Life Takes Turns Like Fiery Shadows
I used to wonder how people could seriously screw up. When posed with a moral dilemma, the solution always seemed so clear and easy to me: choose the less fucked up of the two choices. Of course, I had grown up in a religious background and right and wrong was always black and white... which sort of led me to become a bit judgmental. I guess somewhere down the line, I grew up and things stopped being only black and white. And suddenly, a few days after turning 27, I stood in that field between black and white and realized how enormous it really was... and how it was composed of not just black and white... but of grey... and red... and blue... and hazel...
So, here I am. Trying to make sense of it all.
***
Life has this uncanny way of changing right when we start to settle comfortably in, when we finally find our footing. Just as I finished medical school and led my ER rotation with relatively newbie 3rd years with new found confidence in my medical knowledge, I graduated. In six months, I'll find myself (if all goes as planned) as an intern in one of the two specialities i applied for - general medicine or pediatrics - and will once again be at the bottom of it all. Was I scared to intubate a 7 day old infant? The thought had kept me up at night a million times. Finding veins in a 3 month old while parents stand around impatiently ready to bite my head off - um, yeah. This was my new future. The past was behind me.
***
Suddenly, life seems more valuable to me. My life seems more valuable. And while I learn the importance of it all, I see eye to eye with the rest of the world. With all those people who have erred... with all of them I once looked down upon and scoffed at their mistakes and lack of good judgment... I stand with them in the field and see things for what they are - the right, the wrong, and the intensity that drives us to strive one way or another.
So, here I am. Trying to make sense of it all.
***
Life has this uncanny way of changing right when we start to settle comfortably in, when we finally find our footing. Just as I finished medical school and led my ER rotation with relatively newbie 3rd years with new found confidence in my medical knowledge, I graduated. In six months, I'll find myself (if all goes as planned) as an intern in one of the two specialities i applied for - general medicine or pediatrics - and will once again be at the bottom of it all. Was I scared to intubate a 7 day old infant? The thought had kept me up at night a million times. Finding veins in a 3 month old while parents stand around impatiently ready to bite my head off - um, yeah. This was my new future. The past was behind me.
***
Suddenly, life seems more valuable to me. My life seems more valuable. And while I learn the importance of it all, I see eye to eye with the rest of the world. With all those people who have erred... with all of them I once looked down upon and scoffed at their mistakes and lack of good judgment... I stand with them in the field and see things for what they are - the right, the wrong, and the intensity that drives us to strive one way or another.