*It had taken hours, an eternity it had seemed -- yet still short, too short -- until she'd felt the last vestiges of strength leave her, felt the kidou waver, shredding away under the sheer weight of his power. She'd failed, failed to keep him in check, failed to do the only thing she'd felt able to do. Keep him from hurting anyone else. Bruised eyelids had slipped closed in spite of her protests, hazy view of his triumphant smirk the last thing she noticed, the only mote of hope the equally hazy numbers that glowed red behind him. A matter of hours, until this was over. And maybe, somehow, it had been enough.*
*The warmth of the blanket didn't wake her, it was the nagging presence in the back of her mind, that familiar soft rustle of sense and normalcy that her subconscious effortlessly catalogued as "Ichigo" that drew her out of the murky haze of unconsciousness, letting the pain filter back in. It was a bit hard to breathe, but her fuzzy mind supplied the reminder that it wasn't serious, she'd put her rather meager knowledge of healing kidou to use on herself before, and at least stabilized the fracture enough that her life wasn't in danger. Eyelids fluttered slightly, brows drawing together with a faint groan before lifting just slightly with a murmer of his name.*
[ he watches her stir, barely moving at all, almost not seeming to register her movement as she turns her head towards him. he takes in her labored breathing, the care with which she shifts, the faint tone of her voice as she whispers his name, and turns his head to the side, looking away from her ]
*Eyelids flutter again, lifting further, pupils contracting as her eyes lazily sweep the room, unerringly finding him, expression softening slightly. She bites her lip as he refuses to meet her gaze. He must be upset with her, over what she did. Regardless, she manages a faint half smile.*
[ he can't look at her, feeling the soft smile in her voice as his eyes fix on the blank wall, brows pulled together. when he finally speaks, his voice is impossibly faint barely audible ]
*Frowns, biting back a hiss of pain, pushing herself up carefully just enough to raise her head and look at him, ignoring the protests from much-abused muscles. Narrowing eyes slightly at him, she takes in his battered appearance.*
[ it's funny, he thinks, how he can still see everything she's doing, every expression on her face, even though he's not even looking at her. he doesn't lift an hand to help her, having already done all the bandaging he could ]
*She hates it when he acts like that, when he drops himself down into the depression, wallowing in self-loathing over something that he couldn't control. Narrowing her eyes further, fingers tighten around the pillow, contemplating lobbing it at his head. But that would require more strength then she has right now.*
The hell it doesn't.
*She wishes he would come closer, that he'd at least look at her, but then he's probably upset, disgusted with her for agreeing to it, for the fact that she actually enjoyed it to a degree.
[ he winces at that, pressing his lips together and turning away more, so his body angles away from her, welcoming the pain of his injuries as he moves. a reminder. he deserves this. ]
*It's hard, watching him this way, wanting both to offer what comfort she can -- not that she's very good at that sort of thing -- and to beat the sarcasm and belligerence back into his damned orange head. But under that, there;'s the guilt, the feeling that this is her fault, that had she been stronger, more able to face him on equal ground, none of this would have happened.*
.....I see. So that's how it is.
*Gritting teeth, because no she doesn't feel that sting of frustrated tears, or the tightening in her throat. If she can ignore it, then it isn't there, and can just be chalked up to injuries.*
I'm sorry, Ichigo. Sorry I failed you.
*It's shameful, but it's easier right now to avoid it, to avoid watching his back, because it only makes the fact that he's putting as much distance between them as he can all the more apparent, and if she doesn't look at him, maybe she'll stop wishing he would stop this and just be normal again.
[ looks up, surprised, glancing over his shoulder at her as she apologizes, and something twists in his chest. she shouldn't be saying sorry for anything ]
No. [ he's saying, shaking his head at her, brows furrowing ]
It's not your fault.
[ he drops his gaze, slumping back against the wall, defeated ]
*Shakes her head. He isn't thinking clearly. It isn't as though he forced her into anything, she was the one who gave him the opportunity and the idea in the first place.*
No it isn't. It was a curse, Ichigo. I... should have been stronger. Then you wouldn't have been able to get loose, to go out. I didn't want anyone getting hurt.
*Glances away, concentrating on evening her breathing, trying to focus and make the painful twinge dissipate.*
[ doesn't quite look at her, his gaze fixed on an invisible point over her shoulder, eyes narrowing. he doesn't need to look to see the bandages he himself wrapped her in, the bruises and cuts they cover, and everything they don't ]
He. He. [ he corrects her, even though he knows it really isn't true. the hollow is him, and he's the hollow, and that's what's so painful about the whole thing. he sighs, shoulders slumping, his eyes squeezing closed ]
*She kicks herself mentally -- of course HE, because that creature isn't the man she loves, no matter that what he says is true and he's a part of him, it's still not the same. Shaking her head, she looks up at him, trying to catch his eyes, to draw them away from that spot behind her he's so determinadly fixed upon.*
I made a choice, Ichigo. You don't have to apologize for that. I couldn't let him get loose, so I did what I had to do to keep him here.
*Watching him stubbornly refuse to look at her, she draws arms around herself, unconsciously tugging the blanket up to cover the lurid purple markings on her throat, the bitemarks on her shoulders. She knows he knows they're there, but she just wants to pretend they aren't, to put it behind them and move on.*
.....you can't even stand to look at me, can you....
*She doesn't understand why he can't see, why he can't understand that as much as she might want to think it was, at least in some portion of her mind, it wasn't rape. It wasn't forced. Coerced, yes. But that doesn't undo the fact that she offered herself up to him, to the Hollow, that in spite of everything she tried, everything she wanted, she enjoyed it.*
It....I didn't fight back, Ichigo. I...I was the one who offered myself to him in the first place. And...
*It's hard to breathe anyway, even harder as the weight of shame and guilt presses down. Biting her lip and looking away, one single tear the only outward sign of inner turmoil.*
...I'm the one who should be ashamed....I...I tried, but....I couldn't help it....couldn't...
*She can't bring herselt to say the words, to verbalize the shame she feels at the truth the Hollow's words held, that no matter how much she may have loathed his touch, there was a part of her that betrayed her, that betrayed HIM.*
[ he doesn't know what to say, even though he knows he should say something, because she doesn't get it -- it doesn't matter if she gave herself up, or let his hollow do what he did. she didn't want it, didn't want to, only did it out of obligation for him, to try to help him.
he winces, just slightly, his gaze dropping to the floor in front of him ]
Rukia. It's not your fault. [ he repeats, voice still faint, but stronger ]
*The warmth of the blanket didn't wake her, it was the nagging presence in the back of her mind, that familiar soft rustle of sense and normalcy that her subconscious effortlessly catalogued as "Ichigo" that drew her out of the murky haze of unconsciousness, letting the pain filter back in. It was a bit hard to breathe, but her fuzzy mind supplied the reminder that it wasn't serious, she'd put her rather meager knowledge of healing kidou to use on herself before, and at least stabilized the fracture enough that her life wasn't in danger. Eyelids fluttered slightly, brows drawing together with a faint groan before lifting just slightly with a murmer of his name.*
...Ichigo.....
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You're you again.... I'm glad.
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Yeah.
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*Frowns, biting back a hiss of pain, pushing herself up carefully just enough to raise her head and look at him, ignoring the protests from much-abused muscles. Narrowing eyes slightly at him, she takes in his battered appearance.*
Idiot....you didn't take any care of yourself..
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It doesn't matter.
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The hell it doesn't.
*She wishes he would come closer, that he'd at least look at her, but then he's probably upset, disgusted with her for agreeing to it, for the fact that she actually enjoyed it to a degree.
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.....I see. So that's how it is.
*Gritting teeth, because no she doesn't feel that sting of frustrated tears, or the tightening in her throat. If she can ignore it, then it isn't there, and can just be chalked up to injuries.*
I'm sorry, Ichigo. Sorry I failed you.
*It's shameful, but it's easier right now to avoid it, to avoid watching his back, because it only makes the fact that he's putting as much distance between them as he can all the more apparent, and if she doesn't look at him, maybe she'll stop wishing he would stop this and just be normal again.
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No. [ he's saying, shaking his head at her, brows furrowing ]
It's not your fault.
[ he drops his gaze, slumping back against the wall, defeated ]
It's mine.
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No it isn't. It was a curse, Ichigo. I... should have been stronger. Then you wouldn't have been able to get loose, to go out. I didn't want anyone getting hurt.
*Glances away, concentrating on evening her breathing, trying to focus and make the painful twinge dissipate.*
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He. He. [ he corrects her, even though he knows it really isn't true. the hollow is him, and he's the hollow, and that's what's so painful about the whole thing. he sighs, shoulders slumping, his eyes squeezing closed ]
I'm so sorry, Rukia.
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I made a choice, Ichigo. You don't have to apologize for that. I couldn't let him get loose, so I did what I had to do to keep him here.
*Watching him stubbornly refuse to look at her, she draws arms around herself, unconsciously tugging the blanket up to cover the lurid purple markings on her throat, the bitemarks on her shoulders. She knows he knows they're there, but she just wants to pretend they aren't, to put it behind them and move on.*
.....you can't even stand to look at me, can you....
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Rukia. I--he--I... raped you.
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*She doesn't understand why he can't see, why he can't understand that as much as she might want to think it was, at least in some portion of her mind, it wasn't rape. It wasn't forced. Coerced, yes. But that doesn't undo the fact that she offered herself up to him, to the Hollow, that in spite of everything she tried, everything she wanted, she enjoyed it.*
It....I didn't fight back, Ichigo. I...I was the one who offered myself to him in the first place. And...
*It's hard to breathe anyway, even harder as the weight of shame and guilt presses down. Biting her lip and looking away, one single tear the only outward sign of inner turmoil.*
...I'm the one who should be ashamed....I...I tried, but....I couldn't help it....couldn't...
*She can't bring herselt to say the words, to verbalize the shame she feels at the truth the Hollow's words held, that no matter how much she may have loathed his touch, there was a part of her that betrayed her, that betrayed HIM.*
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he winces, just slightly, his gaze dropping to the floor in front of him ]
Rukia. It's not your fault. [ he repeats, voice still faint, but stronger ]
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