Almost 3am, why the hell am I not asleep
I have been awake almost 24 hours now, and I'd really like to know why. What's wrong with me? I should be sound asleep, but instead here I am laying alone in bed listening to Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park and reading stories that make my pulse quicken and my breath shorten. I know I haven't posted a story in ages, but I am working on one I swear. It's just a challenge when you have a million people looking over your shoulder wanting to know what you are writing. Ha if only they knew, I'd be locked up in the local loony bin. And that is not something I want or need right now. I guess I'm hoping that coming here and venting everything that is splashing around in this dark and twisted mind of mine will help so I can sleep. Clear the conscious if you will, air out the demons and maybe then I'll fall into dreamless sleep even for a few hours. Cause let's face it when I've been in dreamland lately it's been filled with people from my past. People I at one time or another had a romantic interest in... This I know is because the wedding is 65 days away and everything is still a mess! I feel like I'm just drifting in a boat with no paddle to move in the middle of a lake. I can't breath whenever I look at the list of stuff that still needs to be done. For some reason part of me is screaming that this isn't where I wanted to be at 26. At 26 I am supposed to have an amazing job and has seen the world. Not be still working on a degree and being forced to live a home because we can't afford to live on our own. home that's another bag of pains in it's self. I now know that it is being in this house with my family is what lead to my self destructive behavior before. Being away from them and being able to live my life unquestioned and unrestricted helped heal a small part of needing to hurt... But like so much before that small healed part is now a gaping wound again. Goddess, I need to get out of this house. I know no one reads these anymore and I am alone on here, mostly because if anyone in my real world life knew about this site I'd be up to my neck in more problems than I need.
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