Excerpts from Blood Chosen, the new DystopianYA novel by Dana Schwartz
Back in February, Dana Schwartz (a writer best known for
GuyInYourFMA, launched another tongue-in-cheek comedy account - this time poking fun of dystopian-themed young adult fiction (your Hunger Games/Divergent/Maze Runners/Etc type thing) and its clichés. I’ve been reading it for a while, and at some point, I realized that, unlike the GuyInYourFMA,
DystopianYA actually had a plot.While some tweets are more general, others refer to specific events that have certain logical progression if you put them in proper chronological order.
By Schwartz’s own account, she didn’t put too much thought into any kind of internal consistency at first, but after a while, she decided to add something more cohesive.
Like I said - the plot doesn’t make that much sense if you read the tweets in the order they were posted. But I kept thinking - what if I try to arrange them in their internal chronological order? It probably wouldn’t make a proper novel, but would you at least get a narrative?
And, one last night, I decided to actually do it.
It didn’t quite work. As you’ll see, there are lots and lots of gaps. While in some cases, the order is obvious, in other cases, you have a lot of options. And plenty of passages could fit just about anywhere. Plus, once you try to actually put the whole thing together, you realize that there are contradictions - the way the world is set up, how old the characters are, what characters may or not know, etc. So what I would up doing is using most tweets in a way that, I felt, made the most sense. If a tweet had more than one sentence, I kept it in order it was written. Aside from minor grammar fixes, I kept everything as it was originally written. There are still some contradictions, and not everything fit in a nice linear narrative. But hey - it was fun to put together, and it’s not like Schwartz takes it all that seriously, either.
And so, without further ado…
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Illustration by
TheW0lfSoul<
I didn't know that I was born to be different.
I have gangly limbs and a feminine form just beginning to take shape. I'm not beautiful, but my green eyes are nice. My hair, long and brown, often gets tangled behind me while I SlateBoard. My mother has such trouble when she tries to brush it.
Everyone is born with a symbol on the sole of their foot, corresponding to their Sub-Category. My foot only has a word: CHOSEN
I'm the best SlateBoarder in the entire Colony. Maybe it's not much, but I'm tough.
"Woah!" Ermias shouted after me as I sped past him on my SlateBoard. "That was totally spiff!"
"Try to catch up, zonk!" I shout back
I'm tough and street-smart and brave - it doesn't matter what I look like! (movie star beautiful even without makeup)
I clutch the small chess piece in my hand, the bishop. Cracked, but I love it. It's the only thing I have left of my father.
[…]
I finish my daily Task, but I can't get Anthem's words out my head. My ineffectual mother offers me vague, unhelpful advice. Obviously.
I'm so clumsy. I accidentally spilled the Nutrition we had for dinner all over my grey tunic. My little brother, Kai, has been sick with the Sickness for his entire life. My sister Harpa played with her hair. In a lot of ways, she reminds me of a metaphor for my childhood innocence.
"Quiet," Mother hisses. "It's the Elder's Speech." The futuristic hologram projector lights up by the basin where we still wash our clothes.
This futuristic projection technology is cool, but I wish we had indoor plumbing.
"The Genetic Test guarantees to assign you your perfect career and perfect mate."
The Colony Leader smiled. "The Test is the backbone of The Colony. Each Seventeen is Categorized based on his or her abilities."
I watch the Leader's speech on the Hologram Wall and I feel uneasy.
"The System exists to keep us safe. If no one is special, no one is hurt."
This class system seems really stratified. But I guess if it's the way it's always been, it must be for the best.
[…]
The Colony motto across the School entrance: "Order Makes Us Strong." Like always, Securitymen in their riot gear are patrolling streets. No one would ever even think to rebel.
Religion is something that only existed in the Before Time. Now the only religion is Government, and obeying the rules of our Categories.
None of us remember what it was like in the Before Time. I think they called it "America" In School, they told us the history of the Colony, a place once called New New York before the Civil Schism.
"I heard it was terrible...before The Test, I mean. When people had to choose who to be on their own." Anthem nods.
"So they say," he says.
I scoff. "Can you think of anything more terrible?" I moan.
"Why?" Annabella asks, her face bemused.
"Just like, FREEDOM, you know?" I say.
I make sure to mention the names of my classmates, Amortensia and Kaldus, several times. Creative, interesting names, aren't they?
The obligatory gang of good-looking bullies approached me. "So," Lysander smirked. "Little Valentine thinks she's getting into Leaderstock."
Lysander is such a slimy bully type, but for some reason there's this sexual chemistry between us that's never really addressed?
[...]
It's the night before my 17th birthday, which means in a few hours, I'll have to face the mysterious Test to determine my future. The Test is meant to identify your Personality's primary Trait, so they can sort us into our Categories. .People from This Category haven't gotten along with people from That Category. Well, not since the Civil Schism. The Categories divide us, yes, but the Elders tell us it's to keep us strong as a Colony. Everyone in their proper place.
Ermias, with his sweet smile and round green eyes, would definitely become an Academic. I would be lucky if I managed to get Laborer.
Adolescence is a confusing time to discover my own identity. Good thing the Infallible System will determine my identity for me.
[...]
It was the morning of The Test.
"Are you nervous?" my ineffectual mother asked.
"No," I lied. I was shaking.
My sister Harpa plays, childlike and innocent, in the distance. I'll do this right for her, I think. I'll do this right for all of us.
This was my first time riding the Train. I tug at my tunic. It's the same one I've had since I was 12. Now it's way too short. The Metropolis loomed before me, its high walls and sleek, modern buildings a menacing gray. I missed my home. I missed The Colony. I miss my sister, and the chickens from our backyard. Sometimes I even miss my nondescript generic unhelpful mother.
Adults don't understand. All they've learned is how to go about their days without questioning anything.
None of the adults in the Colony can see it as clearly as us teenagers.
[...]
Before we enter the Facility, they ask us to change out of the beige tunics of Childhood and into the grey tunics of Adulthood. Lysander's muscles rippled under his grey tunic. How had I never noticed how strong he was before?
Jessum's silly remark lightens the mood and I'm newly grateful for having a friend that can offer a sort of relief from our serious issues.
[...]
Ermias brushes my hair behind my ear. That moment of tenderness makes me love him.
I always thought Ermias saw me as one of the guys. Guess even no makeup and baggy tunics can't overcome my movie-star good looks.
[...]
I can't stop thinking about Anthem, his green eyes and beautiful olive skin. Just to be clear though, he is white. Just to clarify. His Tattoo seems to undulate across his flesh. I won't get my Tattoo for another two moons.
Anthem is so complicated. Even though that seems to be his only personality trait.
The System chooses your spouse for you with 100% accuracy. So why do I have these strange feelings when I see Anthem?
[...]
"Are you Valentine Neverwoods?" She asked with a stern tone.
I nodded slowly. "I usually go by Val," I said.
"Your blood is special," she said, looking at me stoically.
"Does that mean my parents are special too?"
"What? Who cares. No. What?"
[...]
I saw my friend Jessum through the crowd outside the Testing Center, her coffee/chocolate/hazelnut/cocoa/caramel skin glistening in the sun. Ermias stood in front of me, more handsome than ever. But I couldn't help thinking about Anthem - equally handsome, but more mysterious.
We all stand in line for The Test. Everyone else looks so confident. Am I the only one terrified? I nervously play with the hem of my grey tunic.
The line starts moving. It's finally time for The Test. I have no idea what I'm waiting for... Or what's waiting for me.
Ermias gripped my hand before I went into the Test room. "You won't end up an Other," he said. "won't let you."
[...]
"Wait," I said aloud to myself, as if narrating my own life. "Does this mean that The Test is.... some sort of game?"
Anthem winks at me. "Keep up, kid," he calls back. Sometimes he calls me kid.
"Why is there no adult supervision here?!" I ask quietly.
"There is." Ermias answers. "They're watching. All of this is part of The Test."
Through the first door: a chess board. I can do this! My dad taught me - he and I used to play together all of the time before he died.
"Val, I..." Ermias begins, looking up at me with those green eyes. "I lo-" His words catch his throat as the Starting Bell rings.
[...]
I was always just sort of average. Who knew I was the only one smart enough to pass The Test and strong enough to pass The Trial!
[…]
Anthem held out his Category slip. "Academic," he said with a bewildered grin. I ran to hug him, forgetting my own fate for the moment.
I look back down at the paper with my Category. The Elders are never wrong, but...
"There must be some mistake," I say. "I can't, I mean -"
I looked back at my Category slip, convinced there had been some mistake. Instead of a typed assignment, my slip was handwritten. My Category slip had just a single symbol, drawn in black ink: *. A star. The symbol of the Metropolis.
I suddenly realize I had been holding my breath.
Ermias stared. "You were assigned Leader? What does that even mean?"
"I don't know yet," I said. "It means I'm going to find out,"
Jessum held up her slip: Laborer. "You have to go, Val. If you're a Leader, you can fix this for us." Her eyes glistened. "For me."
[...]
Turns out the grownups you once blindly trusted shouldn't have been blindly trusted at all.
"You're either with us, or you're against us. You remember what happened to Kadam, don't you?"
His green eyes flash and I glare at him with my green eyes. Our green eyes meet. He smirks.
"Society functions because you are all exactly the same. Except the one friend who's the same, but racially ambiguous."
"But why are you doing this?" I shout at the Colony Leader. He smiles a serpent smile. "For the Greater Good, Miss Neverwoods."
The Test is infallible. That's what they've always told us.
If my Category assignment is wrong... that means l have to decide who I am for myself.
"My name is Valentine Neverwoods," I said, my knees shaking. "And I'm making a very brave choice that will mean standing out for good."
"Why can't you just accept your place in Society?" the Leader roars. "It's because I'm Special!" I shout back.
Some things are more important than order! Things like independence and freedom!
Maybe the all-powerful Totalitarian government doesn't know best after all. And maybe I can fight it.
[...]
Ermias grabbed my hand. "Come with me. We can figure this out together, Val. You don't have to become one of them."
The possibilities flash through my mind. I can run away, become an Other, even if it means never seeing my family again.
Maybe we can escape the Colony, farther than the Otherlands. I've heard whispers of a place far north, beyond the System.... "Canada"
Anthem grabs my arm. "Come on," he says, and before I realize what's happening, he's pulled me outside The Test building and we run. My long brown hair whips back and forth while I run, tangling itself into a perfect braid.
I gaze at Anthem quizzically. "You were assigned Academic! Why do you want to run away to the Otherlands?"
Anthem gives me one of his side-smiles, his eyes twinkling. "You're not like other girls, Val."
[...]
Outside The Colony, the land is somehow both forest and desert wasteland, and also the ruins of a massive steel city.
We climb up onto the ruins of one of the buildings from the Before Time.
"I can't believe people used to live like this."
They built millions of miles of wires to talk to each other on things called "telephones" before they had Comms implanted. It's crazy.
[...]
My tunic is stained and torn. I have never been this far from the Colony before.
We make a small stew from berries and roots we found in the forest.
After gathering berries, I start a fire nearby. They never taught how. in The Colony, but turns out it isn't that hard!
"How do you feel?" Anthem asks as he gently wiped my wounds with a cloth. "Shiny," I say back, grimacing with pain.
Anthem holds me in his strong arms. I feel his strong arms around me. He has strong arms. Strong arms.
[...]
I had made it to the Otherlands. "Halt!" shouted a voice, harsh and rough. "She's with me!" came Anthem's quick reply.
I'm the best kind of feminist icon - the kind who does everything people tell her to do while worrying about it the entire time.
[...]
Baelem grins at me. "Welcome to the Otherlands."
I trust Baelem innately, even though I know nothing about his past or his motivations.
I wince in pain as I pull a burr from my open wound.
Sephara runs her hand across the gash on my arm. "I'm a Healer," she says with a smile when she sees my confusion. "It's my Talent."
[...]
I'm glad that even in the wilderness of the Otherlands I'm able to shave my armpits and maintain my eyebrows. Of course my skin is perfect after spending four months in the wilderness - I wash my face every morning in the river.
You'd think it'd be difficult to be a teenage girl in the wilderness come a certain time of month, but luckily that's not an issue at all.
I haven't brushed my teeth in seven weeks.
[...]
I meet a lot of people very quickly, but it's easy to keep track because everyone only has a single defining character trait. For weeks, Baelem trained me and the rest of the Others to be fighters, even though it felt like only two and a half minutes. Until I spent time in the Training Facility, I had no idea that I was actually the best nunchuck fighter in the Colony.
"We're training you in hand to hand combat and spear throwing, even though hoverboards and future wall-sized projection screens exist."
Luckily my dad taught me how to fight using his old pocketknife. I'm ready to take on the Securitymen and their thermo-guns.
"Looks like those SlateBoarding skills you showed off back in the Colony are going to come in handy!" Anthem shouted to me.
"But what if I use up the 7 arrows in my quiver?" I ask quizzically. Baelem laughs. "Don't worry about things like that, Val."
[...]
We drank Fieldflower Tonic by the fire, and I felt the liquid burn my throat and warm my belly. Even though it's only ambiguously alcoholic.
An Other girl approaches me. "Hey, Val. You're a little awkward, but in a weird way, that just makes it easier for me to relate to you."
I see Anthem and Callista laughing together over by the fire. Am I....jealous? I can't be. That makes no sense! I'm with Ermias!
Do I love Ermias? I don't know. don't know if I can love anyone at all. I don't think I even know what love is anymore.
Zebiday passes me a bowl of stew. "Lannister and I are going to trying to find the ruins from the Before Time tomorrow. Want to come?"
I notice a group of strangers huddled around the bonfire. "Who are those strangers huddled around?" I ask "Oh them? We call them Arounders."
[...]
Baelem frowns, making the scars on his face (probably from a mysterious accident, I think to myself) stand out even more.
"Val, what you need to understand is..." Baelem hesitates, and then continues. "They're manipulating you. They're manipulating everybody."
Baelem adjusts his tunic and gazes deep into my eyes. "You were the first trueborn daughter born to the Neverwoods clan in 100 years."
I scoff. "The Old Prophecy isn't real. It's just a legend. A bedtime story."
Baelem smiles. "That's what they want you to think."
I raise my untweezed-yet-perfectly-arched eyebrows in surprise.
"You're different than them, Val! You're stronger!”
I clutched the bishop from my father in my hand. Maybe, just maybe, it held the key to saving us all.
[...]
"What is this?" I ask, holding up the strange object, leathery and heavy. Baelem smiles. "That's a book. They're from the Before Time."
"What is a... book?" I ask. The word sounds strange. Baelem smiles. "They were like your Screens, but made of paper from trees," he answers.
Too bad they burned all of the books from the Before Time. I'm sure a lot of them might have had lessons that could've helped.
Maybe this mysterious orphan we've never met before knows something about the Before Time.
[...]
"Wait!" I call. "We need to pause the rebellion. Right now, I need to go save Ermias."
"We understand," Elletra says. "Priorites."
I pull the squeaky silver pair of scissors in a jagged line across my long brown hair. I'm a warrior now; I don't need to look like a Child.
[...]
"Cut your Comm out, Val," Ermias cries. "Come on! Do it! You don't get it - that's how they're controlling you!"
[...]
"You're the best nunchuck fighter in the Colony!" Ermias insists. "But what good is that against the System?" I reply.
Ermias looks into my eyes. "Your family is more special than you know. And you....You're the chosen one."
There's one every 100 years.
Kadam was the last Chosen... I'll have to do what he couldn't.
I'm far too young to understand how to overthrow a government! But none of the adults are doing anything... so I guess it's up to me.
I once could have been happy in this System. Not anymore.
I pull Ermias close. "If they find us here, they'll Kill us. And Kill our families. It's up to us now."
If I can't do it for me, then I have to do it for my little sister.
[...]
"You shouldn't have to wear the blue tunics that mark you as Laborer anymore!" I declare.
Ermias furrows his brow. "I kind of see white."
Ermias shakes me. "You have to accept it! Kadam is dead!"
I twist from his grasp. "What if," I say, "he isn't? What if he never was?"
[...]
I'm plain looking and shy. There's no way two guys would be fighting for my love right? This world is more confusing than it first appeared.
I remember a conversation I had with Anthem weeks ago. "What am I to you, Anthem?" I had asked. "You're my Valentine," he had said, smiling.
We've been flirting for six weeks. My love for him is stronger than anything I've ever known.
They've always told us love is dangerous... but when I look at Anthem, the dangerous thing feels like not being near him.
My heart thumps in my chest.
"But..back in the Colony, you never noticed me." Anthem gazes at me. "I always noticed you, Val. You're different than the other girls."
Suddenly, Anthem leans in to kiss me and suddenly I'm kissing him back. He tastes like cinnamon and fresh bread and the woods.
"But what about The System?" I whisper. "They want to keep us apart." "I don't care about The System," Anthem scoffs. "I care about you."
"This System seems to care a lot about whether two 16-year-olds fuck or not," I say. Anthem nods solemnly.
Before I can say anything, Anthem pulls me in and kisses me on the mouth.
[...]
"I'll do it," I say, with more confidence than I feel. I'm shaking. "I'll do it to find the cure for Kai."
Ermias grabs my arm. "It's too dangerous, Val!" I look straight into his green eyes.
"You'd do the same for me," I say.
Ermias kisses me, hard. It seems this is what our relationship is based on. Well, this, and his cutesy nickname for me ("Val")
"I love you Val. I love the way you never really smile or say anything original. I love how we've never actually talked much. I want you."
You'd think a first love would distract me from taking down the Corrupt System, but you'd be wrong.
“Wait," I whispered breathily. "We don't need to have sex. Overthrowing the government is just as good a marker for growing up."
[...]
Anthem leans in. I want to feel his lips on mine and yet... "I can't," I mumble. "Ermias." "Ermias," Anthem repeats sullenly.
Even with Anthem so close to me, dark hair and clear green eyes, I couldn't stop picturing Ermias, with his light hair and clear green eyes
Anthem pulls away. "There's something you don't know about me."
[...]
Anthem and I are the first people from different Categories to ever fall in love.
I changed my mind. I love Ermias now.
[...]
Anthem takes my hand. "I know we're only 17, but I want to marry you." I wish I could say yes and kiss him, hard. I wish so many things.
Anthem held my hand, but I couldn't stop thinking of Ermias and how he had kissed me when I least expected it. What were these feelings?
Ermias or Anthem? Now I have to deal with that choice, on top of leading a massive revolution. Life as a teenager is hard.
[…]
The death of Disposable Side Character still haunts me. Ever since Whatshername's death, the stakes have been much higher. Things are getting serious in the Colony.
"Wait!" I cried. "I have to go back for Harpa. I'm the only one she has left. Other than our mom."
[...]
Harpa's grown up a lot in the time since I've been gone.
"He's an Other," she said, with venom in her mouth. "We've been taught not to associate with their kind."
My childhood best friend Jessum reappears, just when I forgot about her!
[...]
"You're a traitor?" I say with disbelief. I'm shaking. "But you're someone I once trusted!"
Lysander smirked, his lips curled into a smirking smirk.
"This is all just a part of their Test!"
Lysander laughs. "You don't have the guts to shoot," he taunts
"No, but I have the guts to do THIS!" I say, and slam the switch on the wall.
[...]
Our fight left a massive scar across my face that in no way makes me less attractive, and that I'll only sometimes remember exists.
[...]
It's time to rise up against the government and be a revolutionary. Good thing I'm white, or I'd be a thug.
"The Leaders have been lying to us for too long!" Baelem shouted. "We must build a new society, without existing political infrastructure!"
Turns out, violence IS the best way to affect sociopolitical change.
[...]
I'm battling the Capital's army with a sword, but, in a way, this whole experience is kind of like being in high school. Very relatable!
The Arounders circle us. But their eyes look glassy, blank. They're already under the Elder's control.
"Anthem!" I cried out, "Your rebellious sacrifice isn't worth it!"
Anthem looked back at me. "You're worth everything to me, Val."
I have to make a choice: whether my love for Anthem is more important than the rebellion. Wait. I mean, my love for Ermias. Which one of them will make this decision harder?
Even after years of spending time with them, I'm juuuust not sure whether my soulmate is Anthem or Ermias. It's one of them, for sure. I've definitely met my soul mate at age 16. Just not sure which boy out of the two I've spoken to in my life.
I hate to say it, but as the Chosen One, I'd actually think more than two boys would be interested in me.
The Securityman approached. It was Lysander. "I've wanted to do this for a long time," he smirked, raising his boot.
[...]
The Colony Leader stood before me, wearing a crisp monochromatic suit.
Colony Leader Benedair smirked. "I bet you're wondering why I, the Leader of this entire Colony, am meeting with you, a teenager."
The Colony Leader smiled and leered down at me, with a gaze like a snake or a hawk or the hungry eyes of a wolf.
The Elder smiles sickeningly. "I'm sure you want to know why we've been doing all of this. And I'm going to tell you."
My entire life played out before my eyes like a movie - a movie split into two parts right when it started getting exciting.
The Harvesting is approaching
"But I don't think I'm exceptional," I protest. Leader Benedair smirked. "That makes you even MORE exceptional. And for that, you must die."
I stand tall before the Elders. "Before he died, my mentor Baelem said something very wise: 'With great power comes great---' Wait, shit."
I try to comfort myself by thinking of what I know: My name is Valentine Neverwoods. I am from the Colony. Nothing else is what it seems. My secrets keep me safe.
With both arms outstretched, I sacrificed myself in a pose that would be evocative of someone if He-- I mean he existed in this world.
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