it and sent it to myself. It is the epitome of Chase and Me. I love him. I love him dearly. You hear that a lot with couples. You don't usually hear that over a year after they've broken up.
"Baby, you have no idea how much I love you, how much I care, how much I miss you, and how much I just want us to be truly us again. It means more to me than anything. I would do anything to get you back for life and I don't want to wait. I miss you so much it hurts inside really bad. I just want to see you and give you a big back-cracking hug. I wuv wu. Only you and I can share something this good and this bad and still end up okay."
He may kill me for posting that. Oh well.
What does this tell me? Maybe the best line for me right now is the last one. The point that we will have our ups and downs until the end of time... but we're going to be okay. Sometimes--like tonight--I am so overwhelmed with how much I still care. I still love that boy with my whole and entire heart. Why is it that, despite that, I can't be with him right now? I'm just not ready to settle down yet?
Maybe this glass of red wine can tell me... but somehow, I'm doubting it.
He's right--I miss him so much it hurts inside.