My Story Pt. 1
I have no doubt in my mind that they adults in my life as a child loved me dearly.
If I could change one thing about about my childhood it would be how I was introduced to God.
I "met" God as an authority figure that one MUST submit to or die! It was made clear that eventually everyone ends up in either heaven or hell and the the fires of hell were described in such great detail. There was so much emphasis on the wailing and gnashing of teeth that would go on as well as the endless torment from satan and his demons.
There was a list of does and donts and you better make sure that every toe was in line because one day God was going to come back and only take his "good" children and leave the rest to suffer His wrath.
We watched a movie that scared the snot out of me. Basically, in the movie God came and took who He wanted and left the rest. Anyone left behind had to prove themselves to get into heaven.
Of course those left behind were the ones that had not lived a good enough life or kept to the "rules." It felt like God was sitting about us waiting to beat us over the head if we messed up or smear us with shame.
I remember waking up every night for a long time as a child and checking to see if my little sister (K) was still in her crib late into the night while everyone else was sleeping. I knew if the Baby was there then I could be sure that God had not come back and left me behind.
In the movie people were forced into recieving something called, " The mark of the Beast" on their right hand or forehead.This mark was meant for identification, and for sales and trade. They ended the movie chopping peoples heads of at a geotine for not accepting "the mark." They actually showed heads rolling down the pavement and headless bodies. Can you imagine the fear that all of this would strike in a child?
There were a couple times I came home as an older child and no one was home and I would frantically call for grandma or someone close for comfort. I never told them that I was calling to make sure I was not a lone. I always called someone who I thought for sure God would not leave behind.
Sometimes I could not reach anyone and it was a long waiting game until someone came home.
When I was in second grade to somewhere around my freshman year in high school I think I was privately asking God to come into my heart on a weekly basis. I could not convince myself that I was safe or good enough. I certainly could not measure up to the dos and donts. I kept messing up and I constantly asked myself how God could be happy with me or want someone like me.
The adults in my life saw a young lady constantly reading her Bible and praying. My prayers were more like pleading with God to love me even though measuring against His standards I must be so hard to love.
But them not knowing my prayers (and I am sure that many would have tried to ease my fears had they known) and drive to be a church related events, Sunday school, youth group etc... they would have thought that I was on the right track. Sadly I think that fear was well known by many of the adults that I looked up to, maybe even until this day.
This after a long period of time led to a lot of frustration and then anger feeling like I could not measure up and never was going to so, why try right? That was my feelings for a while anyways.
I had accepted one day I would be condemned to hell and punished.
I was in and out of the homes of friends and family as well as foster homes. I finally ended up in a very loving foster home that was very supportive and nurturing.
I did not see it then but I see now as God helping me out and getting me to where I would be loved and cared for. They really did love and care about me. Sometimes I did not know what to do with that. It was hard being a child and/or treated like a child when you are so used to having to be independent.
I was really scared when I graduated high school. I had no idea where I was going to go. I knew that my foster parents would not throw me out on the streets but I knew I had better figure something out.
That spring my foster mom told me about a Bible camp that needed volunteers. I grabbed onto that thinking it would give me at least a few more months to figure things out.
I love my biological family but for reasons I dont want to get into right now, going "home" to them was my last resort. My life had changed so much and I was no longer accustomed to the atmosphere there. I dont know how I would have dealt with past situations had they been able to grow back into my present life.
I was so scared arriving at the Bible Camp. I had no idea what to expect. I still felt very much like a child.
My foster parents, sister married at the camp a week end before they needed me so I went up early.
Our living quarters were dorm style. I spent the week watching young ladies come that seemed to know each other already and have their room mates picked out.
I asked a few girls that looked nice if they would room with me only to be shot down as quick as I asked. Starting to feel pretty lame I quit asking.
At the end of the week I found myself in the laundry room collecting sheets to make beds in the cabins around the camp and as I walked in there was a lady not too much older than me. I figured a few years at least. She was very pretty but there was something really intimidating about her as well.
Funniest thing being drawn to someone and a bit scared of them all at the same time.
We worked together as a group. I have to admit I watched her closely and quietly.
It was my worst night mare and what I really wanted all at the same time. She became my room mate.
I slept with "one eye open" that night. You know what she was really neat. She became my best friend for years and I loved her dearly. I did not know at the time that the fear that I was feeling was spiritual.
I was good at "playing" the good little church girl and I was in survival mode. I was there for a bit more time to figure out my life and what I was going to do next and a friend could not hurt.
God had something else in mind.
She sort of took me under her wing and hung out with me and taught me little things here and there.
I watched her because I knew she was different.
I will never forget sitting in the sanctuary at church and being taken in by the music. I had never heard or seen anything like it. My room mate (R) was really involved. I started listening to the words to the music and at one point was not able to keep myself from crying. The people around me were singing love songs to God. I was confused by this. I had never heard anyone sing like this to God. We sang at church at home but nothing like this. There was so much passion.
A couple weeks went by and there was a desire growing in me that I wanted what they had. Watching others and listening to them talk they seemed to have a relationship with God. It was more than "magic" words of asking God in your heart and then going through the motions... There was more.
One night quietly I asked God into my life instead of into my heart and I told Him that I wanted what others had around me.
I had been in a church at one point as a child (for a short time) that believed in speaking in toungues, and laying their hands on one another when they were praying but I never really understood any of it.
When I saw it as a youngster I often thought those must be Gods very favorite.
About a month into volunteering at the camp speaking in toungues was explained as a gift, a prayer language.
I remember one day as a child saying that would never be me but there I was and I wanted it more than anything. I wanted it because I was told it was something special God wanted to give to me. The fear I had known for so long was still there but it was slowly melting off. I was moving more in curiousity and desire for more than out of fear. There were things that I saw or heard that would spark the fear but it was less and less.
I asked God for it, while I sat and I too had begun to sing the songs of love to God. So foreign yet wanted and needed. God gave me that special prayer language that night. Now when I dont know how to pray, I pray quietly in toungues and the Holy Spirit who does know what needs to be prayed, prays through me to God the Father.
That summer was amazing, I met God with out fear and I met His children that did not fear him.
I forgot my goal over time of finding a place to be or something to be doing after camp was over.
I started praying and for the first time asking God for direction. I really felt pulled to go home with my room mate (R) and was told by a few people that I had not even discussed the issue with that they felt that I was to go home with her as well and that God had plans for me there.
I remember asking her where she lived. She told me Winnipeg. I think I spent at least two days looking at maps of Minnesota for Winnipeg and when frustration had reached its peak and I was done being embarressed cause I did not know where it was I asked her and she told me, Canada.
I had been to Canada one time before to visit family in British Columbia, my Junior year in high school.
Ok so I was a little overwhelmed. I asked myself for nearly a week if I was actually going to LEAVE THE COUNTRY? It felt insane.... I was just trying to get my feet on the ground here at home.
I went and I am so happy that I did.
I kept learning about God and his ways, had gained a best friend and a family who I love dearly to this day, and was able to help out at their church.
I did eventually find a small resort that rented rooms in northern Minnesota that became home. It only rented seasonally by the month and I often found myself back in Winnipeg. It had become the one place where I knew I was loved and wanted.
After a few years my friend (R) met a man and I became sort of a third wheel. I dont think she meant it to be that way it just sort of happened. She was on cloud 9 and I was happy for her.
I really desired a mother/daughter relationship with an older lady. I was drawn to her mother (J).
I sat up late with her and watched television with her and in the mornings I sat on the stairs and talked to her while she got ready for work. I did not realise at first that, that was what I was looking for in her. I did grow very fond of her, I loved her and her and her husband became mom and dad. They considered trying to adopt me but I was of age. Even so it meant a lot to me.
You know she still is mom and he still is dad.
Eventually I met my honey and fell in love which brought me back to Wisconsin.
Mom and Dad married us off of the lake in Menomonie,Wi.
(R) had another girl friend (S) and they had their problems and somehow I got tangled in it. It was really hard to go through. It was so long ago. I am sure that I am not completely innocent. It is said that it takes two to tangle but in this case it took three I guess. I tried so hard to stay out of it but it seemed the harder I tried the more stuck I got. The whole situation ate at me. I was losing a dear friend.
The other angle was that it had become very obvious that (R) was in a different world. She was very much more grown up and experienced a lot more of life than I had. We grew apart.
I did not want it to but it affected my relationship with everyone in Winnipeg. It nearly broke my heart, I felt like I was losing mom and dad.
As years went by I "fed" myself reading books that I knew mom and dad would read and watching programs I know they promoted.
I love my husband but he did not have the passion that I found at the camp or saw and felt in Winnipeg.
I had such a desire for more. It became so intense. I needed something. It was hard "tasting" something that was so filling and good and then it was all of the sudden gone or at least felt gone. I felt alone.
To be continued....