I always loved you . . . you always had a lot of style
I had a dream last night that left me breathless. I haven't dreamed in a long while. Although percentagewise, the number of times I dream of him, it's disturbing. You know after a while which were the events that formed your life, don't you... I did the right thing, which I generally do in dreams ( I have a hard time with lucidity, so even in dreams I'm inhibited. But in this case I genuinely did what I knew to be right, and shut it down.
still it got me. Under the ribs, in that place no one knows my soon to be 37-year old self still has. (We the Oregon trail generation. Does anyone still post on livejournal anymore? Probably not, but still. And so it's safe . . ) I felt that wobbly in-love feeling I remember from being 19, 20. Something I didn't know existed anymore. And it made me angry, that a man who has grown into someone else entirely than that boy, should make me feel that way, undeservingly, incredibly long ago...STILL. I think it's some innate defect in me, really. I take things too hard. But that, after the wind, and the car door, and the slicing of my head open, the lecture and the power outage and all the shakiness that followed, the blood . . . it's really too much for one weekend. Ah if only it were just a series of dreams.
still it got me. Under the ribs, in that place no one knows my soon to be 37-year old self still has. (We the Oregon trail generation. Does anyone still post on livejournal anymore? Probably not, but still. And so it's safe . . ) I felt that wobbly in-love feeling I remember from being 19, 20. Something I didn't know existed anymore. And it made me angry, that a man who has grown into someone else entirely than that boy, should make me feel that way, undeservingly, incredibly long ago...STILL. I think it's some innate defect in me, really. I take things too hard. But that, after the wind, and the car door, and the slicing of my head open, the lecture and the power outage and all the shakiness that followed, the blood . . . it's really too much for one weekend. Ah if only it were just a series of dreams.