Dad's...
i have been thinking lately about my biological father. i never knew him. i met him when i was 6 weeks old... like i remember that. but yea... john the guy i am living with is having some of the same issues i have with that. he is wondering you know like i have. so i feel like i have a bit of a deeper connection with him. but i have been thinking alot it and it is really bugging me. i dont know my real dad... if i ever have children... will that make me a bad mother? will i treat my children badly? will their daddy leave them too? if he does how will i explain it all? i just i dont want my kids if i ever have any to go through not knowing their real daddy. i dont want them to feel like they arent wanted. i dont want them to feel abused... neglected. yanno? i just fear all the shit i have been put through they will be put through it to cuz like mother like daughter... like father like daughter... and so on and so forth. i would hate for my kids to feel the way i do now.
i have so many questions for bobby owens jr. (my sperm donor as my mom called him for the longest time) she tried not to tait my views of him... by only giving me factual info... she never wanted to give me her opinion on him about anything. i would always ask her and all she would answer is : that is my opinion.. i am entitles to it... i dont want to your outlook on him to be based on my feelings. i can understand that but i still wanted her outlook... i was impressionable, yes, but i still felt that her opinion counted. afterall i had only met him when i was 6 weeks old, and i couldnt form an opinion on him from that. except he moved on really quickly. he was there with his new girlfriend... i dont think he even wanted to hold me, but my mom made him, so he would know what he could have had. but honestly i dont think he cared. i dunno if it was b cuz of me he left or something happened before he got my mom pregnant. did he not like kids? was it my mom? if it was, what did she do? what would my life be like if he had stuck around and been the good dad he could've been? what then? would things be better? worse?
my mom kept tabz on his dad... my biological grandfather fo a while, but when we moved from SC when i was like 5 we lost all contact with that too. his dad DID NOT agree with what his son had done. he was a drug addict... and alcoholic... it also makes me wonder if i am prone to thoise problems too. i dont want to end up like him... but its in my blood. in many ways i wish he'd stuck around... but in others i am glad he didnt. he may have left my mom later on and it would have been more difficult.... fo both of us. would we have been trailor park trash? rich? would he have done bad things to me? helooks like the type who is capable... but i cant judge him i dont have my opinion formed on him yet. i really wish if he is still alive, i can find him, and talk to him... ask him my questions... see if he has changed... see if he wants to contribute now.. see if he feels horrible for what he has done... all of this stuff... my feelings and such, remind me of that song by Good Charlotte:
hey dad, i'm writing to you
not to tell you that i still hate you
just to ask you how you feel
how it fell apart, oh how'd it fall apart
are you happy out there in this great wide world
do you think abnout your sons
do you miss your little girl
when you lay your head down
how DO you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if we're alright?
but we're alright
i remember the long hard road without you by my side
why werent you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mommas heart you broke your children for life
its NOT ok but we're alright
i cant remember much more, at least not the order... but you get the gist of it.
MOM if you are reading this... can you help? i still dont understand... i am still young you know? i dont want to stay with him... i just have questions. thats all.
thaks you guys who took time out to read this. i havent done too many actual heart-felt entries lately. this is one of very few. thank you
Luffs,
Felicity
i have so many questions for bobby owens jr. (my sperm donor as my mom called him for the longest time) she tried not to tait my views of him... by only giving me factual info... she never wanted to give me her opinion on him about anything. i would always ask her and all she would answer is : that is my opinion.. i am entitles to it... i dont want to your outlook on him to be based on my feelings. i can understand that but i still wanted her outlook... i was impressionable, yes, but i still felt that her opinion counted. afterall i had only met him when i was 6 weeks old, and i couldnt form an opinion on him from that. except he moved on really quickly. he was there with his new girlfriend... i dont think he even wanted to hold me, but my mom made him, so he would know what he could have had. but honestly i dont think he cared. i dunno if it was b cuz of me he left or something happened before he got my mom pregnant. did he not like kids? was it my mom? if it was, what did she do? what would my life be like if he had stuck around and been the good dad he could've been? what then? would things be better? worse?
my mom kept tabz on his dad... my biological grandfather fo a while, but when we moved from SC when i was like 5 we lost all contact with that too. his dad DID NOT agree with what his son had done. he was a drug addict... and alcoholic... it also makes me wonder if i am prone to thoise problems too. i dont want to end up like him... but its in my blood. in many ways i wish he'd stuck around... but in others i am glad he didnt. he may have left my mom later on and it would have been more difficult.... fo both of us. would we have been trailor park trash? rich? would he have done bad things to me? helooks like the type who is capable... but i cant judge him i dont have my opinion formed on him yet. i really wish if he is still alive, i can find him, and talk to him... ask him my questions... see if he has changed... see if he wants to contribute now.. see if he feels horrible for what he has done... all of this stuff... my feelings and such, remind me of that song by Good Charlotte:
hey dad, i'm writing to you
not to tell you that i still hate you
just to ask you how you feel
how it fell apart, oh how'd it fall apart
are you happy out there in this great wide world
do you think abnout your sons
do you miss your little girl
when you lay your head down
how DO you sleep at night?
do you even wonder if we're alright?
but we're alright
i remember the long hard road without you by my side
why werent you there all the nights that we cried
you broke my mommas heart you broke your children for life
its NOT ok but we're alright
i cant remember much more, at least not the order... but you get the gist of it.
MOM if you are reading this... can you help? i still dont understand... i am still young you know? i dont want to stay with him... i just have questions. thats all.
thaks you guys who took time out to read this. i havent done too many actual heart-felt entries lately. this is one of very few. thank you
Luffs,
Felicity