Why Do You Let Me Stay Here? - Chapter 13
Story Title: Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?
Chapter: (13) Something 'bout the Midwest Honey
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: MA/NC-17
Details: AU-AH,OOC
Summary: Bella knows two things: she's completely in love with best friend, Edward, and there's no way he could ever love her back. Her feelings of insecurity lead her to make hasty decisions with major consequences. Who will be left standing in the end?
Disclaimer: My birth certificate doesn’t say Stephenie Meyer so I’m not making millions of dollars off this shit.
I was only 45 minutes into my 15-hour flight to Tokyo and I knew that there wasn’t much that would get me through it. The in-flight movies were B-grade comedies with D-list actors and couldn’t hold my attention even if all the characters were naked. The book Alice slipped in my carry-on was some trashy romance, which I had no desire to read. I’d already seen all of the videos I had on my iPod and the music could only entertain me for so long before I grew bored again. So I was bored and stuck over the middle of the Pacific for more than half of a day with no way to amuse myself. This trip to see Renee was already turning into a nightmare and I hadn’t even landed yet. I could only hope that I wasn’t this bored once I got to Japan. I hadn’t seen Renee in over two years - surely she had things planned for her only child’s visit…right?
Trying to not think about the possible failure of my trip, I remembered the past few weeks since my breakdown with Edward and Alice. Once I called Renee after waiting so long for it to be a reasonable time in Japan, I couldn’t really say much. It was mostly blubbers and sobs with the occasional name or word exclaimed. After 20 minutes of my incoherent crying, Renee tried to calm me down by suggesting that I visit her in Japan. No one had mentioned anything like this to solve my problems previously, probably because it was running away from them and not actually dealing with them, and the idea sounded like heaven to me. A few phone calls later I was booking my tickets to Tokyo to visit Renee and Phil over Easter.
It wouldn’t be until much later that I realized I was doing what she had done two decades earlier when she left Charlie.
Almost two months had passed since then and nothing seemed to be getting any better in any of my relationships. Edward still called and texted daily and I still ignored him. My relationship with Alice was still strained as she attempted to straddle her relationship with me and with Edward. She was the only one of our friends to have any inkling of what had happened and was obviously having a much harder time dealing with it. I went with Rosalie to as many of her wedding planning appointments as my schedule allowed. I met Esme for lunch twice a week in a neutral location and still spent a majority of my weekends with Charlie. My only relationship that didn’t seem to be suffering was with Emmett.
Emmett and I always had a different kind of bond since we were the two in our group from high school who weren’t related. He assumed an older brother role and our relationship developed into something similar to Edward and Alice’s. Emmett had siblings, but they were older brothers; he’d always wanted a sister and when I walked into Menlo that day, he got his wish. So while everyone else was carefully avoiding the Edward/Bella feud like the plague, Emmett embraced it and just ran with it. He’d make snide comments to me about Edward, like if we saw someone being an asshole he would saying something along the lines of, “That was pretty dick, but it wasn’t an Edward.” In our relationship, Edward had evolved from a name to a noun; it was the only time that hearing his name didn’t make me automatically cringe.
Earlier in the week, Emmett took me bowling since he didn’t think they had “the great American pastime of bowling in Japan” and thought I needed to be reminded of all the things I would miss. We ate nachos, drank beer from the tap and bowled with the most obnoxious colored balls we could find.
“You seem to be doing better, Bells,” Emmett said genuinely as we prepped for our third game.
“Thanks, Em. I’m just trying to make it through the wedding,” I replied.
It was the truth, but I still felt bad about not telling him about Boston. The final paperwork was signed and I had just booked my flight for the day after the wedding that day at work.
“Dude, don’t sound so excited! It’s going to be like a giant party with all your friends and even though our families will be there, the booze is free so they cancel each other out,” he said in an attempt to cheer me up.
“Oh you know I’m there if there’s alcohol involved!” I exclaimed, trying my damnedest to sound excited.
“I know you think you need to hold it together for me and Rosie’s sake, but if cutting the guy’s dick off is going to make you feel better, then by all means…go for it! My best man can be sans penis at the wedding; I’ve got no problem with that.”
I couldn’t help the smile that erupted on my face. Only Emmett could make my smile while talking about the cheating bastard.
“I wish that’s all it would take, but it’s not. And I am trying for you and Rose, but I honestly don’t know what to do anyway, so I don’t think the wedding is impeding anything.”
“You sure about that?” he asked, taking a long pull from his drink.
“What do you mean?” I questioned after bowling my frame.
“I’m not trying to butt in here, but I know that he’s been trying to talk to you for four months now and you won’t have anything to do with him. I find it hard to believe that you could resist him for this long if you didn’t have some kind of motivation.”
Christ. For acting like such a lug head constantly, Emmett sure could read a situation almost better than his fiancée.
“Trust me when I say that the wedding is not my only motivation, Emmett.”
He assessed the expression on my face for a few moments before continuing the conversation.
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
In between frames,the rest of the evening was spent with Emmett scoping out guys he thought I’d make hot babies with .“Shit, Bells! That guy has longer hair than yours! And it’s curly. You’d have little Brillo Pads shooting out your hoo-ha!” That lasted until I threatened his future children. The more beer I drank, the harder it was for me to repress images of young boys and girls with my hair and Edward’s eyes or vice versa.
Somehow analyzing my relationship and recent interactions with Emmett had taken up a ridiculous amount of my time, and we were five hours into the flight when I was shaken from my thoughts by the flight attendants serving us dinner - or what the airline was trying to pass off as dinner. After eating and avoiding the advances of a burly businessman across the aisle, I settled in for some restless sleep. Although I never had trouble sleeping on planes, I’d never attempted to sleep on one for ten hours before and found that after about four hours, I was wide-awake. Simply the thought of putting my chair back and attempting to nap some more made the ache in my neck scream for mercy. In an attempt to keep my mind off of home, I watched a few episodes of a Japanese game show that was available on the in-flight TVs before my thoughts wandered off.
After debating with myself for two months, I’d finally decided to give Edward back his mother’s necklace. I hoped that it would act as the metaphorical nail in the coffin of our relationship. I’d gone the afternoon before my flight, after the mail was delivered and before he was home from work, and left it in his mailbox. I’d been indecisive about leaving a note with it, but in the end I chose not to. What could I have said? ‘Sorry you cheated. Here’s your family heirloom back. Now leave me alone.’? Somehow I doubt that would fly. No, he would know who it was from and what it meant; there wasn’t much left I had to tell him anyway.
I wasn’t sure how he would take it, which was why I was a chicken shit and did it right before leaving the country. He couldn’t even bombard my cell phone with calls and/or texts after he got it and I knew that would drive him up the wall. I would be gone for an entire week though and I hoped that would be enough time for him to cool off. We hadn’t had anymore porch confrontations and I would like to have kept it that way - thus taking the cowardly way out.
As I rehashed my actions, I realized that Alice would most likely have to take the brunt of his anger and I instantly regretted not forewarning her. We might not have made much progress but we definitely hadn’t deteriorated yet either and my cowardice threatened that. I made myself a mental note to send her an e-mail once I was settled at Renee’s to check and see how things were; she would let me know if Edward had lashed out and I wasn’t there to be on the receiving end of the lashing. Foolishly though, I prayed that he would just take it and calm down. Nothing good could come of saying and doing wretched things only to upset our friends. That was why I had chosen to keep everything that had happened between us under wraps, but he didn’t understand that.
My wearied thoughts one way or another got me through the rest of the flight and the next thing I knew, we were descending on the world’s most populated city. I followed my fellow passengers off the plane and latched onto a Canadian couple, who seemed to know where they were going, in an attempt to safely make it to baggage claim. By some stroke of luck, I’d picked the right couple and made it to the massive baggage claim area with no major injuries. Getting my baggage, however, was a completely different story. I cringed at the memory but as soon as any buzzer went off signaling new luggage on the carousel, there was a mad rush of people. In my head, I equated it to the running of the bulls in Pamplona except replacing horns with Blackberrys and other Smartphones. I would undoubtedly have bruises in the morning, but I managed to retrieve my luggage and make it to the line of taxis outside in one piece.
“Bella!” Phil shouted as I exited the taxi parked at the curb of their small home outside of Tokyo.
I had seen pictures but it was much smaller in person. Apparently I hadn’t been taking the space shortage in Japan seriously. I began to wonder if they even had a room for me to sleep in and if I should start looking for a hotel - although I knew those might not be much more comfortable.
“Hey, Phil!” I replied, as I pulled the luggage out of the car after me.
He handed the driver some Yen before enveloping me in a substantial hug. I couldn’t help but return the affection as it was something that my everyday life lacked but I still yearned for.
“Your mother is out shopping already, but she should be home in time for dinner. Fortunately, I have the day off so I can help you get situated. Here, let me take those,” he said as he helped me carry my bags up the walk and into the house.
I wasn’t surprised that Renee didn’t stay at home that day in anticipation of my arrival. It appeared that the only part of the trip that would go well was retrieving my luggage, but it wasn’t something that I hadn’t anticipated.
Two days before Christmas, Nine Years Earlier
Although I was nervous about spending my first Christmas with Renee in a very long time, I was also excited to see her and our home again. I had stayed with Charlie through Thanksgiving, opting instead to fly to Nebraska right before Christmas and stay through the new year. Phil wouldn’t be working either, so I had high hopes for my visit to my former home.
In typical Renee fashion, I had to make my own arrangements to get from the airport in Omaha to our old house outside of Bellevue. I thanked my lucky stars that Charlie had handed me a wad of bills before I boarded the plane earlier. I didn’t mind though because the taxi driver droned on about the Cornhusker’s disappointing bowl game appearance and I watched the sights that I had grown up with speed past me. It was relaxing and brought me down from my anxious excitement at seeing my mother again.
We pulled up in front of the pleasant ranch house I had grown up in and I paid the driver while trying to yank my luggage out behind me as my anticipation overwhelmed me. Once I was finally settled on the sidewalk and the car had pulled away, I turned to stare at my childhood home. Not much had changed since the last time I’d been there. All of the flowers were dead now that it was winter, but other than that…nothing seemed different - not even the lack of the car in the driveway.
That got my attention pretty quickly. There should have been at least one car there; Renee and Phil both had one, unless Renee had gotten rid of hers. That didn’t make any sense though because then she wouldn’t be able to get to work. I knew that Phil made a comfortable amount of money, but Renee was too energetic to not work. Attempting to come up with dozens of logical explanations in my head, I walked up the drive with a sickening feeling in my gut. It was a Saturday so someone should have been home.
I tried the door handle in vain and began to search through my bag for my keys. It was a miracle I’d brought them with me - they were already sitting in my purse when it was time to leave Charlie’s for the airport. I found the old, worn house key and turned the locks before stepping into the kitchen. The lights were all off and the only audible sound was the ticking of the grandfather clock in the living room (a wedding present from Phil’s parents).
“Mom?” I called out anxiously.
They couldn’t have forgotten that I was coming home today.
“Phil?” I said as I walked deeper into the dark house, lit only by the fading sunlight.
There was no way that she could have not remembered that her only daughter was coming to visit her for the first time in six months. No way.
I stalked through the rest of the house, checking every single room including the kitchen pantry, before I finally realized that I was stuck by myself…forgotten. The fat tears rolled down my cheeks before I could stop them and I curled up next to the kitchen cabinets and sobbed for hours.
Whose mother forgets about them? Mine.
Present Day
Phil and I made small talk about what was new in my life, what I was looking forward to with my promotion, what new players he was recruiting and various other non-essential topics. Basically, we were avoiding talking about why I had flown halfway across the world to see a parent whom I had a polite, at best, relationship with. He gave me a tour of the house and although all of the rooms were smaller than I what I was accustomed to, it was cozy and I could see myself becoming comfortable here. As it turned out, they didn’t really have a spare room for me, but Phil’s office had a daybed in it and he wouldn’t be working at home very much as the season was starting so I would be staying in there. I could tell that he felt bad when he explained the sleeping arrangement to me, but I brushed it off nonchalantly. This was typical behavior for my mother and if I let it offend me now then it would be my fault.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Renee had stopped fooling me a long time ago.
After whipping up a quick, frozen lunch, Phil took me around the neighborhood and explained how they were adapting and how accommodating their neighbors had been when they first moved. The culture shock had been extreme, but after two years, it seemed that Phil felt right at home here. I was happy to see him so happy. I remember visiting so often in high school to hear him complain about his lack of respect from coaches and players alike. Based on what he was telling me, professional baseball had become too much about the statistics and notoriety in America, whereas it was still about the love of the game here in Japan. It was easy to see that he truly loved the sport and wanted to be involved with people that loved it just as much as him…and those people just happened to be Japanese. As he continued to talk about American versus Japanese baseball, I realized for the first time that this move had definite potential in becoming permanent. I tried to keep up with Phil’s team and read what I could about them when articles were available in English, so I knew that the team was doing well, but it never occurred to me that they would actually like it here. I knew, however, that I’d have to see how Renee was taking to Japan firsthand before I could pass final judgment; she had the definitive say in all of her relationships so if she was unhappy, Phil would be unhappy.
We slowly made our way back to their small house and I began to unpack my things before hopping in the shower. Twenty hours spent traveling had a way of making one feel all kinds of grotesque. Once I had relaxed under the hot spray for longer than necessary, I left the bathroom only to be affronted with Renee’s boisterous laugh coming from somewhere in the house. I went to my room/Phil’s office with a little less bounce in my step and tried to make myself look presentable. I wasn’t sure why I was even making an effort though, my mother never failed to find fault in my appearance.
“Oh, Bella, honey! I’m so glad you’re here!” Renee squealed as I made my presence known in the kitchen.
“Hi, mom,” I said with fake enthusiasm as she wrung my neck in her vice-like hug.
“Let me look at you,” she said as she held me at arm’s length. “Dear, couldn’t you do something about your hair? You look like a drowned rat when you don’t blow it out. How do you ever expect to find a boyfriend that way?”
I had to bite back a snide remark and just gave her a sad smile instead. I couldn’t be upset with her for that - she didn’t know about Edward.
Yes, but it was her fault that she didn’t know about Edward, wasn’t it?
The next few days progressed in much the same way. Anytime Renee was around, I was particularly miserable but that turned out to only be about 50% of the time. The rest of my time was spent with Phil at the ballpark or taking in the sites that Tokyo had to offer. An opportunity like this wouldn’t come my way again any time soon and I knew better than to waste my time just because of a bad mood. I came to Japan to get away and that’s exactly what I did.
I visited a few fashion boutiques that Alice had suggested downtown. I paid my respects at the Shrine of the Three Gods in Asakusa. I saw two different performances at Kabuki-za in Ginza. I bought Emmett a few souvenirs at the gigantic Sega amusement center in Ikebukuro. I had my picture taken outside of the Imperial Palace in Chiyoda. I somehow managed to buy fresh seafood at the infamous fish market in Tsukiji. I explored the ins and outs of Ueno Park and all of its museums in Taito. I even spent the day and took a boat to Iwo Jima to see the battlefield and memorial. I did everything I wanted to do while in Japan except the one thing that I came specifically to do - talk to Renee about Edward.
“So I’m having brunch with the girls tomorrow and then we’re shopping for Ellen’s baby shower. I thought we might go out to dinner at this new restaurant that Kara was telling me about…” Renee droned on one evening while we ate dinner.
“Mom, tomorrow’s Easter. Are we not going to spend the day together?” I asked, upset that she wouldn’t even spend the holiday with me.
“We’re in Japan, dear, not the States. They don’t do Christian holidays here. There’s no need to fuss over it,” she dismissed me before going back to what she was talking about before.
“But I came specifically to spend Easter with you. Did you think I just picked a random week in April to come out here? Did you think work saw my request for time off - right before I transfer across the country - and just decided that I deserved it? Christ, do you have a single maternal bone in your fucking body?” I asked, setting down my silverware.
Both Renee and Phil just stared at me in awe of my outburst.
“Bella, honey, I think you’re overreacting,” Phil began before I cut in.
“No, I’m not. This isn’t your fight, Phil, so I suggest you stay out of it. Just because you do everything my mother says doesn’t mean that I have to.”
“Isabella, I am still your mother. I don’t care that you’re 25 and don’t live under my roof, but you will treat me with respect!” she bellowed.
“Respect? Why should I respect you? What have you done for me since I’ve been here? You weren’t even home when I got here. I didn’t expect you at the airport, but the least you could have done was try to be home when you’re only daughter came to visit you for the first time in two years! That’s asking too much, I suppose. Just like expecting you to spend time with me or talking to me without being condescending is asking too much. Expecting anything from you is asking too much. My entire life you’ve treated me like I was a failure, a disappointment. Well guess what, mother…YOU’RE the failure. YOU’RE the disappointment.”
“How dare you talk to me like that, young lady!”
“How dare you, mother! How dare you sit there and pretend like you have some kind of control over me after all these years. I learned long ago that the terms ‘mother’ and ‘mom’ were just words to you. Do you know what it says under ‘mother’ in the dictionary? Maternal affections. Give me one example of your maternal affections and I’ll treat you like my mother.”
The room was silent. I could hear the cars zooming by on a nearby street and the ticking of the grandfather clock that had made the trip from Nebraska to sit in their living room once again.
“That’s what I thought. You know, you never once asked me why I was upset on the phone - not when I called and not since I’ve been here. Even if you don’t care, I’m going to tell you anyway because a mother should know.” I took a deep breath before continuing, “I fell in love. I fell in love a long time ago and I found out after years and years that he loved me too. I can’t remember a time when I was happier than the week I spent with him. We’d skirted around our attraction for as far back as I can remember and now we were finally able to act on it.” My vision blurred as the tears began to build up in my eyes.
“Edward was my best friend - even better than Alice. He always understood me and could tell what I was thinking just by the look on my face. It was magical. I was with my best friend, the love of my life after so long and I felt like my life was finally falling into place. Edward had just gotten a job after he lost his previous one when the attorney general resigned, which you would have known had you ever listened to me. I had just been promoted and was the apple of corporate’s eye. Two of my best friends were getting married. Everyone was happy and healthy. Then finally, I had a boyfriend whom I loved beyond compare.
“A split decision changed it all though. I decided to surprise him for lunch after his first couple days at work in celebration.” My tears were freely streaming down my face by this part of the story. “I was the one that was surprised though because after being together for days, I found Edward cheating on me and my life literally fell apart. This all happened in JANUARY, by the way. I’ve barely spoken to him in that time and it’s tearing our group of friends apart with the wedding approaching in less than a month.
“You want to know what the worst part is though? When I went to Edward’s aunt, the woman who raised him, for consolation, she told me that it was her duty as a fellow mother to urge me to talk to you about all of this. She was trying to help me even though her own kin was doing just as poorly as I was. And as much as I would like to blame this situation on Esme, this is entirely my fault. I was stupid to think that you might finally act like a mother for once. But I’m not that foolish anymore. I’ve seen my mistakes and I won’t make them again. Until you can earn the title, you’re not my mother; you’re nobody,” I said before rising and retreating to my room.
My luggage sat in the trunk of Phil’s car as he drove me to the airport a few hours later. Tensions were high in the car but I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I’d finally said my peace to Renee and now I needed to get the hell back to Palo Alto and try to fix other parts of my life. I felt bad that Phil was stuck in the middle of all this, but there wouldn’t be a conflict of interest once I was on the curb at Tokyo International and he could return to his wife. I didn’t think a ride to the airport was too much to ask for.
“I’m really sorry it had to be this way, Bella,” Phil said once the car was pulled up at the drop-off zone.
“It’s not your fault, Phil. Please don’t worry about it,” I said genuinely concerned for his feelings.
“No matter what happens, I love you,” he told me stoically.
“I love you, too,” I said before reaching over the consoling and wrapping my arms around him in a much needed hug.
“Call me if you ever need anything,” he said as he helped me with my luggage.
I simply nodded in response before giving him another hug and walking into the bustling airport.
And so I spent the rest of my day and the wee hours of Easter morning at Tokyo International Airport, attempting to explain why I needed to leave now instead of in three days. It took a while, but I finally convinced them that I wasn’t a terrorist of any kind and procured a boarding pass. While waiting for my plane to board, I fumed after seeing the unfortunate irony in my situation: running back to what I had been running away from in the first place.
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