(no subject)
so i feel the black bile wash over like some unforgiving touch. i have pondered the notion of sadness every day since i can remember attaining some sort of cognitive awareness. well, maybe not pondered, but definitely EXPERIENCED a sense of melancholy on some emotional level. Some days i struggle in simple interractions...and some days even still i desire nothing more than an eternal rest. (Sigh)....Razors and Rope were never my forte though. i dont even think i would be considered clinically depressed. i certainly might dabble with occasional dsythymia, but i suspect every person on this planet could concur with me on that point. so why has this emotion plagued my life for so long? Sometimes i believe that its just easy to catch sorrow...like a person who catches fish in an aquarium. Pity can be such a pillow to lay the soul to rest on every night. BUT...i think i have other reasons for my longing to smile upside down all the time. i am sickly obsessed with being caught in this world of dreams and negating my reality. i mean, sure...i am very pragmatical when confronted with issues of importance...but...i just want to commit reclusivity on a mass scale. i just...cant see beyond the blue veil of my everyday existence. God, just reading this back in my head makes me feel pathetic...but i dont really care anymore inside. i cant think of anything more painful than a person who is NOT where He/she should be, emotionally, physically, spiritually, whatever-may-be. The feeling of displacement....its transcendant on every level.AND still, arent we ALL misplaced on this earth? i keep believing that after death my permanent residency will be revealed....and knowing thats where i belong....and having to endure this flesh existence....well, it creates a huge void. AND i think humanity can choose either sadness or hope to fill that void. Many dont even get a choice....their life is one gigantic suicide note waiting to be read. i hesitate at the sight of an optimist too. i suppose somewhere in between these polar extremes is my very temporary earthly residence. i have recently started to renovate my gloomy dwelling, but My horrible need to be perfect is sometimes unbearable and leads me to destructive, non-enjoyable climaxes. Other hypodermics that penetrate my heart of hearts include songs like Tori Amos' "mother," a reading of sylvia plath's "ariel," or Arthur Holdens "memoirs of a geisha," even a moment spent in the judgmental church of my youth....it all rushes forth these incredible tears. tears that cannot be explained by science. i sometimes think each droplet that escapes my eyes are tiny apocalypses. i wonder, too, if feeling so down is GOD'S reminder to not get comfortable on this planet for very long? YET GOD makes me sad most of all...because i never was given the choice to whether i wanted life on earth at all. No, an accident one night between mom and my so-called fuck ass of a dad made my existence here irreversible. Some days i wonder about the people who live with me and around me...if they ever will really understand whats behind my cleverly rueful mien. i ponder the thought of my ability to empathize with other people too. Solutions to finding an exit from the sorrow quagmire are so temporary they dont even seem worth discussing. Therapy, endless bitching, cynicism, bad poetry, even worse music are pointless and happily satanic. and killing oneself? ha. that really IS the easy escape from the big problem of willingly breathing oxygen. NO....living the rest of a life that is not wanted and being kept completely under a mental saran wrap of uncertainty regarding a potentially horrible subsequent existence is the true definition of suicide. Though i have made little progress in the realm of emotional intelligence and adapting to my continuous surroundings, My answer is geometrical and easy: to forget. My amnesia worsens every time i live vicariously through other people's songs or movies or faces. i also cant remember anything when i am playing music or being kissed or watching a great film or eating a candy apple or enjoying thursday nights on NBC or...well, you get the idea.
??Question Mark??
??Question Mark??