5 years, huh
Didn't really feel that long.
Let's see...
Got a divorce.
Moved back to Oregon.
Tried to merge back into my family.
That didn't work well.
Got diagnosed with Bi-polar II.
On medication, and doing therapy.
Playing too many video games.
I don't like my therapist.
I'm hyper sensitive.
Super traumatic events, one right after another. I can't sleep because of constant nightmares. Can't concentrate because of flash backs. Get exhausted enough to sleep during work. Numb the pain with obsessive toxic video games. Feel awful about myself. Living in a hotel room.
Reading back on my entries, I just don't know what to do with myself. It's a constant cycle in my life from since I was a child. Everything I've done in the past, I continue to do now. I've tried working on those things. Nothing happens. I've learned more about myself. But, that's about it. From the time I started on Livejournal (20 years ago, hah), to now, I'm doing the exact same pattern.
What do I do with this information? There's so many things, and situations I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to be involved with. But, I do it. Even when I think things are different. That I'm going to know not to do this thing again. But, it ends up being the exact.same.thing.
People keep on saying, give therapy a chance. I'm not seeing the benefits of it. I love the mood stabilizers a lot. They help chill me out. I still feel my feelings, but, I'm not doing these massive dips and highs.
I learned about attachment theories. That's pretty cool. I hate it at the same time. I wish I was different. I know wishing doesn't help me. I don't want to live this life anymore. I'm not good at it. I wish I was boring and normal.
I could sit here and talk about situations in my life. But, I don't want to. I'm hiding them. I can't even bring myself to talk to my therapist about them. I just don't want to be alive. I hate the people I try to attach myself to. It's dumb things. It's dumb thoughts. It's dumb feelings.