On Opposite-sex Friendships
There is a line in... I think it was When Harry Meets Sally. Something along the lines of "men can't be friends with women, because sex always gets in the way."
To which I say - rubbish. That's just plain silly. Because this assumes that every man is automatically attracted to every woman he ever comes across, which, again, is quite silly. And it sounds even sillier if you flip genders.
To be honest, looking back on the friendships I've had, I actually like being friends with women. You can talk about your feelings without worrying about all the machismo bullshit. And, heck, you can just talk more period. You can have deep, meaningful conversations. And, when you don't want to have deep, meaningful conversations, well.... In my experience, women can be just as coarse and as crude as guys.
A (female) friend of mine once said that women evaluate men based on their looks whenever they befriend them. Evaluate their dateability, if you will. I am not sure how true that actually is (or if it applies to all women), but I would be lying if I said that I've never done that sort of thing. I am not blind. And many women I've met over the years are quite beautiful. But just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean you want to date them. And just because you fantasized about someone doesn't necessarily mean you actually want something to happen in real life.
Of course, this begs the rather inevitable question - what about Whitney? Or, for that matter, what about Lore?
Yeah, about that...
My feelings for Lore weren't really that serious at first, and she was dating someone else when I started to get to know her. I stayed in touch with her because she liked Russia and she was awesome and I enjoyed talking to her. So I tried to repress the crap out of my feelings and kept talking to her. In retrospect, it may have worked a bit too well. When she told me she had feelings for me, I was genuinely blind-sided, and, as she can attest, I wasn't even sure I wanted to date her (especially since there was another attractive girl I was kind of interested in, but that's kind of besides the point). In short, even if she never asked me out, we probably would have stayed friends.
As for Whitney, well, similar deal. I first tried to befriend her because she was a cool, remarkably intelligent and insightful person. My feelings for grew very slowly, but I wasn't really sure how I felt about her until we met and had a tea-fueled discussion earlier this year. It took me a while to work up the nerve to try to ask her out. And, while it ultimately didn't work out the way I hoped it would, it didn't mean that I still didn't want to be her friend. Because she is still the same cool, brilliant person that I met two years ago. Getting rejected by her doesn't change that.
Or at least I hope it doesn't.
In any case, what I am trying to say is that I don't try to be friends with girls because I want to date them. I want to be friends because I like them as people and I enjoy their company and insight. Now, in some cases, my feelings may be less than platonic, or they may become less platonic over time, but romantic feelings should never be the only motivation behind opposite-sex friendships. Because that cannot and will not end well.
And, while we are at it, you should not stay friends with a woman after she rejected you in hopes that she might change her mind. That's just setting yourself up for failure.
To which I say - rubbish. That's just plain silly. Because this assumes that every man is automatically attracted to every woman he ever comes across, which, again, is quite silly. And it sounds even sillier if you flip genders.
To be honest, looking back on the friendships I've had, I actually like being friends with women. You can talk about your feelings without worrying about all the machismo bullshit. And, heck, you can just talk more period. You can have deep, meaningful conversations. And, when you don't want to have deep, meaningful conversations, well.... In my experience, women can be just as coarse and as crude as guys.
A (female) friend of mine once said that women evaluate men based on their looks whenever they befriend them. Evaluate their dateability, if you will. I am not sure how true that actually is (or if it applies to all women), but I would be lying if I said that I've never done that sort of thing. I am not blind. And many women I've met over the years are quite beautiful. But just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean you want to date them. And just because you fantasized about someone doesn't necessarily mean you actually want something to happen in real life.
Of course, this begs the rather inevitable question - what about Whitney? Or, for that matter, what about Lore?
Yeah, about that...
My feelings for Lore weren't really that serious at first, and she was dating someone else when I started to get to know her. I stayed in touch with her because she liked Russia and she was awesome and I enjoyed talking to her. So I tried to repress the crap out of my feelings and kept talking to her. In retrospect, it may have worked a bit too well. When she told me she had feelings for me, I was genuinely blind-sided, and, as she can attest, I wasn't even sure I wanted to date her (especially since there was another attractive girl I was kind of interested in, but that's kind of besides the point). In short, even if she never asked me out, we probably would have stayed friends.
As for Whitney, well, similar deal. I first tried to befriend her because she was a cool, remarkably intelligent and insightful person. My feelings for grew very slowly, but I wasn't really sure how I felt about her until we met and had a tea-fueled discussion earlier this year. It took me a while to work up the nerve to try to ask her out. And, while it ultimately didn't work out the way I hoped it would, it didn't mean that I still didn't want to be her friend. Because she is still the same cool, brilliant person that I met two years ago. Getting rejected by her doesn't change that.
Or at least I hope it doesn't.
In any case, what I am trying to say is that I don't try to be friends with girls because I want to date them. I want to be friends because I like them as people and I enjoy their company and insight. Now, in some cases, my feelings may be less than platonic, or they may become less platonic over time, but romantic feelings should never be the only motivation behind opposite-sex friendships. Because that cannot and will not end well.
And, while we are at it, you should not stay friends with a woman after she rejected you in hopes that she might change her mind. That's just setting yourself up for failure.