Walking both paths in the road
It's obvious that the blog has been getting a lot of attention in the last week, so this morning I went to my good old buddy Steve and asked him what my next posts should weigh in on and with his help I came to realize that I'll be leaving for another tour soon. (and I'm sure the blog will be a flurry of activity during tour time, even more so than it is now.) He suggested to do something a little more personal in the meantime and I listened to him, as he is generally wont to offer sound advice. I guess I should ask- Which do you, my esteemed readers, prefer?
Last night during one of my multitudinous phone calls with Nikki, we were bouncing from topic to topic and eventually we landed on the plans we have to create and write a show with one another. It was nearly five in the morning for me, as I generally try to call her at about two am so that I get the chance to talk to her when she's getting up in the morning and when we aren't limited by the bounds of time. (For the new readers, Nikki is still in Germany, much to my absolute dysphoria.)
I'm sure, as anyone can tell, she manages to permeate my thoughts every single day in every nuance imaginable. Pictures of her adorn my night stand. A picture of her and I is on our facebooks. Old love letters she wrote to me are always within an arms reach at my desk. When I see her smiling face in emailed pictures, my heart and body ache to be near her, burning in a constant testament to a passion both terrible and beautiful.
We always wanted to create a show together, I think, but neither of us wanted to really admit it. When our joking about the idea transcended to something beyond frivolous banter, I had to really sit and think about it. Performing a show with someone meant that obviously I would be potentially performing my own show less. Was I ready to make that sacrifice? Am I willing to compromise on creative control? What if this sabotages our chance at being happy with one another? When I stand alone at the end of my show before my bow, extend my arms outwards and give the audience probably the most fulfilled smile they've seen all day, I fill with an uncontrollable, relentless, and intoxicating energy. Was I willing to experience that less?
As peculiar as it can sound, I must admit that on occasion when I find myself in one of those extremely exceptional moments, I close my eyes and feel time slow down. In the case of finishing a wonderful show, my eyelids flutter then drop and I feel slender threads of light coming out of my fingers and weaving their way through my audience, entangling them harmlessly while channeling the pure and raw magic of the moment. My eyelids rise less than a split second later and everyone is there, feeling something completely intangible and yet all they can say is simply that they feel much better than when they arrived, then join me in my exultations.
I feel that way when Nikki wraps her arms around my waist and her head touches my chest, except the little tendrils of light are coming from her fingers instead, enveloping us in a everlasting and incorruptable embrace fueled by our devotion to one another.
I start to imagine combining these two energies and creating something truly awe-inspiring, harnessing the congruence of what I love with who I love.
Those words resonate in my head, and a gentle calmness sets in. And like that, it becomes not a question of sacrifice, or uncertainty, or even a question at all anymore. It becomes the beginning of a new journey where I will most certainly not walk alone.
Last night during one of my multitudinous phone calls with Nikki, we were bouncing from topic to topic and eventually we landed on the plans we have to create and write a show with one another. It was nearly five in the morning for me, as I generally try to call her at about two am so that I get the chance to talk to her when she's getting up in the morning and when we aren't limited by the bounds of time. (For the new readers, Nikki is still in Germany, much to my absolute dysphoria.)
I'm sure, as anyone can tell, she manages to permeate my thoughts every single day in every nuance imaginable. Pictures of her adorn my night stand. A picture of her and I is on our facebooks. Old love letters she wrote to me are always within an arms reach at my desk. When I see her smiling face in emailed pictures, my heart and body ache to be near her, burning in a constant testament to a passion both terrible and beautiful.
We always wanted to create a show together, I think, but neither of us wanted to really admit it. When our joking about the idea transcended to something beyond frivolous banter, I had to really sit and think about it. Performing a show with someone meant that obviously I would be potentially performing my own show less. Was I ready to make that sacrifice? Am I willing to compromise on creative control? What if this sabotages our chance at being happy with one another? When I stand alone at the end of my show before my bow, extend my arms outwards and give the audience probably the most fulfilled smile they've seen all day, I fill with an uncontrollable, relentless, and intoxicating energy. Was I willing to experience that less?
As peculiar as it can sound, I must admit that on occasion when I find myself in one of those extremely exceptional moments, I close my eyes and feel time slow down. In the case of finishing a wonderful show, my eyelids flutter then drop and I feel slender threads of light coming out of my fingers and weaving their way through my audience, entangling them harmlessly while channeling the pure and raw magic of the moment. My eyelids rise less than a split second later and everyone is there, feeling something completely intangible and yet all they can say is simply that they feel much better than when they arrived, then join me in my exultations.
I feel that way when Nikki wraps her arms around my waist and her head touches my chest, except the little tendrils of light are coming from her fingers instead, enveloping us in a everlasting and incorruptable embrace fueled by our devotion to one another.
I start to imagine combining these two energies and creating something truly awe-inspiring, harnessing the congruence of what I love with who I love.
Those words resonate in my head, and a gentle calmness sets in. And like that, it becomes not a question of sacrifice, or uncertainty, or even a question at all anymore. It becomes the beginning of a new journey where I will most certainly not walk alone.