Love Is Not A Game [Part 1/2]
"If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself."
A/N: I just wanted to insert a tiny note here to say that I am overwhelmed, honored and flattered by the comments that you guys have been leaving behind for me. I know a lot of you have been asking for continuations of certain universes, and of course, its my wish to do exactly that as well. However, I always feel like I write better when I receive certain inspiration and I haven't exactly felt that inspiration for all the universes/AUs that I've written about in the prompts. (I wish I did, but I have no say over these things.) So, of course, I'll take all your requests into consideration, but I just felt like I wanted to leave a note to explain why I cannot promise everyone a continuation of the AU/universe they love. I am already incredibly honored that you love the glimpse of the universe that I have provided in the prompt and perhaps, these little glimpses will serve as fodder for your own imagination/fic in time to come.
Okay, this note has gotten out of hand. On with what you all are here for: the fic. (For those unclear, this is a continuation of the prompt that I filled, called "Domestic Bliss" which you can read here.)
She doesn’t know how she ended up falling for Jung Yong-hwa of all people.
She suspects it stems from a very simple reason: the fact that they live together.
To begin with, she’d never wanted to stay in a co-ed homeshare, even promised her parents that she wouldn’t share a flat with guys. She blames it on Tae-yeon and Tiffany unnie-- she knows Tae-yeon from their hometown, Jeonju and Tiffany unnie she met through Tae-yeon upon arriving in Seoul. Still, she can’t let the unnies take all the blame, she admits as she thinks back on the incident. She’d arrived in Seoul to learn that the girl-only dormitories were packed to full, and housing anywhere in the city could only be accompanied by an astronomical rent. Her parents weren’t exactly poor, but neither were their finances in great shape and that’s where Tae-yeon unnie stepped in, offering her a room in a shared flat.
She’d assumed, mistakenly that it was an all-girls living situation-Tae-yeon unnie had gone to the same all-girls high school with her in Jeonju and Tae-yeon never said a single thing about their housemates, only that they were nice people, some of the nicest people you could meet in Seoul. She wasn’t wrong.
Tae-yeon had just neglected to mention that some of these nicest people comprised of guys.
So imagine her surprise when Tae-yeon had taken her back to the flat, only for a shirtless guy to open the door for them.
That was Seo-hyun’s first introduction to the one and only Jung Yong-hwa.
She remembers that day with some embarrassment; the way her hands had automatically flown up to cover her eyes and how she’d barely managed to turn a rising scream into a squeak instead. Tae-yeon’d slapped the guy on the shoulder, ordering him to get decent and then make himself useful by carrying in the luggage. The guy, Jung Yong-hwa had pushed his hair back, shooting her a grin and a quick bow before running back inside and Tae-yeon unnie had turned to her with a long-suffering look. “That’s Jung Yong-hwa, one of our flatmates. He’s somewhat of a ladies man,” and here, she paused to snort at her own words. “But he’s still a good guy. Just…never mind. Don’t let me scare you off on your first day.”
And so, on that optimistic note, Seo Joo-hyun sat on the sofa of what was to be her home in Seoul for the next four years, watching as a now fully clothed Jung Yong-hwa carried in her belongings, accompanied by another guy, Lee Jong-hyun, Yong-hwa’s best friend and Tae-yeon’s boyfriend, who was also one of her new housemates.
To her immense relief, she learned that they were the only two guys living in this apartment that the five of them would share. Nevertheless, in her first days living in this apartment, it seemed as though they were never short of male company; she met Nick-hun, who lived in the next block and was Tiffany’s boyfriend as well as Lee Jung-shin and Kang Min-hyuk, good friends of Yong-hwa and Jung-shin who lived in another neighborhood, but visited so often that they could possibly be counted as housemates as well.
It’s not that Seo-hyun minded the male species. She’d had some guy friends back in Jeonju, but she never actually had to remain in close proximity with them for extended periods of time. She found herself anxious, tense, her first few days in the apartment, double-checking the lock every time she used the toilet and remaining in her room as much as possible. Between her two male housemates, Jong-hyun was quiet and reticent, which suited her just fine since it meant that he would keep to his business and she to hers.
It was Jung Yong-hwa who made her nervous.
Perhaps, out of some surprising sensitivity to her unease, she never saw him walking around the house half clothed again. Still, it was his friendliness-or perhaps, overfriendliness that she shied away from. He was always there, wanting to know about her day, wanting her to hear this new song that he’d composed, begging her to make him something delicious for dinner. He seemed blithely unaware of the awakwardness that she felt around him, the way she would cringe when he slung an arm around her shoulder and try to shake it off without being obvious or rude. It wasn’t that Yong-hwa was being pushy, that much she knew. It was just his personality; he was bright, cheerful, amiable, sometimes even borderlining on flirtatiousness and she found it difficult to adjust.
She eventually brought it up to Tiffany unnie, who’d nodded understandingly, having roomed with Jung Yong-hwa for a year longer than Tae-yeon.
“Yong-hwa is like that,” Tiffany began. “He used to do all that to me too, but I knew he wasn’t interested in me. We were just good friends. Close friends. We still are of course but he stopped all that once Nick-hun and I started going out. Just know that Yong-hwa isn't interested in you like that, even if he does all that. It just means he sees you as a good friend.”
She bit her lip, but listened as her unnie continued.
“I know this is a huge change for you, Seo-hyunnie. Living with guys and all.” Her unnie’s eyes are gentle and sympathetic. “But sometimes, life gives us these opportunities so that we can change, perhaps even for the better. Life isn’t meant for us to be the same people forever, right?”
She nods, knowing what her unnie is getting at. Tiffany is right. Seo-hyun might not know how to interact with guys well, but perhaps this living situation is an opportunity for her to learn, for her to change, to learn to be more open and let people (of the opposite sex, particularly) into her life. So she makes an effort.
Instead of retreating to her room right after dinner, she sits at the dining table, sharing cups of tea with Lee Jong-hyun, carrying out conversations in initially halting, but gradually fluent Japanese. When Nick-hun or Jung-shin or Min-hyuk stop by with snacks, she joins them all in the living room, listening quietly to their jokes and banter, interjecting once or twice but mostly content to listen.
She tries, with Jung Yong-hwa too.
She listens patiently to snatches of melodies and suggests possible lyrics. She tells him about her day, her classes, the new friends she’s making. She accompanies him for cups of coffee at the nearby café (although she opts to drink tea instead). And along the way, she finds herself opening up to him in a way she never expected she would. She finds something in Jung Yong-hwa, something beyond his superficial flirtatiousness, something serious and passionate, about music, about his family, about his friends. She finds herself trusting him, turning to him almost automatically at the end of a hard day. She even begins to nag at him, expounding on the demerits of drinking too much coffee and insisting that he switch to citron tea, which he does with good humor. It is an unlikely friendship that springs up between the two of them.
So when she finds out that she’s somehow, crazily enough, fallen for him, she panics.
She’s known from the start that Jung Yong-hwa is good-looking; he is tall and lean, and while he doesn’t work out regularly, lugging around musical instruments have helped him keep his shape and even hone his arms. (Not that she notices of course.) Coupled with his outgoing personality, his musical skills and even his university major (Law), he’s more or less one of the more sought after guys on campus and she knows that. She knows that in the way that girls giggle when he picks up their drinks at the café, throwing them winks which make them dissolve into further flurries of giggles. She knows that in the side-eye glances she can feel levelled her way when he drops her off at her classes in the morning or when they head out for lunch together. She’s even had girls come up to her before, demanding to know if she’s really living together with Jung Yong-hwa, asking who is she to him.
She doesn’t miss their look of relief or satisfaction when she tells them that they’re just roommates.
She sees all this and knows who Jung Yong-hwa is: a 'flowerboy' who tends to come off as a flirt. Yet, these girls both know and don’t know Jung Yong-hwa, she thinks. Sure, he’s good-looking, talented and outgoing, but they’ve never seen Yong-hwa, sitting so still and silent in his room, wondering if he should give up music because its never going to lead him anywhere. (She talks him out of it of course, because it’s a stupid idea and he and the other boys are actually really good and they should play music because they love it first and foremost.) They’ve never seen Jung Yong-hwa come back, drunk and completely banjaxed out of his skull after a bad breakup, or held him over the toilet as he threw his guts up. They’ve never seen Jung Yong-hwa, sick and short-tempered with everyone, sitting with a perpetual frown on his face as he whines about going to the doctor.
And yet, in spite of all of that, she likes him. (Maybe even loves him, but she’s not going to admit that to herself, much less him.)
Maybe its because she’s seen all these shortcomings, that she likes him all the more, because in spite of all these, Jung Yong-hwa is wonderfully kind, patient and understanding even when she’s unreasonable, foolish and nagging at him for the millionth time.
That doesn’t mean she’s got to be like all those other girls though, leaving him notes, or chocolates, or baked goods, or CDs. In fact, she’s determined to be the very opposite.
She keeps everything between them as light as she possibly can, which means no awkward moments, no discussing of anything remotely related to love and relationships, no long silences in which he might find out her secret. She tries not to show how his touches affect her, instead resorting to light slaps and jabs in his ribs if he gets too close for comfort. (He always does.)
Of course, nothing can remain a secret for long; she finally spills the beans at the end of her first year to Hyo-yeon, her best friend whom she met in an elective course. Nothing escapes the eagle-eyed glances of her unnies as well, especially since they all live in the same house, but she makes them swear not to tell which they solemnly promise not to do.
Yong-hwa, true to form, notices nothing and she is hugely relieved. Maybe she’ll even be able to make it to her final year and graduate without him ever knowing.
Hyo-yeon, Tae-yeon and Tiffany continually encourage her to tell him, but she refuses. It has to do partly with the fact that she’s never considered herself the type to boldly confess her feelings to a guy, but a larger part of her refusal stems from the fact that Yong-hwa just doesn’t see her in that light. Tiffany unnie’s words continually return to remind her that Yong-hwa is only like that with his close friends, that he doesn’t mean anything else by it and she treasures his friendship deeply. There is no reason to ruin an already good thing, she tells herself, over and over again until she believes it.
Her second year passes without much event, and she breathes a sigh of relief at the start of her third year because this is Yong-hwa’s final year, and she is so close to leaving him, to leaving all this behind. Maybe one day, when she’s over all of this, she’ll tell him and they can have a good laugh about this as close friends.
Of course, third year is the year where everything changes.
It all begins with a party.
Tiffany unnie bounces into her room, the night that finals are over, eyes sparkling. “What’re you doing tonight, maknae?”
She sets down the book she is reading, patting the side of her bed on which she’s currently sitting and Tiffany doesn’t need more encouragement; she plops down without much ceremony. “I don’t know unnie. I thought I’d just get some sleep, catch up on some reading. Why?”
Tiffany takes her hand, and only then does she comprehend that glint in her unnie’s eye that can only mean something bad. “Let’s go, Seo-hyun ah. It’s tonight.”
She lets out a groan in spite of herself, flopping face forward onto her bed and Tiffany laughs. “Look at you maknae.” Her voice is teasing, yet fond. “Anyone would think that I was torturing you by asking you to go to a party.”
“Maybe it is,” She mumbles, before sitting up abruptly. There’s still hope for her yet, Tiffany unnie can be reasoned with. “Please, unnie. Another time. I promise. Just not tonight, please.”
But Tiffany’s grip on her wrist is iron-clad now, and one look at the determination washing over the features of her unnie alerts her to the fact that the inevitable has come and that she can no longer put it off. “No, Seo-hyun ah.” Tiffany’s voice is stern, forbidding. “You’ve begged out of all the parties this year. It’s the last party of the semester, to celebrate finals being over. No one is at home now except you-I’m not going to leave you behind in an empty house while everyone is out having fun!”
Her unnie has a point, she concedes and leans over to where her phone is placed on her bedside table. There is only one message from Hyo-yeon, asking if she is going to the party tonight, but none from Yong-hwa. She’d texted him after her last paper in the afternoon, asking if he wanted to go for a cup of tea, but there’d been no reply even after all this time. This silence is unusual; Yong-hwa always replies to her messages even if he’s in class or band rehearsal, but she figures he’s probably celebrating the end of his own finals and forgot to reply. Maybe he’s even at this party now.
Tiffany, on the other hand, bounces up and down on her bed impatiently. “Is that Hyo-yeon? She told me she’d be coming tonight too.”
She nods. “Where are Tae-yeon unnie and Jong-hyun oppa?”
“Out on a date.” Tiffany supplies. “They said they’d drop by the party later too, if they felt like it but I doubt it. They’re terrible homebodies. But at least,” and here, her unnie levels a stern look at her. “They’re out now, which counts for something, unlike someone who came home straight after her paper and has been in her room until-”
She holds up her hand, halting Tiffany in the middle of her tirade. Well. Her luck was only going to hold up this much and she does feel like celebrating properly. “Okay, okay, unnie. Let’s just go to the party.”
Tiffany claps her hands together. “Really? Great.” The glint in her eye doesn’t disappear though; it only becomes more pronounced and she watches her unnie with mounting trepidation. “But I’m going to pick out your clothes and do your make-up properly. No arguments.”
She sighs, putting her hands in her unnie’s for Tiffany to hoist her up off the bed, but smiling all the same. “Yes, unnie. Just… nothing too revealing, right?”
Tiffany smiles, a small secret smile. “Of course.”
That's how she finds herself perched on the edge of a side table a few hours later, pretending to nurse a now-empty cup of juice which Nick-hun oppa had kindly gotten for her before disappearing into the crowd with Tiffany. Hyo-yeon had been standing there with her for an hour, the two of them talking, before her best friend had spotted a few course mates in the crowd and she’d not returned since then. Jung-shin and Min-hyuk, in their brief circulation of the room, stopped to talk to her for a bit, which she was grateful for, but they’re gone now. She’s not seen any sign of Tae-yeon unnie and Jong-hyun oppa, which only fortifies her suspicion that they decided to skip out on the party. Lucky them, she thinks with an inward sigh, looking up.
She’s caught a few glimpses of Yong-hwa oppa since arriving at the party; he’d been trapped in the thick of the crowd, so he raised his hand in greeting, motioning that he’d come over and say hi in a bit.
He hasn’t been able to make his way over for the past hour, which she notes with a little bit of irritation, but pushes it away. Yong-hwa oppa is popular, she admits. He probably knows a good majority of people here and her thoughts are confirmed when she sees him moving around from group to group, making jokes and speaking to different people with that bright grin on his face.
Still…
She shakes her head. She’s not Yong-hwa oppa’s anything. He doesn’t have to take care of her; she can very well take care of herself, even at a party like this. She opens the tiny bag that Tiffany unnie loaned her, taking out her phone to check the time. 1 a.m. She wonders if its bad form to yawn at a party, and then longingly, casts a look at the open door. Maybe she can leave in fifteen minutes. She can say she has a headache and wants to go home…
“Seo-hyun? Is that you?”
She turns her head and weaving through the crowd is Lee-teuk oppa, another older guy friend from her major, International Studies, making his way towards her with a surprised grin on his face. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”
“Hi oppa.” She greets, trying to make herself heard above the thudding music. “I know, I was forced by Tiffany unnie to come.”
“Can I get you a drink?” Lee-teuk oppa offers, plucking her empty cup from where it’s sitting on the side table. “Beer?”
She hesitates, wants to tell him she doesn’t drink, but truth be told, she’s tired. Tired of being the odd one out, of drinking juice while everyone is getting progressively drunker around her. She can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for Nick-hun oppa to find her that juice initially, and she doesn’t want to put Lee-teuk oppa through that same kind of trouble. Besides, she can just hold it in her hand and not drink it, right? “Okay,” she finds herself agreeing.
Lee-teuk nods, motioning for her to wait a bit while he disappears into the surging bodies. Its then that she spots Yong-hwa oppa, looking at her through a break in the crowd and oddly enough, any of the earlier merriment on his face is completely gone. He looks so serious, she thinks, bewildered. She wonders if anything has happened in the past hour and so she gestures for him to come over, so that they can talk, but Yong-hwa oppa does something unexpected.
He looks away, makes one last joke, before sliding away into the crowd and she loses him.
She knows he saw her. She knows he did.
So why did he just ignore her?
She bites her lip (even though Tiffany unnie sternly instructed her against it for fear of smudging her lipstick) but Lee-teuk oppa is back then, carrying a fresh cup of beer for her. “Thank you, oppa.” She manages, putting it to her lips to take a tiny sip. The beer is cold, fizzy and the froth is soft against her lips, though she is surprised by its bitterness.
“Let me guess, this is your first time drinking beer.” Lee-teuk guesses.
She smiles, wryly. “Is it that obvious?”
“No,” Lee-teuk oppa returns her smile. “I just didn’t think you were the kind of person to drink at all. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of you if you get drunk.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen tonight,” she laughs, but already she is feeling better, from the company, from the kindness of Lee-teuk oppa who is also pretty well-known on campus and yet is standing here in a corner talking to her. Lee-teuk oppa is sweet like that, she thinks, always looking out for others, taking care of them, and just like that, her spirits lift.
They talk for a bit about what Lee-teuk oppa is planning to do after graduation, what she's doing for the holidays and halfway through their conversation, another coursemate of hers, Kyu-hyun shows up and joins in. The three of them discuss next year's classes-- well, she and Kyu-hyun do, while Lee-teuk oppa advises them on which classes to take, which professors to avoid and the like, but the conversation soon segues away from school. She finds herself laughing at the funny stories the both guys share about life in the dorms-- Kyu-hyun bemoans the tricks played on him when he first arrived by the eight other guys he shares the dormitory apartment (Lee-teuk oppa included) and she gasps at the horrible things that boys can dream up and do to one another in the name of jokes.
Over Lee-teuk oppa's shoulder, she ocassionally catches glimpses of Yong-hwa, but his face seems perpetually devoid of any emotion at this point. She frowns, and briefly wonders if she should go over and see what's the matter but she eventually decides against it. Yong-hwa oppa isn't a child; whatever problems he's having, he can probably deal with it on his own. He doesn't need her to come rushing in every time, and thus reassured, she settles in to listen to the hilarious story of how the nine of them living in the same dorm dressed up for Halloween (Lee-teuk confesses to donning a muscle suit to become a pro wrestler and Kyu-hyun actually breaks out his phone to show her photos).
Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, she spots Yong-hwa again but he isn't looking at her. He's heading outside, and she has to crane her neck a little but she can see someone following close behind him. Someone slim, with a head of short curls, and she doesn't have to get a closer look to know who it is. Shin-hye ssi.
She's met Shin-hye ssi a couple of times when Yong-hwa brings her over to the flat. She knows that according to Yong-hwa they are just friends, very close friends ever since Shin-hye lived next door for a year (she stays in the all-girl dorms now). She’s never thought of things like who is the more ‘important’ girl in Yong-hwa’s life-that thought has just never come up, surprisingly-but she does know that Shin-hye is important to Yong-hwa, perhaps even more so than her since she did come into Yong-hwa's life later.
She watches them exit the room but all of a sudden, she’s surprised by the overwhelming sour taste at the back of her throat, which probably isn’t from the beer. She shakes her head; this is dumb. Shin-hye ssi is probably the best person to help Yong-hwa sort out his issues, she tells herself. She can’t always be there for Yong-hwa, nor should she always have to be.
Lee-teuk oppa excuses himself eventually, but she and Kyu-hyun chat on. He admits that he too, was forced to this party by his brothers from the dorm, and she laughs, confessing the same. In many ways, she thinks, this could have been all different. She could have fallen in love with Kyu-hyun, whom she gets along great with. In the years that they've been studying in the same course, he's proven himself a dedicated friend, sweet and thoughtful. Just the kind of guy any girl would be more than happy to date.
It's just that he isn't Jung Yong-hwa.
She realizes her thoughts have been wandering and snaps back to their conversation, sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Kyu-hyun. I lost you for a minute. What did you say?"
In the other room, someone cranks the volume even higher and she winces at the bass which seems to be shaking the whole room at this point. She is tempted to cover her ears with her hands but eventually decides against it. Kyu-hyun looks around too at the increased sound, but turns back to her, leaning in closer to shout in her ear so that she can actually hear him. "Nothing! I just wanted to say that you look really pretty tonight, Seo-hyun ah."
She blushes, looking down and fingering the hem of the dress Tiffany unnie loaned her for tonight. It is a soft lilac chiffon number, and while it might be a little more low-cut and figure-hugging than the dresses she usually wears, she has to admit she does feel pretty in it. To accompany the demure vibe of the dress, Tiffany unnie had done her make-up minimally, swiping her eyes with eyeliner and opting for peachy colors for her cheeks and lips. While she might stand out from the rest of the party-goers, who are clad in tighter, bright bandage dresses and boast of dramatic make-up, she likes it. It feels more like her. “Thank you, Kyu-hyun.”
He frowns, tilting his head towards her. “What?” He shouts.
She shakes her head, leaning in to repeat herself louder this time, “I said, thank you!”
Kyu-hyun winces, stumbling slightly forward as someone pushes past him and without thinking, she lifts her hand to brace against his shoulder so that he can keep his balance. Kyu-hyun smiles his thanks, frowning at the person who just passed by and she realizes that its suddenly getting a lot more crowded for some weird reason. It must already be 2am, but the party shows no signs of winding down at all. She exchanges looks with Kyu-hyun, sighing and shrugging as if to say, what can they do.
Kyu-hyun leans in again. “Hey, do you want to get out of here? It feels like there’s too many people to carry on a proper conversation. We could go grab some coffee somewhere.”
She nods in agreement, but someone knocks into her shoulder, almost sending her off-balance and Kyu-hyun doubles back to shout into her ear. “Hey, hold onto my wrist okay? There’s so many people in here.”
She smiles to show she’s heard. He’s right; a whole new group of people have arrived, shouting, greeting people in the room and she winces at the way in which the noise level just automatically rackets. She wraps her fingers around Kyu-hyun’s wrist, letting him lead her through the crowd, trying to avoid arms, elbows that jab into her as she weaves her way through the press of bodies. There is no sign of Tiffany unnie or Hyo-yeon, but she decides she’ll text them once she’s outside to let them know she’s leaving; it would be madness to try find them in this mess. Maybe Yong-hwa oppa will still be outside with Shin-hye, she thinks. She can get him to pass on the message.
Miraculously, they make it out the door without getting trampled and she breathes in deeply once the cold air from the outside hits her. She hadn’t realized how stuffy it was in there and she takes in a second deep breath, grinning at Kyu-hyun as she releases his wrist. “Thanks for leading me in there. It was getting a bit crazy.”
She doesn’t see any of it coming.
Suddenly, Yong-hwa oppa is there and he no longer looks serious, but displeased. He takes her hand, pulling her down the stairs and onto the pavement. “There you are. I’ve been looking for you all night. It’s past your curfew. Lets go home.”
“Seo-hyun?” She hears Kyu-hyun right on her heels and she turns her head to look at him, trying futilely to pull her hand from Yong-hwa’s.
“Oppa, what are you doing?”
Yong-hwa comes to a sudden halt and she almost collides with him, but Kyu-hyun has caught up with them, facing Yong-hwa oppa.
“Oh its you, Kyu-hyun.” Yong-hwa oppa’s words are casual, but there is no trace of pleasantness behind them. “I’m sorry to cut in like this, but Seo-hyun’s supposed to be home right now. Thanks for watching out for her tonight.”
He doesn’t sound in the slightest bit sorry at all.
She gapes at the absurdity of his words; first, what does he mean she’s supposed to be at home right now? They didn’t even come together; he doesn’t have any say over what time she should or shouldn’t come home. Second, he’s been looking for her all night? She recalls him ignoring her, heading back into the crowd with nary a hello or a greeting and she fumes, struggling to pull her hand free from him but he’s not letting go.
Kyu-hyun, perhaps clued in by her look of indignation and the fact that she’s trying to separate herself from Yong-hwa, doesn’t budge. “I don’t think so, hyung. We were supposed to go for coffee.” She notes that all pleasantness has dropped off from Kyu-hyun’s features and there is a mounting tension in the air between the two boys that makes her pause in her bid to get her hand back. What is this?
She feels completely blind-sided, but Yong-hwa is evidently not so much at a loss for words. “I’m sorry that I’ve to take Seo-hyun like this. Have a coffee together another time.” His words are getting more and more clipped and he grips her hand with so much force it feels like he’s cutting off the blood circulation in her entire arm. “Goodnight, Kyu-hyun.”
And just like that he’s dragging her behind him again, and she manages to turn her head one last time to see Kyu-hyun standing there in the middle of the pavement, watching them, evidently at a loss to if he should go after them. With her free hand, she mimes that she’ll call him, attempting to signal with her eyes that she’ll be fine and then Yong-hwa pulls her around a corner, and Kyu-hyun vanishes from sight.
This is getting ridiculous, she thinks, and so she plants Tiffany unnie’s heels firmly, tugging backwards until she manages to rip her hand from his at long last. “Stop it, oppa! What’s wrong with you?”
He turns around then, and even in the dim light of the lamppost. the anger flaring in his eyes is unmistakable. "You're such a fool, Seo-hyun ah. Don't you even know what it means when a guy asks you to go outside during a party?"
She doesn’t know how he overheard, or saw, but she's struck by the unexpected cruelty in his words but they ignite a spark of anger in her too, anger and humiliation at the way he just dragged her out of that house without her consent, like she is a wayward child who needs to be disciplined. "No oppa," her words come out, rough with anger and sarcasm. "Why don't you tell me what happens when guys ask you to go outside?"
He seems taken aback at the way she throws his words back at him, but quickly recovers. "It means they want to get you somewhere quiet, where they can move in on you, take advantage of you." His anger seems to be mounting again as he glares at her. "God, you're such a fool, don't you know anything?"
"Like how you went outside with Shin-hye ssi just now?" She counters, and she feels just the slightest bit triumphant at the shock in his eyes. She presses her advantage, "Yes, I saw you. So did you take her outside to move in on her? To take advantage of her?"
He sputters and for a moment, she feels a mean glow of pleasure that she has the upper hand in their argument. "Shin-hye and I are just close friends..."
"As are Kyu-hyun and I." She interjects.
"It's different!" He interrupts, running his hand through his perfectly waxed hair, messing it up. "Kyu-hyun is a guy."
"And you're not?" She throws back at him.
"No. I mean yes, but we're different." He returns heatedly. "Look, I know you think Kyu-hyun is this perfect guy who is innocent and all but he's not, okay? Trust me. You've never had a boyfriend before, never been in a relationship before, and I know his motives and I just don't want you falling into his trap."
Her hands tremble, and she fists them by her side, staring at him in silence. His words play in her head, slowly until the meaning behind them becomes all too clear, staring her right in the face, cruel like daylight and she is stunned by the sudden heat in her eyes.
"So what you're saying is that I'm stupid."
His eyes fly back up at her words and he opens his mouth to reply but she cuts him off. The tears are certain, welling up in her eyes but she pushes on. "You think I'm Seo Joo-hyun, the boyfriend-less innocent girl who knows nothing about boys and therefore I’m an easy target for any boy. Am I right?"
His silence hurts her, more than if he would have protested, and a tear finally escapes, slipping down her cheek and her next words are no more than a harsh breath. "Because, God forbid that any boy might actually like me, Seo Joo-hyun. No. I’m just an easy conquest, so innocent and guileless and foolish and," Here her voice breaks but she forces herself to go on. “I won’t even know the difference, because I’d be too pleased to have any boy pay attention to me at all. Is that what you really think of me, oppa?”
He is silent once again and she coughs, swiping wildly at the tears that are coming down fiercely at this point. She tries to finish her little speech calmly, but chokes on her words mid-sob. "I had no idea that's how you thought of me, oppa. That I'm a foolish idiot who doesn't know any better." The word oppa is sour in her mouth and she wants to gag, wants to throw up, wants to sleep and pretend that this night is only just a terrible nightmare. Instead, through blurred vision she sees him look up at her, with dark, fierce eyes, hands stuffed in his pockets, slouching as if he doesn't care that he just took her heart and stomped all over it.
"That isn't what I said," he says eventually. "And you know it."
And just like that the anger flares up all over again, and she lets out a cold, bitter laugh. "You might as well have." She says, ignoring the tears now. Its strange, she thinks, facing him off but suddenly, she feels every inch of the distance between them and her heart just hurts so badly. "I don't think your problem is with Kyu-hyun or Lee-teuk oppa, or any other guy even."
She looks him straight in the eye then. "Here's your problem Jung Yong-hwa. You think I'm always going to be around, even when Shin-hye ssi is gone. You think I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what, faithful patient little Seo-hyun who'll always be around to listen to your songs or make you dinner or talk you into drinking tea."
"You're so selfish, oppa." She whispers and she sees him flinch but she presses on. It's as if she's seeing this side of him so clearly for the first time, this mean, cruel Jung Yong-hwa who thinks of her in such a poor light. "Selfish to think that I'm always going to be there when you need someone to go out with or make dinner for you. Because I'm not." She shakes her head wordlessly, and her tears fly, a perfect drop hitting her arm. “I’m not.”
Her heart is so immeasurably painful at this point, so heavy and she suddenly becomes terribly aware of the lightness of her head, the painful pinch of her toes in this heels and its all too much. She just needs to be away, she needs to go somewhere into the dark where Jung Yong-hwa’s face and words can be obscured, where she can lie down and cry because all of it hurts. She steps past him, and finally, finally, his hand comes up to grasp her forearm, stopping her. “Wait, Seo-hyun ah.”
It’s funny, she thinks in some corner of her mind that is removed from all this drama. Each of his touches always made her feel like smiling, like she would melt somehow like a snowman in the sun, but now, she just doesn’t feel any of it. It feels like he’s grabbing onto smoke; she’s disappearing, vanishing. "Please." She barely manages through numb lips. "I just don't, I just can't be in the same place as you. Just. Please."
He lets go of her and she drifts away, but the tears are real and wet on her cheeks and they shine brilliantly in the shafts of lamplight.
A/N: I just wanted to insert a tiny note here to say that I am overwhelmed, honored and flattered by the comments that you guys have been leaving behind for me. I know a lot of you have been asking for continuations of certain universes, and of course, its my wish to do exactly that as well. However, I always feel like I write better when I receive certain inspiration and I haven't exactly felt that inspiration for all the universes/AUs that I've written about in the prompts. (I wish I did, but I have no say over these things.) So, of course, I'll take all your requests into consideration, but I just felt like I wanted to leave a note to explain why I cannot promise everyone a continuation of the AU/universe they love. I am already incredibly honored that you love the glimpse of the universe that I have provided in the prompt and perhaps, these little glimpses will serve as fodder for your own imagination/fic in time to come.
Okay, this note has gotten out of hand. On with what you all are here for: the fic. (For those unclear, this is a continuation of the prompt that I filled, called "Domestic Bliss" which you can read here.)
She doesn’t know how she ended up falling for Jung Yong-hwa of all people.
She suspects it stems from a very simple reason: the fact that they live together.
To begin with, she’d never wanted to stay in a co-ed homeshare, even promised her parents that she wouldn’t share a flat with guys. She blames it on Tae-yeon and Tiffany unnie-- she knows Tae-yeon from their hometown, Jeonju and Tiffany unnie she met through Tae-yeon upon arriving in Seoul. Still, she can’t let the unnies take all the blame, she admits as she thinks back on the incident. She’d arrived in Seoul to learn that the girl-only dormitories were packed to full, and housing anywhere in the city could only be accompanied by an astronomical rent. Her parents weren’t exactly poor, but neither were their finances in great shape and that’s where Tae-yeon unnie stepped in, offering her a room in a shared flat.
She’d assumed, mistakenly that it was an all-girls living situation-Tae-yeon unnie had gone to the same all-girls high school with her in Jeonju and Tae-yeon never said a single thing about their housemates, only that they were nice people, some of the nicest people you could meet in Seoul. She wasn’t wrong.
Tae-yeon had just neglected to mention that some of these nicest people comprised of guys.
So imagine her surprise when Tae-yeon had taken her back to the flat, only for a shirtless guy to open the door for them.
That was Seo-hyun’s first introduction to the one and only Jung Yong-hwa.
She remembers that day with some embarrassment; the way her hands had automatically flown up to cover her eyes and how she’d barely managed to turn a rising scream into a squeak instead. Tae-yeon’d slapped the guy on the shoulder, ordering him to get decent and then make himself useful by carrying in the luggage. The guy, Jung Yong-hwa had pushed his hair back, shooting her a grin and a quick bow before running back inside and Tae-yeon unnie had turned to her with a long-suffering look. “That’s Jung Yong-hwa, one of our flatmates. He’s somewhat of a ladies man,” and here, she paused to snort at her own words. “But he’s still a good guy. Just…never mind. Don’t let me scare you off on your first day.”
And so, on that optimistic note, Seo Joo-hyun sat on the sofa of what was to be her home in Seoul for the next four years, watching as a now fully clothed Jung Yong-hwa carried in her belongings, accompanied by another guy, Lee Jong-hyun, Yong-hwa’s best friend and Tae-yeon’s boyfriend, who was also one of her new housemates.
To her immense relief, she learned that they were the only two guys living in this apartment that the five of them would share. Nevertheless, in her first days living in this apartment, it seemed as though they were never short of male company; she met Nick-hun, who lived in the next block and was Tiffany’s boyfriend as well as Lee Jung-shin and Kang Min-hyuk, good friends of Yong-hwa and Jung-shin who lived in another neighborhood, but visited so often that they could possibly be counted as housemates as well.
It’s not that Seo-hyun minded the male species. She’d had some guy friends back in Jeonju, but she never actually had to remain in close proximity with them for extended periods of time. She found herself anxious, tense, her first few days in the apartment, double-checking the lock every time she used the toilet and remaining in her room as much as possible. Between her two male housemates, Jong-hyun was quiet and reticent, which suited her just fine since it meant that he would keep to his business and she to hers.
It was Jung Yong-hwa who made her nervous.
Perhaps, out of some surprising sensitivity to her unease, she never saw him walking around the house half clothed again. Still, it was his friendliness-or perhaps, overfriendliness that she shied away from. He was always there, wanting to know about her day, wanting her to hear this new song that he’d composed, begging her to make him something delicious for dinner. He seemed blithely unaware of the awakwardness that she felt around him, the way she would cringe when he slung an arm around her shoulder and try to shake it off without being obvious or rude. It wasn’t that Yong-hwa was being pushy, that much she knew. It was just his personality; he was bright, cheerful, amiable, sometimes even borderlining on flirtatiousness and she found it difficult to adjust.
She eventually brought it up to Tiffany unnie, who’d nodded understandingly, having roomed with Jung Yong-hwa for a year longer than Tae-yeon.
“Yong-hwa is like that,” Tiffany began. “He used to do all that to me too, but I knew he wasn’t interested in me. We were just good friends. Close friends. We still are of course but he stopped all that once Nick-hun and I started going out. Just know that Yong-hwa isn't interested in you like that, even if he does all that. It just means he sees you as a good friend.”
She bit her lip, but listened as her unnie continued.
“I know this is a huge change for you, Seo-hyunnie. Living with guys and all.” Her unnie’s eyes are gentle and sympathetic. “But sometimes, life gives us these opportunities so that we can change, perhaps even for the better. Life isn’t meant for us to be the same people forever, right?”
She nods, knowing what her unnie is getting at. Tiffany is right. Seo-hyun might not know how to interact with guys well, but perhaps this living situation is an opportunity for her to learn, for her to change, to learn to be more open and let people (of the opposite sex, particularly) into her life. So she makes an effort.
Instead of retreating to her room right after dinner, she sits at the dining table, sharing cups of tea with Lee Jong-hyun, carrying out conversations in initially halting, but gradually fluent Japanese. When Nick-hun or Jung-shin or Min-hyuk stop by with snacks, she joins them all in the living room, listening quietly to their jokes and banter, interjecting once or twice but mostly content to listen.
She tries, with Jung Yong-hwa too.
She listens patiently to snatches of melodies and suggests possible lyrics. She tells him about her day, her classes, the new friends she’s making. She accompanies him for cups of coffee at the nearby café (although she opts to drink tea instead). And along the way, she finds herself opening up to him in a way she never expected she would. She finds something in Jung Yong-hwa, something beyond his superficial flirtatiousness, something serious and passionate, about music, about his family, about his friends. She finds herself trusting him, turning to him almost automatically at the end of a hard day. She even begins to nag at him, expounding on the demerits of drinking too much coffee and insisting that he switch to citron tea, which he does with good humor. It is an unlikely friendship that springs up between the two of them.
So when she finds out that she’s somehow, crazily enough, fallen for him, she panics.
She’s known from the start that Jung Yong-hwa is good-looking; he is tall and lean, and while he doesn’t work out regularly, lugging around musical instruments have helped him keep his shape and even hone his arms. (Not that she notices of course.) Coupled with his outgoing personality, his musical skills and even his university major (Law), he’s more or less one of the more sought after guys on campus and she knows that. She knows that in the way that girls giggle when he picks up their drinks at the café, throwing them winks which make them dissolve into further flurries of giggles. She knows that in the side-eye glances she can feel levelled her way when he drops her off at her classes in the morning or when they head out for lunch together. She’s even had girls come up to her before, demanding to know if she’s really living together with Jung Yong-hwa, asking who is she to him.
She doesn’t miss their look of relief or satisfaction when she tells them that they’re just roommates.
She sees all this and knows who Jung Yong-hwa is: a 'flowerboy' who tends to come off as a flirt. Yet, these girls both know and don’t know Jung Yong-hwa, she thinks. Sure, he’s good-looking, talented and outgoing, but they’ve never seen Yong-hwa, sitting so still and silent in his room, wondering if he should give up music because its never going to lead him anywhere. (She talks him out of it of course, because it’s a stupid idea and he and the other boys are actually really good and they should play music because they love it first and foremost.) They’ve never seen Jung Yong-hwa come back, drunk and completely banjaxed out of his skull after a bad breakup, or held him over the toilet as he threw his guts up. They’ve never seen Jung Yong-hwa, sick and short-tempered with everyone, sitting with a perpetual frown on his face as he whines about going to the doctor.
And yet, in spite of all of that, she likes him. (Maybe even loves him, but she’s not going to admit that to herself, much less him.)
Maybe its because she’s seen all these shortcomings, that she likes him all the more, because in spite of all these, Jung Yong-hwa is wonderfully kind, patient and understanding even when she’s unreasonable, foolish and nagging at him for the millionth time.
That doesn’t mean she’s got to be like all those other girls though, leaving him notes, or chocolates, or baked goods, or CDs. In fact, she’s determined to be the very opposite.
She keeps everything between them as light as she possibly can, which means no awkward moments, no discussing of anything remotely related to love and relationships, no long silences in which he might find out her secret. She tries not to show how his touches affect her, instead resorting to light slaps and jabs in his ribs if he gets too close for comfort. (He always does.)
Of course, nothing can remain a secret for long; she finally spills the beans at the end of her first year to Hyo-yeon, her best friend whom she met in an elective course. Nothing escapes the eagle-eyed glances of her unnies as well, especially since they all live in the same house, but she makes them swear not to tell which they solemnly promise not to do.
Yong-hwa, true to form, notices nothing and she is hugely relieved. Maybe she’ll even be able to make it to her final year and graduate without him ever knowing.
Hyo-yeon, Tae-yeon and Tiffany continually encourage her to tell him, but she refuses. It has to do partly with the fact that she’s never considered herself the type to boldly confess her feelings to a guy, but a larger part of her refusal stems from the fact that Yong-hwa just doesn’t see her in that light. Tiffany unnie’s words continually return to remind her that Yong-hwa is only like that with his close friends, that he doesn’t mean anything else by it and she treasures his friendship deeply. There is no reason to ruin an already good thing, she tells herself, over and over again until she believes it.
Her second year passes without much event, and she breathes a sigh of relief at the start of her third year because this is Yong-hwa’s final year, and she is so close to leaving him, to leaving all this behind. Maybe one day, when she’s over all of this, she’ll tell him and they can have a good laugh about this as close friends.
Of course, third year is the year where everything changes.
It all begins with a party.
Tiffany unnie bounces into her room, the night that finals are over, eyes sparkling. “What’re you doing tonight, maknae?”
She sets down the book she is reading, patting the side of her bed on which she’s currently sitting and Tiffany doesn’t need more encouragement; she plops down without much ceremony. “I don’t know unnie. I thought I’d just get some sleep, catch up on some reading. Why?”
Tiffany takes her hand, and only then does she comprehend that glint in her unnie’s eye that can only mean something bad. “Let’s go, Seo-hyun ah. It’s tonight.”
She lets out a groan in spite of herself, flopping face forward onto her bed and Tiffany laughs. “Look at you maknae.” Her voice is teasing, yet fond. “Anyone would think that I was torturing you by asking you to go to a party.”
“Maybe it is,” She mumbles, before sitting up abruptly. There’s still hope for her yet, Tiffany unnie can be reasoned with. “Please, unnie. Another time. I promise. Just not tonight, please.”
But Tiffany’s grip on her wrist is iron-clad now, and one look at the determination washing over the features of her unnie alerts her to the fact that the inevitable has come and that she can no longer put it off. “No, Seo-hyun ah.” Tiffany’s voice is stern, forbidding. “You’ve begged out of all the parties this year. It’s the last party of the semester, to celebrate finals being over. No one is at home now except you-I’m not going to leave you behind in an empty house while everyone is out having fun!”
Her unnie has a point, she concedes and leans over to where her phone is placed on her bedside table. There is only one message from Hyo-yeon, asking if she is going to the party tonight, but none from Yong-hwa. She’d texted him after her last paper in the afternoon, asking if he wanted to go for a cup of tea, but there’d been no reply even after all this time. This silence is unusual; Yong-hwa always replies to her messages even if he’s in class or band rehearsal, but she figures he’s probably celebrating the end of his own finals and forgot to reply. Maybe he’s even at this party now.
Tiffany, on the other hand, bounces up and down on her bed impatiently. “Is that Hyo-yeon? She told me she’d be coming tonight too.”
She nods. “Where are Tae-yeon unnie and Jong-hyun oppa?”
“Out on a date.” Tiffany supplies. “They said they’d drop by the party later too, if they felt like it but I doubt it. They’re terrible homebodies. But at least,” and here, her unnie levels a stern look at her. “They’re out now, which counts for something, unlike someone who came home straight after her paper and has been in her room until-”
She holds up her hand, halting Tiffany in the middle of her tirade. Well. Her luck was only going to hold up this much and she does feel like celebrating properly. “Okay, okay, unnie. Let’s just go to the party.”
Tiffany claps her hands together. “Really? Great.” The glint in her eye doesn’t disappear though; it only becomes more pronounced and she watches her unnie with mounting trepidation. “But I’m going to pick out your clothes and do your make-up properly. No arguments.”
She sighs, putting her hands in her unnie’s for Tiffany to hoist her up off the bed, but smiling all the same. “Yes, unnie. Just… nothing too revealing, right?”
Tiffany smiles, a small secret smile. “Of course.”
That's how she finds herself perched on the edge of a side table a few hours later, pretending to nurse a now-empty cup of juice which Nick-hun oppa had kindly gotten for her before disappearing into the crowd with Tiffany. Hyo-yeon had been standing there with her for an hour, the two of them talking, before her best friend had spotted a few course mates in the crowd and she’d not returned since then. Jung-shin and Min-hyuk, in their brief circulation of the room, stopped to talk to her for a bit, which she was grateful for, but they’re gone now. She’s not seen any sign of Tae-yeon unnie and Jong-hyun oppa, which only fortifies her suspicion that they decided to skip out on the party. Lucky them, she thinks with an inward sigh, looking up.
She’s caught a few glimpses of Yong-hwa oppa since arriving at the party; he’d been trapped in the thick of the crowd, so he raised his hand in greeting, motioning that he’d come over and say hi in a bit.
He hasn’t been able to make his way over for the past hour, which she notes with a little bit of irritation, but pushes it away. Yong-hwa oppa is popular, she admits. He probably knows a good majority of people here and her thoughts are confirmed when she sees him moving around from group to group, making jokes and speaking to different people with that bright grin on his face.
Still…
She shakes her head. She’s not Yong-hwa oppa’s anything. He doesn’t have to take care of her; she can very well take care of herself, even at a party like this. She opens the tiny bag that Tiffany unnie loaned her, taking out her phone to check the time. 1 a.m. She wonders if its bad form to yawn at a party, and then longingly, casts a look at the open door. Maybe she can leave in fifteen minutes. She can say she has a headache and wants to go home…
“Seo-hyun? Is that you?”
She turns her head and weaving through the crowd is Lee-teuk oppa, another older guy friend from her major, International Studies, making his way towards her with a surprised grin on his face. “I didn’t expect to see you here!”
“Hi oppa.” She greets, trying to make herself heard above the thudding music. “I know, I was forced by Tiffany unnie to come.”
“Can I get you a drink?” Lee-teuk oppa offers, plucking her empty cup from where it’s sitting on the side table. “Beer?”
She hesitates, wants to tell him she doesn’t drink, but truth be told, she’s tired. Tired of being the odd one out, of drinking juice while everyone is getting progressively drunker around her. She can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for Nick-hun oppa to find her that juice initially, and she doesn’t want to put Lee-teuk oppa through that same kind of trouble. Besides, she can just hold it in her hand and not drink it, right? “Okay,” she finds herself agreeing.
Lee-teuk nods, motioning for her to wait a bit while he disappears into the surging bodies. Its then that she spots Yong-hwa oppa, looking at her through a break in the crowd and oddly enough, any of the earlier merriment on his face is completely gone. He looks so serious, she thinks, bewildered. She wonders if anything has happened in the past hour and so she gestures for him to come over, so that they can talk, but Yong-hwa oppa does something unexpected.
He looks away, makes one last joke, before sliding away into the crowd and she loses him.
She knows he saw her. She knows he did.
So why did he just ignore her?
She bites her lip (even though Tiffany unnie sternly instructed her against it for fear of smudging her lipstick) but Lee-teuk oppa is back then, carrying a fresh cup of beer for her. “Thank you, oppa.” She manages, putting it to her lips to take a tiny sip. The beer is cold, fizzy and the froth is soft against her lips, though she is surprised by its bitterness.
“Let me guess, this is your first time drinking beer.” Lee-teuk guesses.
She smiles, wryly. “Is it that obvious?”
“No,” Lee-teuk oppa returns her smile. “I just didn’t think you were the kind of person to drink at all. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of you if you get drunk.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen tonight,” she laughs, but already she is feeling better, from the company, from the kindness of Lee-teuk oppa who is also pretty well-known on campus and yet is standing here in a corner talking to her. Lee-teuk oppa is sweet like that, she thinks, always looking out for others, taking care of them, and just like that, her spirits lift.
They talk for a bit about what Lee-teuk oppa is planning to do after graduation, what she's doing for the holidays and halfway through their conversation, another coursemate of hers, Kyu-hyun shows up and joins in. The three of them discuss next year's classes-- well, she and Kyu-hyun do, while Lee-teuk oppa advises them on which classes to take, which professors to avoid and the like, but the conversation soon segues away from school. She finds herself laughing at the funny stories the both guys share about life in the dorms-- Kyu-hyun bemoans the tricks played on him when he first arrived by the eight other guys he shares the dormitory apartment (Lee-teuk oppa included) and she gasps at the horrible things that boys can dream up and do to one another in the name of jokes.
Over Lee-teuk oppa's shoulder, she ocassionally catches glimpses of Yong-hwa, but his face seems perpetually devoid of any emotion at this point. She frowns, and briefly wonders if she should go over and see what's the matter but she eventually decides against it. Yong-hwa oppa isn't a child; whatever problems he's having, he can probably deal with it on his own. He doesn't need her to come rushing in every time, and thus reassured, she settles in to listen to the hilarious story of how the nine of them living in the same dorm dressed up for Halloween (Lee-teuk confesses to donning a muscle suit to become a pro wrestler and Kyu-hyun actually breaks out his phone to show her photos).
Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, she spots Yong-hwa again but he isn't looking at her. He's heading outside, and she has to crane her neck a little but she can see someone following close behind him. Someone slim, with a head of short curls, and she doesn't have to get a closer look to know who it is. Shin-hye ssi.
She's met Shin-hye ssi a couple of times when Yong-hwa brings her over to the flat. She knows that according to Yong-hwa they are just friends, very close friends ever since Shin-hye lived next door for a year (she stays in the all-girl dorms now). She’s never thought of things like who is the more ‘important’ girl in Yong-hwa’s life-that thought has just never come up, surprisingly-but she does know that Shin-hye is important to Yong-hwa, perhaps even more so than her since she did come into Yong-hwa's life later.
She watches them exit the room but all of a sudden, she’s surprised by the overwhelming sour taste at the back of her throat, which probably isn’t from the beer. She shakes her head; this is dumb. Shin-hye ssi is probably the best person to help Yong-hwa sort out his issues, she tells herself. She can’t always be there for Yong-hwa, nor should she always have to be.
Lee-teuk oppa excuses himself eventually, but she and Kyu-hyun chat on. He admits that he too, was forced to this party by his brothers from the dorm, and she laughs, confessing the same. In many ways, she thinks, this could have been all different. She could have fallen in love with Kyu-hyun, whom she gets along great with. In the years that they've been studying in the same course, he's proven himself a dedicated friend, sweet and thoughtful. Just the kind of guy any girl would be more than happy to date.
It's just that he isn't Jung Yong-hwa.
She realizes her thoughts have been wandering and snaps back to their conversation, sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Kyu-hyun. I lost you for a minute. What did you say?"
In the other room, someone cranks the volume even higher and she winces at the bass which seems to be shaking the whole room at this point. She is tempted to cover her ears with her hands but eventually decides against it. Kyu-hyun looks around too at the increased sound, but turns back to her, leaning in closer to shout in her ear so that she can actually hear him. "Nothing! I just wanted to say that you look really pretty tonight, Seo-hyun ah."
She blushes, looking down and fingering the hem of the dress Tiffany unnie loaned her for tonight. It is a soft lilac chiffon number, and while it might be a little more low-cut and figure-hugging than the dresses she usually wears, she has to admit she does feel pretty in it. To accompany the demure vibe of the dress, Tiffany unnie had done her make-up minimally, swiping her eyes with eyeliner and opting for peachy colors for her cheeks and lips. While she might stand out from the rest of the party-goers, who are clad in tighter, bright bandage dresses and boast of dramatic make-up, she likes it. It feels more like her. “Thank you, Kyu-hyun.”
He frowns, tilting his head towards her. “What?” He shouts.
She shakes her head, leaning in to repeat herself louder this time, “I said, thank you!”
Kyu-hyun winces, stumbling slightly forward as someone pushes past him and without thinking, she lifts her hand to brace against his shoulder so that he can keep his balance. Kyu-hyun smiles his thanks, frowning at the person who just passed by and she realizes that its suddenly getting a lot more crowded for some weird reason. It must already be 2am, but the party shows no signs of winding down at all. She exchanges looks with Kyu-hyun, sighing and shrugging as if to say, what can they do.
Kyu-hyun leans in again. “Hey, do you want to get out of here? It feels like there’s too many people to carry on a proper conversation. We could go grab some coffee somewhere.”
She nods in agreement, but someone knocks into her shoulder, almost sending her off-balance and Kyu-hyun doubles back to shout into her ear. “Hey, hold onto my wrist okay? There’s so many people in here.”
She smiles to show she’s heard. He’s right; a whole new group of people have arrived, shouting, greeting people in the room and she winces at the way in which the noise level just automatically rackets. She wraps her fingers around Kyu-hyun’s wrist, letting him lead her through the crowd, trying to avoid arms, elbows that jab into her as she weaves her way through the press of bodies. There is no sign of Tiffany unnie or Hyo-yeon, but she decides she’ll text them once she’s outside to let them know she’s leaving; it would be madness to try find them in this mess. Maybe Yong-hwa oppa will still be outside with Shin-hye, she thinks. She can get him to pass on the message.
Miraculously, they make it out the door without getting trampled and she breathes in deeply once the cold air from the outside hits her. She hadn’t realized how stuffy it was in there and she takes in a second deep breath, grinning at Kyu-hyun as she releases his wrist. “Thanks for leading me in there. It was getting a bit crazy.”
She doesn’t see any of it coming.
Suddenly, Yong-hwa oppa is there and he no longer looks serious, but displeased. He takes her hand, pulling her down the stairs and onto the pavement. “There you are. I’ve been looking for you all night. It’s past your curfew. Lets go home.”
“Seo-hyun?” She hears Kyu-hyun right on her heels and she turns her head to look at him, trying futilely to pull her hand from Yong-hwa’s.
“Oppa, what are you doing?”
Yong-hwa comes to a sudden halt and she almost collides with him, but Kyu-hyun has caught up with them, facing Yong-hwa oppa.
“Oh its you, Kyu-hyun.” Yong-hwa oppa’s words are casual, but there is no trace of pleasantness behind them. “I’m sorry to cut in like this, but Seo-hyun’s supposed to be home right now. Thanks for watching out for her tonight.”
He doesn’t sound in the slightest bit sorry at all.
She gapes at the absurdity of his words; first, what does he mean she’s supposed to be at home right now? They didn’t even come together; he doesn’t have any say over what time she should or shouldn’t come home. Second, he’s been looking for her all night? She recalls him ignoring her, heading back into the crowd with nary a hello or a greeting and she fumes, struggling to pull her hand free from him but he’s not letting go.
Kyu-hyun, perhaps clued in by her look of indignation and the fact that she’s trying to separate herself from Yong-hwa, doesn’t budge. “I don’t think so, hyung. We were supposed to go for coffee.” She notes that all pleasantness has dropped off from Kyu-hyun’s features and there is a mounting tension in the air between the two boys that makes her pause in her bid to get her hand back. What is this?
She feels completely blind-sided, but Yong-hwa is evidently not so much at a loss for words. “I’m sorry that I’ve to take Seo-hyun like this. Have a coffee together another time.” His words are getting more and more clipped and he grips her hand with so much force it feels like he’s cutting off the blood circulation in her entire arm. “Goodnight, Kyu-hyun.”
And just like that he’s dragging her behind him again, and she manages to turn her head one last time to see Kyu-hyun standing there in the middle of the pavement, watching them, evidently at a loss to if he should go after them. With her free hand, she mimes that she’ll call him, attempting to signal with her eyes that she’ll be fine and then Yong-hwa pulls her around a corner, and Kyu-hyun vanishes from sight.
This is getting ridiculous, she thinks, and so she plants Tiffany unnie’s heels firmly, tugging backwards until she manages to rip her hand from his at long last. “Stop it, oppa! What’s wrong with you?”
He turns around then, and even in the dim light of the lamppost. the anger flaring in his eyes is unmistakable. "You're such a fool, Seo-hyun ah. Don't you even know what it means when a guy asks you to go outside during a party?"
She doesn’t know how he overheard, or saw, but she's struck by the unexpected cruelty in his words but they ignite a spark of anger in her too, anger and humiliation at the way he just dragged her out of that house without her consent, like she is a wayward child who needs to be disciplined. "No oppa," her words come out, rough with anger and sarcasm. "Why don't you tell me what happens when guys ask you to go outside?"
He seems taken aback at the way she throws his words back at him, but quickly recovers. "It means they want to get you somewhere quiet, where they can move in on you, take advantage of you." His anger seems to be mounting again as he glares at her. "God, you're such a fool, don't you know anything?"
"Like how you went outside with Shin-hye ssi just now?" She counters, and she feels just the slightest bit triumphant at the shock in his eyes. She presses her advantage, "Yes, I saw you. So did you take her outside to move in on her? To take advantage of her?"
He sputters and for a moment, she feels a mean glow of pleasure that she has the upper hand in their argument. "Shin-hye and I are just close friends..."
"As are Kyu-hyun and I." She interjects.
"It's different!" He interrupts, running his hand through his perfectly waxed hair, messing it up. "Kyu-hyun is a guy."
"And you're not?" She throws back at him.
"No. I mean yes, but we're different." He returns heatedly. "Look, I know you think Kyu-hyun is this perfect guy who is innocent and all but he's not, okay? Trust me. You've never had a boyfriend before, never been in a relationship before, and I know his motives and I just don't want you falling into his trap."
Her hands tremble, and she fists them by her side, staring at him in silence. His words play in her head, slowly until the meaning behind them becomes all too clear, staring her right in the face, cruel like daylight and she is stunned by the sudden heat in her eyes.
"So what you're saying is that I'm stupid."
His eyes fly back up at her words and he opens his mouth to reply but she cuts him off. The tears are certain, welling up in her eyes but she pushes on. "You think I'm Seo Joo-hyun, the boyfriend-less innocent girl who knows nothing about boys and therefore I’m an easy target for any boy. Am I right?"
His silence hurts her, more than if he would have protested, and a tear finally escapes, slipping down her cheek and her next words are no more than a harsh breath. "Because, God forbid that any boy might actually like me, Seo Joo-hyun. No. I’m just an easy conquest, so innocent and guileless and foolish and," Here her voice breaks but she forces herself to go on. “I won’t even know the difference, because I’d be too pleased to have any boy pay attention to me at all. Is that what you really think of me, oppa?”
He is silent once again and she coughs, swiping wildly at the tears that are coming down fiercely at this point. She tries to finish her little speech calmly, but chokes on her words mid-sob. "I had no idea that's how you thought of me, oppa. That I'm a foolish idiot who doesn't know any better." The word oppa is sour in her mouth and she wants to gag, wants to throw up, wants to sleep and pretend that this night is only just a terrible nightmare. Instead, through blurred vision she sees him look up at her, with dark, fierce eyes, hands stuffed in his pockets, slouching as if he doesn't care that he just took her heart and stomped all over it.
"That isn't what I said," he says eventually. "And you know it."
And just like that the anger flares up all over again, and she lets out a cold, bitter laugh. "You might as well have." She says, ignoring the tears now. Its strange, she thinks, facing him off but suddenly, she feels every inch of the distance between them and her heart just hurts so badly. "I don't think your problem is with Kyu-hyun or Lee-teuk oppa, or any other guy even."
She looks him straight in the eye then. "Here's your problem Jung Yong-hwa. You think I'm always going to be around, even when Shin-hye ssi is gone. You think I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what, faithful patient little Seo-hyun who'll always be around to listen to your songs or make you dinner or talk you into drinking tea."
"You're so selfish, oppa." She whispers and she sees him flinch but she presses on. It's as if she's seeing this side of him so clearly for the first time, this mean, cruel Jung Yong-hwa who thinks of her in such a poor light. "Selfish to think that I'm always going to be there when you need someone to go out with or make dinner for you. Because I'm not." She shakes her head wordlessly, and her tears fly, a perfect drop hitting her arm. “I’m not.”
Her heart is so immeasurably painful at this point, so heavy and she suddenly becomes terribly aware of the lightness of her head, the painful pinch of her toes in this heels and its all too much. She just needs to be away, she needs to go somewhere into the dark where Jung Yong-hwa’s face and words can be obscured, where she can lie down and cry because all of it hurts. She steps past him, and finally, finally, his hand comes up to grasp her forearm, stopping her. “Wait, Seo-hyun ah.”
It’s funny, she thinks in some corner of her mind that is removed from all this drama. Each of his touches always made her feel like smiling, like she would melt somehow like a snowman in the sun, but now, she just doesn’t feel any of it. It feels like he’s grabbing onto smoke; she’s disappearing, vanishing. "Please." She barely manages through numb lips. "I just don't, I just can't be in the same place as you. Just. Please."
He lets go of her and she drifts away, but the tears are real and wet on her cheeks and they shine brilliantly in the shafts of lamplight.