How I Found My Inspiration Again
So you never really had those feelings for me? I asked him.
Silent pause. Well I guess... I took advantage of the situation. Listen, he paused again. It's hard to have feelings for someone who already has a boyfriend. So, yeah, I had no motive. Just had fun.
Ton of bricks. My head. THUD. My heart. Small crack.
He continued. Anyways, you did this. You kissed me first. I wanted to leave. It's your fault.
Gunshot. Brain. BOOM.
You kept taking it. You kept rolling with it. I mean, its your relationship. You should feel bad.
Knife. Gut. Blood. UGH.
I tried to not cry. I really did. As I got more emotional, I got more angry. All this time, I had been blaming myself for what had happened with Raj. Suddenly, tonight, when he said these things to me, I realized. I was at fault, yes. But Raj had dragged me into the situation, tried to take what wasn't his and carelessly played with it. And there he was on the other end of the line, calmly explaining his side like an innocent accomplice.
It was like watching a crime mystery movie, not having an answer. For five months, I watched this movie, wondering what the answers were. And finally, when the ending was revealed, it suddenly dawned on me how obvious the solution had been - flashbacks of evidence came into my head, one after another. How foolish was I to never see it! Blinded and misled to believe another possible suspect that now seemed so ridiculous - that he actually gave two fucks about me. I couldn't stop crying, all the while Raj kept sighing, not knowing what to say but, yes, ok, yes, I made a mistake, I'm sorry. Calmly. Too calmly. I caught my breath.
You knew it, I said. You knew what you were getting yourself into, you knew what I was getting into. And you know what kind of girl I am. I know you know... I know you know I'm a good girlfriend, I know you know I'm a good girl. And you never, for two seconds, stopped and thought about anything that concerned me - my feelings, my relationship, what you were going to do. You say I'm your friend, you say you call me all the time to talk because we're friends. I was never your friend - because if I was, you would never have pushed the way you did. And you would never have blamed me for what happened. This, all of this, everything, this - this is your fault.
Then my phone, my little black out-of-date phone that has gone through so much with me, suddenly died... right after that sentence. It's like it knew, enough. You have said enough, woman.
I didn't bother to charge and call him back. It was nearly 1:30 am and anyways, he wasn't helping the situation. He was making me more emotional and angry, and I was afraid I was going to lose my cool - which I was beginning to - and say something I regretted in a fit of rage - which I almost did. I cried in bed for 45 minutes at my folly and embarrassment for being so foolish. Then I got up and looked around for my glasses... stood next to my dresser and stared at the picture of God on my wall. Then I did something I haven't done in a very long time.
I spoke in poetry in God.
Suddenly, I had a million ideas. A million thoughts, a million stories, a million lyrics. I imagined that's what mania must be like. Suddenly for the first time in God knows how long, I had to write.
I dried my tears and thanked God for the inspiration, logged onto Facebook and made this my status:
"Oh Karma, you live up to your reputation, I've licked my wounds and paid my dues. Now inspire me. This is what I've been waiting for."
I have a story now. I have a song to write. I have a tune in my head. My heart aches a little, but I'm going to be ok. I'm a Scorpio - I tend to regenerate. That has always been my biggest strength.
Now it's really over. The friendship, the works. Raj will never be half the man Wes is, and I've learned my lesson the hard, hard, hard way. Karma's a bitch. But she's the best teacher one can find. And I'll never be disloyal someone I love ever again.
And this is how I found my inspiration again.
Silent pause. Well I guess... I took advantage of the situation. Listen, he paused again. It's hard to have feelings for someone who already has a boyfriend. So, yeah, I had no motive. Just had fun.
Ton of bricks. My head. THUD. My heart. Small crack.
He continued. Anyways, you did this. You kissed me first. I wanted to leave. It's your fault.
Gunshot. Brain. BOOM.
You kept taking it. You kept rolling with it. I mean, its your relationship. You should feel bad.
Knife. Gut. Blood. UGH.
I tried to not cry. I really did. As I got more emotional, I got more angry. All this time, I had been blaming myself for what had happened with Raj. Suddenly, tonight, when he said these things to me, I realized. I was at fault, yes. But Raj had dragged me into the situation, tried to take what wasn't his and carelessly played with it. And there he was on the other end of the line, calmly explaining his side like an innocent accomplice.
It was like watching a crime mystery movie, not having an answer. For five months, I watched this movie, wondering what the answers were. And finally, when the ending was revealed, it suddenly dawned on me how obvious the solution had been - flashbacks of evidence came into my head, one after another. How foolish was I to never see it! Blinded and misled to believe another possible suspect that now seemed so ridiculous - that he actually gave two fucks about me. I couldn't stop crying, all the while Raj kept sighing, not knowing what to say but, yes, ok, yes, I made a mistake, I'm sorry. Calmly. Too calmly. I caught my breath.
You knew it, I said. You knew what you were getting yourself into, you knew what I was getting into. And you know what kind of girl I am. I know you know... I know you know I'm a good girlfriend, I know you know I'm a good girl. And you never, for two seconds, stopped and thought about anything that concerned me - my feelings, my relationship, what you were going to do. You say I'm your friend, you say you call me all the time to talk because we're friends. I was never your friend - because if I was, you would never have pushed the way you did. And you would never have blamed me for what happened. This, all of this, everything, this - this is your fault.
Then my phone, my little black out-of-date phone that has gone through so much with me, suddenly died... right after that sentence. It's like it knew, enough. You have said enough, woman.
I didn't bother to charge and call him back. It was nearly 1:30 am and anyways, he wasn't helping the situation. He was making me more emotional and angry, and I was afraid I was going to lose my cool - which I was beginning to - and say something I regretted in a fit of rage - which I almost did. I cried in bed for 45 minutes at my folly and embarrassment for being so foolish. Then I got up and looked around for my glasses... stood next to my dresser and stared at the picture of God on my wall. Then I did something I haven't done in a very long time.
I spoke in poetry in God.
Suddenly, I had a million ideas. A million thoughts, a million stories, a million lyrics. I imagined that's what mania must be like. Suddenly for the first time in God knows how long, I had to write.
I dried my tears and thanked God for the inspiration, logged onto Facebook and made this my status:
"Oh Karma, you live up to your reputation, I've licked my wounds and paid my dues. Now inspire me. This is what I've been waiting for."
I have a story now. I have a song to write. I have a tune in my head. My heart aches a little, but I'm going to be ok. I'm a Scorpio - I tend to regenerate. That has always been my biggest strength.
Now it's really over. The friendship, the works. Raj will never be half the man Wes is, and I've learned my lesson the hard, hard, hard way. Karma's a bitch. But she's the best teacher one can find. And I'll never be disloyal someone I love ever again.
And this is how I found my inspiration again.