(no subject)
8:38am. I'm sitting in class and the teacher is talking about chemistry and compounds. This is biology. What do I think? I'm not sure. This is just something to do.
I feel like a nerd. I didn't see the boy last night and I'm wishing the day would go by so I can see him this afternoon. We're taking a class together. Yay. An excuse to sit next to him for 2 hours or so. It's strange. The more we discuss, the more open we get, the more comfortable I feel here. It's happy times.
I called him last night about an hour after we had already gotten off the phone. This last month, or maybe two months, have left me with this frustrating feeling of wanting to cut, or burn, or hurt myself in some way. Any time things get difficult for me, or any time I'm by myself and I feel bad... or lame...frustrated... etc... it's been my first thought. I don't, but I can feel it in me that if I weren't dating this kid and if I knew I wouldn't have to face the consequences of what doing something like that to yourself does to another person... I would. And that scares me. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that's why I called him again. I knew he'd distract me/make me feel better. There's a strange sort of security in it. Even though the feeling wasn't an issue any more, he cared and was giving me other ways to channel feeling.
Life is so weird sometimes. It has this foreign and detached aspect to it. You feel everything, you live through so much, and yet your mind is still apart from what you experience. The two separate realities. The one of your mind, your thoughts, your emotions and reactions to things and then the reality of what is truly there. What you experience.
On a different note, I think part of my frustration last night stems from a frustration with life. It's so hard to accomplish the things you want to do, when you want to do it, and in the way you want to do it. That sounds childish, wants and all, but on the same token... it's left me tired. I'm so burned out with school, as well. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself for the last year and now it's catching up with me. I don't want to learn, and I think learning's becoming an effort. Sloow down, my mind echoes. I'll try. Maybe.
poof. silly life.
oh well. Back to class.
I feel like a nerd. I didn't see the boy last night and I'm wishing the day would go by so I can see him this afternoon. We're taking a class together. Yay. An excuse to sit next to him for 2 hours or so. It's strange. The more we discuss, the more open we get, the more comfortable I feel here. It's happy times.
I called him last night about an hour after we had already gotten off the phone. This last month, or maybe two months, have left me with this frustrating feeling of wanting to cut, or burn, or hurt myself in some way. Any time things get difficult for me, or any time I'm by myself and I feel bad... or lame...frustrated... etc... it's been my first thought. I don't, but I can feel it in me that if I weren't dating this kid and if I knew I wouldn't have to face the consequences of what doing something like that to yourself does to another person... I would. And that scares me. Towards the end of the conversation, I told him that's why I called him again. I knew he'd distract me/make me feel better. There's a strange sort of security in it. Even though the feeling wasn't an issue any more, he cared and was giving me other ways to channel feeling.
Life is so weird sometimes. It has this foreign and detached aspect to it. You feel everything, you live through so much, and yet your mind is still apart from what you experience. The two separate realities. The one of your mind, your thoughts, your emotions and reactions to things and then the reality of what is truly there. What you experience.
On a different note, I think part of my frustration last night stems from a frustration with life. It's so hard to accomplish the things you want to do, when you want to do it, and in the way you want to do it. That sounds childish, wants and all, but on the same token... it's left me tired. I'm so burned out with school, as well. I pushed and pushed and pushed myself for the last year and now it's catching up with me. I don't want to learn, and I think learning's becoming an effort. Sloow down, my mind echoes. I'll try. Maybe.
poof. silly life.
oh well. Back to class.