Record #15 [Voice; Private to Lenalee] History repeats itself.

[strike_for_you]

[Lavi's voice comes over the communicator low, steady, and void of any emotion.]

Lenalee, where are you right now?

[ooc: So I ended up dropping tags from last week. I'm really sorry, guys. And I'm not coming off hiatus yet; this is just for some much needed development between Lavi and Lenalee.]

Comments

[bootofinnocence]

[Lenalee's eyes widen a bit with the guilt she felt building up; here she was, trying to make him feel bad when the situation was just as difficult for him as it had been been for her. It was instinctive for her to react the way she did. It was how she protected herself. How she kept things that hurt her away.

The more she listened to him, the less she wanted to run him off and worse she felt. He hadn't been the insensitive one at all; it was her, for not considering his thoughts, his feelings, or his heart. If she'd been in his position, would she have reacted the same way? It had to have been hard for him too... someone who was probably more like a Bookman than she ever remembered Lavi being.

The look he gave her felt cold, and Lenalee inched away from him, eyes lowering to the floor. The regret that had been there before whens he looked at him still shown through at the ground, even though it wasn't the ground who needed her apology.]

Just friends...?

[There was a constriction in her heart, and Lenalee realized then that this felt more like a break up than what had happened before. It hurt more, somehow- the kind of hurt that kept her from crying.]

... I'm sorry, Lavi...

[strike_for_you]

[This would be the end of their romantic relationship. It was for the better. He knows that. It would save them both from the pain they wouldn't be able to escape should one of them leave, or should they both return to the Order. Back there, nothing they did in the House would have been possible, not with Komui and most certainly not with Bookman watching them so closely.

It would hurt now, but they could get over this pain. When they had to go their separate ways, it would hurt less if they were friends, right? Friends left each other all the time, didn't they?]

Lenalee..

[Even if the way she had treated him was wrong, he didn't think her apologizing was necessary. He didn't deserve to hear those words from her. She shouldn't have wasted her breath on him.]

No, I'm sorry. I knew better.. I shouldn't have let things go as far as they did. I wasn't thinking about how much it would hurt you in the end. I.. guess I just wasn't thinking at all.

[He offers a weak smile.]

I hurt you too much to be a good boyfriend, anyway.

[bootofinnocence]

I didn't mind that much. I knew when I opened my heart that I would get hurt sometimes.

[She lifts her head to look at him again, pasting on her own weak smile for both of their benefits. It hurt; being friends wasn't going to be that easy. Maybe more so for him, since all he felt was the slight attraction he'd had before. She still loved him.]

No, I am sorry. You were hurt too and I acted like you were the one at fault, when it was my own.

I knew getting into this that it would hurt, and I was selfish to blame you. It's not your fault at all. Even if we go home and remember this, you would still have to leave one day. Bookmen go where history leads them. I accepted that when I chose to be in a relationship with you.

[strike_for_you]

[When she gives him that smile, he has an urge to pull her into his arms. Not in the way friends would, but in the way a lover would hold their significant other to console them; firmly and protectively. He's able to easily suppress the urge, but that doesn't do anything for the want he still feels.]

You.. really accepted that, huh?

[Lavi doesn't know why hearing her say those words surprises him.]

You didn't even consider the possibility of me giving up becoming a Bookman, because you knew it wouldn't happen.

[bootofinnocence]

Even if I hoped there was a way, I wouldn't have wanted you to stop. It means too much to you, and being the catalyst that ruins what you've been working for isn't something I'd want to be.

[The truth was that in a way, she had hoped something else would happen before Lavi would have to leave-- maybe the war would end, and they could have tried to stay in touch. Maybe it wouldn't have, and she would have just become another casuality and never had the chance to see him walk away. It was all selfish of her, but these were things she'd thought of before they became a couple.

Watching Suman become a Fallen One, believing she had lost Allen-- they were feelings she'd never wanted repeated. It had been that mentality that brought her to fight the level 3 on her own, against her own ideology on self sacrifice. It was better if she was the one to die there than the people she loved, because it hurt too much to see them leave and if it was her, it was one less burden in their way.

She'd learned her life wasn't quite so simple or easily pushed aside, and the value of it before coming to the House; she'd learned it after dying here and coming back. It hurt. Knowing that was what kept her alive, kept her fighting; to keep what she loved in check and from falling apart. If she wasn't there to make sure everyone was safe, they'd do exactly what she never wanted them to do, and leave.

Lavi had always been an exception. Kanda would stay, because Kanda had always been with her. Komui wouldn't leave her side. Allen would keep walking. Lavi would finish his job and move onto the next. She'd spun a million ideas of ways to keep him in his place, to keep his piece of her world from disappearing. She'd never said anything about it. He mattered just as much as everyone else, but he wasn't one she could force into understanding.]

Even if you leave, you have something of me that I can never get back. That's all right. I want you to have it.

If I ever thought I could keep you with me, it was wishful thinking. I know better.It was my choice to let you become a part of my world. I don't have the resolve to hold a heart like a Bookman.

1/3

[strike_for_you]

[Silently staring at her in surprise is all he can manage at the moment.]

2/3

[strike_for_you]

[More staring. What is he supposed to even say to that.]

[strike_for_you]

[But he has to say something, he knows that. He had taken a part of her that he can't return, even if he wanted to. And hearing her say that causes him to remember that night in the river, the doubts he'd had before that piece of her was given to him forever. The way he currently felt, he couldn't imagine doing something like that to her, so at that time.. had he really felt that strongly.. ?

Perhaps she was referring to something else entirely, though, like a part of her heart or something similar. In which case, whether she knew it or not, she would always have a piece of him as well. He can't bring himself to outwardly tell her that, however.]

Thanks for understanding. [It's all he can think of. It's all his mouth agrees with his brain on saying. And while thinking of something else to add to that, his eye focuses on a particular accessory he surprisingly hadn't noticed until then.

Lenalee always wore studs in her ears.. Since when did she have a wolf earring?]

Um. That's new.

[He points to one of his ears to demonstrate what he was referring to.]

You get it from someone in the House?

[bootofinnocence]

[Lenalee's hand lifts to the ear subconciously; she can feel the new earring under her fingers and her eyes turn toward the side as if she's trying to remember where it had come from as well.]

Cloud gave it to me. He said it's a symbol of his family, and he wanted me to have it.

[strike_for_you]

Oh.

[What.]

So.. you're a part of his family..

[bootofinnocence]

He's like a big brother.

[She stops for a moment, looking Lavi's face over for a moment. He seemed concerned about Cloud; more than likely because it was someone he didn't know, and trusting Lenalee to someone he didn't know didn't sit well with him. It would have been the same from Kanda or Allen.]

I'll introduce you to him. I think you'd like each other.

1/3

[strike_for_you]

Oh, okay.

2/3

[strike_for_you]

[Wait.]

[strike_for_you]

[What if this 'Cloud' was the guy who'd threatened him? Lavi isn't exactly eager on meeting the owner of that voice anytime soon..]

Er. You don't have to.

[bootofinnocence]

I want you to meet him.

1/2

[strike_for_you]

..

[He can't object to that. Not right now.]