(no subject)
I find that as I write, as I detail my life, my thoughts, my feelings... that, in actuality, I'm detailing me. I'm witnessing who I am, and how I'm changing. It's such a strange thing. Even the memories I have from a few weeks ago... am I really different now? It feels like it.
As I've started to objectively take a step back from, and actively work on, some of the ways I respond to the boy, I'm becoming more aware of why I might be doing things, or the way I'm responding to him. At first, this has made me a bit self conscious... but it's becoming a good thing.
I noticed yesterday that I feel like I try to push him away sometimes. It's entirely subconscious. "Too close." I'm afraid of too close... and yet, knowing that I subconsciously act in a way that might push him away, I'm afraid I'm doing it to get rid of him. Why would I want to do that, though? I don't. I think it's a fear line being drawn, and on the same token, a counter to see how much he'll tolerate from me...
I think he missed me while I was in Phx. Last night, all he did was stare at me, huggle me, hold me, and tell me how beautiful/gorgeous I am. He tackled me with affection. I definitely missed that over the weekend.
So I feel sick today. Health wise. All I want to do is sleep and all my nose can do is run. Run, cough, throat tickles, sore throat. I'm so going to the gym today, anyway... even if it means I have to go slow. The first few weeks of working out are the most important. Must get those in.
I think I need a nap before I go to the gym...
zzz
As I've started to objectively take a step back from, and actively work on, some of the ways I respond to the boy, I'm becoming more aware of why I might be doing things, or the way I'm responding to him. At first, this has made me a bit self conscious... but it's becoming a good thing.
I noticed yesterday that I feel like I try to push him away sometimes. It's entirely subconscious. "Too close." I'm afraid of too close... and yet, knowing that I subconsciously act in a way that might push him away, I'm afraid I'm doing it to get rid of him. Why would I want to do that, though? I don't. I think it's a fear line being drawn, and on the same token, a counter to see how much he'll tolerate from me...
I think he missed me while I was in Phx. Last night, all he did was stare at me, huggle me, hold me, and tell me how beautiful/gorgeous I am. He tackled me with affection. I definitely missed that over the weekend.
So I feel sick today. Health wise. All I want to do is sleep and all my nose can do is run. Run, cough, throat tickles, sore throat. I'm so going to the gym today, anyway... even if it means I have to go slow. The first few weeks of working out are the most important. Must get those in.
I think I need a nap before I go to the gym...
zzz