(no subject)
I'm so lost right now. I don't know if I want to go out or stay in. I don't know if I want to go to bed or stay up and type this LJ entry...I just don't know. As the days go by the more I begin to wish I wasn't returning to Regis in the fall, a place I never wanted to be in the first place, but I already committed myself to living with Meaghan and Jenny. Does anyone ever just sit, blankly, and freak the fuck out because they have no idea what direction their life is going? I know I'm only 19 1/2 but shit, both my mother and grandmother were married by this time and I'm only 3 years away from graduating college and I have no clue what I want for myself. I want to be a journalist but yet I'm going to a school that doesn't have a journalism program, should I change my major? or wait until graduate school to pursue that? or should I transfer junior year to begin work at CU-but I want to go abroad junior year to England. No one can answer these questions and no solution is better than another, it's only up to me. And for a girl who has trouble making decisions she has alot coming up in the next few years, even more so in highschool because in highschool I slacked off so much many doors were closed to me.
Sometimes I wish I was heading to Chicago in the fall, and technically it's still possible because I have until July 1st to apply but realistically I have already made too many obligations to attend Regis. After facebook stalking I ran across a quote that caught my eye...The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strenght within you that survives all the hurt...hm, look at it and ponder for a few seconds. Ok, now I fear I have no core. I fear that every time i am hurt, betrayed, etc I am obliterated and nothing survives. Instead I run just like I want to run to Chicago, run away from Regis nothing tugs and my heart to s t a y.
Even the last time I visited the shrink he said I was "flighty" which coming from a shrink can't be good, speaking of that I forgot to call him back...shit.I want to be grounded, eh kinda. I don't think being flighty is such a bad thing, I suppose in a way I've been "flighty" my whole life. I can never decide which group of frineds to hang out with, what outfit to wear, etc. And even though I am virtually untied to anything it seems that I have a million and one obligations. School, work, partying, friends, family...I am too busy hostessing, western civ-ing it up, or partying to ever weigh the pros and cons on any decision I make, thus I have to make my decisions rashly and based on my gut feeling. blah blah blah and we all know the phrase, "it'll all work out" but seriously, one wrong decision can steer you away from what you really wanted to something secondary and that scares the shit out of me. Yes, I could've gone to Chicago but then I would miss the opportunity to further my friendships with people I really connected with at Regis and I would only be excited about going to Chicago and forging friendships with people I don't even know, but then again Regis is my second school and technically I'm settling for something that is less than my best.
Sometimes I wish I was heading to Chicago in the fall, and technically it's still possible because I have until July 1st to apply but realistically I have already made too many obligations to attend Regis. After facebook stalking I ran across a quote that caught my eye...The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strenght within you that survives all the hurt...hm, look at it and ponder for a few seconds. Ok, now I fear I have no core. I fear that every time i am hurt, betrayed, etc I am obliterated and nothing survives. Instead I run just like I want to run to Chicago, run away from Regis nothing tugs and my heart to s t a y.
Even the last time I visited the shrink he said I was "flighty" which coming from a shrink can't be good, speaking of that I forgot to call him back...shit.I want to be grounded, eh kinda. I don't think being flighty is such a bad thing, I suppose in a way I've been "flighty" my whole life. I can never decide which group of frineds to hang out with, what outfit to wear, etc. And even though I am virtually untied to anything it seems that I have a million and one obligations. School, work, partying, friends, family...I am too busy hostessing, western civ-ing it up, or partying to ever weigh the pros and cons on any decision I make, thus I have to make my decisions rashly and based on my gut feeling. blah blah blah and we all know the phrase, "it'll all work out" but seriously, one wrong decision can steer you away from what you really wanted to something secondary and that scares the shit out of me. Yes, I could've gone to Chicago but then I would miss the opportunity to further my friendships with people I really connected with at Regis and I would only be excited about going to Chicago and forging friendships with people I don't even know, but then again Regis is my second school and technically I'm settling for something that is less than my best.