Fic: Damnit, Albert
Title: Damnit, Albert
Rating: PG-13 for cursing
Pairings: None
Author: Me!
Disclaimer: This is not real and is only intended as entertainment, nothing more. I'm broke, so please don't sue
Summary: Albert Hammond, Jr is a terrible influence on children.
Notes: I know "Damnit" should probably be spelled as "Dammit", but no, I refuse. It looks weird. Oh, and this was supposed to be Julian and Nikolai, but I have yet to have Albert in any of my stories (including one that should go up later today), so I changed it around. The tone of the dialogue sounds more like Albert, anyway.
Oh, and idea came out from reading Nikolai's marathon tweets. If you're confused, go here and become enlightened. Finally, this fic is kind of cracky.
“You. Are. A. Beast.”
I open my eyes and blearily look up into large puppy dog eyes that are twinkling with amusement.
“…What?”
“You, fucker. 20 miles in a fucking day? Jesus Christ.”
“…Albert. Elysia.”
A flicker into the den to his left and those same eyes are looking back at me expressing fake sorrow.
“Oops, I forgot. I'm sorry.”
I push myself up from where I was lying spread eagle on the floor, still in my running clothes, and sit up to cross my legs. As I tuck a few strands of my hair behind my right ear, two questions are running through my mind. No, wait, three. One, where’s Illy? Two, how did Albert get into my house? And three, why the hell am I on the floor?
“Albert, did something happen, or…?”
He sits back from where he was crouching over me and gives him that trademark wry grin of his. “No, man. You asked me to come over earlier to visit and watch Ely and Phoenix with you, but Illy has Phoenix, so I don't know why you included him in the equation.”
I feel my left eye twitching.
“Niko, your eye is twitching.”
“Thank you, Al.”
“No problem, but anyway, you went running and then you told me your legs felt like they were on hallucinogens and shi--”
“Albert.”
“Uh, ‘shite’ and I laughed at that -- please stop glaring at me. Then you said you were going to take a nap in the middle of your living room floor for a few minutes and asked me to watch Ely for a minute or two…But it ended up being like, an hour...”
My eyes widen to almost comic proportions as I yell, “Whoa, wait. An hour!” Albert nods sagely and continues, “Yup. An hour. Ely and I had a tea party while you were out. Those imaginary cookies were the shit, man.”
“Albert!”
He winces and rubs a hand on the nape of his neck. “Ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
I wave it off and unsteadily get to my feet. Albert grabs the crook of my left elbow and helps me to stand. An embarrassed grin makes its way onto my face, “Man, I didn’t expect this. I have been training for so long…” He grins back and says, “Yeah, but 20 fucking miles?”
I sigh. “Can you please stop with the cursing and the mouth?”
My slightly rude request is met with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “You know, I don’t understand why you’re freaking out so much over a curse word. It’s not that bad.”
I quickly turn my head, look him straight in the eye, and stage whisper, “Oh, it’s not that bad until your child’s teacher calls you up asking why your kid refers to her play-do as ‘some crazy shit.’”
Albert guffaws and I gently push him away to let him roll around in his amusement at my expense. I walk over to my little one and drop a kiss on her head as she works away at creating…something in her easy-bake oven.
“Daddy?” she says turning wide blue eyes onto me. I crouch down to give her my full attention and Albert’s laughing quiets down to near silence as she asks cutely, eyes squinting, “Do you want a chocolate cookie? It’s good shit!”
My eyes squeeze shut and my chin hits my chest as Albert hits the floor, and I wonder just how the hell I’m going to explain this to her mother, her teacher, and possibly her grandparents.
Damnit, Albert.
---
Comments? Tomatoes? Have at it.
Rating: PG-13 for cursing
Pairings: None
Author: Me!
Disclaimer: This is not real and is only intended as entertainment, nothing more. I'm broke, so please don't sue
Summary: Albert Hammond, Jr is a terrible influence on children.
Notes: I know "Damnit" should probably be spelled as "Dammit", but no, I refuse. It looks weird. Oh, and this was supposed to be Julian and Nikolai, but I have yet to have Albert in any of my stories (including one that should go up later today), so I changed it around. The tone of the dialogue sounds more like Albert, anyway.
Oh, and idea came out from reading Nikolai's marathon tweets. If you're confused, go here and become enlightened. Finally, this fic is kind of cracky.
“You. Are. A. Beast.”
I open my eyes and blearily look up into large puppy dog eyes that are twinkling with amusement.
“…What?”
“You, fucker. 20 miles in a fucking day? Jesus Christ.”
“…Albert. Elysia.”
A flicker into the den to his left and those same eyes are looking back at me expressing fake sorrow.
“Oops, I forgot. I'm sorry.”
I push myself up from where I was lying spread eagle on the floor, still in my running clothes, and sit up to cross my legs. As I tuck a few strands of my hair behind my right ear, two questions are running through my mind. No, wait, three. One, where’s Illy? Two, how did Albert get into my house? And three, why the hell am I on the floor?
“Albert, did something happen, or…?”
He sits back from where he was crouching over me and gives him that trademark wry grin of his. “No, man. You asked me to come over earlier to visit and watch Ely and Phoenix with you, but Illy has Phoenix, so I don't know why you included him in the equation.”
I feel my left eye twitching.
“Niko, your eye is twitching.”
“Thank you, Al.”
“No problem, but anyway, you went running and then you told me your legs felt like they were on hallucinogens and shi--”
“Albert.”
“Uh, ‘shite’ and I laughed at that -- please stop glaring at me. Then you said you were going to take a nap in the middle of your living room floor for a few minutes and asked me to watch Ely for a minute or two…But it ended up being like, an hour...”
My eyes widen to almost comic proportions as I yell, “Whoa, wait. An hour!” Albert nods sagely and continues, “Yup. An hour. Ely and I had a tea party while you were out. Those imaginary cookies were the shit, man.”
“Albert!”
He winces and rubs a hand on the nape of his neck. “Ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
I wave it off and unsteadily get to my feet. Albert grabs the crook of my left elbow and helps me to stand. An embarrassed grin makes its way onto my face, “Man, I didn’t expect this. I have been training for so long…” He grins back and says, “Yeah, but 20 fucking miles?”
I sigh. “Can you please stop with the cursing and the mouth?”
My slightly rude request is met with a dramatic roll of the eyes. “You know, I don’t understand why you’re freaking out so much over a curse word. It’s not that bad.”
I quickly turn my head, look him straight in the eye, and stage whisper, “Oh, it’s not that bad until your child’s teacher calls you up asking why your kid refers to her play-do as ‘some crazy shit.’”
Albert guffaws and I gently push him away to let him roll around in his amusement at my expense. I walk over to my little one and drop a kiss on her head as she works away at creating…something in her easy-bake oven.
“Daddy?” she says turning wide blue eyes onto me. I crouch down to give her my full attention and Albert’s laughing quiets down to near silence as she asks cutely, eyes squinting, “Do you want a chocolate cookie? It’s good shit!”
My eyes squeeze shut and my chin hits my chest as Albert hits the floor, and I wonder just how the hell I’m going to explain this to her mother, her teacher, and possibly her grandparents.
Damnit, Albert.
---
Comments? Tomatoes? Have at it.