Happy New Year
So it is a new year. I thought I'd give an update and list out some resolutions.
Like every year there are some that are purely superficial ones. In my case, I'd like to lose the 5 pounds I out on over the holiday. Since I lost 30lbs of goo over the summer, putting back on 5 isn't so bad, but I still am aiming for that six pack and I had two of that pack at that point and I can feel abs underneath now, so I'd like to finish it off. Also, I'd like to put on 15-20lbs to my bench press. Which shouldn't be too far out of reach and I'll be joining a new gym soon that is closer to my house and just down the street. Also, sticking to the budget I made, continue studying for the GRE/GMAT as well and continuing my non-smoking ways.
Those are the ones I think everyone makes though and there is nothing special about any of them. Self-improvement has been a focus this past year for the most part. I keep telling myself continuing that trend can only lead to better things.
I have other, more personal ones as well.
The new year started off with a feeling of renewed hope and promise. I began it feeling optimistic that there was change in the air and fresh start that a new year held is always uplifting. Of course, just because the number you write at the en of the date changes, it does not mean other things will change necessarily.
I did begin with the hope that perhaps just maybe it was time to reach out to the ex-gf and say hello. Yesterday I did just that. I sucked it up and placed the phone call, not having talked with her in months. It...was not met well. The tone of her voice when she responded to "Hi Elena, this is Chad. I just was calling to say hi and see how you were" was not a happy tone. I would say disgusted is closer to it. She said she couldn't talk and asked if she could call me later because she was at the gym. I said something along the lines of wanting to catch up and that sure, we could talk later. And that was about it.
Then, I got home to discover the present I sent her and her family for Christmas, something small, was returned, unopened in my living room. She obviously took the letter out and then just returned the rest without so much as opening it.
To say, without a doubt, I was devastated would be an understatement. That months later, I could be destroyed by this gesture is telling. Also, I know it not only means she has not forgiven me, but that she actively hates me when she actually thinks of me and vividly recalls the hurt I caused as opposed to any of the good feelings she may have once had. I cannot say I don't deserve it. I hurt her. I wish she knew how sorry I am and how I think of her every day. Of course, I try not to dwell on her, but she still makes it into my thoughts regularly and even months later, she appears in my dreams. So every day, I regret what I did and wish I could make it up to her. She needs not punish me because I am doing it to myself every day.
Just seeing that box set off a tidal wave of emotion that I had held to just a low throbbing for so long and turned it into a fresh heart break. I hate knowing I had the woman I wanted to marry and it is my fault I lost her and created a woman who loathes me instead. To have sent it back, sans any sort of note, was a bad sign and meant to hurt. I have only myself to blame of course regardless of how my friends try to tell me it isn't just my fault. I wish I could take back what I did or go back and make just one or two decisions differently. I could have stopped this beforehand. I ruined a relationship with this woman I wanted to be my wife, a person that was my best friend, and the first woman I saw as my soulmate and someone I would have a family with someday. Yesterday I was feeling like I was dying on the inside. If I had not been surrounded by people yesterday, I don't know if I could have held it together. In fact, the only thing that kept me holding it together was not wanting to show others how heartbroken I was.
But I was too late getting my act together and hurt her. Now that my "act" is more together, sure, I'm proud of what I have done for myself, but there is a part of me that feels it is empty without her. I had thought maybe, just maybe, up until yesterday there was a silly hope inside me that it was possible to reconnect with her. I was feeling good about myself. Feeling as if I was prepared to do it, that I had a window of opportunity to do so. I even felt, in my heart, that given the chance, she would have been happy with the results. New year and all that jazz.
So, what to do? I will probably just drop off the gift again and a note and let that be it. Maybe try that phone call someday again. I don't know. I wish I could stop thinking about her, especially not every single day.
Like every year there are some that are purely superficial ones. In my case, I'd like to lose the 5 pounds I out on over the holiday. Since I lost 30lbs of goo over the summer, putting back on 5 isn't so bad, but I still am aiming for that six pack and I had two of that pack at that point and I can feel abs underneath now, so I'd like to finish it off. Also, I'd like to put on 15-20lbs to my bench press. Which shouldn't be too far out of reach and I'll be joining a new gym soon that is closer to my house and just down the street. Also, sticking to the budget I made, continue studying for the GRE/GMAT as well and continuing my non-smoking ways.
Those are the ones I think everyone makes though and there is nothing special about any of them. Self-improvement has been a focus this past year for the most part. I keep telling myself continuing that trend can only lead to better things.
I have other, more personal ones as well.
The new year started off with a feeling of renewed hope and promise. I began it feeling optimistic that there was change in the air and fresh start that a new year held is always uplifting. Of course, just because the number you write at the en of the date changes, it does not mean other things will change necessarily.
I did begin with the hope that perhaps just maybe it was time to reach out to the ex-gf and say hello. Yesterday I did just that. I sucked it up and placed the phone call, not having talked with her in months. It...was not met well. The tone of her voice when she responded to "Hi Elena, this is Chad. I just was calling to say hi and see how you were" was not a happy tone. I would say disgusted is closer to it. She said she couldn't talk and asked if she could call me later because she was at the gym. I said something along the lines of wanting to catch up and that sure, we could talk later. And that was about it.
Then, I got home to discover the present I sent her and her family for Christmas, something small, was returned, unopened in my living room. She obviously took the letter out and then just returned the rest without so much as opening it.
To say, without a doubt, I was devastated would be an understatement. That months later, I could be destroyed by this gesture is telling. Also, I know it not only means she has not forgiven me, but that she actively hates me when she actually thinks of me and vividly recalls the hurt I caused as opposed to any of the good feelings she may have once had. I cannot say I don't deserve it. I hurt her. I wish she knew how sorry I am and how I think of her every day. Of course, I try not to dwell on her, but she still makes it into my thoughts regularly and even months later, she appears in my dreams. So every day, I regret what I did and wish I could make it up to her. She needs not punish me because I am doing it to myself every day.
Just seeing that box set off a tidal wave of emotion that I had held to just a low throbbing for so long and turned it into a fresh heart break. I hate knowing I had the woman I wanted to marry and it is my fault I lost her and created a woman who loathes me instead. To have sent it back, sans any sort of note, was a bad sign and meant to hurt. I have only myself to blame of course regardless of how my friends try to tell me it isn't just my fault. I wish I could take back what I did or go back and make just one or two decisions differently. I could have stopped this beforehand. I ruined a relationship with this woman I wanted to be my wife, a person that was my best friend, and the first woman I saw as my soulmate and someone I would have a family with someday. Yesterday I was feeling like I was dying on the inside. If I had not been surrounded by people yesterday, I don't know if I could have held it together. In fact, the only thing that kept me holding it together was not wanting to show others how heartbroken I was.
But I was too late getting my act together and hurt her. Now that my "act" is more together, sure, I'm proud of what I have done for myself, but there is a part of me that feels it is empty without her. I had thought maybe, just maybe, up until yesterday there was a silly hope inside me that it was possible to reconnect with her. I was feeling good about myself. Feeling as if I was prepared to do it, that I had a window of opportunity to do so. I even felt, in my heart, that given the chance, she would have been happy with the results. New year and all that jazz.
So, what to do? I will probably just drop off the gift again and a note and let that be it. Maybe try that phone call someday again. I don't know. I wish I could stop thinking about her, especially not every single day.