(no subject)
So the thing I've realized is I'm really good with myself. Like, I like who I am, who I've become over the past few years. But I always thought that being happy with who I am would make me happy overall, and that's not the way it's worked out. I'm sad, okay? I wish that people would just accept that sometimes. I'm not miserable most of the time, but I'm not necessarily happy. I like me. I just don't like a lot of what's going on around me and therefore affecting me. I do have some really good friends. Gebz is great even though I complain about him. And everyone at Jason's, and Hester and Danielle and of course Cheryl if I ever see her. But all of these people have more important people. And that's okay, it's not that I want everyone to pay attention to me all the time. It just seems like everyone has their appointed best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, and I don't have anyone I'm that close to. There's nobody that when I'm really sad I can just call and cry to for a few minutes and everything can seem at least a little bit better. So I either cry alone in my room and get nothing accomplished except feeling sorry for myself, or I don't let myself do that and things like last Saturday happen where I just can't hold everything in anymore (and I'm drunk). So step one is I've decided not to drink so much. I'm sort of over it, which is pretty sad since my 21st is in a week, but I don't even care. I mean, I'm excited of course, but it's not like I'm really going to go to bars all that much after this next weekend. I'm honestly more excited for Project Runway to start again (November 14th!) than to turn 21. How lame am I.
Anyway, I've been thinking about going to the school counsellor again, but I don't really know if there's a point. I don't have the time first of all, and I already know what's wrong with me, and it's just stuff I have to work on. But sometimes I think I maybe do need some sort of chemical assistance in getting my shit straight. But then I think I'll turn into a zombie. I don't want my emotions to go away, I just want to be able to control them better. And to be happier. I just don't know. I want to get out of this town so badly some times, but other times I have anxiety attacks about leaving. I am taking some breaks though. Next weekend I'm going home for a night, and then the weekend after that to Phil's for his parents' halloween party, then the weekend after that home again for a haunted house with my parents, then hopefully up to New York to visit Ali after that. i don't know, this is turning into selfish rambling.
Anyway, I've been thinking about going to the school counsellor again, but I don't really know if there's a point. I don't have the time first of all, and I already know what's wrong with me, and it's just stuff I have to work on. But sometimes I think I maybe do need some sort of chemical assistance in getting my shit straight. But then I think I'll turn into a zombie. I don't want my emotions to go away, I just want to be able to control them better. And to be happier. I just don't know. I want to get out of this town so badly some times, but other times I have anxiety attacks about leaving. I am taking some breaks though. Next weekend I'm going home for a night, and then the weekend after that to Phil's for his parents' halloween party, then the weekend after that home again for a haunted house with my parents, then hopefully up to New York to visit Ali after that. i don't know, this is turning into selfish rambling.