Just the usual dose of randomness+self hatred
Strange how laughter looks like crying with no sound
Raindrops taste like tears without the pain
Just a couple lines from a song I heard earlier... no particular reason for putting those there other than, I like them, so, if you don't, deal with it. You're reading my journal, don't like what I have to say, f'n deal with it, or just don't read. Posted my typical concert review from the Louisville show in the SD community, so, I'm not going to put it here right now.
I hate myself.
You know how it feels to have a realizing or sorts about something? Know how it feels to see things going wrong but not being able to stop them or change them? It's kinda like a cross between those feelings. It's not a nice feeling, incase anyone was wondering or cared. I thought I hated the way my life was going... because, no, I'm really not happy with everything. But, that saying that "if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else"... yep, definitely some of that, only, not just with people, but with like, every element to my life. I've just realized that, it can't be that my life is so much worse than everyone elses... I'm just pitying myself, and I just hate myself too much to be happy about any change, there's always going to be a downside when something new comes along, and somehow that's all my mind can focus on. Now for the other part... how you can see what's wrong but feel helpless to do anything about it? I can see myself stuck in this horrid train of thought, but at the same time feel like there's nothing I can do about it, because though I know it's supposed to be wrong to feel this way, it's just how I feel, I can't just make my emotions go away, or stop acting badly. It's like I have two personalities running simultaneously... the depressive and the angry, and they act on eachother, a vicious cycle of angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself and being depressed because I'm so against everything about myself.
It's not even so much that I want to kill myself as that I just don't want to live anymore. It crosses my mind atleast once daily that "I wish I could die in some terrible accident" or "I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up anymore"... something that wouldn't be suicide, something that wouldn't be considered cowardly and as "taking the easy way out", something not leaving everyone around me to ponder what happened and what could have gone differently that I'd still be here...
I wonder if I'll ever get better. Sometimes I think I have it beat, that the black cloud has dissolved and I can just live without wanting to die like a "normal" person, but it always comes back... I just keep thinking there has to be something seriously wrong with me, something that I can't fix myself or I would have by now... some reason I go through spells of feeling driven to destroy myself. My ideal of my perfect self is simply non-existant... not the idea, but me, if I were in a state of non-existance, that would be perfect... I couldn't make mistakes, I couldn't be so messed up, I couldn't be so wrong and feel unable to correct myself...
* sigh *
I think I've run out of reflective things to say. I think I've finally exhausted my brain. I'm going to bed.
Raindrops taste like tears without the pain
Just a couple lines from a song I heard earlier... no particular reason for putting those there other than, I like them, so, if you don't, deal with it. You're reading my journal, don't like what I have to say, f'n deal with it, or just don't read. Posted my typical concert review from the Louisville show in the SD community, so, I'm not going to put it here right now.
I hate myself.
You know how it feels to have a realizing or sorts about something? Know how it feels to see things going wrong but not being able to stop them or change them? It's kinda like a cross between those feelings. It's not a nice feeling, incase anyone was wondering or cared. I thought I hated the way my life was going... because, no, I'm really not happy with everything. But, that saying that "if you don't love yourself you can't love anyone else"... yep, definitely some of that, only, not just with people, but with like, every element to my life. I've just realized that, it can't be that my life is so much worse than everyone elses... I'm just pitying myself, and I just hate myself too much to be happy about any change, there's always going to be a downside when something new comes along, and somehow that's all my mind can focus on. Now for the other part... how you can see what's wrong but feel helpless to do anything about it? I can see myself stuck in this horrid train of thought, but at the same time feel like there's nothing I can do about it, because though I know it's supposed to be wrong to feel this way, it's just how I feel, I can't just make my emotions go away, or stop acting badly. It's like I have two personalities running simultaneously... the depressive and the angry, and they act on eachother, a vicious cycle of angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself and being depressed because I'm so against everything about myself.
It's not even so much that I want to kill myself as that I just don't want to live anymore. It crosses my mind atleast once daily that "I wish I could die in some terrible accident" or "I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up anymore"... something that wouldn't be suicide, something that wouldn't be considered cowardly and as "taking the easy way out", something not leaving everyone around me to ponder what happened and what could have gone differently that I'd still be here...
I wonder if I'll ever get better. Sometimes I think I have it beat, that the black cloud has dissolved and I can just live without wanting to die like a "normal" person, but it always comes back... I just keep thinking there has to be something seriously wrong with me, something that I can't fix myself or I would have by now... some reason I go through spells of feeling driven to destroy myself. My ideal of my perfect self is simply non-existant... not the idea, but me, if I were in a state of non-existance, that would be perfect... I couldn't make mistakes, I couldn't be so messed up, I couldn't be so wrong and feel unable to correct myself...
* sigh *
I think I've run out of reflective things to say. I think I've finally exhausted my brain. I'm going to bed.