Considerations on the 5
Today was supposed to be worse than yesterday according Google weather, but when I woke up, I felt my temperature at harmony with nature's. I went through my morning routine (brushed, flossed, and rinsed my teeth, went back to bed and read fifty pages or so) and while I was feeling so good, I decided to do my dishes. I'm leaving on Monday, and I hate the idea of coming home to a mess of an apartment. I did them, with a smile on my face, and when they were done I went back to reading my book. Really, as equally a good morning as the morning I wrote about a few days ago.
Because today was going to be so hot, I went to see a movie I've been meaning to see. I like going to movies by myself, (although I do not protest going accompanied) because it gives me a sense of the power I have, which allows me to make decisions with my life...well, at least with my afternoon. The movie was enjoyable, even inspiring, and when I left, the heat hit me like a cannonball to the chest. Breathing such hot air doesn't seem natural or satisfying, but eventually I made my way back to the bus stop and got on my #5.
There were plenty of seats, but most people occupied them with their shopping bag or purse, and gave no implication they would share the seat next to them. This was no issue because the sun glared on the seats while the aisle remained in the man-made shade. I continued to move towards the back as more people climbed onto the bus with the hot, dry air going into and out of the lungs of the passengers. My hip pushed into a young man's arm, and after I apologized, he continued to look me up and down, repeating the words, "My oh my." I look forward, trying to discourage him from going on. "Look at what bumped into me." In the few words he chose to sum me up, I felt like a lifeless form, brought into existence to be criticized by the men on the bus.
I moved forward as soon as I could, and a young woman made the seat next to hers available. I sat down and threw my thoughts into my book. The young woman left at the next stop, but the seat was quickly filled. I look forward and see many open seats, and find the bus nearly empty, but the man chose to sit next to me. He also chose to push his body closer to mine and dig his elbow into my side. He spread his legs wide enough to his left would touch my right. I'm lucky my stop was soon, because the heat, the smell, and the tension between this older man and myself was making me sick. When the bus finally stopped, I asked him to excuse me, but he didn't move. I had to, embarrassingly, climb over him, pushing my body into his. I got off the bus as quickly as possible, feeling suffocated and furious.
As I walked down the two blocks to my apartment, I began to tear up. Why did I let two men, who made me up to be nothing more than an exterior, make me break down so? I walked into my apartment and wept, which I haven't done in a long time, and I came face to face with my insecurities and frustrations. As a woman in today's society, I have so many rights, so many privileges, and so many things to be happy for, yet there are still times when we, as women, can be made to feel so inferior, and so inhuman. This is something I believe a man can never experience, and he is better off for it. I think about the women who respond to this kind of attention, and therefore lead men to believe that this kind of behavior is welcome. Women, I'm sure you know this, but you are better than what men can assume you to be based on appearance. We are complex people and we deserve to be treated as such. We are not bodies to be taken, we are not incubators, we are not housekeepers. Let's not let anyone else think so. But, finally, I come to terms with what may be truly bothering me, and it upsets me even more so. The part of me that brings my self, and most of women kind, back decades. The constant need to be accepted by the person we are most attracted to. Why is it that these men, who don't me know from Eve, can find the beauty I see in my form, while the person I would long to see me that way, and who is a good person, can't see that? Am I always to attract these kind of men? Is it my destiny to single-handedly punch everyone of these men in their machismo and hope the punch is so strong it makes each man impotent? I don't know.
What I do know is that today I was really affected by these events and wanted to write them down and share my experience. I wanted to open myself up to the opinions of my friends, all of whom are female or forward thinkers...I need to know something, and I'm not sure what. Is it that I'm not alone? Is it that I am over-reacting? I don't know. I just needed to put it out there for no real reason at all.
Quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Eleanor Roosevelt. It seemed fitting.