[fic] In Which There are Pirates and Also Babysitting (Saiyan Babies 02)
Title: In Which There are Pirates and Also Babysitting (Saiyan Babies 02)
Fandom: Dragon Ball Z (AU)
Character(s): Goku (Kakarrot), Vegeta, Tarble, Turles, Broly, Raditz, and Nappa with appearances from others
Pairing(s): none...sort of
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Akira Toriyama does along with assorted others.
Warnings: none.
Author's Note: AU. No powers, etc.
Summary: Nappa didn’t find out until the day before the annual company picnic that he wasn’t going to be attending.
--
Nappa didn’t find out until the day before the annual company picnic that he wasn’t going to be attending. He honestly didn’t care. Like the dinner a few weeks back, spending more time than necessary with his co-workers wasn’t very high on his “want” list. His boss had merely come up to him the day before the picnic and informed him that he had a special assignment for him. Again, he had readily accepted it without thinking about what it could be or what it entailed.
When Bardock approached him, however, he realized it. By then, though, it was too late and he found himself playing nanny to the six worst kids on the planet. Again.
This time around, his boss arrived first.
“Here,” he said curtly, thrusting Tarble into Nappa’s arms. He pulled the strap of a diaper bag off of his shoulder and handed that to him as well.
Immediately, the toddler entwined his arms around Nappa’s neck and he knew that the kid was going to pull his remora routine again.
“Why do you have to come here again?” Vegeta huffed, turning his face up to glare at his father. “It smells like dust and there isn’t anything to do!”
Perhaps wisely, his complaint was ignored. His boss just smiled at Nappa.
“I’ll be back for them this evening,” he reported.
“Wait, evening?”
Like Vegeta, Nappa’s remark of surprise was ignored. Instead, he turned to the boys.
“Good-bye,” he said in the same curt voice, as though speaking to clients or employees as opposed to his own sons.
“Dad!” Vegeta whined. “Don’t ignore me!”
This time, his complaint was answered by the door to Nappa’s house closing. Disgruntled, the five-year-old turned to glare at Nappa as though it was somehow his fault.
“Daddy!” Tarble whined, wriggling in Nappa’s arms. “Daddy!”
He started squirming, trying to get out of his hold and chase after his father at the door.
“Daddy!”
“Shut up, Tarble!”
Nappa recalled, vividly, the day his boss brought in the video when this kid was born. He had hired a professional cameraman, of course, since they were obscenely wealthy and had mercifully left out the actual birth in favor of showing the rest of the family meeting the baby. If he remembered correctly, the crowning moment of that video was Vegeta screeching that they “put him back” and that he “was the baby.” Then again, the last time he had babysat, the five-year-old had taken pretty alright care of his brother so maybe he no longer wished he didn’t exist.
Tarble responded to his brother’s shout by pressing his face into the side of Nappa’s neck.
“Here,” Nappa said gruffly. “Take him.”
He tried dislodging Tarble from his torso but found that, for a three-year-old, the kid had an incredibly tight grip.
“Didn’t wanna anyway,” Vegeta replied, lifting his nose in the air.
Before he could try and think up a reply to that statement, the doorbell rang. And rang again. And again. In fact, it didn’t stop ringing until Nappa used his free hand to open the door. He saw that Bardock had arrived. Kakarrot was standing on his tiptoes, jamming one tiny finger into the doorbell.
“I like the noise!” he said brightly.
“Stop it!” Raditz said hitting his brother on the back. “It’s annoyin’!”
Turles popped his head out from behind Raditz’s thick head of hair and nodded. “Yeah!”
“Raditz, don’t hit your brother,” Bardock drawled. “Kakarrot, stop pressing the doorbell.”
“’Kay!”
The ringing thankfully stopped and the trio of boys entered the house pushing past Nappa to get into the living room. He followed them before meeting Bardock in the eyes.
“What’s he doing here again?” he asked, jerking his head towards Turles.
“He followed us again,” Bardock replied, cocking a brow. “Problem?”
Nappa grimaced. “No. Not at all.”
If one didn’t have a problem with whacko seven-year-olds with uncanny knowledge about the Donner Party as well as the propensity to spout variations of the word “fuck,” then no one would have a problem with Turles.
“Get off!”
Nappa turned to see that Kakarrot was already hugging Vegeta, spouting about how he missed playing with his “bestest friend.”
“You know the deal, right?” Bardock’s voice brought his attention back to the doorway.
“Yeah, yeah, if anything happens to any of them, you’ll fucking kill me,” he replied.
“After torturing you in painful and creative ways,” the younger man finished with an icy glare. He glanced over Nappa’s shoulder and, when he spoke again, his voice was louder. “Boys, come say bye to daddy.”
Kakarrot and Raditz dashed over and hugged their dad good-bye before Bardock, too, left.
“Okay,” Nappa said. “We just have to wait for Broly and then everyone is here.”
To his surprise, Kakarrot pulled a face.
“I don’t like Broly,” he said matter-of-factly. “’Cause he don’t like me for no reason!”
“He’s weird,” Raditz agreed.
He decided to try to be diplomatic. “Broly isn’t weird.”
“Is so!”
Nappa decided to give up on convincing them that Broly wasn’t weird (mostly because he actually agreed with them) and simply waited for him to show up. As usual, his dad handed him off with a “For the love of God, be good” and left without properly saying good-bye. And, as usual, Broly was sucking on his fingers and not speaking. He bristled a little when he saw Kakarrot but didn’t say anything.
“So…” Nappa tried. “What do you kids want to do?”
“Outside!” Kakarrot shouted far louder than he should have.
Broly pulled his fingers out of his mouth and then covered his ears with both hands.
“Yeah, no. It’s already too hot out. Pick something else.”
“Wanna go outside!” he repeated, his brow furrowing as if he wasn’t sure why he was being denied a request.
“Yeah, me too!” Raditz chimed in.
“Fuck!” Apparently Turles agreed.
Vegeta crossed his arms and lifted his nose in the air again. “I do, too. It smells like dust in here and makes me sneeze.”
Tarble said nothing as his face was still buried in the slope of Nappa’s neck. Broly, probably not wanting to agree with Kakarrot, also joined in the silence.
“No,” Nappa replied firmly. “If one of you dies of heat exhaustion, your dad’s gonna kill me.”
“He will not!” Vegeta shot back.
“I wasn’t talkin’ about your dad, Veggie.”
He could just imagine what Bardock would do to him. He was definitely someone he didn’t want to cross, especially when it came to his kids.
“Okay, how about you guys play upstairs or something while I make lunch?” he said with a sigh.
That seemed to please them and, en masse, they ran for the steps. Broly lingered behind until, thankfully, Turles grabbed the hand not wedged in his mouth and dragged him upstairs.
With Tarble still clinging to him and whimpering about his daddy, Nappa went into the kitchen, trying to decide what to feed everyone that would make them happy. Not that he really cared, of course. It was just easier to accommodate them than deal with the whining of terrifying children. This time he knew from experience that holding Tarble was not conducive to preparing food. Through sheer will and determination, he managed to pry the toddler off of him and sat him on the kitchen floor.
“Stay,” he commanded, pointing a finger at him.
Nappa went to the fridge and fished out some ingredients to make sandwiches. He didn’t know if the kids liked salami and pepper jack cheese on pumpernickel bread but, Goddamnit, they were going to eat it. He managed to properly construct seven sandwiches while listening for any telltale signs of child pain from upstairs. He set them each on plates and placed them on the table before grabbing cushions for the kids to sit on.
“Come down and eat!” he called to them.
The thunderous sound of feet on the steps was his answer and all five of the kids raced into the kitchen-Broly included.
“Food!” Kakarrot said excitedly, his eyes lighting up.
“Yeah, don’t pee yourself kid,” Nappa instructed him. “Calm down.”
Tarble looked over at Nappa and blinked.
“I…pee.”
“That’s real nice to know,” Turles said back, biting into his sandwich. “Bet it helps when your bladder’s full’n’all.”
Vegeta balled up a napkin and threw it at him. “Don’t be mean to Tarble!”
Turles balled his fists and slammed both of them down on the table.
“Don’t throw things at me you fuckin’ kindergartener!”
“Don’t be mean to ‘Geta! He’s my bestest friend!”
“I AM NOT!”
“Grr, don’t yell at my brother!”
“I will when he stops saying I’m his bestest friend!”
“BUT YOU ARE!”
“KAKARROT!!”
Before Nappa could try and figure out how this meal went to hell so quickly, everyone fell silent. Kakarrot sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. Broly let out a low growl that sounded not unlike a cat’s and put both of his hands over his nose.
“What’s that smell?” Vegeta demanded as if the very presence of the odor was offending him in some way.
In unison, the six seated at the table turned to see Tarble standing in the middle of the kitchen with tears in his eyes and a dark stain spreading through the seat of his Oshkosh’s.
“Smell!” Broly whined, still pinching his nostrils shut.
Nappa picked Tarble up gingerly, held him at arm’s length and started walking out of the kitchen, still holding him out as if the toddler was crawling with some disease.
“’Pank him!” Broly continued. “Smells bad!”
“You can’t spank kids for stinkin’,” Raditz said back, matter-of-factly.
The younger boy seemed to consider these words before replying with, “Put ‘im inna hole! ‘Inna dirt!”
Vegeta bared his teeth. “Not my brother!”
Nappa looked over his shoulder and glared.
“All of you shut yer yaps while I deal with this, okay?”
Miraculously, they all did.
--
Nappa came back after depositing Tarble in the downstairs bathroom to take care of himself and saw that the boys had finished eating.
“Where’s Tarble?” Vegeta demanded.
It occurred to Nappa that the five-year-old never actually asked for anything. It was always a demand.
“Well, I sent him in there to clean himself up.” Nappa jerked a thumb towards the bathroom.
At that, Vegeta scrunched him his face as if in confusion. “You let Tarble go to the potty by himself?”
He nodded, wondering where he was going with this.
“With poopy pants?”
“Uh, yeah?”
He jumped down off of his chair and started stomping out of the kitchen.
“You are so stupid, Nappa!”
“Mmmh,” Broly hummed, apparently slighted at Vegeta’s use of the word ‘stupid.’
A mounting feeling of dread began to gather in Nappa’s chest, clutching his heart in a vice.
“What do you mean? He’s old enough to wipe his own ass, right?”
Kakarrot slid off of his chair and started after Vegeta. Nappa reached out and grabbed the kid by the back of his shirt.
“Hey, go check in the bathroom on Tarble, okay?”
“Okay!” Of course the reply was chipper.
Kakarrot scurried to the door and opened his a crack, peeking his head in. Immediately, he retracted it.
“EWWWW!” he squealed.
“What?” Nappa rushed forward. “Tell me he’s clean-or wiping. Or whatever.”
Kakarrot shook his head. “I can’t. I’m not allowed to tell lies or my nose’ll grow like Pintokio!!”
--
Tarble, as it turned out, had tried very hard to do what his nanny (and, to a lesser extent, his father) had showed him to do. He was now dirtier for his effort and the entire downstairs bathroom was trashed. Nappa managed to clean it up, stuffing everything-including his clothes-into a giant garbage bag while the other kids stood by, glaring at the toddler judgmentally with their fingers clamped over their noses. Tarble, meanwhile, was sobbing, burying his little face in his hands as if he was simply too ashamed to look at anyone.
Reluctantly, he grabbed the diaper bag and Tarble and dashed upstairs to give him a bath. Even more reluctantly, he put Turles and Raditz in charge while he was gone.
He cleaned Tarble up as fast as he could, rubbed him dry with a towel and pulled fresh clothes out of his bag.
“Don’t wanna be in trouble,” he whimpered, looking up at Nappa with big, scared eyes.
“Uh…you won’t be, kid. Promise.”
When they came downstairs, he found what appeared to be bedlam. Someone-he suspected Turles-had gotten it in his head that they needed a fort. One had been hastily constructed out of couch cushions and old pillows they had pulled from the linen closet in the hall. Turles and Raditz were crawling on the floor and each boy had a meticulously folded paper hat on his head. In the actual fort itself, Vegeta and Kakarrot poked their heads up before ducking them back down. Kakarrot wore a paper hat identical to Turles and Raditz’s but Vegeta had apparently made himself a crown. Broly had been given a hat but he was too busy hiding under blankets next to the couch.
“What is going on here?” Nappa asked, staring at the bizarre tableau in front of him.
“We’re pirates!” Turles said proudly.
“Argh!” Raditz exclaimed.
Kakarrot popped his head up over the couch cushion fort and beamed.
“We’re Fort…um…something in the Car-ib-ee-an. I’m a general! And Geta’s a prince!”
Of course he was. Raditz pointed to Broly who was peering his face out from under the ratty old afghan.
“He’s a shark.”
Of course he was.
“So, uh, I’m back. So why don’t you guys-”
Nappa’s words were caught in his throat when the sound of jingling bells was heard outside. It took him a moment to realize that it was tinny music playing a repetitive, awful song that was just audible through the door. Kakarrot, of course, recognized the music first.
“ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN!”
Before Nappa could stop them, they all raced towards the door. Paper hats were flung off in the rush and trampled underfoot. He lifted Tarble above the stampede of children so the toddler could avoid being trampled. As they were adamant about getting ice cream, Nappa had no choice but to follow them out the door.
Luckily, the truck was already stopped for a little girl and her mother. The boys were all shouting out their orders to the ice cream man at once.
“One at a time,” the old man pleaded. “One at a time!”
The little girl who had a strawberry shortcake bar in her mouth looked over at them. When her eyes landed on Vegeta, they lit up.
“Hey!” she said happily. “Mommy, look! It’s my boyfriend!”
Vegeta had been reaching up to get his chocolate éclair bar from the ice cream man and turned to her, eyes wide.
“I am not!” he blurted, his eyes darting around to the other boys.
The little girl pouted and glared at him. “Are so! You said!”
Raditz snickered behind his Dreamsicle. “Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend! Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend!”
The five-year-old’s face turned bright red and the little girl reached out to take his hand in hers.
“He’s my boyfriend ‘cos I said I’ll push him on the swings ‘cos his feets don’t touch and I’ll share my desserts if he holds my hand and pushes people outta the way of the drinking fountain so I can get cuts!” she said proudly.
Nappa couldn’t help but smirk. This was actually pretty funny.
“And what’s your girlfriend’s name, Veggie?” he asked.
“I’m Bulma!” she responded for him, grinning broadly.
Kakarrot reached up to take his push-pop from the vendor and widened his eyes.
“I want one too, now, if Geta gots one!”
Raditz shook his head. “No way, Kakarrot. If a girl starts likin’ you then you gotta run ‘cos they give you cooties.”
Turles nodded sagely. “Fuckin’ cooties.”
Bulma’s face turned bright red. “We do not!”
Her mother, meanwhile, seemed entirely oblivious to the conversation occurring. Nappa watched the scene with bemusement as he handed over the money for the boys’ ice cream.
From seemingly nowhere, just as he was about to grab the kids and escape the heat, a blur streaked over to the ice cream truck and wrapped his arms around Vegeta’s waist. The blur turned out to be a small child who was perhaps three and, for some reason, running around unaccompanied. His hair was inexplicably lavender and he wore dark blue overalls. A toy sword was strapped to his back.
“Daddy!” he exclaimed. “Can I has moneys to buy ice ceam, daddy?”
To Nappa’s utter surprise, the five-year-old reached into his pocket and produced a crumpled dollar bill. Standing on his tiptoes, he pushed it towards the ice cream vendor.
“Another push-pop,” he demanded in that harsh way of his that no small child should possess.
The ice cream man handed the pop to him and Vegeta carefully peeled off the top and hit the stick a couple of times against the truck to push the ice cream out before handing it to the kid. He happily took it in both hands and began slurping the orange sherbet.
“Fankoo, daddy!”
Nappa sighed. “I know I’m going to regret asking you this-but why did that kid call you daddy?”
“Trunks goes to Tarble’s nursery school,” he replied. “And he doesn’t got parents so I ‘dopted him.”
Bulma dropped her strawberry shortcake bar on the ground and pulled Vegeta into a tight hug.
“Ohmigod!” she squealed. “I love you, Vegeta! I can’t wait until we’re married and we have babies for reals!”
Raditz wrinkled his nose and took his Dreamsicle out of his mouth.
“Ew,” he remarked.
Vegeta pushed her off. “Ew-don’t wanna think about bein’ married.”
“Do I gots a daddy and a mommy now?” Trunks asked, shifting his gaze between them as he licked his push-pop.
Bulma grinned and put her hand on top of his lavender head. “Uh-huh!”
After the rather amusing scene, Nappa herded the boys back to the house. It was unbearably hot out and, ice cream or no, he didn’t want to risky any of them (well, Raditz or Kakarrot anyway) collapsing from the heat. As they entered the air-conditioned house, he did a quick headcount of six. It wasn’t until he was halfway back into the destroyed living room did he realize that there couldn’t possibly be six boys behind him as Tarble was still clinging to him like a remora meaning that there should only be five others.
Nappa turned back around and noticed that, unlike the other boys, the newcomer’s hair wasn’t black. It was lavender.
“Damnit, Vegeta,” he exclaimed. “You can’t bring your ‘son’ in here. I ain’t gonna be responsible for him.”
The little kid stomped up to him and tilted his face up, clearly challenging him. “Yeah, well, Trunks can’t go runnin’ around by hisself. He’s a baby.”
Nappa sighed. There was no arguing with his kid. He was used to getting what he wanted because his family was obscenely rich.
“Fine but you watch ‘im.”
“Fine!” He turned to the little boy and offered his hand. “Come on, Trunks. You can come in the fort with us.”
It occurred to him that he had just argued and lost with a five-year-old and idly wondered what his life had become.
--
The kids played in the fort while Nappa sat in the kitchen, trying to get Tarble off him and take a nap or whatever three-year-olds did. He heard soft footfalls and looked up to see that Kakarrot had entered the room and was looking up at him wide-eyed.
“What do you want?” he asked tiredly.
“Geta kicked me outta the fort ‘cos Trunks has to nap and I’m hungry. Can I have snacks?”
Nappa sighed and rose from the table. He pulled several bags of chips and cheese doodles out of the pantry and handed them to him.
“Here,” he said gruffly. “Have a party.”
He figured there were enough snacks in there to keep him-and hopefully the other kids-busy while he got some time to himself. Well, himself and Tarble but that kid was so quiet that he was basically like himself.
Turles and Raditz were still playing pirates and apparently “attacking a shark,” which made Broly let out a screech in anger. Which made Vegeta angrily shush them saying that Trunks was trying to sleep and he had a sword and wasn’t afraid to use it. The only other sounds were the sound of chewing, which made Nappa hope that the kids were now occupying themselves with what he had given to Kakarrot.
He got a good twenty minutes to himself before Raditz marched into the room. “Hey, I’m hungry.”
“I gave Kakarrot snacks to give you guys. How are you hungry again?”
He narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Kakarrot didn’t give us nothing.”
“But I…” It slowly dawned on him what happened.
Rising quickly from the table, Nappa raced to the other room, stirring Tarble who let out a little yelp and buried his face in his neck again.
He found Kakarrot sitting on the floor in the hallway with empty bags around him. His face was smeared with orange powder and his hands were over his stomach, which visibly stuck out from under his shirt.
“I don’t feel good,” he whimpered.
Raditz, who had followed him, squatted next to his brother. “Dad tol’ you not to eat so much all the time or you’ll get a tummyache. And Nappa said that was for everyone so I’m gonna tell dad you was greedy. And you’re gonna hafta sit on your bed.”
His eyes went wide. “D-don’t…”
Nappa realized that “letting my kid stuff himself until he was about to pop” probably qualified under things that would make Bardock kill him.
“Uh…what if we don’t tell your dad, huh? He’s obviously scared of getting in trouble. Right, Kakarrot?”
He nodded and then winced and held his stomach again.
“Uh…I bet you’re tired after all that eating, right? Why don’t you guy lie down in the fort and take a nap with Trunks?”
Nappa was pretty proud of himself. He was totally getting this “talking to kids” thing down. He helped Kakarrot get to his feet and the kid promptly leaned over and threw cheese doodles and Doritos all up over him. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked up at Nappa with big eyes.
“Oops.”
--
It finally came that glorious time in the evening where their fathers were arriving to pick them up. His boss came first.
“Daddy!” Immediately Tarble let go of his death grip on Nappa to latch onto his father. The little tease.
Vegeta came out, holding Trunks’s hand. Their father looked at the newest addition and sighed. He was grateful that the man didn’t notice that Tarble was wearing different clothes from that morning.
“I told you before, he has his own family.”
“Does not! He’s comin’ home with us right now, dad.”
It made him feel marginally better that his boss also lost an argument with a five-year-old and the three of them left. Paragus showed up next and took Broly away without much fuss. Actually, since he spent most of the day pretending to be a shark, Nappa decided that he was his favorite outside of Tarble. Finally, Bardock showed up.
“Dad! Daaaad!” Raditz cried. “I got somethin’ t’ say!”
Turles shushed him and whispered, “No one likes tattle-talers, Raditz. Don’t say nothin’.”
Nappa decided he liked Turles a lot better now. Reluctantly, Kakarrot walked over to them. His face had been cleaned of cheese powder and vomit but it was still quite obvious that he had eaten the contents of three family-sized bags of chips. Bardock looked at his distended belly and sighed. Nappa began to realize that this was probably a common occurrence in their household.
When they left, he started putting his living room back together and paused. There was a strange feeling in his chest. Did he…did he miss those little monsters? Nappa curled his lip. Hell no. Perish the thought.
Fandom: Dragon Ball Z (AU)
Character(s): Goku (Kakarrot), Vegeta, Tarble, Turles, Broly, Raditz, and Nappa with appearances from others
Pairing(s): none...sort of
Word Count: ~4000
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Akira Toriyama does along with assorted others.
Warnings: none.
Author's Note: AU. No powers, etc.
Summary: Nappa didn’t find out until the day before the annual company picnic that he wasn’t going to be attending.
--
Nappa didn’t find out until the day before the annual company picnic that he wasn’t going to be attending. He honestly didn’t care. Like the dinner a few weeks back, spending more time than necessary with his co-workers wasn’t very high on his “want” list. His boss had merely come up to him the day before the picnic and informed him that he had a special assignment for him. Again, he had readily accepted it without thinking about what it could be or what it entailed.
When Bardock approached him, however, he realized it. By then, though, it was too late and he found himself playing nanny to the six worst kids on the planet. Again.
This time around, his boss arrived first.
“Here,” he said curtly, thrusting Tarble into Nappa’s arms. He pulled the strap of a diaper bag off of his shoulder and handed that to him as well.
Immediately, the toddler entwined his arms around Nappa’s neck and he knew that the kid was going to pull his remora routine again.
“Why do you have to come here again?” Vegeta huffed, turning his face up to glare at his father. “It smells like dust and there isn’t anything to do!”
Perhaps wisely, his complaint was ignored. His boss just smiled at Nappa.
“I’ll be back for them this evening,” he reported.
“Wait, evening?”
Like Vegeta, Nappa’s remark of surprise was ignored. Instead, he turned to the boys.
“Good-bye,” he said in the same curt voice, as though speaking to clients or employees as opposed to his own sons.
“Dad!” Vegeta whined. “Don’t ignore me!”
This time, his complaint was answered by the door to Nappa’s house closing. Disgruntled, the five-year-old turned to glare at Nappa as though it was somehow his fault.
“Daddy!” Tarble whined, wriggling in Nappa’s arms. “Daddy!”
He started squirming, trying to get out of his hold and chase after his father at the door.
“Daddy!”
“Shut up, Tarble!”
Nappa recalled, vividly, the day his boss brought in the video when this kid was born. He had hired a professional cameraman, of course, since they were obscenely wealthy and had mercifully left out the actual birth in favor of showing the rest of the family meeting the baby. If he remembered correctly, the crowning moment of that video was Vegeta screeching that they “put him back” and that he “was the baby.” Then again, the last time he had babysat, the five-year-old had taken pretty alright care of his brother so maybe he no longer wished he didn’t exist.
Tarble responded to his brother’s shout by pressing his face into the side of Nappa’s neck.
“Here,” Nappa said gruffly. “Take him.”
He tried dislodging Tarble from his torso but found that, for a three-year-old, the kid had an incredibly tight grip.
“Didn’t wanna anyway,” Vegeta replied, lifting his nose in the air.
Before he could try and think up a reply to that statement, the doorbell rang. And rang again. And again. In fact, it didn’t stop ringing until Nappa used his free hand to open the door. He saw that Bardock had arrived. Kakarrot was standing on his tiptoes, jamming one tiny finger into the doorbell.
“I like the noise!” he said brightly.
“Stop it!” Raditz said hitting his brother on the back. “It’s annoyin’!”
Turles popped his head out from behind Raditz’s thick head of hair and nodded. “Yeah!”
“Raditz, don’t hit your brother,” Bardock drawled. “Kakarrot, stop pressing the doorbell.”
“’Kay!”
The ringing thankfully stopped and the trio of boys entered the house pushing past Nappa to get into the living room. He followed them before meeting Bardock in the eyes.
“What’s he doing here again?” he asked, jerking his head towards Turles.
“He followed us again,” Bardock replied, cocking a brow. “Problem?”
Nappa grimaced. “No. Not at all.”
If one didn’t have a problem with whacko seven-year-olds with uncanny knowledge about the Donner Party as well as the propensity to spout variations of the word “fuck,” then no one would have a problem with Turles.
“Get off!”
Nappa turned to see that Kakarrot was already hugging Vegeta, spouting about how he missed playing with his “bestest friend.”
“You know the deal, right?” Bardock’s voice brought his attention back to the doorway.
“Yeah, yeah, if anything happens to any of them, you’ll fucking kill me,” he replied.
“After torturing you in painful and creative ways,” the younger man finished with an icy glare. He glanced over Nappa’s shoulder and, when he spoke again, his voice was louder. “Boys, come say bye to daddy.”
Kakarrot and Raditz dashed over and hugged their dad good-bye before Bardock, too, left.
“Okay,” Nappa said. “We just have to wait for Broly and then everyone is here.”
To his surprise, Kakarrot pulled a face.
“I don’t like Broly,” he said matter-of-factly. “’Cause he don’t like me for no reason!”
“He’s weird,” Raditz agreed.
He decided to try to be diplomatic. “Broly isn’t weird.”
“Is so!”
Nappa decided to give up on convincing them that Broly wasn’t weird (mostly because he actually agreed with them) and simply waited for him to show up. As usual, his dad handed him off with a “For the love of God, be good” and left without properly saying good-bye. And, as usual, Broly was sucking on his fingers and not speaking. He bristled a little when he saw Kakarrot but didn’t say anything.
“So…” Nappa tried. “What do you kids want to do?”
“Outside!” Kakarrot shouted far louder than he should have.
Broly pulled his fingers out of his mouth and then covered his ears with both hands.
“Yeah, no. It’s already too hot out. Pick something else.”
“Wanna go outside!” he repeated, his brow furrowing as if he wasn’t sure why he was being denied a request.
“Yeah, me too!” Raditz chimed in.
“Fuck!” Apparently Turles agreed.
Vegeta crossed his arms and lifted his nose in the air again. “I do, too. It smells like dust in here and makes me sneeze.”
Tarble said nothing as his face was still buried in the slope of Nappa’s neck. Broly, probably not wanting to agree with Kakarrot, also joined in the silence.
“No,” Nappa replied firmly. “If one of you dies of heat exhaustion, your dad’s gonna kill me.”
“He will not!” Vegeta shot back.
“I wasn’t talkin’ about your dad, Veggie.”
He could just imagine what Bardock would do to him. He was definitely someone he didn’t want to cross, especially when it came to his kids.
“Okay, how about you guys play upstairs or something while I make lunch?” he said with a sigh.
That seemed to please them and, en masse, they ran for the steps. Broly lingered behind until, thankfully, Turles grabbed the hand not wedged in his mouth and dragged him upstairs.
With Tarble still clinging to him and whimpering about his daddy, Nappa went into the kitchen, trying to decide what to feed everyone that would make them happy. Not that he really cared, of course. It was just easier to accommodate them than deal with the whining of terrifying children. This time he knew from experience that holding Tarble was not conducive to preparing food. Through sheer will and determination, he managed to pry the toddler off of him and sat him on the kitchen floor.
“Stay,” he commanded, pointing a finger at him.
Nappa went to the fridge and fished out some ingredients to make sandwiches. He didn’t know if the kids liked salami and pepper jack cheese on pumpernickel bread but, Goddamnit, they were going to eat it. He managed to properly construct seven sandwiches while listening for any telltale signs of child pain from upstairs. He set them each on plates and placed them on the table before grabbing cushions for the kids to sit on.
“Come down and eat!” he called to them.
The thunderous sound of feet on the steps was his answer and all five of the kids raced into the kitchen-Broly included.
“Food!” Kakarrot said excitedly, his eyes lighting up.
“Yeah, don’t pee yourself kid,” Nappa instructed him. “Calm down.”
Tarble looked over at Nappa and blinked.
“I…pee.”
“That’s real nice to know,” Turles said back, biting into his sandwich. “Bet it helps when your bladder’s full’n’all.”
Vegeta balled up a napkin and threw it at him. “Don’t be mean to Tarble!”
Turles balled his fists and slammed both of them down on the table.
“Don’t throw things at me you fuckin’ kindergartener!”
“Don’t be mean to ‘Geta! He’s my bestest friend!”
“I AM NOT!”
“Grr, don’t yell at my brother!”
“I will when he stops saying I’m his bestest friend!”
“BUT YOU ARE!”
“KAKARROT!!”
Before Nappa could try and figure out how this meal went to hell so quickly, everyone fell silent. Kakarrot sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. Broly let out a low growl that sounded not unlike a cat’s and put both of his hands over his nose.
“What’s that smell?” Vegeta demanded as if the very presence of the odor was offending him in some way.
In unison, the six seated at the table turned to see Tarble standing in the middle of the kitchen with tears in his eyes and a dark stain spreading through the seat of his Oshkosh’s.
“Smell!” Broly whined, still pinching his nostrils shut.
Nappa picked Tarble up gingerly, held him at arm’s length and started walking out of the kitchen, still holding him out as if the toddler was crawling with some disease.
“’Pank him!” Broly continued. “Smells bad!”
“You can’t spank kids for stinkin’,” Raditz said back, matter-of-factly.
The younger boy seemed to consider these words before replying with, “Put ‘im inna hole! ‘Inna dirt!”
Vegeta bared his teeth. “Not my brother!”
Nappa looked over his shoulder and glared.
“All of you shut yer yaps while I deal with this, okay?”
Miraculously, they all did.
--
Nappa came back after depositing Tarble in the downstairs bathroom to take care of himself and saw that the boys had finished eating.
“Where’s Tarble?” Vegeta demanded.
It occurred to Nappa that the five-year-old never actually asked for anything. It was always a demand.
“Well, I sent him in there to clean himself up.” Nappa jerked a thumb towards the bathroom.
At that, Vegeta scrunched him his face as if in confusion. “You let Tarble go to the potty by himself?”
He nodded, wondering where he was going with this.
“With poopy pants?”
“Uh, yeah?”
He jumped down off of his chair and started stomping out of the kitchen.
“You are so stupid, Nappa!”
“Mmmh,” Broly hummed, apparently slighted at Vegeta’s use of the word ‘stupid.’
A mounting feeling of dread began to gather in Nappa’s chest, clutching his heart in a vice.
“What do you mean? He’s old enough to wipe his own ass, right?”
Kakarrot slid off of his chair and started after Vegeta. Nappa reached out and grabbed the kid by the back of his shirt.
“Hey, go check in the bathroom on Tarble, okay?”
“Okay!” Of course the reply was chipper.
Kakarrot scurried to the door and opened his a crack, peeking his head in. Immediately, he retracted it.
“EWWWW!” he squealed.
“What?” Nappa rushed forward. “Tell me he’s clean-or wiping. Or whatever.”
Kakarrot shook his head. “I can’t. I’m not allowed to tell lies or my nose’ll grow like Pintokio!!”
--
Tarble, as it turned out, had tried very hard to do what his nanny (and, to a lesser extent, his father) had showed him to do. He was now dirtier for his effort and the entire downstairs bathroom was trashed. Nappa managed to clean it up, stuffing everything-including his clothes-into a giant garbage bag while the other kids stood by, glaring at the toddler judgmentally with their fingers clamped over their noses. Tarble, meanwhile, was sobbing, burying his little face in his hands as if he was simply too ashamed to look at anyone.
Reluctantly, he grabbed the diaper bag and Tarble and dashed upstairs to give him a bath. Even more reluctantly, he put Turles and Raditz in charge while he was gone.
He cleaned Tarble up as fast as he could, rubbed him dry with a towel and pulled fresh clothes out of his bag.
“Don’t wanna be in trouble,” he whimpered, looking up at Nappa with big, scared eyes.
“Uh…you won’t be, kid. Promise.”
When they came downstairs, he found what appeared to be bedlam. Someone-he suspected Turles-had gotten it in his head that they needed a fort. One had been hastily constructed out of couch cushions and old pillows they had pulled from the linen closet in the hall. Turles and Raditz were crawling on the floor and each boy had a meticulously folded paper hat on his head. In the actual fort itself, Vegeta and Kakarrot poked their heads up before ducking them back down. Kakarrot wore a paper hat identical to Turles and Raditz’s but Vegeta had apparently made himself a crown. Broly had been given a hat but he was too busy hiding under blankets next to the couch.
“What is going on here?” Nappa asked, staring at the bizarre tableau in front of him.
“We’re pirates!” Turles said proudly.
“Argh!” Raditz exclaimed.
Kakarrot popped his head up over the couch cushion fort and beamed.
“We’re Fort…um…something in the Car-ib-ee-an. I’m a general! And Geta’s a prince!”
Of course he was. Raditz pointed to Broly who was peering his face out from under the ratty old afghan.
“He’s a shark.”
Of course he was.
“So, uh, I’m back. So why don’t you guys-”
Nappa’s words were caught in his throat when the sound of jingling bells was heard outside. It took him a moment to realize that it was tinny music playing a repetitive, awful song that was just audible through the door. Kakarrot, of course, recognized the music first.
“ICE CREAM MAN! ICE CREAM MAN!”
Before Nappa could stop them, they all raced towards the door. Paper hats were flung off in the rush and trampled underfoot. He lifted Tarble above the stampede of children so the toddler could avoid being trampled. As they were adamant about getting ice cream, Nappa had no choice but to follow them out the door.
Luckily, the truck was already stopped for a little girl and her mother. The boys were all shouting out their orders to the ice cream man at once.
“One at a time,” the old man pleaded. “One at a time!”
The little girl who had a strawberry shortcake bar in her mouth looked over at them. When her eyes landed on Vegeta, they lit up.
“Hey!” she said happily. “Mommy, look! It’s my boyfriend!”
Vegeta had been reaching up to get his chocolate éclair bar from the ice cream man and turned to her, eyes wide.
“I am not!” he blurted, his eyes darting around to the other boys.
The little girl pouted and glared at him. “Are so! You said!”
Raditz snickered behind his Dreamsicle. “Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend! Vegeta’s gotta girlfriend!”
The five-year-old’s face turned bright red and the little girl reached out to take his hand in hers.
“He’s my boyfriend ‘cos I said I’ll push him on the swings ‘cos his feets don’t touch and I’ll share my desserts if he holds my hand and pushes people outta the way of the drinking fountain so I can get cuts!” she said proudly.
Nappa couldn’t help but smirk. This was actually pretty funny.
“And what’s your girlfriend’s name, Veggie?” he asked.
“I’m Bulma!” she responded for him, grinning broadly.
Kakarrot reached up to take his push-pop from the vendor and widened his eyes.
“I want one too, now, if Geta gots one!”
Raditz shook his head. “No way, Kakarrot. If a girl starts likin’ you then you gotta run ‘cos they give you cooties.”
Turles nodded sagely. “Fuckin’ cooties.”
Bulma’s face turned bright red. “We do not!”
Her mother, meanwhile, seemed entirely oblivious to the conversation occurring. Nappa watched the scene with bemusement as he handed over the money for the boys’ ice cream.
From seemingly nowhere, just as he was about to grab the kids and escape the heat, a blur streaked over to the ice cream truck and wrapped his arms around Vegeta’s waist. The blur turned out to be a small child who was perhaps three and, for some reason, running around unaccompanied. His hair was inexplicably lavender and he wore dark blue overalls. A toy sword was strapped to his back.
“Daddy!” he exclaimed. “Can I has moneys to buy ice ceam, daddy?”
To Nappa’s utter surprise, the five-year-old reached into his pocket and produced a crumpled dollar bill. Standing on his tiptoes, he pushed it towards the ice cream vendor.
“Another push-pop,” he demanded in that harsh way of his that no small child should possess.
The ice cream man handed the pop to him and Vegeta carefully peeled off the top and hit the stick a couple of times against the truck to push the ice cream out before handing it to the kid. He happily took it in both hands and began slurping the orange sherbet.
“Fankoo, daddy!”
Nappa sighed. “I know I’m going to regret asking you this-but why did that kid call you daddy?”
“Trunks goes to Tarble’s nursery school,” he replied. “And he doesn’t got parents so I ‘dopted him.”
Bulma dropped her strawberry shortcake bar on the ground and pulled Vegeta into a tight hug.
“Ohmigod!” she squealed. “I love you, Vegeta! I can’t wait until we’re married and we have babies for reals!”
Raditz wrinkled his nose and took his Dreamsicle out of his mouth.
“Ew,” he remarked.
Vegeta pushed her off. “Ew-don’t wanna think about bein’ married.”
“Do I gots a daddy and a mommy now?” Trunks asked, shifting his gaze between them as he licked his push-pop.
Bulma grinned and put her hand on top of his lavender head. “Uh-huh!”
After the rather amusing scene, Nappa herded the boys back to the house. It was unbearably hot out and, ice cream or no, he didn’t want to risky any of them (well, Raditz or Kakarrot anyway) collapsing from the heat. As they entered the air-conditioned house, he did a quick headcount of six. It wasn’t until he was halfway back into the destroyed living room did he realize that there couldn’t possibly be six boys behind him as Tarble was still clinging to him like a remora meaning that there should only be five others.
Nappa turned back around and noticed that, unlike the other boys, the newcomer’s hair wasn’t black. It was lavender.
“Damnit, Vegeta,” he exclaimed. “You can’t bring your ‘son’ in here. I ain’t gonna be responsible for him.”
The little kid stomped up to him and tilted his face up, clearly challenging him. “Yeah, well, Trunks can’t go runnin’ around by hisself. He’s a baby.”
Nappa sighed. There was no arguing with his kid. He was used to getting what he wanted because his family was obscenely rich.
“Fine but you watch ‘im.”
“Fine!” He turned to the little boy and offered his hand. “Come on, Trunks. You can come in the fort with us.”
It occurred to him that he had just argued and lost with a five-year-old and idly wondered what his life had become.
--
The kids played in the fort while Nappa sat in the kitchen, trying to get Tarble off him and take a nap or whatever three-year-olds did. He heard soft footfalls and looked up to see that Kakarrot had entered the room and was looking up at him wide-eyed.
“What do you want?” he asked tiredly.
“Geta kicked me outta the fort ‘cos Trunks has to nap and I’m hungry. Can I have snacks?”
Nappa sighed and rose from the table. He pulled several bags of chips and cheese doodles out of the pantry and handed them to him.
“Here,” he said gruffly. “Have a party.”
He figured there were enough snacks in there to keep him-and hopefully the other kids-busy while he got some time to himself. Well, himself and Tarble but that kid was so quiet that he was basically like himself.
Turles and Raditz were still playing pirates and apparently “attacking a shark,” which made Broly let out a screech in anger. Which made Vegeta angrily shush them saying that Trunks was trying to sleep and he had a sword and wasn’t afraid to use it. The only other sounds were the sound of chewing, which made Nappa hope that the kids were now occupying themselves with what he had given to Kakarrot.
He got a good twenty minutes to himself before Raditz marched into the room. “Hey, I’m hungry.”
“I gave Kakarrot snacks to give you guys. How are you hungry again?”
He narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Kakarrot didn’t give us nothing.”
“But I…” It slowly dawned on him what happened.
Rising quickly from the table, Nappa raced to the other room, stirring Tarble who let out a little yelp and buried his face in his neck again.
He found Kakarrot sitting on the floor in the hallway with empty bags around him. His face was smeared with orange powder and his hands were over his stomach, which visibly stuck out from under his shirt.
“I don’t feel good,” he whimpered.
Raditz, who had followed him, squatted next to his brother. “Dad tol’ you not to eat so much all the time or you’ll get a tummyache. And Nappa said that was for everyone so I’m gonna tell dad you was greedy. And you’re gonna hafta sit on your bed.”
His eyes went wide. “D-don’t…”
Nappa realized that “letting my kid stuff himself until he was about to pop” probably qualified under things that would make Bardock kill him.
“Uh…what if we don’t tell your dad, huh? He’s obviously scared of getting in trouble. Right, Kakarrot?”
He nodded and then winced and held his stomach again.
“Uh…I bet you’re tired after all that eating, right? Why don’t you guy lie down in the fort and take a nap with Trunks?”
Nappa was pretty proud of himself. He was totally getting this “talking to kids” thing down. He helped Kakarrot get to his feet and the kid promptly leaned over and threw cheese doodles and Doritos all up over him. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked up at Nappa with big eyes.
“Oops.”
--
It finally came that glorious time in the evening where their fathers were arriving to pick them up. His boss came first.
“Daddy!” Immediately Tarble let go of his death grip on Nappa to latch onto his father. The little tease.
Vegeta came out, holding Trunks’s hand. Their father looked at the newest addition and sighed. He was grateful that the man didn’t notice that Tarble was wearing different clothes from that morning.
“I told you before, he has his own family.”
“Does not! He’s comin’ home with us right now, dad.”
It made him feel marginally better that his boss also lost an argument with a five-year-old and the three of them left. Paragus showed up next and took Broly away without much fuss. Actually, since he spent most of the day pretending to be a shark, Nappa decided that he was his favorite outside of Tarble. Finally, Bardock showed up.
“Dad! Daaaad!” Raditz cried. “I got somethin’ t’ say!”
Turles shushed him and whispered, “No one likes tattle-talers, Raditz. Don’t say nothin’.”
Nappa decided he liked Turles a lot better now. Reluctantly, Kakarrot walked over to them. His face had been cleaned of cheese powder and vomit but it was still quite obvious that he had eaten the contents of three family-sized bags of chips. Bardock looked at his distended belly and sighed. Nappa began to realize that this was probably a common occurrence in their household.
When they left, he started putting his living room back together and paused. There was a strange feeling in his chest. Did he…did he miss those little monsters? Nappa curled his lip. Hell no. Perish the thought.