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//The lights went out and dear nikki started to cry//<----thats a good song. So I really have nothing to write about in here but I also have nothing else to do so ill write in here cuz I havent for a long time. The past 2 weeks or so ive been really really really extremely sad like today I went our wondering in the middle of class and I just started crying but I turned the other way so no one would see. I have nothing to say to anyone cuz ill say the wrong thing and I feel so alone right now so so alone and when Kelsey asked whats wrong I wanted to so badly say it but I have no idea what it is so I held it back and said nothing but if I knew what it was it would be something something that I could say. I cant say things I dont mean but yet I still do and when i'm sad I just try to hide it which sometimes makes things worse cuz the things build up inside of me and I end up doing things I regret the next day which no body knows about except 1 person and i'm scared to tell anyone about it and how much ive actually done it and the reasons behind it but I cant and I wont cuz I have no idea how to say it the anger and sadness builds up and I cant help but do it when people talk about it I hide it so well acting like I hate it just that much but in that way i'm just being a hypocrit. I use actions not words I dont say what I feel and its a habit and I dont think ill ever not have it I hate that feeling when you feel like you're at the end I had it today and I hate the feeling words cant even desribe it I hate it when i'm in moods like this I bring the people around me down and its only hurting myself actually hurting myself I like to smile and be happy like that feeling when you cant crontrol your laughter is the best but the feeling where you cant hold back the tears any longer is the worst I cant choose between the two. I want to be out of this mood but I cant.