(no subject)
Blah...lifes poop...
Yesterday I went out with Amanda and James...Mike met us at Pizza Hut...and we went and played minature golf...fun..fun...
Amanda- Sorry I didn't come back out last night, but the reason I said no to coming out with you guys is because when you and James left Jimmy brought up me being on C's in front of Mike...and since he didn't know and I lied to him about it he freaked...he went over to drop me off at GE to meet you guys because he was so pissed...but I didn't want to let him alone because I know I fucked up and I didn't want him to do that to...just to get back at me...that would have killed me to know I was the reason he did H again...so I saw you guys at GE and I was going to call out for you guys but I didn't want him to get pissed and just leave me there...so I went to his house and talked to him a little bit...thats why when you called I said I was watching a movie and couldn't come out...I was just completely struck by what just happened...and I mean I love Mike with all muh heart and I would never forgive myself if he went back to that shit because I lied to him about something I did and that I had a problem with...I know he would have told me if he did H...because he wouldn't have been able to live with himself...but somehow I can...I don't want him to know things and its because I know he will get mad...but with you guys (old crew in general) I know you guys would be there no matter what...and thats why I think sometimes I don't love Mike as much as I love you guys because I am afraid and I need someone to understand me...he is to controlling over me...and I mean yes I control him to but thats only because I look at what is best for him...Heroin is not worth his old friendships and thats what I am trying to show him...but now he gives me choices of who to hang out with...or what to do...and blah blah blah...I mean I don't think C's are that bad compared to Heroin...but I know that they aren't worth doing again...I mean I keep saying I will never do them again but I do them again because I feel so lonely...I mean that always helps bring back memories of the old times...just slip away into a moment of complete extasy...and its great..but at the MSI concert I realized I need to not do C's because I want the old times back...I need to go and freakin get them back...if I want all your friendships back then I have to make it happen...not some drug...I mean I regret doing them because I missed a perfect chance to talk to some people that I haven't seen in forever or for that fact I might not see ever again...and who knows I could have maybe made a few friends if I wasn't all fucked up sitting in the corner being depressed...so heres what it all comes down to...I need you and I need everyone else back in my life..I am so depressed now because everything that helped me with my Gramma is now gone...I mean I know I can always call you if I need someone to talk to, but something holds me back and I need to stop holding back and just do it. I love you Amanda and we really do need to continue our convo that we started yesterday...maybe 2morrow...I don't have work...so I could maybe meet you down there.
Well Ta Ta 4 now...
Yesterday I went out with Amanda and James...Mike met us at Pizza Hut...and we went and played minature golf...fun..fun...
Amanda- Sorry I didn't come back out last night, but the reason I said no to coming out with you guys is because when you and James left Jimmy brought up me being on C's in front of Mike...and since he didn't know and I lied to him about it he freaked...he went over to drop me off at GE to meet you guys because he was so pissed...but I didn't want to let him alone because I know I fucked up and I didn't want him to do that to...just to get back at me...that would have killed me to know I was the reason he did H again...so I saw you guys at GE and I was going to call out for you guys but I didn't want him to get pissed and just leave me there...so I went to his house and talked to him a little bit...thats why when you called I said I was watching a movie and couldn't come out...I was just completely struck by what just happened...and I mean I love Mike with all muh heart and I would never forgive myself if he went back to that shit because I lied to him about something I did and that I had a problem with...I know he would have told me if he did H...because he wouldn't have been able to live with himself...but somehow I can...I don't want him to know things and its because I know he will get mad...but with you guys (old crew in general) I know you guys would be there no matter what...and thats why I think sometimes I don't love Mike as much as I love you guys because I am afraid and I need someone to understand me...he is to controlling over me...and I mean yes I control him to but thats only because I look at what is best for him...Heroin is not worth his old friendships and thats what I am trying to show him...but now he gives me choices of who to hang out with...or what to do...and blah blah blah...I mean I don't think C's are that bad compared to Heroin...but I know that they aren't worth doing again...I mean I keep saying I will never do them again but I do them again because I feel so lonely...I mean that always helps bring back memories of the old times...just slip away into a moment of complete extasy...and its great..but at the MSI concert I realized I need to not do C's because I want the old times back...I need to go and freakin get them back...if I want all your friendships back then I have to make it happen...not some drug...I mean I regret doing them because I missed a perfect chance to talk to some people that I haven't seen in forever or for that fact I might not see ever again...and who knows I could have maybe made a few friends if I wasn't all fucked up sitting in the corner being depressed...so heres what it all comes down to...I need you and I need everyone else back in my life..I am so depressed now because everything that helped me with my Gramma is now gone...I mean I know I can always call you if I need someone to talk to, but something holds me back and I need to stop holding back and just do it. I love you Amanda and we really do need to continue our convo that we started yesterday...maybe 2morrow...I don't have work...so I could maybe meet you down there.
Well Ta Ta 4 now...