Death in Appalachia, Chapter 9: The Warriors' Art
Authors: atana_blackfox & paintercrow
Summary: Sam begins his training and some startling realizations result.
Rating/Warning: Mature (NC-17), Warnings for story overall. Swearing (most chapters). Rape and torture chapters have separate warnings. Character deaths (Ballad novels/OCs). Sex--both hetero and homosexual.
Disclaimer: We do not own the Supernatural or Ballad novel story elements.
Death in Appalachia Chapter 9: The Warriors' Art:
Summary: Sam begins his training and some startling realizations result.
“I am telling you, it was creepy,” Sam said, shaking his head. “All of a sudden she just handed me the phone, ate and drank the food and tea I gave her, and went back to bed. The entire time her cat kept staring and pawing at her.” Sam was sitting with Jay and Dean on the back porch, talking over the events and catching up on the overall situation. “I think she was crying earlier, but I just left her alone.”
“Probably for the best,” Jay said. “Aunt Vera has a bad habit of trying to do too many things at once. That and she can be really bad about letting people help her if they are not part of the coven.” He got quiet for a moment. “I think she has had to keep so many things secret for most of her life she’s always had a hard time letting people in. I didn’t even find out she was Pagan until I turned 17, even though she had been training me since I was little.” Sam and Dean exchanged glances; they knew what it was like having to keep secrets.
“Yeah,” Jay continued with a hint of smugness in his voice, “I’ve always been able to calm her down when no one else could.” Sam surreptitiously touched Dean’s arm to let him know that he didn’t think that it was Jay that had calmed Vera down. He didn’t know exactly what it was, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with Jay.
“Your aunt said something about both Dean and I having familiars, and we both have cats following us around. What’s going on with that? We’re not Wiccan.” Sam asked, reaching up to pet Starlight who was perched on his shoulder.
“You don’t have to be Wiccan or even a witch to have a familiar,” Jay began, his eyes kept wandering to Sam's fingers stroking Star's fur, “any psychic or magician can bond with a familiar.” Sam tensed. This wasn’t telling him what the hell a familiar actually was.
“What are they exactly? Are they cats? Why do only psychics and magicians have them?”
Jay pursed his lips. “Well, a familiar can be just about any type of animal and you can have more than one. Auntie Emma has two, Jazzy, a long-haired tabby, and Jose, the black Chow. Auntie Sahba’s familiar right now is a cat, Blue Boy. Her last familiar was a parrot. He was over a hundred when he died. I think only psychics and magicians have them ‘cause they’re the only ones that can understand them.”
“So they’re just pets?” Dean asked. Jay threw him a disgusted look.
“No. A familiar is not ‘just a pet.’ They are very devoted to one person and can help you ground or shield if you need it. It’s kind of like a parent/child relationship, but not really. They tend to be real smart, like geniuses of their species and can do the weirdest stuff. Aunt Vera’s familiar can open and close dresser drawers and turn water faucets on and off. Jose looks after Auntie Emma’s grandkids while they’re visiting and if they get into trouble Jazzy comes and gets her. Most of the time your familiar will show up if you’re doing any heavy duty psychic or ritual stuff. They can also let other people know if their human is sick or upset.”
Dean looked down at Griffin in his lap. “So they’re like a cat version of Lassie?" Sam tried not to laugh and Jay snorted.
“No, familiars chose you. They’re sacred, like a gift from the Gods. At least that’s what Aunt Vera says.” Jay glanced resentfully at Griffin, who was squirming delightedly in Dean’s lap as he rubbed his furry belly.
“So are they like pure breeds? Can you breed two familiars to get more?” Dean asked. Jay shook his head slowly.
“No, and that’s really weird. Psychic abilities tend to run in families, but it doesn’t seem to with familiars. Jazzy and Griffin are both from the same litter of kittens Auntie Emma rescued, but that’s rare. None of the other kittens or their momma are familiars. Jose was an abused dog she got from the pound. Starlight is the runt of a litter of feral barn kittens. She was starving to death when Auntie Emma rescued her. She’s really shy.” Jay glanced at the little white kitten on Sam’s broad shoulder, and then realized he was staring a bit too long and cleared his throat nervously.
Sam shifted uneasily. Dean thought Starlight didn’t look old enough to be away from her mother. She liked to suck on Sammy’s shirt when she thought she could get away with it.
“What are we supposed to do with them?” Dean asked with exasperation. Sam cuddled with Starlight like it was second nature. He looked down at the furry half-grown cat in his lap. What the hell was he supposed to do with this fuzzy soccer ball? Even though Dean asked the question, Jay looked at Sam as he spoke.
“Well, since they’re new, you should spend a lot of time with them. Play, snuggle, let them sleep with you, feed them. Aunt Vera lets Shade drink out of her glass and eat food off her plate. The more time you spend with your familiar, the stronger the bond. Starlight needs special food since she’s so young. Auntie Emma keeps special cans of it for her. I’ll show you where they are.” Jay offered.
“But we travel a lot! How in the hell are we supposed to take care of two cats when we’re on the road?” Dean snapped, looking down at Griffin who was gazing up at him adoringly. How would Griffin react when he had to leave him behind on Hunting trips?
“You got me there, chief,” Jay smirked.
“Where is your familiar?” Dean asked innocently, even though he was sure of the answer. Jay’s stomach started rumbling. "Hey, anyone hungry?" He asked earnestly, leaping to his feet. "I could make some tuna sandwiches."
* * * *
After lunch, Dean headed upstairs to sit with Vera while Jay took Sam to the altar room on the first floor. Starlight scrambled into the room before they closed the door.
“Shoo,” Sam gently said to the kitten. She looked up at him with a pathetic expression and softly mewled. Jay just looked amused.
“Let her stay, she isn’t going to hurt anything.” Jay said. “It’s probably best that she’s here so she can learn with you.”
“Are you sure it's okay that we’re in here?” Sam asked nervously. Jay shrugged.
“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s the ritual room for the coven. This is probably the safest room in the house for you.” Sam did notice that it felt like Vera’s office, like it was muffled or sound proofed. He couldn’t feel anyone else besides Jay, and he could barely feel him.
“Why can I barely feel you and your aunt?” Sam asked cautiously.
“Because we use good shields. That’s both for our benefit and other peoples. We can affect people, even hurt them if we aren’t careful, but I’m sure you’ve figured that out.” Jay lifted an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I’ve had about four people bitch me out about that.” Sam said as he looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck. Jay punched him lightly on the arm.
“Hey man, it happens. Just be glad Aunt Vera pulled back in time and your brother kept both of you pretty well grounded. He’s just as amazing as you are in his own way.” The compliment just embarrassed Sam more. He looked up and realized for the first time that Jay was almost as tall as he was. For some reason he found himself blushing. Being tall and dark-haired must run in their family. He looked around the room hoping to distract himself from the younger man.
If Vera’s office abounded with strange things he could almost see, this place was crammed with them. He noticed that this room had been completely renovated already. There were four altars, one against each wall and one in the center of the room. Each altar had a sheathed sword hanging on the wall above it. The altars themselves were covered with stones, feathers, cups, bowls, books, pinecones, flowers and an occasional knife. There were so many things on the edge of his vision he kept whipping his head around to try to see them before they disappeared. Then he heard Jay laughing.
“Hey, don’t give yourself whiplash. You’re just seeing the wards and sigils that the coven has put up. You’ll learn how to see those later on. Right now you need to start on the basics so you don’t hurt anyone or get hurt yourself!”
“Are you sure it’s safe…” Sam began.
“Yeah,” Jay said, cutting him off. “You might be strong, but I’ve been training since I was a kid and I’m not exhausted like Aunt Vera. I also know what’s up with you and that you feel bad about what happened with her. You’re cautious now, and that’s good. You need to be!”
They settled onto the floor, sitting cross-legged on yoga mats as Jay explained the basics of grounding, centering and shielding. Sam felt a great deal of relief as he began to learn how to keep himself in the here and now and not let his mind drift or be distracted by other people’s thoughts and emotions. Starlight snuggled down in his lap and went to sleep.
Jay was a surprisingly patient teacher and Sam was glad he was able to start learning before Vera recovered. They were beginning to do a little energy work so he could learn how to work with other psychics, mainly so they could help him shield until he was able to do it completely on his own. Unfortunately he started having a problem. He was beginning to find himself very sexually aroused, and it was pretty obvious through his light summer shorts. Sam dared a quick glance at Jay’s crotch. He wasn’t having the problem Sam was.
Jay suddenly broke off his explanations of energy work and cleared his throat.
“Hey man, its okay. This happens sometimes when you’re first learning how to do energy work with other people. Maybe I should have let Aunt Vera teach you this part.”
“Uh, no. This is embarrassing enough with you; I can’t imagine how it would be with her.” Now Jay seemed a little embarrassed.
“Well, you probably wouldn’t have had this problem with her because, well, she’s so much older than you. I know you just realized that you’re psychic recently, but how long have you known you were bi?” Sam was thunderstruck. Was that why he was having dreams about men? It was because he was bi, not straight and just trying to find a “safe” sexual outlet that didn’t make him feel guilty about Jess?
Sam still had a raging hard on. He hadn’t been able to masturbate since Jessica’s death. He had to know. Sam leaned in close to kiss Jay. Jay moved a little to make it easier for him, but he was obviously letting Sam be in control.
Jay’s lips were firm but soft, and as they slid their tongues past each other, Sam noticed that Jay tasted of the orange he had eaten earlier in the day. His mouth was warm and sweet, silky smooth except for the tantalizing texture of his tongue. Jay slid his hand gently into the hair on the back of Sam’s head, not pressing but gently caressing his scalp. These soft gestures awakened emotions in Sam that he had not felt in a long time.
Sam broke away abruptly, gasping. Jay did not pursue him but lightly stroked Sam's cheek as he pulled his hand from his hair. Sam looked at Jay, but he was only smiling softly, as if he were trying not to scare him.
“I, um, I need a break,” Sam managed to get out. He could feel that he was now leaking in his shorts.
“It’s okay.” Jay said in an almost normal sounding voice. “Like I said, it happens sometimes.” Getting up so abruptly that Starlight protested Sam made his way to the bathroom almost directly across the hall.
He closed and locked the door behind him, still very aroused and confused. He shucked his shorts and boxers and pulled a towel out of the bathroom storage closet. He noticed a bottle of organic bath oil and pulled that out too. He turned on the shower to cover any noise he made. Then he put down the towel on the floor and sat on it, his back against the wall.
He poured a generous amount of oil onto his hand to warm it slightly before using it to coat his cock and balls. Sam noticed that the oil smelled of lavender. He didn’t mind, everyone here seemed to use it and he was beginning to like the scent. He stroked himself for a few moments before spreading the oil to his perineum, and after slouching slightly, to his ass.
Just touching his anus made him moan, it definitely felt good. His cock jumped as he did so, and Sam felt more aroused than he had outside of a dream since Jess died. Stroking his cock faster, he slowly wriggled his index finger to just inside his ass, gently moving it around as he did so. His breath hitched as he began to sweat, and his balls were beginning to draw up. The scent of lavender filled his nostrils and the wall tiles were cool against his shoulder blades. Encouraged by the good feelings of his finger in his ass, he began to slowly pull it in and out, going a little deeper each time. Sam began to whimper, making a pitiful sound, desperately hoping that this time he would get the release he so desperately needed. He thought he’d die if he didn’t. He pumped his cock faster while fingering his ass deeper and more daringly, beginning to sob, tears rolling down his cheeks. Finally, almost pumping his entire index finger into his ass, Sam hit something that made him scream and arch his back, his voice echoing slightly off the bathroom walls. With that scream his balls tightened and his cock started twitching violently, shooting his seed all over his stomach, hand and floor. Sam gasped and laid there for a moment, still sobbing slightly.
Oh God. Jessica was dead. That demon from the airplane said she was still burning. Her death must have been an agony, an agony she could still be feeling. He should have told her. He could have stopped it. He shouldn’t have tried to have a normal life. Dean was right; they couldn’t have friends in the “normal” world. At least they found out about the other Hunters and Guardians.
That only made him feel worse. As long as he and Dean had been hunting on their own, the isolation, the pain, the act of saving others was the only thing that quieted his guilt. Sam realized that he had been throwing himself into Hunting, caring for Dean, or whatever work there was to do to justify continuing to live. Even using his abilities was a kind of penance; if he would have accepted them sooner he could have saved Jess. He was so far into denial about the reality of his past to notice a supernatural threat to someone he loved.
Now he was sitting on a bathroom floor after jerking off. Jessica was dead, it was his fault and he was enjoying himself. How could he make himself feel so good when he was responsible for her death?
* * * *
"The ruler cannot mobilize the army out of personal anger. The general cannot engage in battle because of personal frustration. When it is advantageous, move; when not advantageous, stop. Anger can revert to happiness, annoyance can revert to joy, but a vanquished state cannot be revived, the dead cannot be brought back to life."
Dean frowned at the passage. He found a book in the office downstairs called The Art of War. Old Rattler and Nora Bonesteel had both convinced him how important it was to be a good leader for his Hunt group, and this looked like a good book to read while he sat with Vera. They were in a war of sorts against demons, ghosts, and other evil creatures. Some of it seemed to apply, some of it didn’t, but it was certainly worth the read.
Vera still looked like hell, but she wasn’t so pale. Shade was still snuggled up to Vera, and in her sleep Vera had wrapped her arms around the cat and held her like a baby. Dean felt uncomfortable, and decided to make a point of not mentioning it to anyone. Shade purred softly the entire time.
Griffin was in his lap. He liked to be there any time Dean sat down. Dean looked down into the eyes of his half-grown familiar, still not sure what to do with him. He never really thought of himself as a cat person. Jay suggested he get a cat harness and train him to stay with him since Griffin obviously was going to follow him everywhere.
Griffin looked over at Shade. “Dean is weirded out with the way Vera is cuddling with you. He feels sorry for her because she can’t have kittens.” Shade stopped purring long enough to snort.
“Like I said, he is not very psychic and he doesn’t understand us. Most humans sleep with their familiars like this. He is being too sensitive about something that doesn’t bother Vera at all. I still say you could have done better. As it is, you’ve bonded with him. You have a lot to teach him. I wish little Starlight wouldn’t have bonded with his brother. I’m worried that she is too young and he’ll hurt her.” Griffin lay his head down submissively. Griffin was worried for Starlight as well. Sam was a very strong psychic. Griffin had considered the younger brother, but decided he was too much for him to handle. Starlight was so young and so tiny, and she had almost died a moon and a half ago. How could she be strong enough for Sam?
Dean shook his head. The animals around here were just as odd as the people. He could have sworn Griffin and Shade just had a conversation. He was still feeling uneasy, but he wasn’t sure why. He glanced at Vera, but she was still deeply asleep. Griffin began to stir in his lap. Dean looked down at him; his familiar seemed to be feeling uneasy, too. Dean looked around the room, trying to identify a threat. Was there something wrong with Sam?
Just as Dean thought this, little Starlight ran into the room, meowing pitifully. Griffin jumped out of his lap and ran to her.
“Star! What’s wrong?” Griffin asked as he began grooming her to get her to calm down.
“Sam is really sad! I can’t get to him! He closed a door! I called and called, but he wouldn’t let me in!”
Sam was supposed to be training with Jay in the altar room right now. Yet his little familiar comes running in here squalling, while Griffin is trying to calm her down. Dean's instincts were screaming something was wrong. He just barely remembered to put the book down quietly before bolting downstairs.
When he got downstairs he made a beeline for the altar room. He saw Jay leaning in the doorway with a concerned expression on his face. Jay pointed to the bathroom; Dean could now hear Sammy crying over the sound of the shower. Starlight had followed and was scratching at the bathroom door. Griffin and Shade were with her. Dean pounded on the door while trying the doorknob. It was locked. Of course.
“Sammy, open up,” Dean shouted through the door.
“Go away!” Sam yelled back.
“Sammy, open up or I’m coming through the door.” Dean felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around to see Jay. He blinked; he’d forgotten Jay was there.
“What did you do to him?” Dean hissed. Jay frowned and motioned him to come into the altar room. Dean bent down to scoop up Starlight before following him.
“Look man,” Jay began with a grim look, “you have got to realize that the two of us are the only stable ones in the house right now. It’s going to take Aunt Vera a few days to recover, and it’s going to take Sam a lot longer. He’s dealing with being psychic, your dad dying, seeing his girlfriend die and realizing he’s bi all within six months. A few quick lessons just ain't gonna do it. Y’all had better get used to being here. I just wish Auntie Sahba were here.”
Dean gaped at him for a moment. Sam was having a breakdown. Again. Just how long was it going to take to fix him? And what does Sahba have to do with anything?
“Why do you want Sahba here?” Dean asked.
“She has a Masters in Psych,” Jay paused a moment. “I think Sam needs that. Why do you think that this is such a good teaching coven?”
“I know your aunt teaches, but the entire coven does?” Jay looked at him oddly.
“Yeah, Aunt Vera knows most of the ritual and deep psychic stuff, Auntie Sahba can provide professional counseling, Auntie Emma is good with earth magic and herbalism, and Uncle Jeremy does a lot with animal totems and familiars. When I’m around I tend to teach the basics ‘cause I’m the newest and can understand better how new people feel. Didn’t she tell you all this?” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and fought to keep his temper, Starlight’s small form sitting in one hand and huddled against his chest.
“No, but right now what’s going on with Sammy?”
Jay reddened. “Um, when you’re first learning energy work, it can be…very intense. Sometimes new people…”
“Just tell me!” Dean yelled. Jay cringed. Starlight made a pitiful sound. Dean took a deep calming breath.
“Okay, I didn’t realize that your brother was bi at first and he got a hard on from the energy work. Next thing I know he’s kissing me, and then he freaks out and runs to the bathroom and turns on the shower.”
Dean glared at him in fury, his eyes narrowed.
“Hey man, don’t look at me like that.” Jay snapped, getting pissed off too. “Don’t blame me for Sam suppressing his abilities and sexuality for most of his life. He’s so open right now and this room is so well warded I could be screwing his brains out in here and you’d never know.”
Dean rocked back on his heels like he’d been punched in the face, his eyes wide. Jay noticed that Dean paled; even his lips were going white. Jay realized that he was blaming himself for his brother’s problems.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said all that. He’s here now. He’s going to be okay. We just need to teach him the basics until the rest of the coven gets back and he has the whole team working on him. You’ve got to keep him grounded. Sam is going to be having meltdowns like this from time to time. Don’t think just because he’s had a few good days that he doesn’t need anymore help. Just follow your instincts. You’re just as strong of a ground as he is a psychic. Let me find a screwdriver so you can open the door if you don’t want to wait for him to calm down.” Jay grasped his shoulder for a moment before running out of the room and down the hall.
Dean took a deep breath. What Jay had just told him was a mixture of bad and good news. He’d figure it out later. Right now Sammy needed him.
Dean put Starlight down and tried not to trip over Griffin. He walked back to the bathroom. Starlight was squalling again. She could make a hell of a lot of racket for such a little thing. Shade seemed to be trying to calm her by pinning her with a paw and grooming her.
“Sammy I’m coming in. Star is out here having a fit so she is too.” Dean wasn’t sure why he felt the need to include Star, but he just felt like it was right. Sam didn’t respond except to sob harder.
“Fuck it,” Dean muttered and broke the flimsy bathroom door open with a hard slam of his shoulder. Starlight streaked in as soon as the door opened enough for her to squeeze through. Sam scrambled to his feet to push Dean back out the door. But he stumbled over Griffin and fell right into Dean’s arms. Dean was beginning to see the usefulness of familiars. He’d have to remember to praise Griffin after he got Sam calmed down.
Dean dumped Sam back into the floor where it looked like he’d been sitting on a towel. Staring down at him Dean was stunned to see he was nude from the waist down. Crap. What sort of fresh hell was going on with him now? He snagged another towel out of the closet and threw it over Sam’s lap to cover him, checked to be sure Griffin, Shade and Star were out of the way and then kicked the door closed. Dean was glad the door had given way around the door handle but was still on its hinges so he could close it. He was sure this was embarrassing enough to Sam without Jay seeing this too. He quickly turned off the shower.
Sam was crying even harder now, almost hysterical. Dean forced himself to take a deep breath and take a look at the situation. Sam didn’t look like he was physically hurt. He was sitting on a towel with his back against the wall. There was a spilled bottle of some sort of oil with a flowery scent Dean couldn’t quite place. He picked the bottle up and closed it. There was semen on the floor, confirming a suspicion he had. Why was his little bro having a melt down over taking care of a hard on?
Before Dean could do anything else he heard Jay in the hallway.
“Shit! You didn’t have to break the door! I have a fucking screwdriver! Aunt Vera is going…”
"Do you think I care?” Dean yelled, turning away from Sam and towards the door. Jay had just begun to push it open when Dean shoved it closed again. “Get lost for a while, I need to get Sammy straightened out!”
“Shit,” Jay muttered before Dean heard him walk away.
Dean sat down cross-legged in the floor in front of his brother. Griffin nestled down in his lap, watching Star intently. Sammy had calmed down enough where he’d almost stopped crying. Shade settled down in Sam’s lap.
“Okay Sammy, what’s going on?” Dean kept his voice sympathetic but very matter of fact. Sam shook his head, lips firmly pressed together.
“Sammy, c’mon, let me know what’s going on.” After a few gulps Sam managed to stop sobbing, but tears were still occasionally sliding down his face.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He picked up Starlight and cuddled her, stroking her ears and head, concentrating on his kitten rather than look at his brother.
“You broke off your first training session, locked yourself in the bathroom and cried for over fifteen minutes. You don’t get a choice about talking.” Dean decided to use what Jay told him and tried another tactic.
“Did Jay hurt you?” Dean asked slapping on his scowl and making his voice take on that ‘I’ll kill anyone who messes with my little brother’ tone Sammy should know from when they were kids. Dean didn’t really think Jay hurt him; he was just saying it to try to get him to open up. Sun-Tzu said something about using unorthodox tactics against the enemy. Dean shifted a little uncomfortably. His brother wasn’t “the enemy”, but there was a sort of conflict between them. Were all psychics this damned closed mouthed? Sam finally met Dean's eyes.
“No.”
“Then what happened? I don’t understand all this psychic stuff. I need to know if he hurt you.”
“Things just got really intense and I freaked, okay? It’s no big.”
“Sam, I need to know what is going on with you. I’m supposed to be able to help you.” His little brother actually blushed. Starlight nuzzled his cheek.
“Things just got a little intense and I needed some time to myself.” Sam mumbled.
Dean put his face in one hand for a moment before looking up. He didn’t think he could take much more of this. Between Vera and Sammy he was about to start throwing things. Dean knew that it was very important he kept his temper; if Sam picked up on it he knew it would hurt him. A thought occurred to Dean. He was supposed to be a little psychic; could he learn to shield like more powerful psychics to keep Sammy away from his more negative emotions? He’d have to ask Vera when she was awake.
“So things got intense, you kissed Jay, freaked out, went to the bathroom and jerked off, and then started crying hysterically. Did I get that right?” Dean could see that Sammy was getting more upset. Starlight reacted by crying again. Time to change tactics.
“Try to keep it together. Starlight was squalling for you the entire time you were locked in here. She came and got me. You need to think about her too, okay?” Sammy blinked. Dean could tell changing tactics was keeping him off balance. This was more likely to get him to talk than badgering him.
“Star came to you?” Sam asked softly.
“Yeah, remember what Jay said about familiars? They can feel you. Star is really young. You need to work on the psychic stuff so you don’t upset her.” Sam looked down at his tiny familiar and snuggled her closer to his chest. The little white kitten climbed onto his shoulder and began sucking on his t-shirt.
Shade looked over at Griffin, who was still sitting in Dean’s lap. “I am surprised. Dean seems to have a bit more sense that I credited him with. Perhaps you have not chosen too badly.” Griffin just purred in response, glad that the alpha familiar had almost complimented him.
“Hey, let’s just get you cleaned up and go someplace where were not sitting on a hard-assed tile floor, okay? Need some help?” Dean asked. Sam somehow managed to turn an even deeper shade of red.
“No, I’ll be out in a minute.” He said, looking down and to the side, avoiding both Dean and Shade’s gazes.
“Okay, but I’m standing right outside the door.”
After Sam came out Dean grabbed his arm and guided him into the living room. Dean was getting upset seeing his brother acting so passive. They sat down on the couch. Their familiars followed them, Griffin settling in Dean’s lap and Sam picking up Starlight to cuddle her. Shade stuck like glue to Sam’s side, watching Starlight.
“Dude, you need to tell me what is going on. What happened? Jay told me his side. I’m your brother and I’ve already told you I don’t care if you’re gay or bi. We’ve been over this. Everyone has said we have to be upfront with one another.” Sam stared down at the floor.
“She’s dead,” he whispered. “She’s dead because I was trying so hard to be normal, even though I knew I wasn’t. If I’d stayed with you and Dad I’d have never met her and she’d still be alive. Maybe if I stayed Dad would still be alive. Hell, if I had paid attention to my dreams she’d still be alive.” Sam looked up at Dean and swallowed. “I was happy to find out about other Guardians and Hunters Dean, and she’s dead.” His voice cracked on the last word. “I shouldn’t be happy! I don’t deserve it,” Sam’s voice had taken on a note of hysteria and he was shaking, but not actually sobbing.
Sam looked back down to escape his brother’s piercing stare. After a few moments of silence Dean reached out and forced his brother’s head up. Acting on instinct he reached out with his other hand and tapped him hard in the center of his forehead.
“We both know there’s more.” Sam tried to lower his head again but Dean held his head firmly up. Sammy swallowed hard again.
“Since Jess died…” Sam began, but then closed his eyes. After a few moments Dean tapped him on the forehead again. Sam’s eyes popped back open. “I haven’t been able to…” he faltered a few moments before continuing again. “Outside of being asleep…” Dean could see where this was heading and decided to help him out.
“But ‘cause of the training you were doing with Jay you could?” Sam nodded slightly into Dean’s palm, a strange look of embarrassment and relief on his face. He began blushing a deep red, which just made Starlight stand out against his face even more distinctly. Dean released Sam’s jaw and hung his head and closed his eyes. Griffin lightly pawed Dean’s face, as if trying to comfort him.
“Sammy,” he began, sounding like every word was being dragged out of him with hot tongs. “I think Dad was wrong about a lot of things. Other Hunters tried talking to Dad when we were little. I think they knew you were a psychic and wanted to help you. Dad wouldn’t let them. I think there was more to you leaving than you realize. I think all the things we were Hunting were driving you crazy. I think deep down you knew and that’s why you left. You’ve only been back Hunting for about six months and if it wasn’t for Nora, Vera and Rattler I’d have taken you to a mental hospital by now. I think if Dad had gotten tight with other Hunters he would still be alive because he didn’t know nearly as much as he thought he did. If he had let the other Hunters help, you’d have known what your dreams were about, even if you wanted a normal life.” Dean swallowed, and said something he never thought he would. “Sammy, if it was anyone's fault, it was Dad’s, not yours.”
Sam stared at his brother. Dean tried to hold it together, but he felt tears gathering behind his eyes. When he raised his head and looked at Sammy he lost it. Dean couldn’t believe how fucked up his little brother was because their Dad had let both of them down.
Next thing Dean knew all the familiars backed off and he and Sammy were crying and hugging each other like when they were kids. By the time they were calmed down, Jay walked in with three steaming mugs of tea. Dean wiped his face and wondered how long he’d been standing there.
“Lavender, chamomile and mint,” Jay said as he handed them out and then raised his mug as if in a toast.
“To all psychics and grounds, Hunters and Guardians, and most especially our well-meaning but screwed-up parental units.” That wrung a weak but genuine laugh from the Winchester brothers. It was the best possible toast under the circumstances. A sudden thought struck Dean.
“Dude, who’s your ground?’ Jay gave him a twisted, one-sided smile.
“It was my Dad.”
Shit. Another psychic who could go off on him at any time.
* * * *
After a simple dinner, Jay and Sam went out to the back porch to talk. Dean strongly suspected that the two of them had the hots for each other but it was bothering Sammy. Well, if his little bro was going to have a fling with a guy he could do a lot worse.
Dean went back to Vera’s room to sit with her until she woke up. Shade was curled up with her again but Griffin had trotted off to look after his own affairs. Dean felt guilty about forgetting to praise him for tripping Sammy at a strategic time. He was sure that his fluffy familiar knew he needed the help.
Strategy. Sun-Tzu was definitely leaving a mark on him. Well, the tactics had helped him with Sammy. With an absolutely evil smirk he decided what tactics to use with Vera. Sun-Tzu said only fight when you knew you could be victorious. To be victorious you must know both yourself and your enemy.
Well, he had certainly learned a lot about himself and Sammy recently. He also knew that he had found out a lot more about Vera than she realized. He also knew that he was following his Tao, or his Way in the Universe. Vera was resisting hers by not wanting to take up her Guardian duties. His enemy was certainly weak, in disarray and he was in position to make a sneak attack. Sun-Tzu also said that destroying your enemy was second best to capturing both their human and material resources for your own use.
This was a battle he was certain to win. A perfect victory. He just had to wait for the opportune moment.
Chapter 10: Dreams and Visions
Summary: Sam begins his training and some startling realizations result.
Rating/Warning: Mature (NC-17), Warnings for story overall. Swearing (most chapters). Rape and torture chapters have separate warnings. Character deaths (Ballad novels/OCs). Sex--both hetero and homosexual.
Disclaimer: We do not own the Supernatural or Ballad novel story elements.
Death in Appalachia Chapter 9: The Warriors' Art:
Summary: Sam begins his training and some startling realizations result.
“I am telling you, it was creepy,” Sam said, shaking his head. “All of a sudden she just handed me the phone, ate and drank the food and tea I gave her, and went back to bed. The entire time her cat kept staring and pawing at her.” Sam was sitting with Jay and Dean on the back porch, talking over the events and catching up on the overall situation. “I think she was crying earlier, but I just left her alone.”
“Probably for the best,” Jay said. “Aunt Vera has a bad habit of trying to do too many things at once. That and she can be really bad about letting people help her if they are not part of the coven.” He got quiet for a moment. “I think she has had to keep so many things secret for most of her life she’s always had a hard time letting people in. I didn’t even find out she was Pagan until I turned 17, even though she had been training me since I was little.” Sam and Dean exchanged glances; they knew what it was like having to keep secrets.
“Yeah,” Jay continued with a hint of smugness in his voice, “I’ve always been able to calm her down when no one else could.” Sam surreptitiously touched Dean’s arm to let him know that he didn’t think that it was Jay that had calmed Vera down. He didn’t know exactly what it was, but it didn’t seem to have anything to do with Jay.
“Your aunt said something about both Dean and I having familiars, and we both have cats following us around. What’s going on with that? We’re not Wiccan.” Sam asked, reaching up to pet Starlight who was perched on his shoulder.
“You don’t have to be Wiccan or even a witch to have a familiar,” Jay began, his eyes kept wandering to Sam's fingers stroking Star's fur, “any psychic or magician can bond with a familiar.” Sam tensed. This wasn’t telling him what the hell a familiar actually was.
“What are they exactly? Are they cats? Why do only psychics and magicians have them?”
Jay pursed his lips. “Well, a familiar can be just about any type of animal and you can have more than one. Auntie Emma has two, Jazzy, a long-haired tabby, and Jose, the black Chow. Auntie Sahba’s familiar right now is a cat, Blue Boy. Her last familiar was a parrot. He was over a hundred when he died. I think only psychics and magicians have them ‘cause they’re the only ones that can understand them.”
“So they’re just pets?” Dean asked. Jay threw him a disgusted look.
“No. A familiar is not ‘just a pet.’ They are very devoted to one person and can help you ground or shield if you need it. It’s kind of like a parent/child relationship, but not really. They tend to be real smart, like geniuses of their species and can do the weirdest stuff. Aunt Vera’s familiar can open and close dresser drawers and turn water faucets on and off. Jose looks after Auntie Emma’s grandkids while they’re visiting and if they get into trouble Jazzy comes and gets her. Most of the time your familiar will show up if you’re doing any heavy duty psychic or ritual stuff. They can also let other people know if their human is sick or upset.”
Dean looked down at Griffin in his lap. “So they’re like a cat version of Lassie?" Sam tried not to laugh and Jay snorted.
“No, familiars chose you. They’re sacred, like a gift from the Gods. At least that’s what Aunt Vera says.” Jay glanced resentfully at Griffin, who was squirming delightedly in Dean’s lap as he rubbed his furry belly.
“So are they like pure breeds? Can you breed two familiars to get more?” Dean asked. Jay shook his head slowly.
“No, and that’s really weird. Psychic abilities tend to run in families, but it doesn’t seem to with familiars. Jazzy and Griffin are both from the same litter of kittens Auntie Emma rescued, but that’s rare. None of the other kittens or their momma are familiars. Jose was an abused dog she got from the pound. Starlight is the runt of a litter of feral barn kittens. She was starving to death when Auntie Emma rescued her. She’s really shy.” Jay glanced at the little white kitten on Sam’s broad shoulder, and then realized he was staring a bit too long and cleared his throat nervously.
Sam shifted uneasily. Dean thought Starlight didn’t look old enough to be away from her mother. She liked to suck on Sammy’s shirt when she thought she could get away with it.
“What are we supposed to do with them?” Dean asked with exasperation. Sam cuddled with Starlight like it was second nature. He looked down at the furry half-grown cat in his lap. What the hell was he supposed to do with this fuzzy soccer ball? Even though Dean asked the question, Jay looked at Sam as he spoke.
“Well, since they’re new, you should spend a lot of time with them. Play, snuggle, let them sleep with you, feed them. Aunt Vera lets Shade drink out of her glass and eat food off her plate. The more time you spend with your familiar, the stronger the bond. Starlight needs special food since she’s so young. Auntie Emma keeps special cans of it for her. I’ll show you where they are.” Jay offered.
“But we travel a lot! How in the hell are we supposed to take care of two cats when we’re on the road?” Dean snapped, looking down at Griffin who was gazing up at him adoringly. How would Griffin react when he had to leave him behind on Hunting trips?
“You got me there, chief,” Jay smirked.
“Where is your familiar?” Dean asked innocently, even though he was sure of the answer. Jay’s stomach started rumbling. "Hey, anyone hungry?" He asked earnestly, leaping to his feet. "I could make some tuna sandwiches."
* * * *
After lunch, Dean headed upstairs to sit with Vera while Jay took Sam to the altar room on the first floor. Starlight scrambled into the room before they closed the door.
“Shoo,” Sam gently said to the kitten. She looked up at him with a pathetic expression and softly mewled. Jay just looked amused.
“Let her stay, she isn’t going to hurt anything.” Jay said. “It’s probably best that she’s here so she can learn with you.”
“Are you sure it's okay that we’re in here?” Sam asked nervously. Jay shrugged.
“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s the ritual room for the coven. This is probably the safest room in the house for you.” Sam did notice that it felt like Vera’s office, like it was muffled or sound proofed. He couldn’t feel anyone else besides Jay, and he could barely feel him.
“Why can I barely feel you and your aunt?” Sam asked cautiously.
“Because we use good shields. That’s both for our benefit and other peoples. We can affect people, even hurt them if we aren’t careful, but I’m sure you’ve figured that out.” Jay lifted an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I’ve had about four people bitch me out about that.” Sam said as he looked down at the floor and rubbed the back of his neck. Jay punched him lightly on the arm.
“Hey man, it happens. Just be glad Aunt Vera pulled back in time and your brother kept both of you pretty well grounded. He’s just as amazing as you are in his own way.” The compliment just embarrassed Sam more. He looked up and realized for the first time that Jay was almost as tall as he was. For some reason he found himself blushing. Being tall and dark-haired must run in their family. He looked around the room hoping to distract himself from the younger man.
If Vera’s office abounded with strange things he could almost see, this place was crammed with them. He noticed that this room had been completely renovated already. There were four altars, one against each wall and one in the center of the room. Each altar had a sheathed sword hanging on the wall above it. The altars themselves were covered with stones, feathers, cups, bowls, books, pinecones, flowers and an occasional knife. There were so many things on the edge of his vision he kept whipping his head around to try to see them before they disappeared. Then he heard Jay laughing.
“Hey, don’t give yourself whiplash. You’re just seeing the wards and sigils that the coven has put up. You’ll learn how to see those later on. Right now you need to start on the basics so you don’t hurt anyone or get hurt yourself!”
“Are you sure it’s safe…” Sam began.
“Yeah,” Jay said, cutting him off. “You might be strong, but I’ve been training since I was a kid and I’m not exhausted like Aunt Vera. I also know what’s up with you and that you feel bad about what happened with her. You’re cautious now, and that’s good. You need to be!”
They settled onto the floor, sitting cross-legged on yoga mats as Jay explained the basics of grounding, centering and shielding. Sam felt a great deal of relief as he began to learn how to keep himself in the here and now and not let his mind drift or be distracted by other people’s thoughts and emotions. Starlight snuggled down in his lap and went to sleep.
Jay was a surprisingly patient teacher and Sam was glad he was able to start learning before Vera recovered. They were beginning to do a little energy work so he could learn how to work with other psychics, mainly so they could help him shield until he was able to do it completely on his own. Unfortunately he started having a problem. He was beginning to find himself very sexually aroused, and it was pretty obvious through his light summer shorts. Sam dared a quick glance at Jay’s crotch. He wasn’t having the problem Sam was.
Jay suddenly broke off his explanations of energy work and cleared his throat.
“Hey man, its okay. This happens sometimes when you’re first learning how to do energy work with other people. Maybe I should have let Aunt Vera teach you this part.”
“Uh, no. This is embarrassing enough with you; I can’t imagine how it would be with her.” Now Jay seemed a little embarrassed.
“Well, you probably wouldn’t have had this problem with her because, well, she’s so much older than you. I know you just realized that you’re psychic recently, but how long have you known you were bi?” Sam was thunderstruck. Was that why he was having dreams about men? It was because he was bi, not straight and just trying to find a “safe” sexual outlet that didn’t make him feel guilty about Jess?
Sam still had a raging hard on. He hadn’t been able to masturbate since Jessica’s death. He had to know. Sam leaned in close to kiss Jay. Jay moved a little to make it easier for him, but he was obviously letting Sam be in control.
Jay’s lips were firm but soft, and as they slid their tongues past each other, Sam noticed that Jay tasted of the orange he had eaten earlier in the day. His mouth was warm and sweet, silky smooth except for the tantalizing texture of his tongue. Jay slid his hand gently into the hair on the back of Sam’s head, not pressing but gently caressing his scalp. These soft gestures awakened emotions in Sam that he had not felt in a long time.
Sam broke away abruptly, gasping. Jay did not pursue him but lightly stroked Sam's cheek as he pulled his hand from his hair. Sam looked at Jay, but he was only smiling softly, as if he were trying not to scare him.
“I, um, I need a break,” Sam managed to get out. He could feel that he was now leaking in his shorts.
“It’s okay.” Jay said in an almost normal sounding voice. “Like I said, it happens sometimes.” Getting up so abruptly that Starlight protested Sam made his way to the bathroom almost directly across the hall.
He closed and locked the door behind him, still very aroused and confused. He shucked his shorts and boxers and pulled a towel out of the bathroom storage closet. He noticed a bottle of organic bath oil and pulled that out too. He turned on the shower to cover any noise he made. Then he put down the towel on the floor and sat on it, his back against the wall.
He poured a generous amount of oil onto his hand to warm it slightly before using it to coat his cock and balls. Sam noticed that the oil smelled of lavender. He didn’t mind, everyone here seemed to use it and he was beginning to like the scent. He stroked himself for a few moments before spreading the oil to his perineum, and after slouching slightly, to his ass.
Just touching his anus made him moan, it definitely felt good. His cock jumped as he did so, and Sam felt more aroused than he had outside of a dream since Jess died. Stroking his cock faster, he slowly wriggled his index finger to just inside his ass, gently moving it around as he did so. His breath hitched as he began to sweat, and his balls were beginning to draw up. The scent of lavender filled his nostrils and the wall tiles were cool against his shoulder blades. Encouraged by the good feelings of his finger in his ass, he began to slowly pull it in and out, going a little deeper each time. Sam began to whimper, making a pitiful sound, desperately hoping that this time he would get the release he so desperately needed. He thought he’d die if he didn’t. He pumped his cock faster while fingering his ass deeper and more daringly, beginning to sob, tears rolling down his cheeks. Finally, almost pumping his entire index finger into his ass, Sam hit something that made him scream and arch his back, his voice echoing slightly off the bathroom walls. With that scream his balls tightened and his cock started twitching violently, shooting his seed all over his stomach, hand and floor. Sam gasped and laid there for a moment, still sobbing slightly.
Oh God. Jessica was dead. That demon from the airplane said she was still burning. Her death must have been an agony, an agony she could still be feeling. He should have told her. He could have stopped it. He shouldn’t have tried to have a normal life. Dean was right; they couldn’t have friends in the “normal” world. At least they found out about the other Hunters and Guardians.
That only made him feel worse. As long as he and Dean had been hunting on their own, the isolation, the pain, the act of saving others was the only thing that quieted his guilt. Sam realized that he had been throwing himself into Hunting, caring for Dean, or whatever work there was to do to justify continuing to live. Even using his abilities was a kind of penance; if he would have accepted them sooner he could have saved Jess. He was so far into denial about the reality of his past to notice a supernatural threat to someone he loved.
Now he was sitting on a bathroom floor after jerking off. Jessica was dead, it was his fault and he was enjoying himself. How could he make himself feel so good when he was responsible for her death?
* * * *
"The ruler cannot mobilize the army out of personal anger. The general cannot engage in battle because of personal frustration. When it is advantageous, move; when not advantageous, stop. Anger can revert to happiness, annoyance can revert to joy, but a vanquished state cannot be revived, the dead cannot be brought back to life."
Dean frowned at the passage. He found a book in the office downstairs called The Art of War. Old Rattler and Nora Bonesteel had both convinced him how important it was to be a good leader for his Hunt group, and this looked like a good book to read while he sat with Vera. They were in a war of sorts against demons, ghosts, and other evil creatures. Some of it seemed to apply, some of it didn’t, but it was certainly worth the read.
Vera still looked like hell, but she wasn’t so pale. Shade was still snuggled up to Vera, and in her sleep Vera had wrapped her arms around the cat and held her like a baby. Dean felt uncomfortable, and decided to make a point of not mentioning it to anyone. Shade purred softly the entire time.
Griffin was in his lap. He liked to be there any time Dean sat down. Dean looked down into the eyes of his half-grown familiar, still not sure what to do with him. He never really thought of himself as a cat person. Jay suggested he get a cat harness and train him to stay with him since Griffin obviously was going to follow him everywhere.
Griffin looked over at Shade. “Dean is weirded out with the way Vera is cuddling with you. He feels sorry for her because she can’t have kittens.” Shade stopped purring long enough to snort.
“Like I said, he is not very psychic and he doesn’t understand us. Most humans sleep with their familiars like this. He is being too sensitive about something that doesn’t bother Vera at all. I still say you could have done better. As it is, you’ve bonded with him. You have a lot to teach him. I wish little Starlight wouldn’t have bonded with his brother. I’m worried that she is too young and he’ll hurt her.” Griffin lay his head down submissively. Griffin was worried for Starlight as well. Sam was a very strong psychic. Griffin had considered the younger brother, but decided he was too much for him to handle. Starlight was so young and so tiny, and she had almost died a moon and a half ago. How could she be strong enough for Sam?
Dean shook his head. The animals around here were just as odd as the people. He could have sworn Griffin and Shade just had a conversation. He was still feeling uneasy, but he wasn’t sure why. He glanced at Vera, but she was still deeply asleep. Griffin began to stir in his lap. Dean looked down at him; his familiar seemed to be feeling uneasy, too. Dean looked around the room, trying to identify a threat. Was there something wrong with Sam?
Just as Dean thought this, little Starlight ran into the room, meowing pitifully. Griffin jumped out of his lap and ran to her.
“Star! What’s wrong?” Griffin asked as he began grooming her to get her to calm down.
“Sam is really sad! I can’t get to him! He closed a door! I called and called, but he wouldn’t let me in!”
Sam was supposed to be training with Jay in the altar room right now. Yet his little familiar comes running in here squalling, while Griffin is trying to calm her down. Dean's instincts were screaming something was wrong. He just barely remembered to put the book down quietly before bolting downstairs.
When he got downstairs he made a beeline for the altar room. He saw Jay leaning in the doorway with a concerned expression on his face. Jay pointed to the bathroom; Dean could now hear Sammy crying over the sound of the shower. Starlight had followed and was scratching at the bathroom door. Griffin and Shade were with her. Dean pounded on the door while trying the doorknob. It was locked. Of course.
“Sammy, open up,” Dean shouted through the door.
“Go away!” Sam yelled back.
“Sammy, open up or I’m coming through the door.” Dean felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around to see Jay. He blinked; he’d forgotten Jay was there.
“What did you do to him?” Dean hissed. Jay frowned and motioned him to come into the altar room. Dean bent down to scoop up Starlight before following him.
“Look man,” Jay began with a grim look, “you have got to realize that the two of us are the only stable ones in the house right now. It’s going to take Aunt Vera a few days to recover, and it’s going to take Sam a lot longer. He’s dealing with being psychic, your dad dying, seeing his girlfriend die and realizing he’s bi all within six months. A few quick lessons just ain't gonna do it. Y’all had better get used to being here. I just wish Auntie Sahba were here.”
Dean gaped at him for a moment. Sam was having a breakdown. Again. Just how long was it going to take to fix him? And what does Sahba have to do with anything?
“Why do you want Sahba here?” Dean asked.
“She has a Masters in Psych,” Jay paused a moment. “I think Sam needs that. Why do you think that this is such a good teaching coven?”
“I know your aunt teaches, but the entire coven does?” Jay looked at him oddly.
“Yeah, Aunt Vera knows most of the ritual and deep psychic stuff, Auntie Sahba can provide professional counseling, Auntie Emma is good with earth magic and herbalism, and Uncle Jeremy does a lot with animal totems and familiars. When I’m around I tend to teach the basics ‘cause I’m the newest and can understand better how new people feel. Didn’t she tell you all this?” Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and fought to keep his temper, Starlight’s small form sitting in one hand and huddled against his chest.
“No, but right now what’s going on with Sammy?”
Jay reddened. “Um, when you’re first learning energy work, it can be…very intense. Sometimes new people…”
“Just tell me!” Dean yelled. Jay cringed. Starlight made a pitiful sound. Dean took a deep calming breath.
“Okay, I didn’t realize that your brother was bi at first and he got a hard on from the energy work. Next thing I know he’s kissing me, and then he freaks out and runs to the bathroom and turns on the shower.”
Dean glared at him in fury, his eyes narrowed.
“Hey man, don’t look at me like that.” Jay snapped, getting pissed off too. “Don’t blame me for Sam suppressing his abilities and sexuality for most of his life. He’s so open right now and this room is so well warded I could be screwing his brains out in here and you’d never know.”
Dean rocked back on his heels like he’d been punched in the face, his eyes wide. Jay noticed that Dean paled; even his lips were going white. Jay realized that he was blaming himself for his brother’s problems.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said all that. He’s here now. He’s going to be okay. We just need to teach him the basics until the rest of the coven gets back and he has the whole team working on him. You’ve got to keep him grounded. Sam is going to be having meltdowns like this from time to time. Don’t think just because he’s had a few good days that he doesn’t need anymore help. Just follow your instincts. You’re just as strong of a ground as he is a psychic. Let me find a screwdriver so you can open the door if you don’t want to wait for him to calm down.” Jay grasped his shoulder for a moment before running out of the room and down the hall.
Dean took a deep breath. What Jay had just told him was a mixture of bad and good news. He’d figure it out later. Right now Sammy needed him.
Dean put Starlight down and tried not to trip over Griffin. He walked back to the bathroom. Starlight was squalling again. She could make a hell of a lot of racket for such a little thing. Shade seemed to be trying to calm her by pinning her with a paw and grooming her.
“Sammy I’m coming in. Star is out here having a fit so she is too.” Dean wasn’t sure why he felt the need to include Star, but he just felt like it was right. Sam didn’t respond except to sob harder.
“Fuck it,” Dean muttered and broke the flimsy bathroom door open with a hard slam of his shoulder. Starlight streaked in as soon as the door opened enough for her to squeeze through. Sam scrambled to his feet to push Dean back out the door. But he stumbled over Griffin and fell right into Dean’s arms. Dean was beginning to see the usefulness of familiars. He’d have to remember to praise Griffin after he got Sam calmed down.
Dean dumped Sam back into the floor where it looked like he’d been sitting on a towel. Staring down at him Dean was stunned to see he was nude from the waist down. Crap. What sort of fresh hell was going on with him now? He snagged another towel out of the closet and threw it over Sam’s lap to cover him, checked to be sure Griffin, Shade and Star were out of the way and then kicked the door closed. Dean was glad the door had given way around the door handle but was still on its hinges so he could close it. He was sure this was embarrassing enough to Sam without Jay seeing this too. He quickly turned off the shower.
Sam was crying even harder now, almost hysterical. Dean forced himself to take a deep breath and take a look at the situation. Sam didn’t look like he was physically hurt. He was sitting on a towel with his back against the wall. There was a spilled bottle of some sort of oil with a flowery scent Dean couldn’t quite place. He picked the bottle up and closed it. There was semen on the floor, confirming a suspicion he had. Why was his little bro having a melt down over taking care of a hard on?
Before Dean could do anything else he heard Jay in the hallway.
“Shit! You didn’t have to break the door! I have a fucking screwdriver! Aunt Vera is going…”
"Do you think I care?” Dean yelled, turning away from Sam and towards the door. Jay had just begun to push it open when Dean shoved it closed again. “Get lost for a while, I need to get Sammy straightened out!”
“Shit,” Jay muttered before Dean heard him walk away.
Dean sat down cross-legged in the floor in front of his brother. Griffin nestled down in his lap, watching Star intently. Sammy had calmed down enough where he’d almost stopped crying. Shade settled down in Sam’s lap.
“Okay Sammy, what’s going on?” Dean kept his voice sympathetic but very matter of fact. Sam shook his head, lips firmly pressed together.
“Sammy, c’mon, let me know what’s going on.” After a few gulps Sam managed to stop sobbing, but tears were still occasionally sliding down his face.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He picked up Starlight and cuddled her, stroking her ears and head, concentrating on his kitten rather than look at his brother.
“You broke off your first training session, locked yourself in the bathroom and cried for over fifteen minutes. You don’t get a choice about talking.” Dean decided to use what Jay told him and tried another tactic.
“Did Jay hurt you?” Dean asked slapping on his scowl and making his voice take on that ‘I’ll kill anyone who messes with my little brother’ tone Sammy should know from when they were kids. Dean didn’t really think Jay hurt him; he was just saying it to try to get him to open up. Sun-Tzu said something about using unorthodox tactics against the enemy. Dean shifted a little uncomfortably. His brother wasn’t “the enemy”, but there was a sort of conflict between them. Were all psychics this damned closed mouthed? Sam finally met Dean's eyes.
“No.”
“Then what happened? I don’t understand all this psychic stuff. I need to know if he hurt you.”
“Things just got really intense and I freaked, okay? It’s no big.”
“Sam, I need to know what is going on with you. I’m supposed to be able to help you.” His little brother actually blushed. Starlight nuzzled his cheek.
“Things just got a little intense and I needed some time to myself.” Sam mumbled.
Dean put his face in one hand for a moment before looking up. He didn’t think he could take much more of this. Between Vera and Sammy he was about to start throwing things. Dean knew that it was very important he kept his temper; if Sam picked up on it he knew it would hurt him. A thought occurred to Dean. He was supposed to be a little psychic; could he learn to shield like more powerful psychics to keep Sammy away from his more negative emotions? He’d have to ask Vera when she was awake.
“So things got intense, you kissed Jay, freaked out, went to the bathroom and jerked off, and then started crying hysterically. Did I get that right?” Dean could see that Sammy was getting more upset. Starlight reacted by crying again. Time to change tactics.
“Try to keep it together. Starlight was squalling for you the entire time you were locked in here. She came and got me. You need to think about her too, okay?” Sammy blinked. Dean could tell changing tactics was keeping him off balance. This was more likely to get him to talk than badgering him.
“Star came to you?” Sam asked softly.
“Yeah, remember what Jay said about familiars? They can feel you. Star is really young. You need to work on the psychic stuff so you don’t upset her.” Sam looked down at his tiny familiar and snuggled her closer to his chest. The little white kitten climbed onto his shoulder and began sucking on his t-shirt.
Shade looked over at Griffin, who was still sitting in Dean’s lap. “I am surprised. Dean seems to have a bit more sense that I credited him with. Perhaps you have not chosen too badly.” Griffin just purred in response, glad that the alpha familiar had almost complimented him.
“Hey, let’s just get you cleaned up and go someplace where were not sitting on a hard-assed tile floor, okay? Need some help?” Dean asked. Sam somehow managed to turn an even deeper shade of red.
“No, I’ll be out in a minute.” He said, looking down and to the side, avoiding both Dean and Shade’s gazes.
“Okay, but I’m standing right outside the door.”
After Sam came out Dean grabbed his arm and guided him into the living room. Dean was getting upset seeing his brother acting so passive. They sat down on the couch. Their familiars followed them, Griffin settling in Dean’s lap and Sam picking up Starlight to cuddle her. Shade stuck like glue to Sam’s side, watching Starlight.
“Dude, you need to tell me what is going on. What happened? Jay told me his side. I’m your brother and I’ve already told you I don’t care if you’re gay or bi. We’ve been over this. Everyone has said we have to be upfront with one another.” Sam stared down at the floor.
“She’s dead,” he whispered. “She’s dead because I was trying so hard to be normal, even though I knew I wasn’t. If I’d stayed with you and Dad I’d have never met her and she’d still be alive. Maybe if I stayed Dad would still be alive. Hell, if I had paid attention to my dreams she’d still be alive.” Sam looked up at Dean and swallowed. “I was happy to find out about other Guardians and Hunters Dean, and she’s dead.” His voice cracked on the last word. “I shouldn’t be happy! I don’t deserve it,” Sam’s voice had taken on a note of hysteria and he was shaking, but not actually sobbing.
Sam looked back down to escape his brother’s piercing stare. After a few moments of silence Dean reached out and forced his brother’s head up. Acting on instinct he reached out with his other hand and tapped him hard in the center of his forehead.
“We both know there’s more.” Sam tried to lower his head again but Dean held his head firmly up. Sammy swallowed hard again.
“Since Jess died…” Sam began, but then closed his eyes. After a few moments Dean tapped him on the forehead again. Sam’s eyes popped back open. “I haven’t been able to…” he faltered a few moments before continuing again. “Outside of being asleep…” Dean could see where this was heading and decided to help him out.
“But ‘cause of the training you were doing with Jay you could?” Sam nodded slightly into Dean’s palm, a strange look of embarrassment and relief on his face. He began blushing a deep red, which just made Starlight stand out against his face even more distinctly. Dean released Sam’s jaw and hung his head and closed his eyes. Griffin lightly pawed Dean’s face, as if trying to comfort him.
“Sammy,” he began, sounding like every word was being dragged out of him with hot tongs. “I think Dad was wrong about a lot of things. Other Hunters tried talking to Dad when we were little. I think they knew you were a psychic and wanted to help you. Dad wouldn’t let them. I think there was more to you leaving than you realize. I think all the things we were Hunting were driving you crazy. I think deep down you knew and that’s why you left. You’ve only been back Hunting for about six months and if it wasn’t for Nora, Vera and Rattler I’d have taken you to a mental hospital by now. I think if Dad had gotten tight with other Hunters he would still be alive because he didn’t know nearly as much as he thought he did. If he had let the other Hunters help, you’d have known what your dreams were about, even if you wanted a normal life.” Dean swallowed, and said something he never thought he would. “Sammy, if it was anyone's fault, it was Dad’s, not yours.”
Sam stared at his brother. Dean tried to hold it together, but he felt tears gathering behind his eyes. When he raised his head and looked at Sammy he lost it. Dean couldn’t believe how fucked up his little brother was because their Dad had let both of them down.
Next thing Dean knew all the familiars backed off and he and Sammy were crying and hugging each other like when they were kids. By the time they were calmed down, Jay walked in with three steaming mugs of tea. Dean wiped his face and wondered how long he’d been standing there.
“Lavender, chamomile and mint,” Jay said as he handed them out and then raised his mug as if in a toast.
“To all psychics and grounds, Hunters and Guardians, and most especially our well-meaning but screwed-up parental units.” That wrung a weak but genuine laugh from the Winchester brothers. It was the best possible toast under the circumstances. A sudden thought struck Dean.
“Dude, who’s your ground?’ Jay gave him a twisted, one-sided smile.
“It was my Dad.”
Shit. Another psychic who could go off on him at any time.
* * * *
After a simple dinner, Jay and Sam went out to the back porch to talk. Dean strongly suspected that the two of them had the hots for each other but it was bothering Sammy. Well, if his little bro was going to have a fling with a guy he could do a lot worse.
Dean went back to Vera’s room to sit with her until she woke up. Shade was curled up with her again but Griffin had trotted off to look after his own affairs. Dean felt guilty about forgetting to praise him for tripping Sammy at a strategic time. He was sure that his fluffy familiar knew he needed the help.
Strategy. Sun-Tzu was definitely leaving a mark on him. Well, the tactics had helped him with Sammy. With an absolutely evil smirk he decided what tactics to use with Vera. Sun-Tzu said only fight when you knew you could be victorious. To be victorious you must know both yourself and your enemy.
Well, he had certainly learned a lot about himself and Sammy recently. He also knew that he had found out a lot more about Vera than she realized. He also knew that he was following his Tao, or his Way in the Universe. Vera was resisting hers by not wanting to take up her Guardian duties. His enemy was certainly weak, in disarray and he was in position to make a sneak attack. Sun-Tzu also said that destroying your enemy was second best to capturing both their human and material resources for your own use.
This was a battle he was certain to win. A perfect victory. He just had to wait for the opportune moment.
Chapter 10: Dreams and Visions