On seeing tastefully nude photos of a childhood crush
I first met Katie when I entered the tail end of 5th grade - my first experience in an American school. It was around that time that puberty started to kick in and girls... Well, I never really considered girls "icky," but the whole notion that one could be attracted to girls was stuff of books and movies. I didn't think it would happen to me... until it did.
Katie wasn't the first girl to made me feel funny and awkward (that would be Rina, the inspiration most of the sarcastic Asian-American girls with glasses I've included in my writing over the years). She wasn't the first girl I found myself pining after for months on end (that dubious honor goes to Sarah Y). But Katie was nice, smart and undeniably pretty. Behind around her gave me many warm-and-fuzzies.
And those warm-and-fuzzies were about the extent of it. Somewhere along the way, Sarah caught my attention and kept it throughout much of junior high. To be honest, once Katie wasn't in my class anymore, I didn't really think about her all that much.
Over a decade later, thanks to the miracles of Facebook photo tagging, I wound up getting friended by many of my former elementary school classmates, including every girl mentioned above. I found out that since I last saw her, Katie got married and had kids. Plural. Which was kind of mind-blowing. And, since I actually had a decent grasp of English by that point, it was actually very interesting to actually learn about what she was like as a person. Looking back, it was interesting to realize how little I actually knew about most of the people I had 5th and 6th grade with. But that a whole other tangent.
One of the things I found out over time was that Katie came from a family with a long history of breast cancer. She watched as her mom fought and ultimately lost the battle with disease. Which... is one of those things that are so shockingly tragic that I find myself grasping for words and coming up empty.
Knowing that odds were very much against her, Katie decided to take the breast cancer risk head on the only way current medical science would allow. She's getting a prophylactic mastectomy. And she decided to chronicle her journey in a blog.
Now, whatever else you may take away from this entry, I strongly recommend that you read it. It can be a difficult read - if you don't alt least get chocked up at any point, you have no soul - but it's worth it.
Here is the thing, though. Both on the blog and on the Facebook page she created to promote it, there are shots of a nude Katie. It's perfectly tasteful - she's not actually showing any naughty bits. They were shot in a way that wasn't even remotely salacious or exploitative. Quite the opposite, actually - it shows Katie in a very natural, almost casual light, while capturing a just a touch of vulnerability. And, given that the blog is talking about breast cancer, showing naked breasts (with nipples obscured) is kind of appropriate.
But they are still nude pictures of a girl I used to have a crush on, and it makes me feel.... I have been struggling to put a finger on it. It wasn't quite like what I felt when chatting with Sarah on Facebook for the first time. In that case, I felt a strange duality. The memories of feelings I had resurfaced... but those were memories. I wasn't actually feeling them. It was like I was watching my younger self on tape - if video tape could somehow transmit feelings. And, once the novelty of chatting with a former crush wore off, the duality faded.
When Katie and I were in the same class, I never fantasized about her in the sexual way. Sexual fantasies about real people didn't really kick in for me until later. But I don't know... Would a 11-year-old me liked to have seen Katie naked? I don't know. But some subconscious part of me is kind of pleased... even as another part of me wants to slap it silly. It's about cancer treatment, for God's sake. I shouldn't be happy about seeing tasteful nudity in this context. Not even a little.
And there is the not-so-small fact that Katie is married. With children. Let's not forget about that.
I guess, in the end of the day, I just feel guilty. And I want my subconcience to cut it out, even realize that, if subconsience did what it as told, psychologists wouldn't need more than one session.
Katie wasn't the first girl to made me feel funny and awkward (that would be Rina, the inspiration most of the sarcastic Asian-American girls with glasses I've included in my writing over the years). She wasn't the first girl I found myself pining after for months on end (that dubious honor goes to Sarah Y). But Katie was nice, smart and undeniably pretty. Behind around her gave me many warm-and-fuzzies.
And those warm-and-fuzzies were about the extent of it. Somewhere along the way, Sarah caught my attention and kept it throughout much of junior high. To be honest, once Katie wasn't in my class anymore, I didn't really think about her all that much.
Over a decade later, thanks to the miracles of Facebook photo tagging, I wound up getting friended by many of my former elementary school classmates, including every girl mentioned above. I found out that since I last saw her, Katie got married and had kids. Plural. Which was kind of mind-blowing. And, since I actually had a decent grasp of English by that point, it was actually very interesting to actually learn about what she was like as a person. Looking back, it was interesting to realize how little I actually knew about most of the people I had 5th and 6th grade with. But that a whole other tangent.
One of the things I found out over time was that Katie came from a family with a long history of breast cancer. She watched as her mom fought and ultimately lost the battle with disease. Which... is one of those things that are so shockingly tragic that I find myself grasping for words and coming up empty.
Knowing that odds were very much against her, Katie decided to take the breast cancer risk head on the only way current medical science would allow. She's getting a prophylactic mastectomy. And she decided to chronicle her journey in a blog.
Now, whatever else you may take away from this entry, I strongly recommend that you read it. It can be a difficult read - if you don't alt least get chocked up at any point, you have no soul - but it's worth it.
Here is the thing, though. Both on the blog and on the Facebook page she created to promote it, there are shots of a nude Katie. It's perfectly tasteful - she's not actually showing any naughty bits. They were shot in a way that wasn't even remotely salacious or exploitative. Quite the opposite, actually - it shows Katie in a very natural, almost casual light, while capturing a just a touch of vulnerability. And, given that the blog is talking about breast cancer, showing naked breasts (with nipples obscured) is kind of appropriate.
But they are still nude pictures of a girl I used to have a crush on, and it makes me feel.... I have been struggling to put a finger on it. It wasn't quite like what I felt when chatting with Sarah on Facebook for the first time. In that case, I felt a strange duality. The memories of feelings I had resurfaced... but those were memories. I wasn't actually feeling them. It was like I was watching my younger self on tape - if video tape could somehow transmit feelings. And, once the novelty of chatting with a former crush wore off, the duality faded.
When Katie and I were in the same class, I never fantasized about her in the sexual way. Sexual fantasies about real people didn't really kick in for me until later. But I don't know... Would a 11-year-old me liked to have seen Katie naked? I don't know. But some subconscious part of me is kind of pleased... even as another part of me wants to slap it silly. It's about cancer treatment, for God's sake. I shouldn't be happy about seeing tasteful nudity in this context. Not even a little.
And there is the not-so-small fact that Katie is married. With children. Let's not forget about that.
I guess, in the end of the day, I just feel guilty. And I want my subconcience to cut it out, even realize that, if subconsience did what it as told, psychologists wouldn't need more than one session.