(no subject)
I cannot believe me.
This isn't me. This isn't who I've forced myself to be, or who I've worked so hard to become.
It's 4:51am. I'm in Phoenix and I'm missing John. Why am I missing John? I saw him this morning (Saturday.) We went to the zoo. I honestly had a really good time with him. (I love you, Otter.)
I'm only supposed to be gone until Monday. So why? Why am I missing him already, why am I wishing I called him this evening, why am I wishing I was with him? Why does it stir such a minor case of jealous wonder at knowing that he's going to spend, likely all, of his time with his other friends? Why does it make me hope that he doesn't forget me? I was thinking about staying until Tuesday. I don't think I can stay until Tuesday if it's like this now... (but maybe by then, it won't be...)
I keep telling myself that I'm going to forget him today. (Sunday.) I won't let it bother me. I won't call him. If he wants to talk to me, he can call me. I won't do it. Even if it drives me stir-crazy not to. I am not some silly little dependent girl that clings to the boy she's with. I have never been that, and I don't like this feeling that I'm being that. No. I'm too independent for that, and I don't need to be around him all the darned time. I have my own friends. I have my own life. But the inside voices whisper... life is so much better with him in it...
I know part of the frustration in missing him comes from the fact that I'm choosing to visit Phoenix. I'm choosing to be away from town this weekend. It's not necessary that I miss him. It's not some required trip or some exersion that cannot be avoided. I don't have to be in a situation where I'm without him. But I am. This is where my independence should kick in and I should be glad. But all I can find is that I miss him. This is such a foreign feeling, and it's kicking my butt. I should be in control of this and I should be glad I'm out, I'm away, I'm having "me" and friends time.
Why am I not happier about this?
It's a pound to my pride, that's for sure.
I should stay until Tuesday just to spite myself...
This isn't me. This isn't who I've forced myself to be, or who I've worked so hard to become.
It's 4:51am. I'm in Phoenix and I'm missing John. Why am I missing John? I saw him this morning (Saturday.) We went to the zoo. I honestly had a really good time with him. (I love you, Otter.)
I'm only supposed to be gone until Monday. So why? Why am I missing him already, why am I wishing I called him this evening, why am I wishing I was with him? Why does it stir such a minor case of jealous wonder at knowing that he's going to spend, likely all, of his time with his other friends? Why does it make me hope that he doesn't forget me? I was thinking about staying until Tuesday. I don't think I can stay until Tuesday if it's like this now... (but maybe by then, it won't be...)
I keep telling myself that I'm going to forget him today. (Sunday.) I won't let it bother me. I won't call him. If he wants to talk to me, he can call me. I won't do it. Even if it drives me stir-crazy not to. I am not some silly little dependent girl that clings to the boy she's with. I have never been that, and I don't like this feeling that I'm being that. No. I'm too independent for that, and I don't need to be around him all the darned time. I have my own friends. I have my own life. But the inside voices whisper... life is so much better with him in it...
I know part of the frustration in missing him comes from the fact that I'm choosing to visit Phoenix. I'm choosing to be away from town this weekend. It's not necessary that I miss him. It's not some required trip or some exersion that cannot be avoided. I don't have to be in a situation where I'm without him. But I am. This is where my independence should kick in and I should be glad. But all I can find is that I miss him. This is such a foreign feeling, and it's kicking my butt. I should be in control of this and I should be glad I'm out, I'm away, I'm having "me" and friends time.
Why am I not happier about this?
It's a pound to my pride, that's for sure.
I should stay until Tuesday just to spite myself...