In Security (twins PG13)
Title: In security
Pairing(s): Bill/Tom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Twincest, fluff, angst
Summary: Tom and Bill couldn't be happier, or so they say.
Author's notes: Written for Secret Santa, beta worked by peki. Hope you all had a brilliant Christmas and I wish you the very best for 2010 ♥
It’s a chilly evening at the beginning of December. There’s a thin layer of snow on the ground, but it doesn’t make the surroundings any lighter - it’s pitch dark already, with just a few bright stars in the sky. It’s quiet, all Tom can hear is people huffing because it’s so cold . Tom himself is feeling on top of the world. His fingertips are freezing but he is still feeling electrified from the practice they’ve just finished; he gave his all and he feels hyper. Even Gustav said he had rocked out, and secretly Tom is really taken by that. He’s not as desperate to impress the two older guys as he was back when they had just started the band, but he still wants them to think he’s cool.
”Your fingers are freezing,” Bill suddenly says quietly beside him, taking his hand between his warm, covered ones. ”Why can’t you just wear mittens?”
Tom quickly jerks his hand away. Bill really doesn’t think at all sometimes. He looks around to see if Georg or Gustav noticed anything but they’re too busy trying to ice skate on the slightly slippery pavement.
Bill gives Tom a look. ”It’ll be hard to be a guitar hero if your fingertips fall off.”
Tom is about to say something when Gustav and Georg, pushing each other, bump into his back. ”Haha, right, like Tom even wants to be a rock star for the music,” Georg snickers. ”Or could.”
”I think Tom boy here is in it for the perks,” Gustav agrees with fake thoughtfulness.
”What, you think we could get free clothes?” Bill asks, looking puzzled.
Tom can feel embarrassment radiate from Bill when the others burst out laughing. ”No, you dork, the girls! Think of all the birds that’ll be queuing up by the backstage door, I’ll have to fight the ugliest ones off,” Tom says, sounding willing and eager. ”Or pass them on to Georg,” he laughs.
A snowball meets with the back of Tom’s head, with the sound of Gustav’s laughter booming in the dark evening.
”You wouldn’t know what to do with a woman, kid,” Georg snorts. ”But it’s all good, you can call me and let me show you what goes where.”
”You’re so full of it, Hagen! I would know exactly what to do with this,” Tom says while making an eight-figure of a very curvy woman in the air. ”There’s not that many places to stick it in,” he continues, smirking, and makes a raunchy thrust forward with his hips.
”Oh god,” Bill says under his breath, but no one hears his miffed voice as Georg is at it again.
”Right, so you can just bag a girl and give us videotaped evidence that you did something else to her than just cause a nosebleed, yeah?”
”Nu-uh you perv, you’ll just have to sign up on the waiting list at the video store like everyone else,” Tom says and winks at Bill, looking for support or a smile, but Bill’s eyes are not connecting with his, they’re too busy staring at the ground.
”Bill?” Tom nudges his brothers shoulder. ”Did you hear that? I said that Georg should just sign up for…”
”I heard you fine, no need to repeat it!” Bill snaps. ”Honestly Tom, I don’t know which will happen sooner, you becoming funny or you actually having real sex.”
Georg and Gustav share an alarmed look while Tom is dumb-struck. Gustav clears his throat. ”Soo.. Are you guys coming to the party on Friday?”
”I don’t think…” Tom starts when Bill interrupts him.
”Oh, Tom is coming, he apparently wants to get laid and see huge boobs,” Bill grits out. ”I personally don’t give a shit.”
”About boobs or about the party?” Georg says, trying to lighten the mood and realizing he failed badly with the look that could kill coming from both of the twins.
They’ve arrived at the crossroads where their paths separate. Georg and Gustav still need to catch a bus to get back to their homes. Tom is often grateful that their dump of a rehearsal room is closer to his and Bill’s home - neither of them is too keen on public transportation. And he’d rather not know what would happen if they’d run into one of the assholes from their school at a dark bus stop.
Bill keeps stomping ahead with a small wave of a hand to Gustav and Georg, while Tom stays back.
”We’ll see you on Friday then?” Gustav asks.
Tom hesitates a little. ”I don’t know man, our parents are away and we’re supposed to…” he can’t finish his sentence as Georg starts making chicken noises. ”Fine, whatever, I’ll talk to you guys later.”
Tom waves goodbye and runs to catch up with Bill, who clearly hears him but makes no effort to stop or grace Tom with his attention.
”What the hell, Bill? You know the guys will pester me about going to the party now.”
Bill keeps on walking, making no sound.
”Mum and Gordon are away for the weekend and we had plans,” Tom is almost whining now.
Bill makes a full stop like he’s run into a wall and turns to look at Tom. ”We had plans?” he asks mockingly.
”Well, you know,” Tom says quietly and nudges Bill’s side.
”No, actually, I don’t.”
”Don’t be like that,” Tom sighs, frustrated.
”Like what? Boobless?
Tom abruptly starts to laugh at that. ”Oh god Bill, is that what this is about?”
”Cool that you find it funny,” Bill says through his teeth, his voice colder than the chilly air.
”Seriously Bill?” Tom can’t stop laughing, it’s so surreal. ”I make a joke about tits and you have a fit? You’re a girl alright right now with your hormones and all.”
Bill looks ready to shove Tom into the thorny frozen rose busheswhen their neighbour Mrs. Radler walks by.
“You should watch your mouth there, young mister,” Mrs. Radler nods to Tom.
“Nah, I’m good, I already know it’s sexy,” Tom winks at the middle-aged woman who looks about ready to burst out laughing. She continues on her way, and Bill finally has a chance to push Tom.
“You’re such a jerk!”
“But you love me anyway,” Tom smiles. Bill has nothing to say to that.
They walk back home in uncomfortable silence, luckily it’s only few more minutes away. When they get home, Bill heads straight to his room and doesn’t open the door whenever Tom knocks.
***
Bill isn’t sleeping that well. His dreams are all surreal nightmares of giant boobs and Tom making out with very slutty girls, while he tries to stuff a bra with socks as Georg and Gustav are laughing at him. Their unnaturally loud booming from the dreams is still ringing in Bill’s ears when he wakes up.
Still feeling groggy, Bill walks to his mirror. He stares at himself, only in his boxer shorts, and sighs, defeated. His chest is definitely flat. He tries to gather some skin from around his nipples, but it doesn’t help at all - he’s too skinny to even mock up a small tit. A quick glance inside his boxers is also nothing surprising; he is definitely a boy. And he wants to be one, he has no desire to have boobs and be a girl. He might wear makeup and nail polish, and sometimes people - even Tom in his more tender moments - say Bill is pretty but really, Bill feels very much like a boy. Hell, black eyes and black nails are edgy, they make him feel like a rock star!
Bill has a nagging fear in the back of his head. It’s been there since he first kissed Tom, when they got too drunk one night a few weeks back. Bill looked at Tom and suddenly felt like this was it, Tom was the only one he’d ever need and want, and kissed him with some feeble drunken confidence, sure that Tom would see the same thing in him. Ever since that, an uncomfortable fear has been whispering to BIll making him reconsider if it’s real from Tom’s side or if his big brother is going further than he should just to keep little brother happy.
Bill is certain Tom adores him, protects and cares for him even if they fight sometimes and call each other names. Bill knows and trusts that, but he’s not feeling confident in his own attractiveness, if he really has something that will turn Tom on in a romantic way. Maybe Tom was just confused because Bill looks pretty sometimes.
But Tom didn’t tell him to stop after the first kiss. Quite the contrary.
There’s a knock on the door and Bill knows it’s Tom. He says nothing, but that’s not a no so Tom walks in.
“Bad dreams?” Tom says, his voice still sleepy, and falls onto Bill’s bed. Bill nods, they have a way of knowing each other’s dreams. Bill doesn’t want to look at Tom, he knows how Tom looks in the mornings. His dreads will be flowing free, all tangled up, while his cheek will be warm and have a few lines from the pillow. Tom likes to sleep on his stomach, with his cheek against the cool side of the pillow - Bill sometimes even turns it around for him during the nights.
“Listen, Bill, I’m sorry about…” Tom starts but Bill interrupts him, still turning in front of the mirror, thoughtful.
“Would you like me better if I were a girl?”
Tom blinks and words fail him.
“I mean, if I had really big boobs, would you want to, I don’t know, bang me all the time?”
“What?”
“Well it’s obvious tits intrigue you.”
“Bill…”
“I’m sorry I can’t help you in that department,” Bill says and turns to look at Tom. He looks almost apologetic.
Tom gets up from the bed and walks to his brother, tentatively pulling him to a hug. He feels relieved when Bill doesn’t push him away.
“I didn’t say I wanted to be with you if you had tits or if you were a girl, did I?” Tom says quietly and pets Bill’s hair that’s messy from sleep. Bill shakes his head. “I think I told you that I wanted to be with you because you rock my world.” Bill nods and was that a little smile Tom saw?
“Good,” Tom says and kisses Bill’s nose. Bill wipes it away with a small smile. “I want to bang you, tits or no tits,” Tom adds, and Bill cracks up at that.
***
“So did you raid the wine cabinet yet?” Simone laughs through the phone, which is on speaker so both Bill and Tom can hear their darling mother.
Bill panics a little, checking around quickly for hidden cameras, and glances guiltily at Tom who’s just refilling their glasses with white wine. “No.”
Simone snorts. “It’s fine, you kids are almost fifteen, I’m no idiot, I know what you two get up to. “Now Bill is feeling even more guilty. “Just please stay home and don’t go fooling around drunk outside. I really don’t need another lecture from Mrs. Radler on how a rocker is not a good enough substitute for a dad.”
“Mum please,” Bill whines. He’s having such a perfect night with Tom, he doesn’t want to spoil it with rants from his tipsy mum about his dad. “What are you guys up to?”
“You know, just boring couple stuff, getting tipsy and frisky.”
“Mum please, not when Bill can hear, he’s still young and innocent!” Tom shouts good-humouredly.
Simone laughs some more. “Whatever, you brats, there’s not an innocent bone in you two. Fine, I’ll leave you to your pizza - don’t even try, I know you didn’t go to the shop to buy the stuff I told you to.”
Tom snickers and carries the two glasses of wine to the living room, where they’ve put all pillows they could find in the house on the floor, with comforters, to build a little nest of their own as Bill said happily after his first glass of wine.
Bill hangs up with Simone and comes to the living room. Tom is by the TV, putting on the video they rented. He’s looking so good in basic track pants and a white tank top, with his hair in a low ponytail. Bill can see the ridges of his spine when Tom is crouched down on his knees. He can’t resist walking over there and touching Tom. It feels so unreal that he can do that now, touch Tom so differently when no one sees. True, Bill has always been very touchy feely especially when it comes to Tom, but it’s different now - now he can touch more slowly, with purpose, try to make Tom feel good when before it was the one thing he was trying so hard to avoid; their touches to feel too good.
Bill lowers himself by Tom’s side and kisses his bare skin, then rests his forehead against his bony shoulder.
“Hmm?” Tom turns his head, smiling.
“I’m happy. About you,” Bill blushes and closes his eyes. It feels so good and exciting to be close like this, it’s still so new - they only confessed their true feelings a few weeks ago.
Bill finds it so funny that Tom is now his boyfriend, but at the same time, it’ the most natural thing in the world. After they’ve become boyfriends, Bill has caught himself staring at Tom and wondering how his mind works in such a strange way. He looks at Tom, seeing a big brother who has tickle attacked him and made him giggle so that their stressed-out dad yelled at them. He looks at Tom and he also sees someone he wants to kiss with and be naked with all night.
Tom’s smile widens and he gently lifts Bill’s chin to kiss him. This is something they’re big fans of; each other’s full lips. Tom moves his other hand to the back of Bill’s neck, stroking Bill’s ear slowly with his thumb while his other hand is finding its way under Bill’s tiny t-shirt, gently caressing Bill’s hip. It’s something he knows Bill likes, he shivers slightly every time Tom’s fingertips brush against the hollow under Bill’s hip bone.
Bill is feeling hot, he wants more. They’ve taken things slow, getting used to the newly found intimacy, but Bill is starting to think he’s ready for the next step. He’s ready to go all the way with Tom, and he knows Tom wants it too.
A loud beep from Tom’s mobile interrupts their smooching, he’s received a text message.
“Ignore it,” Bill whispers and strokes Tom’s thigh with his thumb.
“Might be important.“
Bill doesn’t really get what could be important as he is right here and their mum already checked up on them. Groaning, Tom lets go of Bill and reaches out to pick up his mobile. He reads the message and lets out a hearty laugh.
“What is it?” Bill asks, trying to peek over Tom’s shoulder.
“Nothing, just Hagen giving a report on the party, apparently there’s a lot of willing pairs of tits,” Tom shrugs. He can see within an instant Bill’s loved up doting look turn very sour and very bitter, which he tries and fails to hide.
“Oh.”
“Yes, ‘oh’. I’m glad I’m not there, I’m exactly where I want to be,” Tom smiles and ruffles Bill’s hair. “I’ll be right back, need a piss.”
Bill sulks silently and huffs. Tom disappears from his sight but unfortunately his mobile doesn’t. It keeps staring at Bill. Bill barely even thinks about it, he moves on gut feeling. Sure he knows it’s wrong and he shouldn’t, and he would freak out if Tom did something like this, but it all becomes secondary as he flips through the text messages received and sent. His fingers are moving fast like lightning.
“I can’t believe you would,” Tom‘s voice comes from the door.
Bill looks up like a deer in the headlights and quickly hides the mobile behind his back. “Would what?”
Tom looks so disappointed as he walks closer to Bill. “You’re reading my texts.”
“No,” Bill lies.
Tom looks desperate, not even angry but disappointed. “Why would you? What did you think you could possibly find?”
Bill is at a loss for words, he feels so embarrassed, until he finds anger inside him as his friend in this moment of being lost. “You set me up.”
“What?”
“Yes, you set me up, you left your mobile lying around and went ‘to the toilet’ because you wanted to test me,” Bill’s voice grows louder and harder. “You set me up because you think I’m a crazy jealous person who doesn’t trust you,” Bill squints his eyes.
“That’s what you’re acting like!” Tom loses his temper. “It’s like you have zero trust in me, going on about how I’m all about tits or fucking someone. What the fuck Bill, checking my phone now?”
Bill swears he won’t start tearing up. “You’ve given me zero reason not to think that, Tom! All you keep talking about is…”
“When we’re in public! Someone has to pretend we’re normal, all you do is keep making it obvious for everyone! You can‘t just hold my hand and give me puppy eyes.”
“You make it sound like I’m your dirty little secret,” Bill spits.
Silence falls; they both know it’s actually true. Finally Bill speaks up, defeated. “This isn’t what I thought it would be. Maybe we should just go back to the way we were before.”
Tom stares at Bill with an incredulous look for a minute before he speaks again. “I’m going upstairs.”
Bill watches Tom leave. He tries to rouse more anger at Tom for thinking so low of him, for not really being in love with him at all; he’s probably just playing. Yes, Bill tries to think all that but he just feels like maybe he’s screwing it all up royally. He doesn’t want to lose Tom, and there’s no way of going back to anything after what they’ve had. Even if it was just for a little time, it’ll always be there, it always has been.
The mobile lies on the floor, abandoned, showing Tom’s reply to Georg: “You keep the tits, I’m more of an ass person these days LOL.”
***
Tom isn’t dumb. He had a master plan to have it all. He figured he could have Bill, and even if his little brother often forgot to think about realities and went with his raw emotions, Tom thought he could patch things up. People already think they are weird, and with the way Bill has been acting - giving adoring looks to Tom, for instance - Tom thought that he could make all of people’s ideas go away if he just became a player, all talk about girls and sex and nothing even closely resembling the L word. Tom had a master plan to have it all, but he forgot the most important bit - that his dear little brother tends to go with raw emotions and forget about realities.
It took him and Bill fourteen years to face the inevitable, that they are soul mates and meant to be together forever, as Bill had so poetically worded it. And Tom agreed. They both had felt it since the very start, probably. Neither of them ever doubted that they were the sun and the moon and the stars to each other; being loved was the one solid certain in both of their lives. After finally really getting together with Bill, Tom counted on having a perfect life with a perfect relationship with his perfect Bill.
Up until now, anyway.
He can’t understand how Bill could ever doubt him, he never did before. He has unbreakable trust in Bill as he always had, and he has no idea what’s wrong on the other side of the equation. Bill wants to go back to the way they were before. Tom laughs bitterly; like that would even be possible anymore. There is too much between them, and hasn’t all their life just been a build-up for something even more eternal? Tom knows it’ll be impossible to live under the same roof with Bill, he can’t let go if he has to face Bill every day, hell, he can’t let go anyway. And the band, this will screw it up, just when they are getting somewhere. When Tom gets to thinking of his mum, his headache is buzzing, and he refuses to even think about how all this will affect his most important person.
Tom’s head is in the middle of exploding when there’s a quiet knock on his door.
“Come in,” Tom says, not even bothering to pretend he’s not lying in a miserable fetal position on his bed.
Bill obviously isn’t doing any better. He’s been crying. “I don’t want to break up,” he whispers in a choked voice. And that right there is all Tom needs to know for now to function. Bill sometimes tells him he’s his hero, and Tom secretly takes it pretty seriously.
Bill continues, “I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” He looks so lost, standing at the door, with his eyes on the floor and his fingers fidgeting nervously with the hem of his t-shirt.
“No, you were right, I haven’t been amazing either,” Tom sighs and sits up. “Come here.”
Bill doesn’t need to be told twice. He sits next to Tom, with their sides touching. It’s almost bittersweet that even when they’re the ones making each other feel miserable, they’re also the only ones able to give each other comfort. They let out a simultaneous sigh.
“We didn’t really think this through,” Tom says matter-of-factly and Bill nods. “We couldn’t even break up, it’ll mess everything up, it’s just not possible.”
“Guess you’re stuck with me then,” Bill murmurs.
Tom nudges him softly. “I always was.”
“I just, I thought, I thought we could be perfect and forever and it would be so easy, all of this. Just be the way we were and add some kissing and stuff,” Bill confesses. “And I ruined it all with being a crazy jealous bitch.”
Tom says nothing, so Bill adds: “You’re supposed to say I’m not, now,” and it makes them both smile a little though it’s not without reservations yet.
“I’m not sure you really want to be with me, or if you’re just doing all this to not make me feel bad. You make me feel insecure, I know I have nothing to keep you with if you want to find someone else,” Bill’s voice breaks.
“You idiot, I’ve told you so many times it’s all about you.”
“But what if in the future…”
“Pfft, could you have someone else in the future? And not want to be with me anymore?”
“That’s ridiculous, of course not!”
“See? When did we stop being identical? It fits here too, dummy,” Tom says affectionately and carefully crosses his pinkie with Bill’s. “My biggest fear in the world is losing you. Even I‘m not idiotic enough to go do it myself.”
Bill lets out a deep breath, maybe he’s been holding it for days. “I just thought this wouldn’t be hard at all, that it would go perfectly and then suddenly I felt so insecure and I couldn’t stop.”
“If someone can have perfect, I bet it’ll be us,” Tom whispers in Bill’s ear and grabs him in the tightest, most emotional hug he’s ever given anyone.
That night, Bill decides to trust Tom with everything and it does feel perfect. He realizes there’s no reason for doubting Tom for the rest of his life, because really, he’s always been the only one Tom has eyes for.
***
Bill has decided that all he wants for Christmas is a night with Tom. Luckily Simone still has patches on her eyes regarding her innocent offspring, so when the twins requested a double mattress in the living room for Christmas night, Simone happily obliged after some annoying cheek patting.
When the clock strikes midnight, Tom suddenly starts to look all sheepish and shy, while Bill gets even more giddy than normally at Christmas.
“What?” they both ask simultaneously, with an equally simultaneously reply of “I have something for you.”
Bill claps his hands while Tom scratches his neck nervously. “You first,” Bill flails happily.
Tom blushes an even deeper shade of red. “Uhm, it’s not really much, or anything really, and it’s really a stupid idea, maybe I’ll just…”
“Tom. Give me my present.”
Tom sighs and grabs his guitar from nearby. “Just, it really is nothing, something small I came up with and not…”
Bill clasps a hand before his mouth. “You wrote me a love song?”
Tom can just hear him awwing inside his head. “Well, umm, I guess. Yeah, I wrote you a song. It doesn‘t have lyrics or anything though.”
Bill starts to laugh, feeling around his side of the mattress and pulling a parcel wrapped with red ribbon, handing it to Tom. “Maybe it’ll fit with these?”
They both know it’s all pretty cheesy, but it’s ok, it’s their way. Tom carefully opens the parcel and starts to look through the words. He only gets a few lines in when he suddenly stops and looks at Bill. “This isn’t right.”
Bill looks worried. “Don’t you like it? I mean, I know I still need to develop a lot but I wrote this…”
Tom interrupts him with a gentle kiss. “Shut up, I just meant I want to hear them from you.”
Bill looks relieved, and as Tom starts to pick on his guitar, Bill starts to fit the words, their words, to their rhythm and the song sounds perfect the first time. Tom fights a naughty remark when Bill gets to the bit where he’s singing about how it felt cold inside him for so long - Tom’s trying hard to be a real boyfriend and suppress the dork of a brother inside him.
As the last notes still echo in the living room, Tom leans in to kiss Bill again.
“I’ll never be able to play this live though.”
Pairing(s): Bill/Tom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Twincest, fluff, angst
Summary: Tom and Bill couldn't be happier, or so they say.
Author's notes: Written for Secret Santa, beta worked by peki. Hope you all had a brilliant Christmas and I wish you the very best for 2010 ♥
It’s a chilly evening at the beginning of December. There’s a thin layer of snow on the ground, but it doesn’t make the surroundings any lighter - it’s pitch dark already, with just a few bright stars in the sky. It’s quiet, all Tom can hear is people huffing because it’s so cold . Tom himself is feeling on top of the world. His fingertips are freezing but he is still feeling electrified from the practice they’ve just finished; he gave his all and he feels hyper. Even Gustav said he had rocked out, and secretly Tom is really taken by that. He’s not as desperate to impress the two older guys as he was back when they had just started the band, but he still wants them to think he’s cool.
”Your fingers are freezing,” Bill suddenly says quietly beside him, taking his hand between his warm, covered ones. ”Why can’t you just wear mittens?”
Tom quickly jerks his hand away. Bill really doesn’t think at all sometimes. He looks around to see if Georg or Gustav noticed anything but they’re too busy trying to ice skate on the slightly slippery pavement.
Bill gives Tom a look. ”It’ll be hard to be a guitar hero if your fingertips fall off.”
Tom is about to say something when Gustav and Georg, pushing each other, bump into his back. ”Haha, right, like Tom even wants to be a rock star for the music,” Georg snickers. ”Or could.”
”I think Tom boy here is in it for the perks,” Gustav agrees with fake thoughtfulness.
”What, you think we could get free clothes?” Bill asks, looking puzzled.
Tom can feel embarrassment radiate from Bill when the others burst out laughing. ”No, you dork, the girls! Think of all the birds that’ll be queuing up by the backstage door, I’ll have to fight the ugliest ones off,” Tom says, sounding willing and eager. ”Or pass them on to Georg,” he laughs.
A snowball meets with the back of Tom’s head, with the sound of Gustav’s laughter booming in the dark evening.
”You wouldn’t know what to do with a woman, kid,” Georg snorts. ”But it’s all good, you can call me and let me show you what goes where.”
”You’re so full of it, Hagen! I would know exactly what to do with this,” Tom says while making an eight-figure of a very curvy woman in the air. ”There’s not that many places to stick it in,” he continues, smirking, and makes a raunchy thrust forward with his hips.
”Oh god,” Bill says under his breath, but no one hears his miffed voice as Georg is at it again.
”Right, so you can just bag a girl and give us videotaped evidence that you did something else to her than just cause a nosebleed, yeah?”
”Nu-uh you perv, you’ll just have to sign up on the waiting list at the video store like everyone else,” Tom says and winks at Bill, looking for support or a smile, but Bill’s eyes are not connecting with his, they’re too busy staring at the ground.
”Bill?” Tom nudges his brothers shoulder. ”Did you hear that? I said that Georg should just sign up for…”
”I heard you fine, no need to repeat it!” Bill snaps. ”Honestly Tom, I don’t know which will happen sooner, you becoming funny or you actually having real sex.”
Georg and Gustav share an alarmed look while Tom is dumb-struck. Gustav clears his throat. ”Soo.. Are you guys coming to the party on Friday?”
”I don’t think…” Tom starts when Bill interrupts him.
”Oh, Tom is coming, he apparently wants to get laid and see huge boobs,” Bill grits out. ”I personally don’t give a shit.”
”About boobs or about the party?” Georg says, trying to lighten the mood and realizing he failed badly with the look that could kill coming from both of the twins.
They’ve arrived at the crossroads where their paths separate. Georg and Gustav still need to catch a bus to get back to their homes. Tom is often grateful that their dump of a rehearsal room is closer to his and Bill’s home - neither of them is too keen on public transportation. And he’d rather not know what would happen if they’d run into one of the assholes from their school at a dark bus stop.
Bill keeps stomping ahead with a small wave of a hand to Gustav and Georg, while Tom stays back.
”We’ll see you on Friday then?” Gustav asks.
Tom hesitates a little. ”I don’t know man, our parents are away and we’re supposed to…” he can’t finish his sentence as Georg starts making chicken noises. ”Fine, whatever, I’ll talk to you guys later.”
Tom waves goodbye and runs to catch up with Bill, who clearly hears him but makes no effort to stop or grace Tom with his attention.
”What the hell, Bill? You know the guys will pester me about going to the party now.”
Bill keeps on walking, making no sound.
”Mum and Gordon are away for the weekend and we had plans,” Tom is almost whining now.
Bill makes a full stop like he’s run into a wall and turns to look at Tom. ”We had plans?” he asks mockingly.
”Well, you know,” Tom says quietly and nudges Bill’s side.
”No, actually, I don’t.”
”Don’t be like that,” Tom sighs, frustrated.
”Like what? Boobless?
Tom abruptly starts to laugh at that. ”Oh god Bill, is that what this is about?”
”Cool that you find it funny,” Bill says through his teeth, his voice colder than the chilly air.
”Seriously Bill?” Tom can’t stop laughing, it’s so surreal. ”I make a joke about tits and you have a fit? You’re a girl alright right now with your hormones and all.”
Bill looks ready to shove Tom into the thorny frozen rose busheswhen their neighbour Mrs. Radler walks by.
“You should watch your mouth there, young mister,” Mrs. Radler nods to Tom.
“Nah, I’m good, I already know it’s sexy,” Tom winks at the middle-aged woman who looks about ready to burst out laughing. She continues on her way, and Bill finally has a chance to push Tom.
“You’re such a jerk!”
“But you love me anyway,” Tom smiles. Bill has nothing to say to that.
They walk back home in uncomfortable silence, luckily it’s only few more minutes away. When they get home, Bill heads straight to his room and doesn’t open the door whenever Tom knocks.
***
Bill isn’t sleeping that well. His dreams are all surreal nightmares of giant boobs and Tom making out with very slutty girls, while he tries to stuff a bra with socks as Georg and Gustav are laughing at him. Their unnaturally loud booming from the dreams is still ringing in Bill’s ears when he wakes up.
Still feeling groggy, Bill walks to his mirror. He stares at himself, only in his boxer shorts, and sighs, defeated. His chest is definitely flat. He tries to gather some skin from around his nipples, but it doesn’t help at all - he’s too skinny to even mock up a small tit. A quick glance inside his boxers is also nothing surprising; he is definitely a boy. And he wants to be one, he has no desire to have boobs and be a girl. He might wear makeup and nail polish, and sometimes people - even Tom in his more tender moments - say Bill is pretty but really, Bill feels very much like a boy. Hell, black eyes and black nails are edgy, they make him feel like a rock star!
Bill has a nagging fear in the back of his head. It’s been there since he first kissed Tom, when they got too drunk one night a few weeks back. Bill looked at Tom and suddenly felt like this was it, Tom was the only one he’d ever need and want, and kissed him with some feeble drunken confidence, sure that Tom would see the same thing in him. Ever since that, an uncomfortable fear has been whispering to BIll making him reconsider if it’s real from Tom’s side or if his big brother is going further than he should just to keep little brother happy.
Bill is certain Tom adores him, protects and cares for him even if they fight sometimes and call each other names. Bill knows and trusts that, but he’s not feeling confident in his own attractiveness, if he really has something that will turn Tom on in a romantic way. Maybe Tom was just confused because Bill looks pretty sometimes.
But Tom didn’t tell him to stop after the first kiss. Quite the contrary.
There’s a knock on the door and Bill knows it’s Tom. He says nothing, but that’s not a no so Tom walks in.
“Bad dreams?” Tom says, his voice still sleepy, and falls onto Bill’s bed. Bill nods, they have a way of knowing each other’s dreams. Bill doesn’t want to look at Tom, he knows how Tom looks in the mornings. His dreads will be flowing free, all tangled up, while his cheek will be warm and have a few lines from the pillow. Tom likes to sleep on his stomach, with his cheek against the cool side of the pillow - Bill sometimes even turns it around for him during the nights.
“Listen, Bill, I’m sorry about…” Tom starts but Bill interrupts him, still turning in front of the mirror, thoughtful.
“Would you like me better if I were a girl?”
Tom blinks and words fail him.
“I mean, if I had really big boobs, would you want to, I don’t know, bang me all the time?”
“What?”
“Well it’s obvious tits intrigue you.”
“Bill…”
“I’m sorry I can’t help you in that department,” Bill says and turns to look at Tom. He looks almost apologetic.
Tom gets up from the bed and walks to his brother, tentatively pulling him to a hug. He feels relieved when Bill doesn’t push him away.
“I didn’t say I wanted to be with you if you had tits or if you were a girl, did I?” Tom says quietly and pets Bill’s hair that’s messy from sleep. Bill shakes his head. “I think I told you that I wanted to be with you because you rock my world.” Bill nods and was that a little smile Tom saw?
“Good,” Tom says and kisses Bill’s nose. Bill wipes it away with a small smile. “I want to bang you, tits or no tits,” Tom adds, and Bill cracks up at that.
***
“So did you raid the wine cabinet yet?” Simone laughs through the phone, which is on speaker so both Bill and Tom can hear their darling mother.
Bill panics a little, checking around quickly for hidden cameras, and glances guiltily at Tom who’s just refilling their glasses with white wine. “No.”
Simone snorts. “It’s fine, you kids are almost fifteen, I’m no idiot, I know what you two get up to. “Now Bill is feeling even more guilty. “Just please stay home and don’t go fooling around drunk outside. I really don’t need another lecture from Mrs. Radler on how a rocker is not a good enough substitute for a dad.”
“Mum please,” Bill whines. He’s having such a perfect night with Tom, he doesn’t want to spoil it with rants from his tipsy mum about his dad. “What are you guys up to?”
“You know, just boring couple stuff, getting tipsy and frisky.”
“Mum please, not when Bill can hear, he’s still young and innocent!” Tom shouts good-humouredly.
Simone laughs some more. “Whatever, you brats, there’s not an innocent bone in you two. Fine, I’ll leave you to your pizza - don’t even try, I know you didn’t go to the shop to buy the stuff I told you to.”
Tom snickers and carries the two glasses of wine to the living room, where they’ve put all pillows they could find in the house on the floor, with comforters, to build a little nest of their own as Bill said happily after his first glass of wine.
Bill hangs up with Simone and comes to the living room. Tom is by the TV, putting on the video they rented. He’s looking so good in basic track pants and a white tank top, with his hair in a low ponytail. Bill can see the ridges of his spine when Tom is crouched down on his knees. He can’t resist walking over there and touching Tom. It feels so unreal that he can do that now, touch Tom so differently when no one sees. True, Bill has always been very touchy feely especially when it comes to Tom, but it’s different now - now he can touch more slowly, with purpose, try to make Tom feel good when before it was the one thing he was trying so hard to avoid; their touches to feel too good.
Bill lowers himself by Tom’s side and kisses his bare skin, then rests his forehead against his bony shoulder.
“Hmm?” Tom turns his head, smiling.
“I’m happy. About you,” Bill blushes and closes his eyes. It feels so good and exciting to be close like this, it’s still so new - they only confessed their true feelings a few weeks ago.
Bill finds it so funny that Tom is now his boyfriend, but at the same time, it’ the most natural thing in the world. After they’ve become boyfriends, Bill has caught himself staring at Tom and wondering how his mind works in such a strange way. He looks at Tom, seeing a big brother who has tickle attacked him and made him giggle so that their stressed-out dad yelled at them. He looks at Tom and he also sees someone he wants to kiss with and be naked with all night.
Tom’s smile widens and he gently lifts Bill’s chin to kiss him. This is something they’re big fans of; each other’s full lips. Tom moves his other hand to the back of Bill’s neck, stroking Bill’s ear slowly with his thumb while his other hand is finding its way under Bill’s tiny t-shirt, gently caressing Bill’s hip. It’s something he knows Bill likes, he shivers slightly every time Tom’s fingertips brush against the hollow under Bill’s hip bone.
Bill is feeling hot, he wants more. They’ve taken things slow, getting used to the newly found intimacy, but Bill is starting to think he’s ready for the next step. He’s ready to go all the way with Tom, and he knows Tom wants it too.
A loud beep from Tom’s mobile interrupts their smooching, he’s received a text message.
“Ignore it,” Bill whispers and strokes Tom’s thigh with his thumb.
“Might be important.“
Bill doesn’t really get what could be important as he is right here and their mum already checked up on them. Groaning, Tom lets go of Bill and reaches out to pick up his mobile. He reads the message and lets out a hearty laugh.
“What is it?” Bill asks, trying to peek over Tom’s shoulder.
“Nothing, just Hagen giving a report on the party, apparently there’s a lot of willing pairs of tits,” Tom shrugs. He can see within an instant Bill’s loved up doting look turn very sour and very bitter, which he tries and fails to hide.
“Oh.”
“Yes, ‘oh’. I’m glad I’m not there, I’m exactly where I want to be,” Tom smiles and ruffles Bill’s hair. “I’ll be right back, need a piss.”
Bill sulks silently and huffs. Tom disappears from his sight but unfortunately his mobile doesn’t. It keeps staring at Bill. Bill barely even thinks about it, he moves on gut feeling. Sure he knows it’s wrong and he shouldn’t, and he would freak out if Tom did something like this, but it all becomes secondary as he flips through the text messages received and sent. His fingers are moving fast like lightning.
“I can’t believe you would,” Tom‘s voice comes from the door.
Bill looks up like a deer in the headlights and quickly hides the mobile behind his back. “Would what?”
Tom looks so disappointed as he walks closer to Bill. “You’re reading my texts.”
“No,” Bill lies.
Tom looks desperate, not even angry but disappointed. “Why would you? What did you think you could possibly find?”
Bill is at a loss for words, he feels so embarrassed, until he finds anger inside him as his friend in this moment of being lost. “You set me up.”
“What?”
“Yes, you set me up, you left your mobile lying around and went ‘to the toilet’ because you wanted to test me,” Bill’s voice grows louder and harder. “You set me up because you think I’m a crazy jealous person who doesn’t trust you,” Bill squints his eyes.
“That’s what you’re acting like!” Tom loses his temper. “It’s like you have zero trust in me, going on about how I’m all about tits or fucking someone. What the fuck Bill, checking my phone now?”
Bill swears he won’t start tearing up. “You’ve given me zero reason not to think that, Tom! All you keep talking about is…”
“When we’re in public! Someone has to pretend we’re normal, all you do is keep making it obvious for everyone! You can‘t just hold my hand and give me puppy eyes.”
“You make it sound like I’m your dirty little secret,” Bill spits.
Silence falls; they both know it’s actually true. Finally Bill speaks up, defeated. “This isn’t what I thought it would be. Maybe we should just go back to the way we were before.”
Tom stares at Bill with an incredulous look for a minute before he speaks again. “I’m going upstairs.”
Bill watches Tom leave. He tries to rouse more anger at Tom for thinking so low of him, for not really being in love with him at all; he’s probably just playing. Yes, Bill tries to think all that but he just feels like maybe he’s screwing it all up royally. He doesn’t want to lose Tom, and there’s no way of going back to anything after what they’ve had. Even if it was just for a little time, it’ll always be there, it always has been.
The mobile lies on the floor, abandoned, showing Tom’s reply to Georg: “You keep the tits, I’m more of an ass person these days LOL.”
***
Tom isn’t dumb. He had a master plan to have it all. He figured he could have Bill, and even if his little brother often forgot to think about realities and went with his raw emotions, Tom thought he could patch things up. People already think they are weird, and with the way Bill has been acting - giving adoring looks to Tom, for instance - Tom thought that he could make all of people’s ideas go away if he just became a player, all talk about girls and sex and nothing even closely resembling the L word. Tom had a master plan to have it all, but he forgot the most important bit - that his dear little brother tends to go with raw emotions and forget about realities.
It took him and Bill fourteen years to face the inevitable, that they are soul mates and meant to be together forever, as Bill had so poetically worded it. And Tom agreed. They both had felt it since the very start, probably. Neither of them ever doubted that they were the sun and the moon and the stars to each other; being loved was the one solid certain in both of their lives. After finally really getting together with Bill, Tom counted on having a perfect life with a perfect relationship with his perfect Bill.
Up until now, anyway.
He can’t understand how Bill could ever doubt him, he never did before. He has unbreakable trust in Bill as he always had, and he has no idea what’s wrong on the other side of the equation. Bill wants to go back to the way they were before. Tom laughs bitterly; like that would even be possible anymore. There is too much between them, and hasn’t all their life just been a build-up for something even more eternal? Tom knows it’ll be impossible to live under the same roof with Bill, he can’t let go if he has to face Bill every day, hell, he can’t let go anyway. And the band, this will screw it up, just when they are getting somewhere. When Tom gets to thinking of his mum, his headache is buzzing, and he refuses to even think about how all this will affect his most important person.
Tom’s head is in the middle of exploding when there’s a quiet knock on his door.
“Come in,” Tom says, not even bothering to pretend he’s not lying in a miserable fetal position on his bed.
Bill obviously isn’t doing any better. He’s been crying. “I don’t want to break up,” he whispers in a choked voice. And that right there is all Tom needs to know for now to function. Bill sometimes tells him he’s his hero, and Tom secretly takes it pretty seriously.
Bill continues, “I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” He looks so lost, standing at the door, with his eyes on the floor and his fingers fidgeting nervously with the hem of his t-shirt.
“No, you were right, I haven’t been amazing either,” Tom sighs and sits up. “Come here.”
Bill doesn’t need to be told twice. He sits next to Tom, with their sides touching. It’s almost bittersweet that even when they’re the ones making each other feel miserable, they’re also the only ones able to give each other comfort. They let out a simultaneous sigh.
“We didn’t really think this through,” Tom says matter-of-factly and Bill nods. “We couldn’t even break up, it’ll mess everything up, it’s just not possible.”
“Guess you’re stuck with me then,” Bill murmurs.
Tom nudges him softly. “I always was.”
“I just, I thought, I thought we could be perfect and forever and it would be so easy, all of this. Just be the way we were and add some kissing and stuff,” Bill confesses. “And I ruined it all with being a crazy jealous bitch.”
Tom says nothing, so Bill adds: “You’re supposed to say I’m not, now,” and it makes them both smile a little though it’s not without reservations yet.
“I’m not sure you really want to be with me, or if you’re just doing all this to not make me feel bad. You make me feel insecure, I know I have nothing to keep you with if you want to find someone else,” Bill’s voice breaks.
“You idiot, I’ve told you so many times it’s all about you.”
“But what if in the future…”
“Pfft, could you have someone else in the future? And not want to be with me anymore?”
“That’s ridiculous, of course not!”
“See? When did we stop being identical? It fits here too, dummy,” Tom says affectionately and carefully crosses his pinkie with Bill’s. “My biggest fear in the world is losing you. Even I‘m not idiotic enough to go do it myself.”
Bill lets out a deep breath, maybe he’s been holding it for days. “I just thought this wouldn’t be hard at all, that it would go perfectly and then suddenly I felt so insecure and I couldn’t stop.”
“If someone can have perfect, I bet it’ll be us,” Tom whispers in Bill’s ear and grabs him in the tightest, most emotional hug he’s ever given anyone.
That night, Bill decides to trust Tom with everything and it does feel perfect. He realizes there’s no reason for doubting Tom for the rest of his life, because really, he’s always been the only one Tom has eyes for.
***
Bill has decided that all he wants for Christmas is a night with Tom. Luckily Simone still has patches on her eyes regarding her innocent offspring, so when the twins requested a double mattress in the living room for Christmas night, Simone happily obliged after some annoying cheek patting.
When the clock strikes midnight, Tom suddenly starts to look all sheepish and shy, while Bill gets even more giddy than normally at Christmas.
“What?” they both ask simultaneously, with an equally simultaneously reply of “I have something for you.”
Bill claps his hands while Tom scratches his neck nervously. “You first,” Bill flails happily.
Tom blushes an even deeper shade of red. “Uhm, it’s not really much, or anything really, and it’s really a stupid idea, maybe I’ll just…”
“Tom. Give me my present.”
Tom sighs and grabs his guitar from nearby. “Just, it really is nothing, something small I came up with and not…”
Bill clasps a hand before his mouth. “You wrote me a love song?”
Tom can just hear him awwing inside his head. “Well, umm, I guess. Yeah, I wrote you a song. It doesn‘t have lyrics or anything though.”
Bill starts to laugh, feeling around his side of the mattress and pulling a parcel wrapped with red ribbon, handing it to Tom. “Maybe it’ll fit with these?”
They both know it’s all pretty cheesy, but it’s ok, it’s their way. Tom carefully opens the parcel and starts to look through the words. He only gets a few lines in when he suddenly stops and looks at Bill. “This isn’t right.”
Bill looks worried. “Don’t you like it? I mean, I know I still need to develop a lot but I wrote this…”
Tom interrupts him with a gentle kiss. “Shut up, I just meant I want to hear them from you.”
Bill looks relieved, and as Tom starts to pick on his guitar, Bill starts to fit the words, their words, to their rhythm and the song sounds perfect the first time. Tom fights a naughty remark when Bill gets to the bit where he’s singing about how it felt cold inside him for so long - Tom’s trying hard to be a real boyfriend and suppress the dork of a brother inside him.
As the last notes still echo in the living room, Tom leans in to kiss Bill again.
“I’ll never be able to play this live though.”