why cant i have that?
It's all over. Marching season has just closed with state, which we recieved an excellent. Today i am goin to be off the subject of kelly or bree, and on to the subject of me. On the busride home, i did some hard thinking. I looked at myself, mp3 on just sittin by myself and i wondered, y me? I look over in the seat across from me and c skye and jeff cuddling, it was so cute. All throughout the bus u can see that love of another person, whether they both knew it or not, and it made me think even harder. Y can't i have that, it's like im not supposed to have it or im doin somethin wrong. am i doing somethin wrong? if i am plz tell me, cuz its really starting to make an impact on my life. Every day i get on the bus and c ppl kissin or cuddling. i get off the bus at school and c ppl embraced at the site of each other, and some goin a little farther than that. i walk to my locker and c lovers together just staring into each others eyes. i walk to the bandroom and c all these happy couples, dick and olivia, jossi and victor, and mark and heather. Everything is engulfed in that loving feeling except me. its as if ive been left out of some circle that i was never in the first place, which i should have been but was shunned out bc i was too decent. Then one person i thought i liked i asked out, and then she was totally taken away from me and brainwashed. thats not a good first try. then i ask myself if i should ask out kelly, but i dont bc i cant stand somethin like that happening again, ill be torn to pieces. She has a bf, but to me he seems more intent on starin and feelin than on anythin he does. in my personal opinion, he treats her as an object instead of the person she is. Then i see ppl all around her, or guys around any good-looking girl and they can be so rude. when that woman talks to them, they seem so gentlemen-like and look them in the eyes. but when that girl turns to talk to someone else, their full attention goes to everythin below neck until she looks back at them, then they go back to their non-pervert self. I get so annoyed when i c ppl like that, those r ppl who just want someone bc they have a hot body. I compare them to myself and c such a difference. i try my best not to stare, even though sometimes i cant help it. i never just try to touch a girl, i wait until we r both more comfortable with it. i keep my focus on the girl im talking to, if they turn, i either turn or do something else so they know im not staring. there r other aspects that i cant exactly compare myself to, since i have unfortunately not been able to experience those pleasures yet(not sex) i dont treat a girl as an item or treasure for display, i want her to be herself and make her own choices, in other words just to be herself. but most importantly, i will NEVER want a girl for the way she looks. my judging is by who they r, not wat they look like. which is probably y i dont try to grab or feel a girl. which is y im so polite to women, which is probably why i've been kicked out of the dam circle!! SOMEONE PLZ HELP ME!!!!!