shocks
shocks
Friday, June 18, 2004
I can feel the distance getting near...
I feel very numb and strange. Tired, but not liable to sleep. Sad, but not able to cry. I know I should eat-I'm trying. Absently eating saltines *sigh* It's hard enough to get myself to eat normally-it occurs to me that probably the *only* reason we haven't lost more weight in the last year and a half is a lot of the things we *like* turned out to be high-fat. I hadn't really thought of it before-my cholesterol is amazingly good, I'm not overweight or anything... But now it's hitting, and I'm feeling really, really depressed, and... that makes it all hard. I don't know how much of this depression is that I had to be off the Effexor for six days when I was so sick and how much is natural reactions to all this crap and medical uncertianty right now...
And then there's whatever the hell's going on inside. I'm not as distant from it as I make it sound, actually (I almost said regrettably-but it doesn't help-not knowing really only makes it worse). There's a great deal of pain inside right now, and chaos, I think. Children are scared-they don't like talking on the phone, especially the Kindern, so they haven't gotten to talk to Dr.D in quite a while (wow, like a month now...).
Don't know now where I put it, but oh, yesterday I got really triggered. I was going to a doctor's appointment in SF (I've had FAR too many of those, lately) and was reading a local free paper, skimming things. Sometimes I read the sex-advice collum, out of curiosity or something similar-this time it was mostly about what the author referred to as "e-stim". E-stim is electric shock used in S/M scenarios-he talked about it being a very effective way to cause intense pain without leaving marks or causing permanent damage... He spoke with a man who makes these devices and sells them online... Some set up remote controlled, or tuned to noise... I think I blanked out, a bit-I mean, I *know* people do that in SM, and I... know that from other contexts, but... Er, hadn't put it together, in that way-yeah, it's so damn easy to get this stuff, you can buy it over the internet, and no one's going to know *what* you're doing with it... I clipped it out, just don't know where it ended up...
Friday, June 18, 2004
I can feel the distance getting near...
I feel very numb and strange. Tired, but not liable to sleep. Sad, but not able to cry. I know I should eat-I'm trying. Absently eating saltines *sigh* It's hard enough to get myself to eat normally-it occurs to me that probably the *only* reason we haven't lost more weight in the last year and a half is a lot of the things we *like* turned out to be high-fat. I hadn't really thought of it before-my cholesterol is amazingly good, I'm not overweight or anything... But now it's hitting, and I'm feeling really, really depressed, and... that makes it all hard. I don't know how much of this depression is that I had to be off the Effexor for six days when I was so sick and how much is natural reactions to all this crap and medical uncertianty right now...
And then there's whatever the hell's going on inside. I'm not as distant from it as I make it sound, actually (I almost said regrettably-but it doesn't help-not knowing really only makes it worse). There's a great deal of pain inside right now, and chaos, I think. Children are scared-they don't like talking on the phone, especially the Kindern, so they haven't gotten to talk to Dr.D in quite a while (wow, like a month now...).
Don't know now where I put it, but oh, yesterday I got really triggered. I was going to a doctor's appointment in SF (I've had FAR too many of those, lately) and was reading a local free paper, skimming things. Sometimes I read the sex-advice collum, out of curiosity or something similar-this time it was mostly about what the author referred to as "e-stim". E-stim is electric shock used in S/M scenarios-he talked about it being a very effective way to cause intense pain without leaving marks or causing permanent damage... He spoke with a man who makes these devices and sells them online... Some set up remote controlled, or tuned to noise... I think I blanked out, a bit-I mean, I *know* people do that in SM, and I... know that from other contexts, but... Er, hadn't put it together, in that way-yeah, it's so damn easy to get this stuff, you can buy it over the internet, and no one's going to know *what* you're doing with it... I clipped it out, just don't know where it ended up...