So that's done then.
So I went to the Dharma Center yesterday. This is a place in Chico that embraces the Buddhist lifestyle. Also, it's not too far from where I work. It's kind of hidden away, though, so that when I followed the directions to get there I ended up coming to the back parking lot, and it looks very much like a house (which it is, though it's in the same zoning as my office as well). At any rate, I was eventually able to discover that I had, in fact, found the right place.
I met some of the people and spoke with them a bit, not about anything too heavy, just a "Hi, how are you, so this is what we do here..." kind of thing, and then the meditation got started.
Incense, statues of Buddha, candles, pads to sit on, and a bowl that is rung at various points throughout the meditation... it was good to sit, free of distraction, and just let the thoughts come and go. I was able to stop feeling crappy, as I had been the past several days, and once again achieve the mindset of DFM. Sure, I'm still very lonely and still want someone to be intimate with, but the need for it is gone, and the disappointment in not having it is gone.
Reaching equilibrium raises some other issues though… I mean, it seems like a good place to be, for sure, but a life without desire is a life without drive, and a life without pain is a life without meaning. Emotional equilibrium seems like a way of hiding from pain, because if you don’t have desires to be foiled then you won’t be hurt when they are. This seems like a weakness to me. Anyway, I don’t want equilibrium, I want happiness, and I’m willing to do what it takes to get it, and to suffer what needs to be suffered, so long as I know that the chase isn’t a futile one…
I met some of the people and spoke with them a bit, not about anything too heavy, just a "Hi, how are you, so this is what we do here..." kind of thing, and then the meditation got started.
Incense, statues of Buddha, candles, pads to sit on, and a bowl that is rung at various points throughout the meditation... it was good to sit, free of distraction, and just let the thoughts come and go. I was able to stop feeling crappy, as I had been the past several days, and once again achieve the mindset of DFM. Sure, I'm still very lonely and still want someone to be intimate with, but the need for it is gone, and the disappointment in not having it is gone.
Reaching equilibrium raises some other issues though… I mean, it seems like a good place to be, for sure, but a life without desire is a life without drive, and a life without pain is a life without meaning. Emotional equilibrium seems like a way of hiding from pain, because if you don’t have desires to be foiled then you won’t be hurt when they are. This seems like a weakness to me. Anyway, I don’t want equilibrium, I want happiness, and I’m willing to do what it takes to get it, and to suffer what needs to be suffered, so long as I know that the chase isn’t a futile one…