(no subject)
I'm seriously contemplating breaking up with David. It's weighing heavily on my mind, and right now.. I think there's more of a chance that I'll do it than there is that I won't. What he said last night was wrong. A drunk man speaks a sober man's mind. And if that's the way his heart really feels.. I can't continue this relationship knowing what he told me last night. That hurt me bad. I love him.. I do.. and that's why it's going to be really hard, but I can't dwell on it anymore. I'm chicken shit, also.
My philosophy? Stick it out just incase it gets better. That's what I've done all of my life... I keep myself admist the pain just because I think it will get better, and that's what I've been doing since David graduated in November. I can't do it anymore. I'm just scared of making the wrong decision. I don't want to do it, but I know that it might be best for ME... and my mental state.
I told my mom about it.. and it was so hard to tell her the words that came out of his mouth because I wanted to cry so bad.. Eventually, I was able to tell her.. and she cried, too.. and reassured me that my feelings about it weren't selfish. She only reinstated everything I already knew... which is what she always does, but then I know my feelings/actions aren't blown out of proportion, and it makes me feel better.
She told me I should consider Brandon.. "even though he's not the best thing since sliced bread" is what she said. She said he's local.. she likes him.. she knows how happy he made me when David and I were separated. I don't know..
Brandon and I got some alone time last night.. to just talk. While I always knew it might be the case.. and I tried to fish it out of him many of times.. it never worked. And he finally came out and stated exactly what he's been wanting between us.. and that he respects the fact that I'm with David, and enjoys just being my friend as well. He treated me really different in front of his buddies last night. Sometimes he's kinda' distant.. but last night he kept asking why I was being distant, and kept hugging me and kissing my forehead. He finally wanted me to meet his dad, too.
We'll see what happens... but I know I can't take this with David anymore. I have to accept that he's not the same person, even though he had those same feelings about Candace being alive before he left for basic... he's not fully the same person that I love.