Tricky Dicky
I've been meaning to post for a while; a proper post full of thoughts and feelings, but I haven't really found the 'mood' for it. I thought I'd just start typing and see what happened. So here I am...
The post exams period has been most odd. Following the exams I had a bad cold coupled with toothache. I was also very tired after all the stress of the exams. I've been sleeping quite a lot. I went to Bristol for a week and a bit to do a short project, and I think the travelling and various hassels on top of everything else have left me pretty drained. I'm resting over the Easter weekend, and I'm hoping that will sort me out.
I hit the gym on Saturday and Wednesday, but injured my neck on the Wednesday quite badly so I've had to rest. I still don't have full rotation of my head, but the pain is much better now. The gym felt good, it really has been too long, and the old familiar ache in the muscles feels lovely. Apart from the neck...that feels awful.
Now the exams are over I feel quite empty without the subjects now, and in many ways I feel that I had had more time with them. Partly because I still don't feel I did them justice, and partly because of the way it was done. The way we are taught, to cram things into our short-term memories to pass the exams, didn't really give us much of a depth of understanding about the subjects. We learnt mostly by processes and repetition. It's a shame. Even though it's all over, it all hangs over my head and casts a shadow on everything I do. I wonder if it's symptomatic of other areas of my life not being complete. I think that certainly I'm not a happy person, merely satisfied in many practical respects.
Thinking about it, I might have been happy as a child, but I can't remember. The last time I can say for certain that I was happy was as a member of the G&S theatre group in Nottingham. Even then, that took time for me to settle in, but I had some very good years before it all slipped away when I started my PhD. In some ways it was good that it was taken from me in increments; I feel sorry for James McGraw who will have to be torn away in a single wrench, from a society that still loves him.
I'm not really sure where I'm going. I think passing the exams would stave off depression rather than bring happiness. Maybe I should just try to be more satisfied with the little things...
The post exams period has been most odd. Following the exams I had a bad cold coupled with toothache. I was also very tired after all the stress of the exams. I've been sleeping quite a lot. I went to Bristol for a week and a bit to do a short project, and I think the travelling and various hassels on top of everything else have left me pretty drained. I'm resting over the Easter weekend, and I'm hoping that will sort me out.
I hit the gym on Saturday and Wednesday, but injured my neck on the Wednesday quite badly so I've had to rest. I still don't have full rotation of my head, but the pain is much better now. The gym felt good, it really has been too long, and the old familiar ache in the muscles feels lovely. Apart from the neck...that feels awful.
Now the exams are over I feel quite empty without the subjects now, and in many ways I feel that I had had more time with them. Partly because I still don't feel I did them justice, and partly because of the way it was done. The way we are taught, to cram things into our short-term memories to pass the exams, didn't really give us much of a depth of understanding about the subjects. We learnt mostly by processes and repetition. It's a shame. Even though it's all over, it all hangs over my head and casts a shadow on everything I do. I wonder if it's symptomatic of other areas of my life not being complete. I think that certainly I'm not a happy person, merely satisfied in many practical respects.
Thinking about it, I might have been happy as a child, but I can't remember. The last time I can say for certain that I was happy was as a member of the G&S theatre group in Nottingham. Even then, that took time for me to settle in, but I had some very good years before it all slipped away when I started my PhD. In some ways it was good that it was taken from me in increments; I feel sorry for James McGraw who will have to be torn away in a single wrench, from a society that still loves him.
I'm not really sure where I'm going. I think passing the exams would stave off depression rather than bring happiness. Maybe I should just try to be more satisfied with the little things...