Grandma Nina and Me
Grandma Nina, my maternal grandmother, has been in United States for the past week and will stay here until this coming Monday.
To say that my relationship with her is ambivalent is an understatement that no metaphor could possibly do justice. On one hand, she lived with us pretty much until we came to this country. I know her better than most of my other relatives. On the other hand, the older I got, the more it became apparent to me that talking to her, or dealing with her at all, for that matter, is sort of like trying to hike through the Korean Demilitarization Zone - one wrong step and you set off a freaking landmine. Most of the time, she keeps her feelings close to her vest, but when she gets upset, well...
After meeting her in real life, Lore was able to do something that I could have never done on my own. She recognized my grandmother's behavior for what it is. Grandma Nina is pathologically, unrelentingly passive-aggressive. Most people would find this sort of thing annoying, but to someone who grew up in her shadow, it is at best disconcerting and at worst utterly terrifying. This is the person who will never, ever express her emotions in straight-forward manner, never communicate with anyone in the straight-forward manner and you never, ever know when something you said would turn out to be this horrible slight that she will remember and use against you months, if not years down the line.
Grandma Nina does not deal with her problems, especially if those problems involve other people. She just displaces them.
Last year, at least, there was a certain novelty to her visit. She agreed to see us that one year, and we had no idea if she would actually come back for another visit. But now that she did, I find that the novelty has worn off. And I don't want to have to walk through the mine field any longer.
Except I have no choice. Confronting her is impossible. Believe me, I tried - it simply will not happen (Thing about confrontation is that it doesn't really work when the other person refuses to be confronted). Trying to discuss thing rationally is also futile, since her rationality does not extend past those pesky landmines, and once you set them off, you might as well walk out without another comment. I have been trying to test my way around the DMZ, hoping to find paths that allowed me to avoid landmines, but no luck. Like the DMZ, if you get off a well-worn path, you will get burnt.
My mom feels sorry for her. My mom, who was actually raised by her, has arrived at the point where she can feel sorry for her. But I don't. I can't. There is way too much frustration and bitterness. I don't think the rest of my family understands just how deeply those feelings run. To be honest, I am not sure I really love her out of anything other than habit and obligation.
To be honest, I would not mind if she never visits again.
And, to be honest, if I ever go back to Russia and she's still alive, I am not sure I would want to see her any more than I absolutely have to.
And, when I feel particularly bitter, part of me can't help but wonder if I'll actually miss her all that much once she's gone.
To say that my relationship with her is ambivalent is an understatement that no metaphor could possibly do justice. On one hand, she lived with us pretty much until we came to this country. I know her better than most of my other relatives. On the other hand, the older I got, the more it became apparent to me that talking to her, or dealing with her at all, for that matter, is sort of like trying to hike through the Korean Demilitarization Zone - one wrong step and you set off a freaking landmine. Most of the time, she keeps her feelings close to her vest, but when she gets upset, well...
After meeting her in real life, Lore was able to do something that I could have never done on my own. She recognized my grandmother's behavior for what it is. Grandma Nina is pathologically, unrelentingly passive-aggressive. Most people would find this sort of thing annoying, but to someone who grew up in her shadow, it is at best disconcerting and at worst utterly terrifying. This is the person who will never, ever express her emotions in straight-forward manner, never communicate with anyone in the straight-forward manner and you never, ever know when something you said would turn out to be this horrible slight that she will remember and use against you months, if not years down the line.
Grandma Nina does not deal with her problems, especially if those problems involve other people. She just displaces them.
Last year, at least, there was a certain novelty to her visit. She agreed to see us that one year, and we had no idea if she would actually come back for another visit. But now that she did, I find that the novelty has worn off. And I don't want to have to walk through the mine field any longer.
Except I have no choice. Confronting her is impossible. Believe me, I tried - it simply will not happen (Thing about confrontation is that it doesn't really work when the other person refuses to be confronted). Trying to discuss thing rationally is also futile, since her rationality does not extend past those pesky landmines, and once you set them off, you might as well walk out without another comment. I have been trying to test my way around the DMZ, hoping to find paths that allowed me to avoid landmines, but no luck. Like the DMZ, if you get off a well-worn path, you will get burnt.
My mom feels sorry for her. My mom, who was actually raised by her, has arrived at the point where she can feel sorry for her. But I don't. I can't. There is way too much frustration and bitterness. I don't think the rest of my family understands just how deeply those feelings run. To be honest, I am not sure I really love her out of anything other than habit and obligation.
To be honest, I would not mind if she never visits again.
And, to be honest, if I ever go back to Russia and she's still alive, I am not sure I would want to see her any more than I absolutely have to.
And, when I feel particularly bitter, part of me can't help but wonder if I'll actually miss her all that much once she's gone.