It's all I've ever wanted, truly. It's all I've ever needed. Everything else is something I wanted because it would lead me there. And yes, I am impatient! Because I tried to be patient, and I'm tired of having to be more patient than everyone else, all the time. It's trying. It's hard.
And maybe alchemy is supposed to be a trial, maybe it's supposed to be hard, but when do I get there? When can I finally, finally get there... It hurts to see everyone else doing it when I'm not... I'm a broken, incomplete, messed-up person who just isn't capable of getting there at the end of a course of study that's meant to get me there and that's gotten everyone else there.
Sometimes I feel like I want it more, and I've sacrificed more and paid more, than anyone else here. I know that's probably not true; I know everyone wants it and everyone's made sacrifices; but I think I want it at least as badly and I've given at least as much. So why... when? Why must I wait? When is it my turn? What about me?
I don't know, Vayne, you're a Mana, you're supposed to help your alchemists achieve transcendence... don't you have any words of advice, or wisdom, or... or anything? How am I looking at this wrong? How should I approach this to get beyond this stumbling-block?
I don't know, maybe if holding you would make me absorb some of your perfection... I'm desperate; I'll literally just do that if it'll work.
I feel ridiculous... I don't even care at this point... Would it even be fair of me to wish it? It wouldn't be me doing it out of my own ability, but somehow, this time, I don't care about that. The reason I want so badly to prove that my ability is good is so that I can prove that I can do this. So that I can have hope. So that I can think that maybe I too can feel like I've gotten somewhere, like things are really beginning to come together... like I can really transcend.
I just want to transcend. Now. Not later. I want it! I don't even care if it's me who's done it! I just want it!
I just want it, Vayne. I want, so badly. It's what I've always wanted and what I still want, here and now, and always and forever, it's my dearest wish, it's... Please, Vayne... I'm begging you. I just want it so much...
And maybe alchemy is supposed to be a trial, maybe it's supposed to be hard, but when do I get there? When can I finally, finally get there... It hurts to see everyone else doing it when I'm not... I'm a broken, incomplete, messed-up person who just isn't capable of getting there at the end of a course of study that's meant to get me there and that's gotten everyone else there.
Sometimes I feel like I want it more, and I've sacrificed more and paid more, than anyone else here. I know that's probably not true; I know everyone wants it and everyone's made sacrifices; but I think I want it at least as badly and I've given at least as much. So why... when? Why must I wait? When is it my turn? What about me?
I don't know, Vayne, you're a Mana, you're supposed to help your alchemists achieve transcendence... don't you have any words of advice, or wisdom, or... or anything? How am I looking at this wrong? How should I approach this to get beyond this stumbling-block?
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All I can offer is me.... If you want to hold me, or... something....
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I feel ridiculous... I don't even care at this point... Would it even be fair of me to wish it? It wouldn't be me doing it out of my own ability, but somehow, this time, I don't care about that. The reason I want so badly to prove that my ability is good is so that I can prove that I can do this. So that I can have hope. So that I can think that maybe I too can feel like I've gotten somewhere, like things are really beginning to come together... like I can really transcend.
I just want to transcend. Now. Not later. I want it! I don't even care if it's me who's done it! I just want it!
I just want it, Vayne. I want, so badly. It's what I've always wanted and what I still want, here and now, and always and forever, it's my dearest wish, it's... Please, Vayne... I'm begging you. I just want it so much...
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Just hold me. Just hold me, and feel it from me....
And feel this pain no longer....
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