On writing and pushing the limits
This is one of those things that I've been meaning to write about for weeks, but I haven't been able to find time. And, since i have an hour or two, I figured i might as well try to fit it in now.
It all started with ceilidh_ann's post on The Book Lantern. In it, she talked about what it's like to trying to write her own novel after spending the better part of the last three or so years critiquing novels other people wrote. How thoroughly analyzing other people's works made her second-guess everything, and how that second-guessing got so bad that she couldn't bring herself to write anything at all.
Reading this, I thought about what's like, to be terrified that your writing wouldn't measure up... and I realized that I never had that problem.
I guess I've always had a certain confidence in my writing. It wasn't necessarily that I thought it was good. But I've never thought that it was something not worth pursuing. Once I had a story idea, I wanted to see what I can do with it. Even if I knew I was way over my head. Even if I was writing about something I didn't know, something I wasn't too well-equipped to write about. A short story about a drunken one-night stand, even thought I had zero experience with either of those things? Sure. A story that touched on public housing, from a perspective a character as male and as white as I am? Why not? A story dealing with religion sexual self-expression? Wrote it up in a few hours on a Saturday. Heck, back in high school, I wrote a short story where a main character was a thinly veiled version of a teacher I had a crush on - and turned it in to said teacher for a grade.
Now, that is not to say I haven't written anything I regretted. There are several stories on this livejournal that I later put under privacy lock for that reason. There are several that probably wouldn't leave the confines of my hardrive. Some of them... had concepts/character/ideas/plot elements that, in retrospect, were... ill-advised. Some are just badly written. But even then... I can't say I've ever written anything that i wish I never wrote. (Even some horrible, horrible stuff I wrote when Lore dumped me - I'm not proud of it in the least, but, given the circumstances, I see it as necessary evil and a (small) part of the healing process). And, with some of those stories... I still think that there are parts that are salvageable. I would just need to work extra hard on them.
I can't imagine being so ridden with self-doubt that it stopped my writing process cold. it's a terrifying thought, quite frankly.
it's probably not the healthiest part of me. It probably comes from the same part of me that struggles with understanding social cues, or thinking through the consequences of some of the things i say and inadvertently hurting people in the process.
But then, I think about how, back in the day, Lore would tell me that she was terrified of sharing her writing with the world, even though she was clearly a better writer than me. And I think of a gifted critic who might let her talent shrivel and die.
And I wish that I could bottle that confidence and hand it out. Hopefully, without the less pleasant side-effects.
It all started with ceilidh_ann's post on The Book Lantern. In it, she talked about what it's like to trying to write her own novel after spending the better part of the last three or so years critiquing novels other people wrote. How thoroughly analyzing other people's works made her second-guess everything, and how that second-guessing got so bad that she couldn't bring herself to write anything at all.
Reading this, I thought about what's like, to be terrified that your writing wouldn't measure up... and I realized that I never had that problem.
I guess I've always had a certain confidence in my writing. It wasn't necessarily that I thought it was good. But I've never thought that it was something not worth pursuing. Once I had a story idea, I wanted to see what I can do with it. Even if I knew I was way over my head. Even if I was writing about something I didn't know, something I wasn't too well-equipped to write about. A short story about a drunken one-night stand, even thought I had zero experience with either of those things? Sure. A story that touched on public housing, from a perspective a character as male and as white as I am? Why not? A story dealing with religion sexual self-expression? Wrote it up in a few hours on a Saturday. Heck, back in high school, I wrote a short story where a main character was a thinly veiled version of a teacher I had a crush on - and turned it in to said teacher for a grade.
Now, that is not to say I haven't written anything I regretted. There are several stories on this livejournal that I later put under privacy lock for that reason. There are several that probably wouldn't leave the confines of my hardrive. Some of them... had concepts/character/ideas/plot elements that, in retrospect, were... ill-advised. Some are just badly written. But even then... I can't say I've ever written anything that i wish I never wrote. (Even some horrible, horrible stuff I wrote when Lore dumped me - I'm not proud of it in the least, but, given the circumstances, I see it as necessary evil and a (small) part of the healing process). And, with some of those stories... I still think that there are parts that are salvageable. I would just need to work extra hard on them.
I can't imagine being so ridden with self-doubt that it stopped my writing process cold. it's a terrifying thought, quite frankly.
it's probably not the healthiest part of me. It probably comes from the same part of me that struggles with understanding social cues, or thinking through the consequences of some of the things i say and inadvertently hurting people in the process.
But then, I think about how, back in the day, Lore would tell me that she was terrified of sharing her writing with the world, even though she was clearly a better writer than me. And I think of a gifted critic who might let her talent shrivel and die.
And I wish that I could bottle that confidence and hand it out. Hopefully, without the less pleasant side-effects.