Breaking Up Is Hard to Do...But Only Sometimes. Now Is Not One of Those Times.
A few months back-heck, it was probably last summer by this point-I was talking on the phone with one of my out-of-state Best Good Friends, Eric. Now, I was snivelling to Eric about some inanity or another that I was unhappy about, and Eric, ever the perceptive friend, clued into something deeper.
“How’s A--?” he asked, referring to my boyfriend
“He’s fine,” I responded cautiously, caught a little off-guard. “Why?”
“Okay, how are you and A--?” Eric persisted.
“We’re fine,” I snapped, probably a little testily. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
Eric paused, trying to formulate his words carefully. “Well…it’s just that you never talk about him. At all. Ever. I mean, in the beginning, I could understand why you didn’t, but you’ve been together almost two years, and you still don’t mention him. It’s weird, how little you mention him.”
He’s a really smart guy, that Eric. And he tapped into something that has been a key theme in the relationship I have had with A--: the absence of him in my life, and me in his. Now, I can only speculate (probably pretty accurately) on why I was not a huge part of his life, but I can certainly account for his absence in mine: it was by and large my choice as much as his. I haven’t talked about him a lot, not to my colleagues, not to my family, not on any of my blogs (and believe me, there are quite a few), and only a very select few of my friends…most of whom did not like him. But that’s neither here nor there.
I think we held each other at arm’s length, A-- and I did. Again, I can only imagine why he did (I bet I’d be pretty spot-on in my guesses, too) but I know the decision was, for me, deliberate. I loved him, and I had hopes…but I had no expectations. So when the end came, as it did a little over a week ago, there was very little drama, and perhaps most sadly, very little heartbreak. I cried that day, and then a little a few days later, but that was all.
I genuinely mourn the passing of our relationship. I genuinely mourn the wasted potential. I genuinely mourn the fact that love was never given a chance to grow-love cannot flourish where it is not nurtured. But I walk away with my dignity intact, and with the knowledge that even though in some ways I held myself back, I did give the relationship my best. Some things just aren’t supposed to work, and some times we keep relationships on life support long after we shouldS have pulled the plug.
Next time, I’m going to listen to Eric Smarty-pants more. That guy really knows what he’s talking about.