Sigh
Guh. psycho analyzing comes with its good and bad attributes. On one side you have a rage of emotions building up and growing inside you with every hesistating moment.. and of course, writing would be the release. But on the other hand, the bad side is speaking or writing about it.. is capable of causing harm.
So where are you left? Not everyone's going to be there as a counsellor, or understand and listen with an actual care as to who you are. Let alone respond and have anything to say back thats appropriate. You dont always get to hear what you want.
So, where do you turn? to yourself? This circle of BS is entraping me. Trust in all but certain things, paranoia and frustration... I almost cried earlier.
There's so many amazing and interesting things and people in this world, and i want to embrace it all. love it, care for it, and be loved by it.
Which leads me to believe my outrages are now and always have been closed in space. Tied down with sharp spikes on the cold metal wire wrapped around every bend and crevis in my body.
Unable to move freely, due to the paranoia... unable to breath, due to the frustration.
Am i just afraid of whats to come? No knowledge of anything? Or am I just too broken and lack the love that should be in my life.
Everyday I wake up.. around 5 pm. Sunset now because it's winter. I dont like life... but i love it.
So i stay in.. phobic to whats out there.. Out of the corner of my eye i notice the sun shining through the window as i sip on my coffee, clear "blue" skies with traces of clouds... then i get that gut wrenching feeling that Im missing a part of it.. Im out of the loop.. its where i belong.
But then I fight inside that i cant.. and my depression seems to be growing worse over time progresses.. which is why i cant.. the longer im disattached and feel empty, the harder it is to deal with life.
They say grieving heals over a period of time .. but sure, if you've lost someone from them passing away.
Try losing someone and knowing where they are, knowing you're not there. Not able to be touched by physical touch, or emotional love.. Its very difficult to deal with.
It doesnt go away from time passing for me.. it continues to burden me.
Someone once wished and prayed that someday i would feel loved by everyone in my life. because apparently thats what they chose for me to be the problem in my life sometimes.. I agree.
But how?
....
GUH.
Life goes on.
I should learn to deal with it.
So where are you left? Not everyone's going to be there as a counsellor, or understand and listen with an actual care as to who you are. Let alone respond and have anything to say back thats appropriate. You dont always get to hear what you want.
So, where do you turn? to yourself? This circle of BS is entraping me. Trust in all but certain things, paranoia and frustration... I almost cried earlier.
There's so many amazing and interesting things and people in this world, and i want to embrace it all. love it, care for it, and be loved by it.
Which leads me to believe my outrages are now and always have been closed in space. Tied down with sharp spikes on the cold metal wire wrapped around every bend and crevis in my body.
Unable to move freely, due to the paranoia... unable to breath, due to the frustration.
Am i just afraid of whats to come? No knowledge of anything? Or am I just too broken and lack the love that should be in my life.
Everyday I wake up.. around 5 pm. Sunset now because it's winter. I dont like life... but i love it.
So i stay in.. phobic to whats out there.. Out of the corner of my eye i notice the sun shining through the window as i sip on my coffee, clear "blue" skies with traces of clouds... then i get that gut wrenching feeling that Im missing a part of it.. Im out of the loop.. its where i belong.
But then I fight inside that i cant.. and my depression seems to be growing worse over time progresses.. which is why i cant.. the longer im disattached and feel empty, the harder it is to deal with life.
They say grieving heals over a period of time .. but sure, if you've lost someone from them passing away.
Try losing someone and knowing where they are, knowing you're not there. Not able to be touched by physical touch, or emotional love.. Its very difficult to deal with.
It doesnt go away from time passing for me.. it continues to burden me.
Someone once wished and prayed that someday i would feel loved by everyone in my life. because apparently thats what they chose for me to be the problem in my life sometimes.. I agree.
But how?
....
GUH.
Life goes on.
I should learn to deal with it.