can't sleep, clowns will eat me, can't sleep...
No, seriously, I can't sleep. It's bad. As in, the other week I was up until 8am one morning, and then slept for four hours. And I just can't SLEEP. It's not my regular meds or something- those are basically the same. Even the slight increase in Effexor shouldn't do this, not to me.
And I haven't had THIS kind of consistently insane sleeping problems in YEARS. And I don't know specifically WHY.(Though aside from the familial and cult anniversaries with the holidays- not that I *remember* a lot of that- this was the time of year I was last- I last saw the doctor who did what I call "medical torture/experimentation" on me. And THAT was- only back in Dec. 2003. I've found I have an intense anniversary reaction to that now, too. Lovely. And- I still don't even know all of what happened then. And since that- was what caused me to start remembering that stuff, it- pulls in the years and years of that shit. I want to talk about it but I'm scared no one will be able to be there with me with it- that I'll be alone in it again.)
And I already feel alone and hurting as it is. I *desperately* wanted to ask my friend Emily if I could just- cuddle with her, totally nonsexual, just- human contact, when I was staying at her house. Couldn't ask, though. And I think she- wouldn't be able to/understand. Just want someone to hold me.
And I just want someone to hold me, sometimes. I think I'd sleep better, and feel safer. Less likely to drift off into horrible blackness if someone was THERE- probably part of why I'm sleeping a bit better at friend's houses. I'd even- even settle for having a roommate in a hospital setting, just to not be ALONE.
I called my new psychiatrist and left him a message briefly saying about the not sleeping (he doesn't know about the other stuff yet- I'm scared he wouldn't believe me) and asking him to call me back. He did, but I haven't called him back yet- I'm scared that a)he'll think I'm bipolar, which I'm not and/or b)he'll want to hospitalize me, which given my current insurance mess probably means I could only go to this one place that ummm- wasn't very good at all (Herrick, if anyone remembers me talking about it).
I am getting some sleep. But I'm regularly up util four or five am, which does *wonderful* things for anyting else I'm trying to do, and often I either (occassionally) crash for hours and hours or only sleep briefly if I have somewhere to be. My sleep meds seem to be doing about zip- I know people inside are fighting to stay awake, and this is somehow connected to how we've been having real problems eating (as in, not eating much at all most of the time) but I don't know how. The food stuff it feels like we're "not allowed to eat", I'm not sure about the sleep...
It feels like someone inside needs to be told we're *allowed* to sleep. But not by me, obviously (I've already tried it).
Help, feedback, hugs, suggestions, something would be really appreacited. Thank you.
D.
And I haven't had THIS kind of consistently insane sleeping problems in YEARS. And I don't know specifically WHY.(Though aside from the familial and cult anniversaries with the holidays- not that I *remember* a lot of that- this was the time of year I was last- I last saw the doctor who did what I call "medical torture/experimentation" on me. And THAT was- only back in Dec. 2003. I've found I have an intense anniversary reaction to that now, too. Lovely. And- I still don't even know all of what happened then. And since that- was what caused me to start remembering that stuff, it- pulls in the years and years of that shit. I want to talk about it but I'm scared no one will be able to be there with me with it- that I'll be alone in it again.)
And I already feel alone and hurting as it is. I *desperately* wanted to ask my friend Emily if I could just- cuddle with her, totally nonsexual, just- human contact, when I was staying at her house. Couldn't ask, though. And I think she- wouldn't be able to/understand. Just want someone to hold me.
And I just want someone to hold me, sometimes. I think I'd sleep better, and feel safer. Less likely to drift off into horrible blackness if someone was THERE- probably part of why I'm sleeping a bit better at friend's houses. I'd even- even settle for having a roommate in a hospital setting, just to not be ALONE.
I called my new psychiatrist and left him a message briefly saying about the not sleeping (he doesn't know about the other stuff yet- I'm scared he wouldn't believe me) and asking him to call me back. He did, but I haven't called him back yet- I'm scared that a)he'll think I'm bipolar, which I'm not and/or b)he'll want to hospitalize me, which given my current insurance mess probably means I could only go to this one place that ummm- wasn't very good at all (Herrick, if anyone remembers me talking about it).
I am getting some sleep. But I'm regularly up util four or five am, which does *wonderful* things for anyting else I'm trying to do, and often I either (occassionally) crash for hours and hours or only sleep briefly if I have somewhere to be. My sleep meds seem to be doing about zip- I know people inside are fighting to stay awake, and this is somehow connected to how we've been having real problems eating (as in, not eating much at all most of the time) but I don't know how. The food stuff it feels like we're "not allowed to eat", I'm not sure about the sleep...
It feels like someone inside needs to be told we're *allowed* to sleep. But not by me, obviously (I've already tried it).
Help, feedback, hugs, suggestions, something would be really appreacited. Thank you.
D.