(no subject)
im just fucking lost.
i know we are both to blame for shit thats going on. but she takes it way too far. she never gave me a break from the attitude that turns me away. she never gave me a break from her mind that is set on partying. she never give us time to just hang out and be us.
she always went to your friends...im sorry but her friends that she talks to are the worst people she could even begin to ask about her relationship.
ESPECIALLY the friend she goes to now. someone who knows nothing about what a real relationship is about. someone who cant decide if they want a boy or a girl, someone who cant be single for more than 2 days, someone who didnt even want anything to do with her until her best friend started dating someone and gave two shits about everyone else. she lost her best friend so she went on search for another one. and she got all caught up in having a friend who pretended to care so much.
i ignored her for 2 days to get my head clear. to get HER head clear. i called her and basicly got told that it was the wrong thing to do. there were so many times that she took off for 2-7 days without letting me know ANYTHING and it was fine when she wanted to talk again.
all i wanted in this relationship was respect. i dont think that was too much to ask for.
anything she ever needed i was there. anything she ever cried about or needed to talk about, i was there.
i never one time left her standing alone.
if people actually saw what happened when no one was around they would think differently. they would see that im not always the one to blame for the things going on. you had a huge role in hurting this relationship. but every time something went down. i was the bad one. i was the asshole. i was the dick.
i just honestly dont know who to trust anymore. who to let get close to me. i kinda wish i never would have kicked the people out of my life that i did for you. it wasnt worth it. i hate to say it. but your best friend at the time treated me way better in that short time that you have in over a year. getting into all those fights with people for you and to make sure you had a good time was useless. i just got shit on by you the next day.
my life is at rock bottom these days. i dont trust anyone. i have one friend. the rest are people that seem to care when they have nothing else going on.
i feel like shit every single day. physically i feel like i am dying as soon as i wake up to the time i go to bed. its some of the worst pain i think anyone could have to go through. i just learned to ignore it. but thats why im never happy. thats why i never want to go party all the time.
i cant find a job..i had a great job for a while. my body just couldnt handle lifting 170,000lbs a day.
i need to go to school..but i cant get into school without having money to pay for it. i dont want to ask my parents to help me with it becuase they have spent so much money on keeping me alive that i just feel bad asking for more.
i smoke weed becuase it helps me not feel like shit. it actually makes my stomach not hurt as much. it calms my head down. i cant afford that anymore so im back to feeling like shit everyday, all day.
i need a new car. mine is seriously about to die.
i dont know which priorities to stick first and which to stick last.
my parents offered to let me live in florida with my grandfather. its such a great idea i just hate the thought of leaving this place. i hate the thought of starting over. even though i know i would have everything down there. a calm place to live. no more belinda stress everyday. my health is better down there. no more asthma attacks. no more allergies. i have people that i could turn to for jobs. it would be so easy to get a job down there. they all just pay absolutely shitty.
i just wish i could join the marines. why did i have to be the one born with all the problems in the family. why couldnt i just be bi polar like my brother. i would have been in boot camp at the age of 18.
i dunno anymore. suicide has come up so many times in my head over the past couple years. i have nothing to live for. its hard to want to keep going when theres no happiness. just pain and mental fucks from the people around you.
i feel alone. i dont feel like i have anyone when belinda isnt there. i dont believe my family wants be around. not one time in my entire life have i heard i love you from anyone but my grandparents and my girl friends that pretended like they did.
im breaking down.
i just want happiness:(
i know we are both to blame for shit thats going on. but she takes it way too far. she never gave me a break from the attitude that turns me away. she never gave me a break from her mind that is set on partying. she never give us time to just hang out and be us.
she always went to your friends...im sorry but her friends that she talks to are the worst people she could even begin to ask about her relationship.
ESPECIALLY the friend she goes to now. someone who knows nothing about what a real relationship is about. someone who cant decide if they want a boy or a girl, someone who cant be single for more than 2 days, someone who didnt even want anything to do with her until her best friend started dating someone and gave two shits about everyone else. she lost her best friend so she went on search for another one. and she got all caught up in having a friend who pretended to care so much.
i ignored her for 2 days to get my head clear. to get HER head clear. i called her and basicly got told that it was the wrong thing to do. there were so many times that she took off for 2-7 days without letting me know ANYTHING and it was fine when she wanted to talk again.
all i wanted in this relationship was respect. i dont think that was too much to ask for.
anything she ever needed i was there. anything she ever cried about or needed to talk about, i was there.
i never one time left her standing alone.
if people actually saw what happened when no one was around they would think differently. they would see that im not always the one to blame for the things going on. you had a huge role in hurting this relationship. but every time something went down. i was the bad one. i was the asshole. i was the dick.
i just honestly dont know who to trust anymore. who to let get close to me. i kinda wish i never would have kicked the people out of my life that i did for you. it wasnt worth it. i hate to say it. but your best friend at the time treated me way better in that short time that you have in over a year. getting into all those fights with people for you and to make sure you had a good time was useless. i just got shit on by you the next day.
my life is at rock bottom these days. i dont trust anyone. i have one friend. the rest are people that seem to care when they have nothing else going on.
i feel like shit every single day. physically i feel like i am dying as soon as i wake up to the time i go to bed. its some of the worst pain i think anyone could have to go through. i just learned to ignore it. but thats why im never happy. thats why i never want to go party all the time.
i cant find a job..i had a great job for a while. my body just couldnt handle lifting 170,000lbs a day.
i need to go to school..but i cant get into school without having money to pay for it. i dont want to ask my parents to help me with it becuase they have spent so much money on keeping me alive that i just feel bad asking for more.
i smoke weed becuase it helps me not feel like shit. it actually makes my stomach not hurt as much. it calms my head down. i cant afford that anymore so im back to feeling like shit everyday, all day.
i need a new car. mine is seriously about to die.
i dont know which priorities to stick first and which to stick last.
my parents offered to let me live in florida with my grandfather. its such a great idea i just hate the thought of leaving this place. i hate the thought of starting over. even though i know i would have everything down there. a calm place to live. no more belinda stress everyday. my health is better down there. no more asthma attacks. no more allergies. i have people that i could turn to for jobs. it would be so easy to get a job down there. they all just pay absolutely shitty.
i just wish i could join the marines. why did i have to be the one born with all the problems in the family. why couldnt i just be bi polar like my brother. i would have been in boot camp at the age of 18.
i dunno anymore. suicide has come up so many times in my head over the past couple years. i have nothing to live for. its hard to want to keep going when theres no happiness. just pain and mental fucks from the people around you.
i feel alone. i dont feel like i have anyone when belinda isnt there. i dont believe my family wants be around. not one time in my entire life have i heard i love you from anyone but my grandparents and my girl friends that pretended like they did.
im breaking down.
i just want happiness:(