(no subject)
thoughts are spinning/reeling/exploding in my head.
The kind of thoughts you don't want to think about but know you have to if you ever want to sleep again. The kind of thoughts you wish you could talk about to people while looking in thier eyes to see if they understand you at all, if they ever have. The kind of thoughts that store themselves in the back of your head until just the right time approaches, then they let you think of nothing else.
I'm releived, to say the least that i was able to come back to NY and feel at home, not the kind of home you call home but the kind of home you can live in. The plane ride back was the definition of surreal. I fell asleep in oakland, woke up in chicago and then woke up again in new york. Stepping outside of the terminal, by myself, knowing i was going back to a house where no one was waiting for me, knowing i had just left the place where everyone was waiting for me to come back. well fuck.
I don't regret anything, ny has changed me into the person i have always wanted to be; independent, happy, glowing, secure, confident. Having all of these new characteristics seemed too good to be true, in berkeley. people said they noticed something was different, that I was different. It felt great to have people to notice it.
i'm not making sense and it's because of these thoughts in my head, that won't let me articulate exactly what i want to say.
Mostly, it's just that i love every single one of you for loving me. and i love some of you for not loving me, it's that balance that keeps me sane. I had the most incredible time home, thank you so much.
it's crazy how you can miss something almost instantaneously, if it's worth it.
The kind of thoughts you don't want to think about but know you have to if you ever want to sleep again. The kind of thoughts you wish you could talk about to people while looking in thier eyes to see if they understand you at all, if they ever have. The kind of thoughts that store themselves in the back of your head until just the right time approaches, then they let you think of nothing else.
I'm releived, to say the least that i was able to come back to NY and feel at home, not the kind of home you call home but the kind of home you can live in. The plane ride back was the definition of surreal. I fell asleep in oakland, woke up in chicago and then woke up again in new york. Stepping outside of the terminal, by myself, knowing i was going back to a house where no one was waiting for me, knowing i had just left the place where everyone was waiting for me to come back. well fuck.
I don't regret anything, ny has changed me into the person i have always wanted to be; independent, happy, glowing, secure, confident. Having all of these new characteristics seemed too good to be true, in berkeley. people said they noticed something was different, that I was different. It felt great to have people to notice it.
i'm not making sense and it's because of these thoughts in my head, that won't let me articulate exactly what i want to say.
Mostly, it's just that i love every single one of you for loving me. and i love some of you for not loving me, it's that balance that keeps me sane. I had the most incredible time home, thank you so much.
it's crazy how you can miss something almost instantaneously, if it's worth it.