(no subject)
i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm just so tired. so drained lately. maybe it's all the work. and all the school. i haven't done anything for me lately. but here's the thing. even when i have time to do stuff "for me" i have no desire. i haven't attended ultimate in 3 weeks. i can't remember the last time i went out and did something fun with my time. granted, i can't spend any money. but .. that is still irrelevant. i also will be the first to admit that i have completely neglected all of my friends this summer. it's not that i don't care about them, it's just that i don't appreciate them. And i hate that i don't appreciate them, but i just don't. So maybe deep down, by pushing them away, i will realize how good i have it. and i will feel something. anything. and fight to get them back. i will put up a fight that they deserve. but for now, i just don't care enough. i care, but not enough.
maybe this feeling is a symptom of depression. but i don't think i have anything to be depressed about. i feel like i'm just drained. like i have no energy left. i think i just don't want to hang out with anyone, because i don't have the energy to entertain them, or keep up with them. they are all so young, and i feel so old. i really don't know what has happened to me, or maybe i have always been like this. I have to admit that i have always felt older than my age. and whenever i do things that people in my age generation do, i feel like i'm forced. for example, keisha wants me to go to bars/clubs.. etc with her. and i dread the day that i have to go. why is that? bars/clubs are fun. but i just always end up making excuses on why i shouldn't go. i am only young once, so why am i not living it up?
who the fuck knows. hopefully some more time by myself will sort it out. hopefully.
maybe this feeling is a symptom of depression. but i don't think i have anything to be depressed about. i feel like i'm just drained. like i have no energy left. i think i just don't want to hang out with anyone, because i don't have the energy to entertain them, or keep up with them. they are all so young, and i feel so old. i really don't know what has happened to me, or maybe i have always been like this. I have to admit that i have always felt older than my age. and whenever i do things that people in my age generation do, i feel like i'm forced. for example, keisha wants me to go to bars/clubs.. etc with her. and i dread the day that i have to go. why is that? bars/clubs are fun. but i just always end up making excuses on why i shouldn't go. i am only young once, so why am i not living it up?
who the fuck knows. hopefully some more time by myself will sort it out. hopefully.