(no subject)
I feel like I can't write in my wordpress right now, at least not the things that are really on my mind. I'm so unhappy with the way it ended with Alison, I'm so unhappy with myself for trying not to hurt her by not giving her the entire, unaltered truth, which is what she really deserves. I don't think there is anything I can do except give her as much space as possible, I can't be the one to help her through this because I'm the one that is causing it. Maybe she needs to hate me, maybe for a very long time. I'm torn by this, completely. She thinks she isn't important to me because of the distance I'm keeping, she feels like I don't care about her and I've moved on, and the truth is while I don't want to be in a relationship with her, I care more then ever. It hurts my heart so so much to see her cry, to be upset. I know she's at home, thinking about me and being miserable. I'm at least thankful that she has friends that can show her a good time, that's what she needs right now. It's so hard to get out of that mindset, and I know she thinks she never will, but after enough time has passed, maybe. Maybe I won't be the only thing on her mind someday, and she can be happy and not cry or be upset ever again the way she is now.
I'm not sure if I told her, but one of the reasons it took me so long to ask her to be with me was because I wanted her to have her heart broken once before entering a relationship with me. Maybe it sounds crazy, but the first one always hurts the most, and the longer it is postponed, the more painful it inevitably is.
But I hope someday she realizes that I'm out there, taking a chance and living without that love. I want to experience life without a safety blanket, without a net to catch me if I fall. That means making mistakes, it means hurting a lot and being alone and miserable a good portion of the time. It means experiencing new people, relationships, friends. It's something I wish I had the chance to do when I was 17. I was happy then, but maybe in the back of my mind I always felt like I was doing the both of us an injustice by restricing our growth.
I just hate this situation, I'm so fucking sorry your in pain, I can't imagine how much it must hurt. You have friends though, that's something I don't have. You have friends that care about you and support you. Your family supports you too, something else I don't have. You have so much, you are such an amazing person and even though this seem so shitty right now you are going to pull out of this a stronger person. Growing up hurts, I know. And I know you might completely disagree with everything I say and how I look on this matter, but it's how I feel about it.
I'm not sure if I told her, but one of the reasons it took me so long to ask her to be with me was because I wanted her to have her heart broken once before entering a relationship with me. Maybe it sounds crazy, but the first one always hurts the most, and the longer it is postponed, the more painful it inevitably is.
But I hope someday she realizes that I'm out there, taking a chance and living without that love. I want to experience life without a safety blanket, without a net to catch me if I fall. That means making mistakes, it means hurting a lot and being alone and miserable a good portion of the time. It means experiencing new people, relationships, friends. It's something I wish I had the chance to do when I was 17. I was happy then, but maybe in the back of my mind I always felt like I was doing the both of us an injustice by restricing our growth.
I just hate this situation, I'm so fucking sorry your in pain, I can't imagine how much it must hurt. You have friends though, that's something I don't have. You have friends that care about you and support you. Your family supports you too, something else I don't have. You have so much, you are such an amazing person and even though this seem so shitty right now you are going to pull out of this a stronger person. Growing up hurts, I know. And I know you might completely disagree with everything I say and how I look on this matter, but it's how I feel about it.