Fic: Don’t Bet Your Future On One Hit From the Bong (JA/JP) NC-17
This is for the incomparable wendy on the occasion of her birthday, which actually isn't for a few days yet, BUT since I will be absent this weekend, it's getting posted now.
Wendy, I love you more than Jensen loves Jared, and this is aaaall for you! You hussy enabler. *kisses*
Title: Don’t Bet Your Future On One Hit From the Bong
Author: keepaofthecheez
Characters: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6, 843
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. If I did, they would probably be sorry.
Summary: Jensen uses the Impala to go back in time to save Jared from the heinous bitchery of Alexis Bledel.
Notes/Warnings: This is CRACK. Abandon any and all illusions of reality before reading. Also, huge thanks to __tiana__ and merepersiflage for taking this monster on to beta. And catching my million typos. *smooches*
Jensen had never really been one to live by the whole “if you build it, they will come” philosophy. His motto could be traced back to a conversation with his grandfather back during Jensen’s first year of high school. “You gotta look out for number one, Jenny boy." Jensen had never really had a problem doing so. Until recently.
As if he knew exactly what Jensen was thinking, Jared glanced over and caught his gaze, a frown on his lips. “I know what you’re thinking,” his friend slurred, tapping his temple and nearly soaking himself with the drink in his hand. “But I’m totally fine, Jensen.”
Jensen was more than a little skeptical. But he was a good friend, so all he said was, “Yeah, I know.” He reached over and gently plucked the glass out of Jared’s hand anyway. “Thirsty.”
Jared sighed, dropping his head onto his fist. “What the fuck am I doing, Jensen?” His best friend’s voice quavered. “Why the fuck do I let her get to me like this?”
Jensen stared across the room to where Alexis was holding court and sending dark looks in their general direction. Because you’re a good person, Jay, and she’s a heinous bitch. Out loud he said, “Because you used to care about her, man. That doesn’t just…go away.”
Jensen would know. He’d been suffering for precisely eleven months, ever since he’d first heard the words “Hi there, I’m Jared”. His feelings weren’t going away anytime soon, either.
“I’m an idiot,” Jared muttered, reaching over blindly for the nearest glass. He tossed it back, barely flinching as the vodka slid down his throat. “I have Sandy. It’s not like I need fucking Alexis Bledel’s blessing.”
Jensen tried not to let the reminder of Jared’s steady girlfriend burn like the bitch it was. “Yeah,” he answered, draining the remainder of whatever the hell had been in Jared’s drink.
You gotta look out for number one, Jenny boy.
He straightened, unable to meet Jared’s eyes as he added, “Look. I’m gonna go…I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah. Sure.” Jared barely seemed to realize he was leaving, too busy glaring daggers at Alexis and brooding into his glass. Then, “Hey, Jensen? Drive safe.”
Jensen sighed. “Yeah. Sure.”
***
“Time travel? Are you serious?”
Jensen snorted at the obvious excitement coloring Jared’s voice and continued to flip through his script.
Sam and Dean were up for a real challenge this episode; a hex by a voodoo priestess would turn the Impala into a time machine a la the DeLorean from Back to the Future, and apparently Eric had hunted up an honest-to-God priestess from New Orleans to come up with some curses that would send individuals tearing through the space/time continuim.
He could hear Jared saying, “That is so cool” as he scanned dialogue and caught the predictable throwback lines to the Steven Spielberg classic.
Several hours later, he was still thinking on it as he stepped out of his trailer to come face-to-face with Jared leaving his. Jared tilted his head in greeting, cell phone pressed to his ear, and Jensen managed a smile as his friend winked and took off for the parking lot.
His eyes caught on the four pristine Chevys parked in a row on the backlot. A quick glance around showed that no one was really looking, and after all, he still had the keyset from the last reel. Maybe a joyride in the Impala was just what he needed to shake off this fucked up feeling that had been haunting him all day.
He was sliding behind the wheel when a fist pounded on the passenger side window. Jensen jumped, then glared when Jared’s grinning face came into view. “Dude,” he said as Jensen rolled down the window. “Grand theft auto?”
“Just…borrowing it for a bit,” Jensen muttered lamely. “Not gonna mess it up any.”
Jared snorted. “Let me in.”
***
“Dude, no way. Obi Wan Kenobi could so kick Han Solo’s ass.”
“You’re totally full of it,” Jared answered, all but falling off of the couch to shove his finger in Jensen’s face. “Full. Of. It. Nothing could beat Han, because one. Ain’t nothin’ gonna catch him with the Falcon. And two, he’s got an attack dog the size of Bigfoot.”
“Obi Wan has the Force, jackass.” But Jensen had to agree about the Chewbacca thing.
They were starting on episode IV and planned to watch the entire original trilogy through, or pass out drunk. Whichever one happened first. And Jensen was pretty damn sure which one Jared was going for, as he eyed his friend popping the top of his sixth - or seventh? - can of beer.
Impala # 3 was parked safe and sound in his driveway, and hopefully wouldn’t be missed until sometime late in the morning after they’d stolen on set and put it back. Otherwise, well, what were they gonna do? Fire them both?
“I think I totally fucked up, man.” Jared’s solemn tone broke him out of his thoughts, and he glanced over to see his friend staring up at the ceiling. “Sandy…she’s talking weird, dude. Shit about kids and a family. I’m like, I’m twenty-four, you know? Definitely not ready for that shit, but she’s ready to settle down and well, hell, Jen…”
Jensen felt simultaneous flashes of fear and relief. “She hinting at marriage?”
Jared shifted onto his side to meet Jensen’s eyes. “See, that’s the thing. She’s real careful not to mention it. She knows about the whole thing with Alexis-”
Jensen’s fists clenched. Jared’s ex-girlfriend had dropped him on his ass for some idiotic newcomer to the show, and the two had been engaged two weeks later. Jared had apparently sworn off marriage altogether, which Jensen thought was pretty lame, except for the fact where it left Jared single for the rest of his life. And made it a possibility that one day he could actually do something about the way he felt.
Assuming he was a different person and Jared was, too, and they weren’t co-starring on a television show about brothers for chrissake.
“Dude, you have got to get over the thing with Alexis. She’s not even worth it.” He tossed back some beer, hoping Jared didn’t catch the razor’s edge in his tone. A horrible thought suddenly entered his mind. “I mean, unless, you…want her back or something?”
Jared’s face filled with outrage. “Fuck no! I just want her to stop trying to blackball me everywhere and talking shit to everyone we know!”
“Bitch,” Jensen agreed, raising his can in a toast to the heinous bitchery that was Alexis Bledel. “But dude, no one listens to her. Everyone loves you.”
“Hmph,” was all Jared said. “Well, Chad’s not helping.”
Jared’s other best friend was currently playing “He said, she said” with Alexis and it was doing more damage than good, but Jared didn’t quite have the heart to tell the guy to shut the fuck up. Jensen wouldn’t have minded, only his words to Chad would’ve been more along the lines of “Worry about your own fucked up life first, dude”.
Lips loosened by the alcohol, Jensen sighed, “Chad’s a moron.”
“Yeah.” Jared snuffled. “But he loves me.”
“Maybe he’ll marry you,” Jensen cracked, then immediately felt like an ass. Until a moment later, when Jared burst out laughing.
“God, I’d have to be so high. I don’t remember anything when I’m wasted. In fact, I ain’t even gonna remember telling you this in the morning. That’s why drugs - and alcohol - are baaaad...”
Jensen snorted, and looked over to find Jared passed out and drooling on himself. “Well, that didn’t take long.”
***
This was so stupid.
He’d obviously drank too much. It was the only reasonable explanation as to why he was standing outside, a printed copy of voodoo spells and hexes rolled in his hand as he stared at the Impala.
Then again, wasn’t Eric’s whole deal that they wanted to explore shit that could really happen? He’d hunted down Madam Whateverthefuck, so there had to be something to it. Right?
“You are now high enough to marry Chad Michael Murray,” Jensen muttered, disgusted at himself and whatever notion had moved him to even think about trying this. “What, gonna go back in time, Jen? Save Jared from a 5’7” Texas girl with an attitude problem? What the hell did he ever see in her, anyway? She’s from Houston…she’s a fucking Rockets fan. And now I’m talking to myself. Great.”
He should go back inside. Wake Jared up, move him to the guest bed. Spend the rest of the night jerking off not thinking about Jared and then wake up and do it all over again.
Instead, he was gonna try to turn the Impala into a time machine.
Yep.
Which is why he found himself, fifteen minutes later, cursing a blue streak and squinting at the words on the paper as he drew symbols in baby oil across the dashboard and wished he’d remembered to grab a flashlight beforehand.
According to the site he’d dug up, these kinds of spells only lasted so long, so he had to be back inside the Impala or else he’d turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Or something. God, he was so drunk. And possibly insane.
He read the words off the page, stumbling a bit over the patois, and waited for something to happen. A dog barked somewhere, and it was very anticlimactic. Then he remembered he hadn’t actually said when he wanted to go back, so he probably needed to fix that.
“Um, yeah, so…I’ll take a few years before he meets that biatch, I mean, Alexis. Not picky. Er, please?”
He remembered thinking how odd it was that he had the spins when he hadn’t really had enough to warrant it, when he realized it was actually the car moving. And before he could get out a much needed “oh, crap” he was jerked forward and knocked himself out on the steering wheel.
***
Jensen blinked, sitting up and wincing at the knife through his skull, sun pouring through the windshield and warming the Impala’s interior. For a moment, he wondered if he’d fallen asleep on set, but as he looked out and caught sight of the surroundings…he knew he wasn’t in Vancouver.
For one, he was parked in front of a building with the sign James Madison High School, San Antonio.
His eyes traveled across the campus, toward a small picnic bench beneath a huge oak tree where several students were milling around and goofing off. One in particular stood a good few inches over the rest, shaggy brown hair and twinkling eyes Jensen could make out from yards away.
“Oh, fuck me.”
This was so, so wrong. Aside from the fact that his asinine plan of time travel had apparently worked, he’d gone back to when Jared was apparently still in high school.
He got out of the car with shaking legs, overhearing one of the guys yell, “Later, Padalecki!” as he sauntered off, the others following and leaving Jared behind. His friend plopped onto the ground, back against the tree trunk and hair in his eyes as he bent over something in his lap.
As he got closer and Jared lifted his head again, Jensen caught a familiar whiff of smoke and was torn between outrage and amusement. So, Mr. Just Say No was a stoner? Yeah, this was gonna be fun.
Jared was watching him now, looking cool and collected, features flushed and youthful in contrast with the ripening muscle in his arms and legs shown off by a t-shirt and cargo shorts. His lips curved into a smirk as Jensen got closer.
“You look familiar,” was all he said, and Jensen’s heart flipped a little in his chest.
“Jared Padalecki?”
Jared’s expression grew thoughtful. “Aw, fuck, you’re not like a TA are you? Because there ain’t nothin’ to see here, boss.”
Jensen debated for several long moments about how this moment could go. Then again, it was Jared, so direct and sincere was probably the best route to take. “Actually, I’m a friend. From the future.” As soon as he heard both his words and the melodramatic tone he’d given them in, he wanted to smack himself in the head.
“Yeah, I saw that movie, Marty McFly,” Jared drawled, lazing back against the tree like he hadn’t a care in the world and like some random stranger hadn’t just approached him to say he’d come back in time to help save him from his future girlfriend. Who was a heinous bitch. Not that he’d mentioned that part yet, of course.
Jensen wasn’t sure if he was proud of Jared, or wanted to strangle him.
“Yeah,” he bit off instead. “Listen, I know it sounds crazy…”
“Dude, so do the Spurs ever get their shit together and win a championship?” Jared asked, sitting up a little straighter and eyeing Jensen with a keen expression.
Jensen blinked, mouth still hanging open and forming his next words. He swallowed them down, refusing to give into the urge to rub his forehead, wondering why he was surprised exactly that Jared Padalecki would be more interested in basketball stats than the fact that his best friend had traveled back in time. “Um. Actually, they do.”
“Sweet!” Jared rubbed his hands together, the picture of unholy glee. “I told Sean, that bastard. Fucking going on and on and on about the goddamn Mavs. I mean, seriously, right?”
Jensen’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I’m from Dallas.”
“Oh.” And then Jensen was on the receiving end of that blinding white smile and felt everything inside him go hot and lax. “Oops.”
Jensen cleared his throat and looked away. “Can we get back to the reason why I’m here?” And if his voice was a little choked and gruff, well, it’s not like Jared would notice. He never had.
“Right, right. Okay, so, you’re totally insane. I get it. What, you need money or something? For treatments? For drugs?” Jared’s voice dropped on that last word and he leaned forward. “Because, like. You really need help man. But I’m not sure ‘smoking herb’” - he quoted with two fingers - “is really doing anything for your personality. You seem a little twitchy.”
Jensen’s mouth flattened. “I don’t smoke pot, Jared.”
“Well, hell. You’re missing out.”
Jensen must’ve made a pretty impressive face, because Jared actually made the motions of zipping his lips and throwing away the key, and Jensen wondered when the hell he’d been dropped back into elementary school. A quick glance at the building behind him had him wincing.
Or high school.
Seeing that he now had Jared’s full attention, and wanting to get on with it before Jared started talking again, he quickly said the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m Jensen Ackles. I’m here to rescue you.”
Watching Star Wars before traveling back in time was a bad idea.
***
Two hours later, he thought he might’ve finally made some progress.
“So, what you’re saying is. You’re from the future.”
Jensen sighed. “Yes.”
“And you’re here to rescue me,” Jared continued in a doubtful if interested tone, “from…what? My physics exam? Because that would be so awesome, man. I don’t even really know how I ended up taking physics, and now I have to take an exam for it? I mean, how is that fair?”
“Jared-”
“And like. Physics is so dumb. Who cares about the acceleration of a car compared to that of gravity? All you need to know is drive the speed limit, yo. And don’t run into buildings. Or hit little old ladies crossing the street. People think too much.”
“Jared-” he tried again, a little harder.
“Oh, sorry man. Were you saying something?” Jared paused all of two seconds before adding, “So, are you totally homeless? Because I saw this documentary about homeless people and drug addictions, and dude, I gotta say. You look damn good for a homeless guy.”
“I do?” Jensen straightened, a smile starting to curve the edges of his mouth, and then, “Dude, I’m not homeless!”
“Then mind hooking me up with whatever the hell you’ve been smokin’?” Jared grinned again, giving that same aw, shucks shrug that had everyone on-set doing every damn thing he wanted. Jensen was by no means immune.
“I don’t do drugs,” Jensen reiterated slowly. “And neither should you. For chrissake.”
“Wow, okay mom,” Jared laughed, holding his hands up and looking at Jensen like he was the biggest dork, if not the hottest, in San Antonio. And how the hell had he not known teenage Jared was an apparent dope-head? The Jared he knew was so anti-drugs that the idea was laughable. “Fine. Fine, I can score my own.”
“Okay, you know what?” Jensen reached down and took Jared by the arm. He was only a little taken aback when Jared came to his feet, staring down at Jared with quirked brows and goddamn it, Jared was still taller than he was! “What the hell do you eat?”
“Oh, dude. Speaking of. I could totally go for a burrito.” Jared looked delighted. “Wanna come? You can tell me all about that LSD trip where the Spurs won the championship.”
“It wasn’t LSD, it was pot.” Jensen squeezed his eyes shut. “Damn it!”
Jared clapped his back, expression sympathetic. “Hey, that’s the first step, man. Admitting you have a problem. Now, we just gotta find you a job and some clothes and-”
“What the hell’s wrong with my clothes?” Jensen dug his heels in and wondered when he’d lost the upper hand.
Jared just snorted, dragging Jensen along as he headed across the field and toward the parking lot. “Who the hell wears sweater-vests?” he countered.
Jensen half considered using a wrestling move he and his brother had perfected back in the day - “You’re going to sleep now…” - but Jared was already coming to a stop; Jensen slammed into his back and was a little irritated that the gigantic beanpole barely flinched.
“Dude. I just had the scariest thought.” Jared sounded anything but scared. “Are you, like. A reporter? Is this all about that Teen Choice thing?”
“What? No!” A reporter, for God’s sake. Jensen’s mortification was finally complete. “I already told you. I’m-”
“A sophisticated sex robot sent back through time?” Jared laughed like it was the most hysterical thing he’d ever heard.
Jensen was starting to get a little suspicious. “Jared. Are you already high right now?”
“Not likely, dude. Since you’re being a stingy bitch with your drugs and all.”
Jensen really couldn’t take this anymore. “Alexis Bledel is evil, okay! You need to stay away from her, don’t date her, and definitely don’t give a rat’s ass about what she thinks. Ever. Okay? My work here is done.”
But instead of turning around and walking away from Jared, or this psychotic drug-obsessed version of Jared, he just stood there. Waiting. Fuck, he was so dick-whipped and wasn’t even getting whipped with the dick in question.
Jared blinked long lashes. “Alexis Ble-whozit?”
Okay, maybe he could work a different track here. “Rory Gilmore,” he stated flatly. Jared continued to stare at him like he’d lost his mind, and seriously, what? This got more of a reaction than “By the way, I’m from six years in the future!”?
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Do you watch television?”
“Duh,” Jared sang. “I like daytime, though. Those bitches are crazy! There’s this one where, like, some chick got possessed by the devil only there was no pea soup, which was kinda lame. Oh, but then this new guy’s on there and hey, you kinda look like him. Except he’s not homeless. Or addicted to cocaine.” There was a beat. “I don’t think.”
Jensen let that one slide in favor of, “What the fuck? You watch Days of Our Lives?”
Okay, he’d been wrong. Now his complete and utter ruin was complete.
“Yeah, that’s the one. Hey, what’d you say your name was again?” Now Jared was staring at him with the first signs of nervousness Jensen had seen all day.
“Jensen Ackles.” He waited for the recognition to hit. When it did, Jared turned a little green.
“No fucking way...how is this even possible?”
Jensen had explained how it was possible three times already. “Okay, well, five years from now? We work together. On a show called Supernatural.”
***
“So, what you’re saying is, you’re really from the future?”
Jensen lounged across Jared’s bed and tried not to scream. “Yes, Jared. I am. From. The future.”
Jared was hanging half off the mattres and staring at Jensen like he'd never seen him before. Which wasn't too ironic, given the fact that, well, he really hadn't ever before. Except for apparently on a soap opera that would forever continue to haunt Jensen. "And you're here to warn me not to date some diva bitch on a WB show?"
Not exactly the words Jensen had…oh, what the hell. “Yeah.”
“Because we’re best friends. In the future.” Jared scooted closer. “Dude, you don’t even have to worry.”
“I don’t?” Jensen was steadily ignoring the fact that Jared was practically hanging onto him now, and cursed himself when he looked up and found those familiar lips inches from his own. “Uh…”
“I don’t even like girls, Jensen.” And was the bastard smirking at him?
Jensen was fairly certain the choked sounds filling the air were coming from his own throat, but just to be certain, he opened his mouth and out came, “Nnghfch?” He cleared his throat and added, “Um. You’ve always acted very…”
“Ha! Acting. I still can’t fucking believe it…I mean, I always thought about it, you know? Been taking lessons since I was twelve, but I never really thought anyone would hire me. Ha! What a bunch of losers.”
Jensen could feel the thread of conversation slipping away from him again. “Jared,” he started, a tad frantically.
“So I start working right away? When do we meet? Did I ever get in your pants, because dude, homeless or not, you’re fucking hot.” Apparently catching sight of Jensen’s deer-in-the-headlights expression, he shifted and added, “Oh, am I making you uncomfortable?”
He was, but probably not the way he thought. Jensen bit the inside of his cheek and hoped like hell the tent in his jeans wasn’t too noticeable. “We, uh, we’ve never…” He waved his hands pathetically.
“Nothing?” Jared echoed the unsaid statement with an air of disappointment. And then, “Dude, what, do I turn into a complete fucking lame ass in the future?”
“We’re best friends,” Jensen feels the desperate need to point out. “And besides, you don’t even know that I like guys!”
Jared smirked. “Jensen, you’re on, were on, Days of Our Lives. Plus, you’ve been staring at my mouth for a good hour and a half.”
This had to be what dying felt like.
“Because your lips haven’t stopped flapping since I showed up!” he grumbled, not even caring that he sounded like his eighty-year old grandfather. “Jesus Christ, Jared. You…you’ve always been direct, but this is…”
“So that’s a no on telling you that I’d let you suck my dick for a dime sack?” Jared’s eyes were gleaming with mischief and something else Jensen was too scared to attach a name to. Because it probably wasn’t legal.
“This was such a bad idea,” Jensen tried to snap, but his voice was coming out all thick and hoarse and Jared was leaning toward him and why the hell wasn’t he moving? “Jared.”
“You’ve never even thought about it?”
Jensen stared at him; seeing way too much of his Jared in the solemn, anxious expression now decorating this Jared’s face. Coupled with words he’d been dying to hear since pretty much the first time they’d met, it was a little too much to handle, so he swallowed and looked away. “Doesn’t matter. You have a girlfriend.”
Jared’s mouth fell open. “I do not!” he said in an offended tone as if Jensen had just told him he had crab lice.
It was almost enough to have Jensen’s mouth lifting. “Dude, you totally do. And she’s cute and perfect and you call each other stupid pet names and…” he trailed off, feeling that recognizable lump start to form in his throat. “Anyway, you’re taken.”
“I thought you said she was the diva bitch from hell?”
“No, that’s Alexis. I’m talking about Sandy.”
“I dated more than one fucking girl?” Jared cried out in a horrified tone. “Holy fuck, thanks for nothin’ Hollywood!”
Jensen stared. “You know, you really never seemed this gay before.”
“Because apparently I turned into a fucking crackhead!” Jared was wiping at his eyes like he was trying to get rid of a frightening image. Then, “Quick, blow me, man. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now.”
“Is this some kind of joke?” Jensen demanded, starting to get a bit angry. “Did you fucking slip me something at the party last night? Am I still in fucking Vancouver, passed out in my apartment drooling on myself?”
“Dude.” Jared reached under his bed and pulled out a bong. “Chill.”
“This cannot be happening,” Jensen muttered to himself, dragging a hand down his face and peering out between his fingers as Jared hummed and packed a bowl. He could only stare, watch as Jared sucked through the pipe and giggled.
An hour later:
“Well, if we’re not gonna fuck, we gotta do something.” Jared bounced on the bed, eyes glazed and excited. “We could go cow-tipping!”
“No.” Jensen reached over and grabbed the bong, coughing and blinking rapidly. The sickly-sweet smoke was messing with his contacts, and he could only imagine how fucked out he looked. The few times he’d toked up in high school, he’d only managed a few hits before he’d been falling all over himself. Or just falling asleep. He was definitely buzzing right now, and it was all goddamn Jared’s fault.
Fucking anti-drug campaign, his ass.
“C’mon,” Jared wheedled, and his already deep voice sounded shot and husky. He leaned way too close to Jensen, head lolling on Jensen’s shoulder as he added, “You can buy me some booze or ooh, ooh! We could be gangstas and drink some 40s! And then we can make out because, seriously dude? My retarded future self sucks for not tapping that ass already.” He punctuated this statement by slapping Jensen on said ass.
“Dude.” Everything was starting to feel a little fuzzy. “No-o.” He drew the word out, squinting because he couldn’t exactly remember what he was saying no to. Maybe if he said it long enough, he would. “No.”
“You’re funny, Jensen.” And Jared was giggling again, breath hot against Jensen’s neck. A hand slid up Jensen’s thigh, and then, “Y’know. My parents aren’t here and my sister’s at dance recital.”
“Uh…”
“You have pink lips.” And then Jared was licking his mouth, bong water and stems spreading across the carpet as Jensen moaned in the back of his throat and let Jared shove him back against the mattress. “You taste like mint,” Jared added dreamily, and then. “I’m gonna sneeze.”
That was all the warning Jensen got.
***
“So, sorry about snotting all over ya,” Jared was saying, laughing, tapping the side of the Impala as Jensen blew deep breaths and struggled to keep his eyes open and focused on the traffic lights. “You’re a really good kisser.”
“Never ever say that again,” Jensen’s voice cracked, fingers clenching in the steering wheel. “Oh, my God. I’m a pedophile.”
“Dude, fuck you. I’m eighteen. It ain’t my fault you’re all repressed and shit.”
“I’m not repressed,” Jensen snapped. “I have lots of sex!”
“With women, probably.” Jared rolled his eyes. “I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I guess, but fuck man…have you ever had a dick up your ass?”
The sound that spilled from Jensen’s lips couldn’t be categorized as human.
“My point,” Jared emphasized with a wild arm flail. “Jen, man. Face it. You’re totally gay. And probably in love with me, because I am awesome even if I have sex with girls and dated some diva hell bitch. I mean, I’m awesome, right?”
Jensen cracked up. “Oh, Jesus…if you could hear yourself now. I mean, you you. Not this you. Or…whatever.” He saw Jared shift out of the corner of his eye, and pressed down on the gas as the light turned green. He could feel Jared staring at him.
“Hey, Jensen. Hey.” Something in Jared’s voice was quiet now, and Jensen stopped grinning and flashed him a quick look before staring back out at the road. “You like me, huh? I mean…future me. Whatever.”
Jensen squirmed in his seat, fighting back the heat threatening his cheeks. “You’re so wasted, Jared,” he muttered lamely. Desperately.
“I knew it!” Jared slapped the dashboard with a giant paw and guffawed. “Time-travelin’ Jensen, out to protect his wannabe boyfriend’s dignity. Oh, man, this is some shit.”
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Jensen answered. “You don’t even.”
“Yeah. Right. Dude, bit of advice? Fuck me or fuck off. You can’t sit around hiding how you really feel and then freak out and travel through time to fix my life when someone else fucks it up.”
Jensen rubbed his forehead. “I wish that hadn’t made sense.”
“Yeah, sometimes I go over people’s heads,” Jared agreed solemnly. “Mostly when I lace my weed with PCP.”
“What?”
Jared winked. “Gotcha.”
“Fucking…” Jensen’s knuckles loosened and he blew out a breath and pulled over onto the darkened road shoulder. He switched off the ignition, ignoring the way Jared straightened and turned to him expectantly. “Okay, listen.” He couldn’t quite meet Jared’s eyes when he said, “You’re right. I do like you. A lot, actually.”
“Then fuck-”
His words were soft when he continued, “It’s more than some stupid drugged-out fuck to me, okay?”
Jared stayed silent for several moments, which was really a miracle in and of itself. Jensen shut his eyes, head falling back against the seat as crickets chirped somewhere outside the window. And then, “Did you ever…think about telling me? You know, about how you felt?”
Jensen’s eyes popped open to find Jared watching him curiously. “Course I have,” he admitted. “Just did, didn’t I?”
Jared waved dismissively. “You know what I mean.”
“I can’t. You’re…different then, Jared.” His eyes traveled to the knee that was bouncing up and down on the seat and he bit back a laugh. Jared never could sit fucking still anywhere. “Okay, maybe not too different.”
“Look. All I know, I’d be crazy not to want to get with you.” And then Jared reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “You’re fucking hot, man. And you have, like, morals and shit. It’s real cute.”
Jensen sent him an amused look. “You know, you were in the middle of running an anti-drugs campaign when we met.”
Jared’s eyes rounded. “The fuck was I on?”
“Nothing, apparently. I think that was the point.”
“Huh.” Jared appeared to be thinking real hard about it. “I could see that. With the right motivation, I mean.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jensen chuckled. “You fucking manipulator.”
“You don’t wanna motivate me to go straight, Jen?” There was an almost purr in Jared’s voice now, and he was across the seat and into Jensen’s space before Jensen ever realized he’d unbuckled his seat belt. “C’mon.”
“Jared…” His breath hitched, mind filled with a running diatribe of this is dirty, wrong, bad, nononono. But then he was jerking Jared by the collar into his lap, smashing their mouths together and sucking Jared’s bottom lip between his teeth.
“Fuck,” Jared hissed, squirming against him, hands working their way up underneath Jensen’s shirt. “Fuck, you can kiss.”
“You’re…not so bad yourself,” Jensen managed, choking off a groan when Jared switched direction and reached for his dick. “Oh, fuck.”
“Wanna…” Jared swallowed, making a sound in his throat that had Jensen pumping his hips helplessly upward. “Wanna see you, Jensen. Make you come.” All while he talked, his fingers jerked and worked at Jensen’s belt.
Jensen braced himself the moment Jared shoved a hand down his pants, wrapping long fingers around his dick and squeezing. “We shouldn’t be…” he trailed off, head lolling against the headrest as Jared licked and sucked at his neck, jerking him off hard and fast.
“Shut up, you repressed bastard,” Jared laughed, and then kissed him open-mouthed and wetly. Jensen could taste the pot on Jared's tongue and the soft drink they'd shared from Wendy's. His head was spinning a little, whether from the drugs or the fact that he was getting quite possibly the best handjob in ever from the eighteen year old version of his stupid crush, he couldn't begin to say.
“So wrong,” he managed again the next time Jared released his mouth. “Dude, slow down.”
“No. You’re close…I wanna feel you in my mouth.” Jared’s eyes were dark, cheeks flushed, hair askew. “Let me suck you off, Jensen.”
Jensen might’ve whimpered. “Oh, Christ.”
The second Jared’s head disappeared below his line of sight, hot breath against his thigh, Jensen’s knee shifted and bumped the emergency brake. He felt a wet suction, and then realized that his head wasn’t just spinning. The entire car was spinning.
It was happening again.
“Shit!” he yelled, reaching down and grasping Jared’s head and jerking it up, meeting his friend’s glazed eyes frantically. “Jared…”
He didn’t have to explain, apparently, because Jared just nodded and said, “Tell him, dude. And let me finish this six years from now.”
Jensen couldn’t think of anything to say, and then it was too late anyway.
***
“Jensen? Jensen, get the fuck up, you lazy bum.”
Jensen shot up off the bed with a start. “The fuck…?” He met Jared’s cheeky grin and groaned, dropping his head back on the pillow. “Oh, God. It’s you.”
“Geez, nice to see you, too.” He could hear Jared pouting, and forced out a sigh before turning over and squinting up at his best friend.
“What’s up?” His voice sounded scratchy, his eyes itched and watered. His clothes smelled like…oh, hell.
Jared apparently noticed it at the same time he did. One dark brow rose beneath his hair. “Jensen. Are you high?”
He couldn’t miss the surprise and disappointment in Jared’s tone and wanted to shout out, Because of you, jackass! Instead, he just grunted, “I don’t feel good.”
Just like that, Jared was beside him, one large palm pressed against his forehead. “You need anything?” Jared’s voice was way too fucking concerned, and Jensen leaned into the touch and wondered why he’d never noticed just how much Jared did touch him.
“I’m fine,” he sighed. “Jared, listen. About yesterday.”
“I broke up with Sandy,” Jared blurted out, looking embarrassed and chagrined and hopeful, all at once. “You, you were right, Jen. I was just using her to piss off Alexis, which is so stupid because I don’t need to prove anything to that bitch. I just…you were right, okay?”
Jensen was still stuck on I broke up with Sandy. “Um. Pardon?”
“She’s a great girl and I care about her, I do. But…” Jared bit his lip, shoving his hand through his hair and unable to meet Jensen’s eyes. “Actually, Jensen. I, uh, there’s something I should probably tell you.”
Jensen could see Jared was gearing himself up for a huge revelation, and bit back a smirk. “Let me guess. You like guys.”
The coughing fit Jared broke out into would’ve been funny had he not knocked Jensen off of the bed in the process of flailing his arms all about. “Jensen?”
“Jesus, Jared, don’t be so fucking repressed,” Jensen muttered, sitting up and glaring at his blushing co-star. “So you’re gay, bi. Whatever. The point is, what’re you gonna do about it?”
Jared’s mouth worked like a guppy for several long seconds, and then he swallowed. “Is there something I should do about it?” he asked, and there was a familiar edge to that voice that had Jensen biting back a grin.
He sprawled back on his elbows, watching Jared from beneath his lashes, knowing damn well just how he looked. “Say, Jay…” he started casually. “You ever done drugs?”
Jared blinked. Then, “Jensen, drugs are bad.”
“Huh.” Jensen scratched his chin. “So, you wanna fuck or what?”
A strangled sound escaped Jared’s throat, and then Jensen found himself flat against the ground beneath his co-star. “Fucking hell, Jensen,” Jared was groaning, mouth working at Jensen’s jaw. “Do you know how damn long I’ve wanted…”
“Not as long as I have,” Jensen laughed unsteadily, arching up as Jared’s fist found his cock. He yanked Jared’s shirt over his head. “Only this time, you’re gonna finish.”
“Got no plans of stopping now,” Jared panted, biting his lip and thrusting down and between Jensen’s thighs as Jensen’s eyes went blurry. “Fuck, you can kiss.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jensen reached for Jared’s buckle. “And I swear to God, if you sneeze on me, we are so over.”
Jared looked confused, but not enough to ask questions. The fact that Jensen now had his dick in his hand might’ve been the distraction. “You’re so fucking hot, Jensen.” A small lick against his throat. “I wanna fuck you. Gonna let me?”
“Oh, God, that’s hot.” Jensen rolled his hips. “Yeah, Jared.”
He found himself flipped over, cheek against the floor and hips tilted in the air as Jared made a low, growly sound in his throat and yanked Jensen’s pants down his hips. The first brush of Jared’s palm against his ass made him twitch, and he bit his lip and rocked back.
“You, uh, done this before?” Jared breathed, rustling around in his pocket.
“Once or twice,” Jensen answered in a muffled tone. “Never wanted it so much before.”
“Good.” Jared’s hand disappeared, and then came back to a different spot. Jensen groaned a little at the slick feel of a finger teasing, circling, and tried to sit up a little.
“You got anything-”
“Got my mouth,” Jared slurred, and Jensen felt him drop a kiss at the base of his spine. “That what you want?”
There was no way he could answer that. With words.
He kind of just laid there as Jared lifted him up and pulled him back onto his thighs, spreading him open and whispering in a hushed voice, “I got you, baby,” seconds before wet heat slithered against him. Jensen nearly shot off the ground.
“Dude, you’re…licking…” he couldn’t finish that sentence. Not when Jared was still doing it, changing the rhythm up every few flicks of his tongue with the thrust of a finger, or two, gently stretching and opening Jensen up. His fingers curled into the floor and he pulled an arm under his head. “Goddamn hell.”
Jared was very fucking serious about this.
“Feel good?” Jared asked, voice thrumming against him. “How slow do I need to take this, Jensen?”
“Fucking fuck me,” Jensen growled, pushing back and sending Jared a look over his shoulder. “Before I come all over the friggin’ floor, Jared.”
“Romantic,” Jared cracked, sitting up and repositioning them both. “Ready.” The statement seemed to be made for both of their benefits, and Jensen braced himself for that first stinging drive.
When it came, his eyes popped wide and he blurted out, “Shit, Jared…is that for real?”
“What?”
Jensen hated to sound like a blushing virgin, but - “Goddamn.”
Jared seemed to catch on then, snickering and sliding his hands down to Jensen’s hips. He thrust up. “What, can’t take it, Jensen?”
“Fuck you,” Jensen mumbled, hissing through his teeth and reaching down for his dick. “You fucking gigantic bastard.”
“Such a pretty mouth,” Jared gasped, driving in again. Jensen felt sweat stinging his back, his eyes, and bit back a moan when Jared shifted and fucked harder. “Why didn’t you ever…coulda been doing this…”
Jensen didn’t bother to answer, could feel the come bursting at his slit as Jared pressed up against the sweet spot inside, and passed his thumb over the head of his cock. “Jared,” he gasped, arching back, “dude, I’m gonna-”
“Yeah. Me, too.” Jared’s fingers dug into his waist, and then he felt Jared go completely still. Jensen kept his fist moving, mouth open and hips fluttering during that suspended moment before Jared fucked in so deep that Jensen flew apart. He could hear Jared coming with him, but was too fucked out to really notice.
He collapsed against the floor as Jared pulled out and fell next to him, flushed and out of breath and staring at Jensen like he’d never seen him before. And like he knew him better than anyone in the world.
Those white teeth flashed, and Jensen felt something in his chest clench. “So. What now?”
And really, there was only one thing to say. “Fuck, I could use a smoke.”
Wendy, I love you more than Jensen loves Jared, and this is aaaall for you! You hussy enabler. *kisses*
Title: Don’t Bet Your Future On One Hit From the Bong
Author: keepaofthecheez
Characters: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6, 843
Disclaimer: I don’t own them. If I did, they would probably be sorry.
Summary: Jensen uses the Impala to go back in time to save Jared from the heinous bitchery of Alexis Bledel.
Notes/Warnings: This is CRACK. Abandon any and all illusions of reality before reading. Also, huge thanks to __tiana__ and merepersiflage for taking this monster on to beta. And catching my million typos. *smooches*
Jensen had never really been one to live by the whole “if you build it, they will come” philosophy. His motto could be traced back to a conversation with his grandfather back during Jensen’s first year of high school. “You gotta look out for number one, Jenny boy." Jensen had never really had a problem doing so. Until recently.
As if he knew exactly what Jensen was thinking, Jared glanced over and caught his gaze, a frown on his lips. “I know what you’re thinking,” his friend slurred, tapping his temple and nearly soaking himself with the drink in his hand. “But I’m totally fine, Jensen.”
Jensen was more than a little skeptical. But he was a good friend, so all he said was, “Yeah, I know.” He reached over and gently plucked the glass out of Jared’s hand anyway. “Thirsty.”
Jared sighed, dropping his head onto his fist. “What the fuck am I doing, Jensen?” His best friend’s voice quavered. “Why the fuck do I let her get to me like this?”
Jensen stared across the room to where Alexis was holding court and sending dark looks in their general direction. Because you’re a good person, Jay, and she’s a heinous bitch. Out loud he said, “Because you used to care about her, man. That doesn’t just…go away.”
Jensen would know. He’d been suffering for precisely eleven months, ever since he’d first heard the words “Hi there, I’m Jared”. His feelings weren’t going away anytime soon, either.
“I’m an idiot,” Jared muttered, reaching over blindly for the nearest glass. He tossed it back, barely flinching as the vodka slid down his throat. “I have Sandy. It’s not like I need fucking Alexis Bledel’s blessing.”
Jensen tried not to let the reminder of Jared’s steady girlfriend burn like the bitch it was. “Yeah,” he answered, draining the remainder of whatever the hell had been in Jared’s drink.
You gotta look out for number one, Jenny boy.
He straightened, unable to meet Jared’s eyes as he added, “Look. I’m gonna go…I’ll catch you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah. Sure.” Jared barely seemed to realize he was leaving, too busy glaring daggers at Alexis and brooding into his glass. Then, “Hey, Jensen? Drive safe.”
Jensen sighed. “Yeah. Sure.”
***
“Time travel? Are you serious?”
Jensen snorted at the obvious excitement coloring Jared’s voice and continued to flip through his script.
Sam and Dean were up for a real challenge this episode; a hex by a voodoo priestess would turn the Impala into a time machine a la the DeLorean from Back to the Future, and apparently Eric had hunted up an honest-to-God priestess from New Orleans to come up with some curses that would send individuals tearing through the space/time continuim.
He could hear Jared saying, “That is so cool” as he scanned dialogue and caught the predictable throwback lines to the Steven Spielberg classic.
Several hours later, he was still thinking on it as he stepped out of his trailer to come face-to-face with Jared leaving his. Jared tilted his head in greeting, cell phone pressed to his ear, and Jensen managed a smile as his friend winked and took off for the parking lot.
His eyes caught on the four pristine Chevys parked in a row on the backlot. A quick glance around showed that no one was really looking, and after all, he still had the keyset from the last reel. Maybe a joyride in the Impala was just what he needed to shake off this fucked up feeling that had been haunting him all day.
He was sliding behind the wheel when a fist pounded on the passenger side window. Jensen jumped, then glared when Jared’s grinning face came into view. “Dude,” he said as Jensen rolled down the window. “Grand theft auto?”
“Just…borrowing it for a bit,” Jensen muttered lamely. “Not gonna mess it up any.”
Jared snorted. “Let me in.”
***
“Dude, no way. Obi Wan Kenobi could so kick Han Solo’s ass.”
“You’re totally full of it,” Jared answered, all but falling off of the couch to shove his finger in Jensen’s face. “Full. Of. It. Nothing could beat Han, because one. Ain’t nothin’ gonna catch him with the Falcon. And two, he’s got an attack dog the size of Bigfoot.”
“Obi Wan has the Force, jackass.” But Jensen had to agree about the Chewbacca thing.
They were starting on episode IV and planned to watch the entire original trilogy through, or pass out drunk. Whichever one happened first. And Jensen was pretty damn sure which one Jared was going for, as he eyed his friend popping the top of his sixth - or seventh? - can of beer.
Impala # 3 was parked safe and sound in his driveway, and hopefully wouldn’t be missed until sometime late in the morning after they’d stolen on set and put it back. Otherwise, well, what were they gonna do? Fire them both?
“I think I totally fucked up, man.” Jared’s solemn tone broke him out of his thoughts, and he glanced over to see his friend staring up at the ceiling. “Sandy…she’s talking weird, dude. Shit about kids and a family. I’m like, I’m twenty-four, you know? Definitely not ready for that shit, but she’s ready to settle down and well, hell, Jen…”
Jensen felt simultaneous flashes of fear and relief. “She hinting at marriage?”
Jared shifted onto his side to meet Jensen’s eyes. “See, that’s the thing. She’s real careful not to mention it. She knows about the whole thing with Alexis-”
Jensen’s fists clenched. Jared’s ex-girlfriend had dropped him on his ass for some idiotic newcomer to the show, and the two had been engaged two weeks later. Jared had apparently sworn off marriage altogether, which Jensen thought was pretty lame, except for the fact where it left Jared single for the rest of his life. And made it a possibility that one day he could actually do something about the way he felt.
Assuming he was a different person and Jared was, too, and they weren’t co-starring on a television show about brothers for chrissake.
“Dude, you have got to get over the thing with Alexis. She’s not even worth it.” He tossed back some beer, hoping Jared didn’t catch the razor’s edge in his tone. A horrible thought suddenly entered his mind. “I mean, unless, you…want her back or something?”
Jared’s face filled with outrage. “Fuck no! I just want her to stop trying to blackball me everywhere and talking shit to everyone we know!”
“Bitch,” Jensen agreed, raising his can in a toast to the heinous bitchery that was Alexis Bledel. “But dude, no one listens to her. Everyone loves you.”
“Hmph,” was all Jared said. “Well, Chad’s not helping.”
Jared’s other best friend was currently playing “He said, she said” with Alexis and it was doing more damage than good, but Jared didn’t quite have the heart to tell the guy to shut the fuck up. Jensen wouldn’t have minded, only his words to Chad would’ve been more along the lines of “Worry about your own fucked up life first, dude”.
Lips loosened by the alcohol, Jensen sighed, “Chad’s a moron.”
“Yeah.” Jared snuffled. “But he loves me.”
“Maybe he’ll marry you,” Jensen cracked, then immediately felt like an ass. Until a moment later, when Jared burst out laughing.
“God, I’d have to be so high. I don’t remember anything when I’m wasted. In fact, I ain’t even gonna remember telling you this in the morning. That’s why drugs - and alcohol - are baaaad...”
Jensen snorted, and looked over to find Jared passed out and drooling on himself. “Well, that didn’t take long.”
***
This was so stupid.
He’d obviously drank too much. It was the only reasonable explanation as to why he was standing outside, a printed copy of voodoo spells and hexes rolled in his hand as he stared at the Impala.
Then again, wasn’t Eric’s whole deal that they wanted to explore shit that could really happen? He’d hunted down Madam Whateverthefuck, so there had to be something to it. Right?
“You are now high enough to marry Chad Michael Murray,” Jensen muttered, disgusted at himself and whatever notion had moved him to even think about trying this. “What, gonna go back in time, Jen? Save Jared from a 5’7” Texas girl with an attitude problem? What the hell did he ever see in her, anyway? She’s from Houston…she’s a fucking Rockets fan. And now I’m talking to myself. Great.”
He should go back inside. Wake Jared up, move him to the guest bed. Spend the rest of the night jerking off not thinking about Jared and then wake up and do it all over again.
Instead, he was gonna try to turn the Impala into a time machine.
Yep.
Which is why he found himself, fifteen minutes later, cursing a blue streak and squinting at the words on the paper as he drew symbols in baby oil across the dashboard and wished he’d remembered to grab a flashlight beforehand.
According to the site he’d dug up, these kinds of spells only lasted so long, so he had to be back inside the Impala or else he’d turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Or something. God, he was so drunk. And possibly insane.
He read the words off the page, stumbling a bit over the patois, and waited for something to happen. A dog barked somewhere, and it was very anticlimactic. Then he remembered he hadn’t actually said when he wanted to go back, so he probably needed to fix that.
“Um, yeah, so…I’ll take a few years before he meets that biatch, I mean, Alexis. Not picky. Er, please?”
He remembered thinking how odd it was that he had the spins when he hadn’t really had enough to warrant it, when he realized it was actually the car moving. And before he could get out a much needed “oh, crap” he was jerked forward and knocked himself out on the steering wheel.
***
Jensen blinked, sitting up and wincing at the knife through his skull, sun pouring through the windshield and warming the Impala’s interior. For a moment, he wondered if he’d fallen asleep on set, but as he looked out and caught sight of the surroundings…he knew he wasn’t in Vancouver.
For one, he was parked in front of a building with the sign James Madison High School, San Antonio.
His eyes traveled across the campus, toward a small picnic bench beneath a huge oak tree where several students were milling around and goofing off. One in particular stood a good few inches over the rest, shaggy brown hair and twinkling eyes Jensen could make out from yards away.
“Oh, fuck me.”
This was so, so wrong. Aside from the fact that his asinine plan of time travel had apparently worked, he’d gone back to when Jared was apparently still in high school.
He got out of the car with shaking legs, overhearing one of the guys yell, “Later, Padalecki!” as he sauntered off, the others following and leaving Jared behind. His friend plopped onto the ground, back against the tree trunk and hair in his eyes as he bent over something in his lap.
As he got closer and Jared lifted his head again, Jensen caught a familiar whiff of smoke and was torn between outrage and amusement. So, Mr. Just Say No was a stoner? Yeah, this was gonna be fun.
Jared was watching him now, looking cool and collected, features flushed and youthful in contrast with the ripening muscle in his arms and legs shown off by a t-shirt and cargo shorts. His lips curved into a smirk as Jensen got closer.
“You look familiar,” was all he said, and Jensen’s heart flipped a little in his chest.
“Jared Padalecki?”
Jared’s expression grew thoughtful. “Aw, fuck, you’re not like a TA are you? Because there ain’t nothin’ to see here, boss.”
Jensen debated for several long moments about how this moment could go. Then again, it was Jared, so direct and sincere was probably the best route to take. “Actually, I’m a friend. From the future.” As soon as he heard both his words and the melodramatic tone he’d given them in, he wanted to smack himself in the head.
“Yeah, I saw that movie, Marty McFly,” Jared drawled, lazing back against the tree like he hadn’t a care in the world and like some random stranger hadn’t just approached him to say he’d come back in time to help save him from his future girlfriend. Who was a heinous bitch. Not that he’d mentioned that part yet, of course.
Jensen wasn’t sure if he was proud of Jared, or wanted to strangle him.
“Yeah,” he bit off instead. “Listen, I know it sounds crazy…”
“Dude, so do the Spurs ever get their shit together and win a championship?” Jared asked, sitting up a little straighter and eyeing Jensen with a keen expression.
Jensen blinked, mouth still hanging open and forming his next words. He swallowed them down, refusing to give into the urge to rub his forehead, wondering why he was surprised exactly that Jared Padalecki would be more interested in basketball stats than the fact that his best friend had traveled back in time. “Um. Actually, they do.”
“Sweet!” Jared rubbed his hands together, the picture of unholy glee. “I told Sean, that bastard. Fucking going on and on and on about the goddamn Mavs. I mean, seriously, right?”
Jensen’s eyes narrowed into slits. “I’m from Dallas.”
“Oh.” And then Jensen was on the receiving end of that blinding white smile and felt everything inside him go hot and lax. “Oops.”
Jensen cleared his throat and looked away. “Can we get back to the reason why I’m here?” And if his voice was a little choked and gruff, well, it’s not like Jared would notice. He never had.
“Right, right. Okay, so, you’re totally insane. I get it. What, you need money or something? For treatments? For drugs?” Jared’s voice dropped on that last word and he leaned forward. “Because, like. You really need help man. But I’m not sure ‘smoking herb’” - he quoted with two fingers - “is really doing anything for your personality. You seem a little twitchy.”
Jensen’s mouth flattened. “I don’t smoke pot, Jared.”
“Well, hell. You’re missing out.”
Jensen must’ve made a pretty impressive face, because Jared actually made the motions of zipping his lips and throwing away the key, and Jensen wondered when the hell he’d been dropped back into elementary school. A quick glance at the building behind him had him wincing.
Or high school.
Seeing that he now had Jared’s full attention, and wanting to get on with it before Jared started talking again, he quickly said the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m Jensen Ackles. I’m here to rescue you.”
Watching Star Wars before traveling back in time was a bad idea.
***
Two hours later, he thought he might’ve finally made some progress.
“So, what you’re saying is. You’re from the future.”
Jensen sighed. “Yes.”
“And you’re here to rescue me,” Jared continued in a doubtful if interested tone, “from…what? My physics exam? Because that would be so awesome, man. I don’t even really know how I ended up taking physics, and now I have to take an exam for it? I mean, how is that fair?”
“Jared-”
“And like. Physics is so dumb. Who cares about the acceleration of a car compared to that of gravity? All you need to know is drive the speed limit, yo. And don’t run into buildings. Or hit little old ladies crossing the street. People think too much.”
“Jared-” he tried again, a little harder.
“Oh, sorry man. Were you saying something?” Jared paused all of two seconds before adding, “So, are you totally homeless? Because I saw this documentary about homeless people and drug addictions, and dude, I gotta say. You look damn good for a homeless guy.”
“I do?” Jensen straightened, a smile starting to curve the edges of his mouth, and then, “Dude, I’m not homeless!”
“Then mind hooking me up with whatever the hell you’ve been smokin’?” Jared grinned again, giving that same aw, shucks shrug that had everyone on-set doing every damn thing he wanted. Jensen was by no means immune.
“I don’t do drugs,” Jensen reiterated slowly. “And neither should you. For chrissake.”
“Wow, okay mom,” Jared laughed, holding his hands up and looking at Jensen like he was the biggest dork, if not the hottest, in San Antonio. And how the hell had he not known teenage Jared was an apparent dope-head? The Jared he knew was so anti-drugs that the idea was laughable. “Fine. Fine, I can score my own.”
“Okay, you know what?” Jensen reached down and took Jared by the arm. He was only a little taken aback when Jared came to his feet, staring down at Jared with quirked brows and goddamn it, Jared was still taller than he was! “What the hell do you eat?”
“Oh, dude. Speaking of. I could totally go for a burrito.” Jared looked delighted. “Wanna come? You can tell me all about that LSD trip where the Spurs won the championship.”
“It wasn’t LSD, it was pot.” Jensen squeezed his eyes shut. “Damn it!”
Jared clapped his back, expression sympathetic. “Hey, that’s the first step, man. Admitting you have a problem. Now, we just gotta find you a job and some clothes and-”
“What the hell’s wrong with my clothes?” Jensen dug his heels in and wondered when he’d lost the upper hand.
Jared just snorted, dragging Jensen along as he headed across the field and toward the parking lot. “Who the hell wears sweater-vests?” he countered.
Jensen half considered using a wrestling move he and his brother had perfected back in the day - “You’re going to sleep now…” - but Jared was already coming to a stop; Jensen slammed into his back and was a little irritated that the gigantic beanpole barely flinched.
“Dude. I just had the scariest thought.” Jared sounded anything but scared. “Are you, like. A reporter? Is this all about that Teen Choice thing?”
“What? No!” A reporter, for God’s sake. Jensen’s mortification was finally complete. “I already told you. I’m-”
“A sophisticated sex robot sent back through time?” Jared laughed like it was the most hysterical thing he’d ever heard.
Jensen was starting to get a little suspicious. “Jared. Are you already high right now?”
“Not likely, dude. Since you’re being a stingy bitch with your drugs and all.”
Jensen really couldn’t take this anymore. “Alexis Bledel is evil, okay! You need to stay away from her, don’t date her, and definitely don’t give a rat’s ass about what she thinks. Ever. Okay? My work here is done.”
But instead of turning around and walking away from Jared, or this psychotic drug-obsessed version of Jared, he just stood there. Waiting. Fuck, he was so dick-whipped and wasn’t even getting whipped with the dick in question.
Jared blinked long lashes. “Alexis Ble-whozit?”
Okay, maybe he could work a different track here. “Rory Gilmore,” he stated flatly. Jared continued to stare at him like he’d lost his mind, and seriously, what? This got more of a reaction than “By the way, I’m from six years in the future!”?
He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Do you watch television?”
“Duh,” Jared sang. “I like daytime, though. Those bitches are crazy! There’s this one where, like, some chick got possessed by the devil only there was no pea soup, which was kinda lame. Oh, but then this new guy’s on there and hey, you kinda look like him. Except he’s not homeless. Or addicted to cocaine.” There was a beat. “I don’t think.”
Jensen let that one slide in favor of, “What the fuck? You watch Days of Our Lives?”
Okay, he’d been wrong. Now his complete and utter ruin was complete.
“Yeah, that’s the one. Hey, what’d you say your name was again?” Now Jared was staring at him with the first signs of nervousness Jensen had seen all day.
“Jensen Ackles.” He waited for the recognition to hit. When it did, Jared turned a little green.
“No fucking way...how is this even possible?”
Jensen had explained how it was possible three times already. “Okay, well, five years from now? We work together. On a show called Supernatural.”
***
“So, what you’re saying is, you’re really from the future?”
Jensen lounged across Jared’s bed and tried not to scream. “Yes, Jared. I am. From. The future.”
Jared was hanging half off the mattres and staring at Jensen like he'd never seen him before. Which wasn't too ironic, given the fact that, well, he really hadn't ever before. Except for apparently on a soap opera that would forever continue to haunt Jensen. "And you're here to warn me not to date some diva bitch on a WB show?"
Not exactly the words Jensen had…oh, what the hell. “Yeah.”
“Because we’re best friends. In the future.” Jared scooted closer. “Dude, you don’t even have to worry.”
“I don’t?” Jensen was steadily ignoring the fact that Jared was practically hanging onto him now, and cursed himself when he looked up and found those familiar lips inches from his own. “Uh…”
“I don’t even like girls, Jensen.” And was the bastard smirking at him?
Jensen was fairly certain the choked sounds filling the air were coming from his own throat, but just to be certain, he opened his mouth and out came, “Nnghfch?” He cleared his throat and added, “Um. You’ve always acted very…”
“Ha! Acting. I still can’t fucking believe it…I mean, I always thought about it, you know? Been taking lessons since I was twelve, but I never really thought anyone would hire me. Ha! What a bunch of losers.”
Jensen could feel the thread of conversation slipping away from him again. “Jared,” he started, a tad frantically.
“So I start working right away? When do we meet? Did I ever get in your pants, because dude, homeless or not, you’re fucking hot.” Apparently catching sight of Jensen’s deer-in-the-headlights expression, he shifted and added, “Oh, am I making you uncomfortable?”
He was, but probably not the way he thought. Jensen bit the inside of his cheek and hoped like hell the tent in his jeans wasn’t too noticeable. “We, uh, we’ve never…” He waved his hands pathetically.
“Nothing?” Jared echoed the unsaid statement with an air of disappointment. And then, “Dude, what, do I turn into a complete fucking lame ass in the future?”
“We’re best friends,” Jensen feels the desperate need to point out. “And besides, you don’t even know that I like guys!”
Jared smirked. “Jensen, you’re on, were on, Days of Our Lives. Plus, you’ve been staring at my mouth for a good hour and a half.”
This had to be what dying felt like.
“Because your lips haven’t stopped flapping since I showed up!” he grumbled, not even caring that he sounded like his eighty-year old grandfather. “Jesus Christ, Jared. You…you’ve always been direct, but this is…”
“So that’s a no on telling you that I’d let you suck my dick for a dime sack?” Jared’s eyes were gleaming with mischief and something else Jensen was too scared to attach a name to. Because it probably wasn’t legal.
“This was such a bad idea,” Jensen tried to snap, but his voice was coming out all thick and hoarse and Jared was leaning toward him and why the hell wasn’t he moving? “Jared.”
“You’ve never even thought about it?”
Jensen stared at him; seeing way too much of his Jared in the solemn, anxious expression now decorating this Jared’s face. Coupled with words he’d been dying to hear since pretty much the first time they’d met, it was a little too much to handle, so he swallowed and looked away. “Doesn’t matter. You have a girlfriend.”
Jared’s mouth fell open. “I do not!” he said in an offended tone as if Jensen had just told him he had crab lice.
It was almost enough to have Jensen’s mouth lifting. “Dude, you totally do. And she’s cute and perfect and you call each other stupid pet names and…” he trailed off, feeling that recognizable lump start to form in his throat. “Anyway, you’re taken.”
“I thought you said she was the diva bitch from hell?”
“No, that’s Alexis. I’m talking about Sandy.”
“I dated more than one fucking girl?” Jared cried out in a horrified tone. “Holy fuck, thanks for nothin’ Hollywood!”
Jensen stared. “You know, you really never seemed this gay before.”
“Because apparently I turned into a fucking crackhead!” Jared was wiping at his eyes like he was trying to get rid of a frightening image. Then, “Quick, blow me, man. I’m feeling really vulnerable right now.”
“Is this some kind of joke?” Jensen demanded, starting to get a bit angry. “Did you fucking slip me something at the party last night? Am I still in fucking Vancouver, passed out in my apartment drooling on myself?”
“Dude.” Jared reached under his bed and pulled out a bong. “Chill.”
“This cannot be happening,” Jensen muttered to himself, dragging a hand down his face and peering out between his fingers as Jared hummed and packed a bowl. He could only stare, watch as Jared sucked through the pipe and giggled.
An hour later:
“Well, if we’re not gonna fuck, we gotta do something.” Jared bounced on the bed, eyes glazed and excited. “We could go cow-tipping!”
“No.” Jensen reached over and grabbed the bong, coughing and blinking rapidly. The sickly-sweet smoke was messing with his contacts, and he could only imagine how fucked out he looked. The few times he’d toked up in high school, he’d only managed a few hits before he’d been falling all over himself. Or just falling asleep. He was definitely buzzing right now, and it was all goddamn Jared’s fault.
Fucking anti-drug campaign, his ass.
“C’mon,” Jared wheedled, and his already deep voice sounded shot and husky. He leaned way too close to Jensen, head lolling on Jensen’s shoulder as he added, “You can buy me some booze or ooh, ooh! We could be gangstas and drink some 40s! And then we can make out because, seriously dude? My retarded future self sucks for not tapping that ass already.” He punctuated this statement by slapping Jensen on said ass.
“Dude.” Everything was starting to feel a little fuzzy. “No-o.” He drew the word out, squinting because he couldn’t exactly remember what he was saying no to. Maybe if he said it long enough, he would. “No.”
“You’re funny, Jensen.” And Jared was giggling again, breath hot against Jensen’s neck. A hand slid up Jensen’s thigh, and then, “Y’know. My parents aren’t here and my sister’s at dance recital.”
“Uh…”
“You have pink lips.” And then Jared was licking his mouth, bong water and stems spreading across the carpet as Jensen moaned in the back of his throat and let Jared shove him back against the mattress. “You taste like mint,” Jared added dreamily, and then. “I’m gonna sneeze.”
That was all the warning Jensen got.
***
“So, sorry about snotting all over ya,” Jared was saying, laughing, tapping the side of the Impala as Jensen blew deep breaths and struggled to keep his eyes open and focused on the traffic lights. “You’re a really good kisser.”
“Never ever say that again,” Jensen’s voice cracked, fingers clenching in the steering wheel. “Oh, my God. I’m a pedophile.”
“Dude, fuck you. I’m eighteen. It ain’t my fault you’re all repressed and shit.”
“I’m not repressed,” Jensen snapped. “I have lots of sex!”
“With women, probably.” Jared rolled his eyes. “I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that, I guess, but fuck man…have you ever had a dick up your ass?”
The sound that spilled from Jensen’s lips couldn’t be categorized as human.
“My point,” Jared emphasized with a wild arm flail. “Jen, man. Face it. You’re totally gay. And probably in love with me, because I am awesome even if I have sex with girls and dated some diva hell bitch. I mean, I’m awesome, right?”
Jensen cracked up. “Oh, Jesus…if you could hear yourself now. I mean, you you. Not this you. Or…whatever.” He saw Jared shift out of the corner of his eye, and pressed down on the gas as the light turned green. He could feel Jared staring at him.
“Hey, Jensen. Hey.” Something in Jared’s voice was quiet now, and Jensen stopped grinning and flashed him a quick look before staring back out at the road. “You like me, huh? I mean…future me. Whatever.”
Jensen squirmed in his seat, fighting back the heat threatening his cheeks. “You’re so wasted, Jared,” he muttered lamely. Desperately.
“I knew it!” Jared slapped the dashboard with a giant paw and guffawed. “Time-travelin’ Jensen, out to protect his wannabe boyfriend’s dignity. Oh, man, this is some shit.”
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Jensen answered. “You don’t even.”
“Yeah. Right. Dude, bit of advice? Fuck me or fuck off. You can’t sit around hiding how you really feel and then freak out and travel through time to fix my life when someone else fucks it up.”
Jensen rubbed his forehead. “I wish that hadn’t made sense.”
“Yeah, sometimes I go over people’s heads,” Jared agreed solemnly. “Mostly when I lace my weed with PCP.”
“What?”
Jared winked. “Gotcha.”
“Fucking…” Jensen’s knuckles loosened and he blew out a breath and pulled over onto the darkened road shoulder. He switched off the ignition, ignoring the way Jared straightened and turned to him expectantly. “Okay, listen.” He couldn’t quite meet Jared’s eyes when he said, “You’re right. I do like you. A lot, actually.”
“Then fuck-”
His words were soft when he continued, “It’s more than some stupid drugged-out fuck to me, okay?”
Jared stayed silent for several moments, which was really a miracle in and of itself. Jensen shut his eyes, head falling back against the seat as crickets chirped somewhere outside the window. And then, “Did you ever…think about telling me? You know, about how you felt?”
Jensen’s eyes popped open to find Jared watching him curiously. “Course I have,” he admitted. “Just did, didn’t I?”
Jared waved dismissively. “You know what I mean.”
“I can’t. You’re…different then, Jared.” His eyes traveled to the knee that was bouncing up and down on the seat and he bit back a laugh. Jared never could sit fucking still anywhere. “Okay, maybe not too different.”
“Look. All I know, I’d be crazy not to want to get with you.” And then Jared reached over and squeezed his shoulder. “You’re fucking hot, man. And you have, like, morals and shit. It’s real cute.”
Jensen sent him an amused look. “You know, you were in the middle of running an anti-drugs campaign when we met.”
Jared’s eyes rounded. “The fuck was I on?”
“Nothing, apparently. I think that was the point.”
“Huh.” Jared appeared to be thinking real hard about it. “I could see that. With the right motivation, I mean.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jensen chuckled. “You fucking manipulator.”
“You don’t wanna motivate me to go straight, Jen?” There was an almost purr in Jared’s voice now, and he was across the seat and into Jensen’s space before Jensen ever realized he’d unbuckled his seat belt. “C’mon.”
“Jared…” His breath hitched, mind filled with a running diatribe of this is dirty, wrong, bad, nononono. But then he was jerking Jared by the collar into his lap, smashing their mouths together and sucking Jared’s bottom lip between his teeth.
“Fuck,” Jared hissed, squirming against him, hands working their way up underneath Jensen’s shirt. “Fuck, you can kiss.”
“You’re…not so bad yourself,” Jensen managed, choking off a groan when Jared switched direction and reached for his dick. “Oh, fuck.”
“Wanna…” Jared swallowed, making a sound in his throat that had Jensen pumping his hips helplessly upward. “Wanna see you, Jensen. Make you come.” All while he talked, his fingers jerked and worked at Jensen’s belt.
Jensen braced himself the moment Jared shoved a hand down his pants, wrapping long fingers around his dick and squeezing. “We shouldn’t be…” he trailed off, head lolling against the headrest as Jared licked and sucked at his neck, jerking him off hard and fast.
“Shut up, you repressed bastard,” Jared laughed, and then kissed him open-mouthed and wetly. Jensen could taste the pot on Jared's tongue and the soft drink they'd shared from Wendy's. His head was spinning a little, whether from the drugs or the fact that he was getting quite possibly the best handjob in ever from the eighteen year old version of his stupid crush, he couldn't begin to say.
“So wrong,” he managed again the next time Jared released his mouth. “Dude, slow down.”
“No. You’re close…I wanna feel you in my mouth.” Jared’s eyes were dark, cheeks flushed, hair askew. “Let me suck you off, Jensen.”
Jensen might’ve whimpered. “Oh, Christ.”
The second Jared’s head disappeared below his line of sight, hot breath against his thigh, Jensen’s knee shifted and bumped the emergency brake. He felt a wet suction, and then realized that his head wasn’t just spinning. The entire car was spinning.
It was happening again.
“Shit!” he yelled, reaching down and grasping Jared’s head and jerking it up, meeting his friend’s glazed eyes frantically. “Jared…”
He didn’t have to explain, apparently, because Jared just nodded and said, “Tell him, dude. And let me finish this six years from now.”
Jensen couldn’t think of anything to say, and then it was too late anyway.
***
“Jensen? Jensen, get the fuck up, you lazy bum.”
Jensen shot up off the bed with a start. “The fuck…?” He met Jared’s cheeky grin and groaned, dropping his head back on the pillow. “Oh, God. It’s you.”
“Geez, nice to see you, too.” He could hear Jared pouting, and forced out a sigh before turning over and squinting up at his best friend.
“What’s up?” His voice sounded scratchy, his eyes itched and watered. His clothes smelled like…oh, hell.
Jared apparently noticed it at the same time he did. One dark brow rose beneath his hair. “Jensen. Are you high?”
He couldn’t miss the surprise and disappointment in Jared’s tone and wanted to shout out, Because of you, jackass! Instead, he just grunted, “I don’t feel good.”
Just like that, Jared was beside him, one large palm pressed against his forehead. “You need anything?” Jared’s voice was way too fucking concerned, and Jensen leaned into the touch and wondered why he’d never noticed just how much Jared did touch him.
“I’m fine,” he sighed. “Jared, listen. About yesterday.”
“I broke up with Sandy,” Jared blurted out, looking embarrassed and chagrined and hopeful, all at once. “You, you were right, Jen. I was just using her to piss off Alexis, which is so stupid because I don’t need to prove anything to that bitch. I just…you were right, okay?”
Jensen was still stuck on I broke up with Sandy. “Um. Pardon?”
“She’s a great girl and I care about her, I do. But…” Jared bit his lip, shoving his hand through his hair and unable to meet Jensen’s eyes. “Actually, Jensen. I, uh, there’s something I should probably tell you.”
Jensen could see Jared was gearing himself up for a huge revelation, and bit back a smirk. “Let me guess. You like guys.”
The coughing fit Jared broke out into would’ve been funny had he not knocked Jensen off of the bed in the process of flailing his arms all about. “Jensen?”
“Jesus, Jared, don’t be so fucking repressed,” Jensen muttered, sitting up and glaring at his blushing co-star. “So you’re gay, bi. Whatever. The point is, what’re you gonna do about it?”
Jared’s mouth worked like a guppy for several long seconds, and then he swallowed. “Is there something I should do about it?” he asked, and there was a familiar edge to that voice that had Jensen biting back a grin.
He sprawled back on his elbows, watching Jared from beneath his lashes, knowing damn well just how he looked. “Say, Jay…” he started casually. “You ever done drugs?”
Jared blinked. Then, “Jensen, drugs are bad.”
“Huh.” Jensen scratched his chin. “So, you wanna fuck or what?”
A strangled sound escaped Jared’s throat, and then Jensen found himself flat against the ground beneath his co-star. “Fucking hell, Jensen,” Jared was groaning, mouth working at Jensen’s jaw. “Do you know how damn long I’ve wanted…”
“Not as long as I have,” Jensen laughed unsteadily, arching up as Jared’s fist found his cock. He yanked Jared’s shirt over his head. “Only this time, you’re gonna finish.”
“Got no plans of stopping now,” Jared panted, biting his lip and thrusting down and between Jensen’s thighs as Jensen’s eyes went blurry. “Fuck, you can kiss.”
“Yeah, I know.” Jensen reached for Jared’s buckle. “And I swear to God, if you sneeze on me, we are so over.”
Jared looked confused, but not enough to ask questions. The fact that Jensen now had his dick in his hand might’ve been the distraction. “You’re so fucking hot, Jensen.” A small lick against his throat. “I wanna fuck you. Gonna let me?”
“Oh, God, that’s hot.” Jensen rolled his hips. “Yeah, Jared.”
He found himself flipped over, cheek against the floor and hips tilted in the air as Jared made a low, growly sound in his throat and yanked Jensen’s pants down his hips. The first brush of Jared’s palm against his ass made him twitch, and he bit his lip and rocked back.
“You, uh, done this before?” Jared breathed, rustling around in his pocket.
“Once or twice,” Jensen answered in a muffled tone. “Never wanted it so much before.”
“Good.” Jared’s hand disappeared, and then came back to a different spot. Jensen groaned a little at the slick feel of a finger teasing, circling, and tried to sit up a little.
“You got anything-”
“Got my mouth,” Jared slurred, and Jensen felt him drop a kiss at the base of his spine. “That what you want?”
There was no way he could answer that. With words.
He kind of just laid there as Jared lifted him up and pulled him back onto his thighs, spreading him open and whispering in a hushed voice, “I got you, baby,” seconds before wet heat slithered against him. Jensen nearly shot off the ground.
“Dude, you’re…licking…” he couldn’t finish that sentence. Not when Jared was still doing it, changing the rhythm up every few flicks of his tongue with the thrust of a finger, or two, gently stretching and opening Jensen up. His fingers curled into the floor and he pulled an arm under his head. “Goddamn hell.”
Jared was very fucking serious about this.
“Feel good?” Jared asked, voice thrumming against him. “How slow do I need to take this, Jensen?”
“Fucking fuck me,” Jensen growled, pushing back and sending Jared a look over his shoulder. “Before I come all over the friggin’ floor, Jared.”
“Romantic,” Jared cracked, sitting up and repositioning them both. “Ready.” The statement seemed to be made for both of their benefits, and Jensen braced himself for that first stinging drive.
When it came, his eyes popped wide and he blurted out, “Shit, Jared…is that for real?”
“What?”
Jensen hated to sound like a blushing virgin, but - “Goddamn.”
Jared seemed to catch on then, snickering and sliding his hands down to Jensen’s hips. He thrust up. “What, can’t take it, Jensen?”
“Fuck you,” Jensen mumbled, hissing through his teeth and reaching down for his dick. “You fucking gigantic bastard.”
“Such a pretty mouth,” Jared gasped, driving in again. Jensen felt sweat stinging his back, his eyes, and bit back a moan when Jared shifted and fucked harder. “Why didn’t you ever…coulda been doing this…”
Jensen didn’t bother to answer, could feel the come bursting at his slit as Jared pressed up against the sweet spot inside, and passed his thumb over the head of his cock. “Jared,” he gasped, arching back, “dude, I’m gonna-”
“Yeah. Me, too.” Jared’s fingers dug into his waist, and then he felt Jared go completely still. Jensen kept his fist moving, mouth open and hips fluttering during that suspended moment before Jared fucked in so deep that Jensen flew apart. He could hear Jared coming with him, but was too fucked out to really notice.
He collapsed against the floor as Jared pulled out and fell next to him, flushed and out of breath and staring at Jensen like he’d never seen him before. And like he knew him better than anyone in the world.
Those white teeth flashed, and Jensen felt something in his chest clench. “So. What now?”
And really, there was only one thing to say. “Fuck, I could use a smoke.”