Tortured
Why do I do things that torture my spirit?
Why do I look for things that I know will make me upset?
Why can't I just stay content being at peace with God and my body?
Why do I purposely search out for things that will cut me deeper and deeper (metaphorically that is)?
I went to the Eryndor forum today. I don't know why I did though, because every time I'm there after an absence (i haven't been there in about at month), every thing that I read stirs me up. I'm not going to post a lot of details because people have asked me not too. But this is what I'm feeling.
Very hurt by what I do to myself. I try to find hope where hopelessness lives. I look at the people in Eryndor (which is the sword fighting club that Mike got me into) and all I see in everyone's lives is hopelessly searching for that next great thrill of being drunk or being laid. I know inside each of them *somewhere* is a desire to be filled with Christ, but that 's not the picture that I see when I'm looking at them.
Forgive me for reading too much into what is said in the privacy of the internet, but certain things, just the way they hit me, rub me the wrong way. Silk screened panties *just to throw that out there* makes me second guess a lot of things that I probably shouldn’t.
I'm learning through my own mistakes how what I do and what I say hurts other people. The last thing that I want when I'm standing before The Judgment Seat of Christ is for him to rebuke me for being careless with my words.
Some where, the Bible states that life and death flows from my mouth. Everything that I say is either creating life in someone or killing them. If I look to Mike in my flesh and say hurtful things, I'm firing arrows of hurt at him and am hitting him flawlessly. But if in my spirit I speak encouraging things to him, I'll deflect the arrows that the enemy is firing.
What am I trying to say with all of this? Personally you all can hold me accountable to the things that come out of my mouth. I want to speak life into my brothers and sisters, but death sneaks in there some times. Preemptively I apologize for the death that I will undoubtedly speak into your lives, but know that behind that death is a man who truly desires to fill his body with life.